My mother moved in with us after my father passed and she fell down a flight of stairs (luckily no broken bones). She did not pay at beginning while I worked to get her home (several states away) ready to sell. I did all the work while working full time. I was not paid for anything (including cleaning out her home). After the sale, she did not offer to pay anything on a monthly basis. She has plenty of money and very good insurances including long term care guaranteed. 2 of my 3 siblings (all sisters) have fought me about her paying anything to help with expenses or cover her use of the space in my home. (2 bedrooms and private bath). They have told me I owe it to do this free of charge or mandated I pull up expenses from before she lived with us and compare to now so she would only pay the difference. I have stated that if she were living on her own, she would have a mortgage, utilities etc but to no avail. My mother hasn’t offered and acts oblivious to any drain this might be causing. (She has her full faculties). I’m missing work due to the stress this is causing. I’m angry and don’t know how to resolve this without creating a bigger rift within the family than the ones that were already there.
One last note. We are blessed to have a nice home and great jobs. I feel as if my siblings think that since we do have these things (we have worked very hard to get to where we are) no extra money is warranted. It’s not about the money. It’s the idea that my time and space are worth nothing in their eyes. None have contributed with anything since day 1. One sister has been there emotionally but that’s the extent.
Not a week goes by that I don't wish for another 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years that she could be here with me, loved by me, cared for by me. She was much too young when she was taken. I really wanted her to live longer for me.
B
Your conversations about fair rent seem to be with your sisters, who have should have NO SAY in a fair market value contract their competent mother enters into with you. This is between you and your mom. Additionally, if they disagree with what's proposed, then the burden is on them to do the market research or to offer alternatives, not expect you to justify the amount. If they truly have concerns, use a elder law attorney to hash out a fair contract.
If they argue, and IF you decide to engage, point out to your sisters that you have been paying out of pocket funds since 2017 that have not been recouped--how would they like to divide those up amongst yourselves so that you may be reimbursed fairly, since they don't want mom to pay?
Look up the going price for a comparable apartment in your area, divide your utilities by the number of users in your home, and factor in groceries. Pull up some rents from IL/AL places (you may have to get on a mailing list to unlock them, but just tell them you have no intent to move mom soon). Present these to your Mom with a proposed rent payment IF you choose to continue with her living in your home. If you want her out, then gently tell her that now that covid has passed it's time for her to find a nice place of her own. Set a deadline for your talk and potential move. Good luck.
This doesn’t have anything to do with your sisters. Mom is living with you, not them. It’s between you and your mother.
Forget about your sisters. If they haven’t offered to help by now, they most likely won’t start now.
Tell mom that things have changed. Choose a price that you feel is fair for her to pay and ask for her to pay it. If she doesn’t find this satisfactory, ask her to move.
As far as your sisters go, ask them if they want to house mom for free. I bet the answer is no way. If they say yes they would, tell them you will have her bags packed and she will be ready for them to pick her up.
Wishing all the best to you. I feel your pain. I took care of my mom without the help of siblings. When my family criticized me, I told mom to go live with my brother. After that, he was singing a different tune. Only then did he realize how hard it was to be a primary caregiver. People who have never done caregiving don’t have a clue as to how hard it is. I know that I had no idea how hard it would become being a full time caregiver before I did it.
I was not so fortunate ...My mother had Alzheimers at a young age my sister and I never put her away. This care is a 24/7 commitment but we took turns and made it work. She passed and 5 years later my dad passed.. we cared for him at home as well, although his passing was more sudden. "Honor your father and mother" Exodus 20:12
First, those that not so subtly make you feel like you are God’s appointee to have your considerate mother under your roof, are just talking jive. If you feel the situation is not to your family’s liking, but most important it is not a matter of assets since mother has apparently enough moola to her name, then it is time to part in the most cordially of terms. The long distance disapproval of your sisters, who sound a little like Cinderella’s step sisters, mean that perhaps it is time for their collective selves bring mama into their homes, and show the world how is done with class above the rest. Do not let those opinions quoting the bible, from the wanna be saints in this community, make you feel any more guilty than you are probably feeling by now. Your life, your choice, perfect or imperfect, whatever is written in your heart that’s all that matters, and like I said, since apparently money is not the culprit of the problem, there are many dynamic communities filled with activities and interesting people that would most certainly thrill and entertain her age group in more ways than one. Best of the best.
