
MY 88 yo mom still lives alone, but was diagnosed with Alzheimers last fall. It's been ok, but her living situation is no longer sustainable. My sister and I are providing support (food, medical, financial) from 8 hours away. She is increasingly more frail. She has been very resistant to help of any kind, which I think is related to her fear being being "put away in a facility".
We've found a place within 15 minutes of me and my sister, which I have positioned as a retirement community just for a couple of months. She can get better healthcare, go to the theater, our to restaurants, visit friends, etc. Hopefully, she'll want to stay.
But first we have to get thru the nursing assessment. I'm afraid that she'll say that she doesn't want this. I'm worried that my sister's stress & anxiety will undermine this effort. Mom was abusive to both of us as children, which adds to the dynamic. Any thoughts or experiences to share?
Realistically, this year probably is our only opportunity to move her.
One tip. If your mom is going to be verbally abusive once you place her feel free to block her number (if she has a cell) and visit only as much as you want. Don't let her drag you into her drama if she is prone to that already. She may try to use guilt to make you do more and visit more, but the purpose of placement is so she is well cared for by professionals, not that you have to do everything she says.
Regarding "She can... go to the theater, our to restaurants, visit friends, etc." Be careful of "projecting" and romanticizing how you think she should be living. People with ALZ don't necessarily keep living like they did, or want to do these things anymore, may find them scary, or don't see the benefit of doing them. In fact, it may be that in the future she will need meds for mood or anxiety.
My MIL went into a fantastic AL and we thought for sure after having a lesser life thanks to her loser husband, she would somehow really flourish in a place on a lake with gardens and activities, etc. But no - she started to refuse to eat with others, or do any activities, and then eventually refused to get out of bed. I kept wondering why I wasted so much effort into getting her in to this lovely place. But it was her dementia.
Kudos to you and your sister. Just have tempered expectations as you all move through the rest of her life.
1) Develop a problem with the house so that she has to leave it ‘temporarily’. Sometimes that’s a simple as turning off power or water at the meter.
2) Move M to facility ‘while the house is out of order’, and make it close to you and S.
3) Drag out the problems with the house. Minimise visiting time with M in the facility so that she has a chance to settle in.
4) You and S develop a reason why you can’t (or won’t) go back to providing “support (food, medical, financial) from 8 hours away”. Just say no to M’s wish to go home.
5) Expect objections, but stick to your guns. Your life is important too!
Good luck, Margaret