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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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We can be having a calm conversation and if my opinion is different than hers she gets angry and defensive. I have learned to drop the topic and let her calm down any suggestions?
Yes, do not argue with or try to "correct" a person with dementia. What do you think you might gain from having a debate with someone whose brain does not work? It's like having a discussion with a toddler.
What she believes is her reality. When you contradict her reality, it is only more confusing to her, and she probably wonders why you are being so difficult.
It is SO hard to watch our loved ones change! I have been living this with my husband for over 10 years now. He does not have a progressive disease, but suffered a stroke at age 53, which caused a sudden traumatic brain injury. He acts like an impulsive child. I miss my once smart, sweet, loving partner. I used to cry a lot and beg the universe to heal him - to bring back the man I knew. But, of course, this is our new reality, and I have come to accept it. Someone asked here on this forum how to cope. For me, it takes a sense of humor and a sense of adventure to cope. Just take each day as it is, and find a way to laugh at the craziness of it all. And continue loving the partner who no longer knows how to love you back.
I also have a problem giving that up and just dropping the topic. I find that usually there is a time of day that's worse so I try to do a lot of my talking to him when he's not combative but leave some triggers out completely. You're doing the right thing.
I think you have come to the right solution. One lesson you learn is that you will NEVER win an argument with a person with dementia. Changing the topic helps. Switching to something totally different like taking a break and getting a cup of coffee, tea will help as a distraction. Even just leaving the room for a bit ..."Honey I have to use the bathroom, we can finish talking when I get back" You will be gone long enough to break the conversation.
You might want to speak with her doctor about this. My father in law became more and more angry and defensive until he became violent. He was such a calm and gentle man before dementia that it was very shocking to see. Thankfully doctors finally were able to find the right meds for him to keep him calmer. With dementia sometimes a person does not process what is going on correctly and thinks they are being attacked or insulted when that's not happening.
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
You’ll increasingly learn to enter her world as she’s sadly leaving yours. I’m glad you’ve stopped trying to reason with her. My son lost most reasoning skills, the consequences of a birth defect and the surgeries that followed. We know not to reason with him, but after more than 30 years, still sometimes find ourselves falling into it. Read all you can about dementia and tips to cope with it, stick around this forum as there’s a load of wisdom here, and be sure to take regular breaks from caregiving. Please get your wife accustomed to accepting help that’s not you, it will be good for you both. I wish you both peace
I guess you're slowly but surely learning that there is NO reasoning with a person with dementia, so it's useless to even try. Your wife's brain is now permanently broken and will only get worse, so it's best to not argue with her and in most cases just go along with whatever she says. Your life will be much less stressful if you do that. It might benefit you to educate yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as it will better prepare you for what lies ahead. I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your wife.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What do you think you might gain from having a debate with someone whose brain does not work? It's like having a discussion with a toddler.
What she believes is her reality. When you contradict her reality, it is only more confusing to her, and she probably wonders why you are being so difficult.
It is SO hard to watch our loved ones change! I have been living this with my husband for over 10 years now. He does not have a progressive disease, but suffered a stroke at age 53, which caused a sudden traumatic brain injury. He acts like an impulsive child. I miss my once smart, sweet, loving partner. I used to cry a lot and beg the universe to heal him - to bring back the man I knew. But, of course, this is our new reality, and I have come to accept it.
Someone asked here on this forum how to cope. For me, it takes a sense of humor and a sense of adventure to cope. Just take each day as it is, and find a way to laugh at the craziness of it all. And continue loving the partner who no longer knows how to love you back.
You're doing the right thing.
One lesson you learn is that you will NEVER win an argument with a person with dementia.
Changing the topic helps.
Switching to something totally different like taking a break and getting a cup of coffee, tea will help as a distraction.
Even just leaving the room for a bit ..."Honey I have to use the bathroom, we can finish talking when I get back" You will be gone long enough to break the conversation.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
Your wife's brain is now permanently broken and will only get worse, so it's best to not argue with her and in most cases just go along with whatever she says.
Your life will be much less stressful if you do that.
It might benefit you to educate yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as it will better prepare you for what lies ahead.
I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your wife.