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MY 88 yo mom still lives alone, but was diagnosed with Alzheimers last fall. It's been ok, but her living situation is no longer sustainable. My sister and I are providing support (food, medical, financial) from 8 hours away. She is increasingly more frail. She has been very resistant to help of any kind, which I think is related to her fear being being "put away in a facility".
We've found a place within 15 minutes of me and my sister, which I have positioned as a retirement community just for a couple of months. She can get better healthcare, go to the theater, our to restaurants, visit friends, etc. Hopefully, she'll want to stay.
But first we have to get thru the nursing assessment. I'm afraid that she'll say that she doesn't want this. I'm worried that my sister's stress & anxiety will undermine this effort. Mom was abusive to both of us as children, which adds to the dynamic. Any thoughts or experiences to share?
Realistically, this year probably is our only opportunity to move her.

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Many of us try to do this in stages:

1) Develop a problem with the house so that she has to leave it ‘temporarily’. Sometimes that’s a simple as turning off power or water at the meter.

2) Move M to facility ‘while the house is out of order’, and make it close to you and S.

3) Drag out the problems with the house. Minimise visiting time with M in the facility so that she has a chance to settle in.

4) You and S develop a reason why you can’t (or won’t) go back to providing “support (food, medical, financial) from 8 hours away”. Just say no to M’s wish to go home.

5) Expect objections, but stick to your guns. Your life is important too!

Good luck, Margaret
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Slartibartfast Jul 6, 2026
That's what I did. My mom's house was going to be (according to me) without street access and water for two weeks due to a major problem with the water line on her street. At first I did a little fibbing about how construction goes, always takes longer than they say. Now it's been six months and she never asks when she can go home. That's how I know it was the right move.
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I have POA for my mom and have had all the meetings with staff at the AL alone, without my mom, so I can talk frankly about her needs. She would deny needing help with anything if directly asked but I know better. I’m getting close to finding her a new place since she is refusing help more and more. It is definitely the downside of AL vs memory care, so I hope you can find a place with both so you can have an easier transition when your mom’s dementia advances.
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modernbird Jul 5, 2026
Interesting. This meeting with mom is required in my state before we can reserve the unit, or so I'm told. This place has both AL and memory care. We looked for that specifically. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is refusing help. My mom hides problems that highlight her need for help. What a menace this disease is.
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My mom was against moving, but got through the assessment when she realized it was the only option left for her. I hope you and your sister have been able to heal from the abuse. My mom likes to mention how she is moving out, but we are 2 and 1/2 years into placement and it has been such a blessing.

One tip. If your mom is going to be verbally abusive once you place her feel free to block her number (if she has a cell) and visit only as much as you want. Don't let her drag you into her drama if she is prone to that already. She may try to use guilt to make you do more and visit more, but the purpose of placement is so she is well cared for by professionals, not that you have to do everything she says.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Do you or your sister have POA to make decisions for mom when she’s no longer er able to make sound decisions for herself? If so, now is that time. Alzheimer’s means losing sound judgment and needing someone else to make decisions in her best interests. She no longer drives the bus based on what she wants. If this document is not in place, the assisted living place will most likely require one. Don’t rely on mom “hopefully” wanting to stay, or believe this is an “only opportunity” This is what is now required to keep her safe. She may require memory care one day, depending on how her status advances. I wish you all peace in this new chapter
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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My Moms nursing accessment was just asking her questions to determine how much care she will need. I wouldn't even tell her the woman was a nurse if its going to upset her. Just a lady who is going to talk to her. Remember, it no longer is what Mom wants but what she needs. You are now the adult and she is the child.
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modernbird Jul 3, 2026
I love this. Just getting to know her to know what help she needs, if any.
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