One size does not fit all.
My mom saved all her life so she and her kids didn't have to worry if she needed assistance in her later years. It's still important to her to have her ''own place''. She is flourishing in a dementia focused AL, vs. our time during Covid, when she spent the day sitting on my sofa playing online solitaire, without any interaction beyond what I could briefly spare during my 50 hour work week. She was atrophying, and now she's even sticking to a shower schedule(!). She would never want my job performance to be affected by her care, or for me to spend my own savings when she has the means to be responsible for herself.
To each their own...
of your sisters . What they are doing is trying to let her keep as much of her money so try will inherit more. I don’t care what they say it’s not fair for you to pay everything and have your mother live there free with you and your sisters have no responsibility towards her your not an only child so why try and act like one.
She should help you pay elect water if you have a mortgage she should help with that also. Sit her down and figure out what would be a fair price for her to pay. Don’t let people make you live with guilt . No one lives free these days . only my opinion good luck to you
Take away all the expenses you had to pay before mom got there that really didn't change after she got there - your mortgage, insurance, prop taxes, car pmts, etc. Look at expenses that could have increased after she came - light bill, water bill, gas, internet (if you added other equipment for her benefit) and add those up. They should be divided between the number of people who live in your house and split in that manner. Meaning if there are only 3 in the house and light bill is $300 - her payment that month to the light bill is $100. Make payments directly to light co each month and you have an ongoing record of that expense - and how it fluctuates like any light bill would. Do the same for all other expenses that are shared.
For now she is lucid and (I assume) in pretty good health. As her personal needs increase, use her money to pay additional costs that are solely for her care. She has the money and that's what it is for. Don't hold back on what she needs in that department - in home care, cleaning, personal attendant.
Additionally, since she is in pretty good shape now - she needs to be visiting her other kids now while she can. THEY OWE her as much as you do. Nothing wrong with spending a few weeks to a month with each of them while your house remains as home base.
What I find interesting is that you're about ready to implode over this but you're still waiting for them to offer knowing that isn't going to happen.
Why not set up a family conference and very simply say I've done my part, I love my mother (because I can tell that you do), but it time for her other children to pay on what they owe. I've been paying on what I owe voluntarily, with love for 5 years, it's time for one of you to step up and care for her awhile. Which of you is it going to care for her now?
If they balk at caring for her, you can say but you owe her as much as I did.
Bless your mother's 85 year old heart. Would'nt she feel just awful if she thought she'd become a burden to you in any way?
Realistically speaking have you discussed this with your Mother?
She doesn't have to take on a mortgage, there are Senior 55+ Communities, Assisted Living or Personal Care Homes? Before your bottled up anger causes you to scream regrettables that can't be taken back at your precious Mother, the woman who raised you. How about being more assertive in gaining back your autonomy and some freedom. It sounds to me like your simply burnt out from being the sole caregiver.
I live in a 55+ Community so I know what I'm talking about when I say some of them have 70/30 and 60/40 rental apartments which means she could get an apartment for of 30% or 40% regular rentals and some like mine are very nice and encourage independent active living. My apt is a 70/30 and I pay 30% of $973. and my electric bill. so I pay about $180 per month on a 2 bdrm 2 ba apartment one bath is disability accessible with a walk in shower that has a built in bench and I pay about $80 monthly on electric by averaging it over 24 months.
The 55+ community I'm in has friendly people, is quiet and gated, has a dog park, allows small pets with pet deposit and pet rent, has a park with winding side walks, bbq grills, a porch with chairs and tables, a gazebo, ramps everywhere, handicap parking, a pool, scheduled activities, a club house with small business ctr, small library, continental breakfast bar in small dining area and a small recreation room behind the offices and conference room. Before COVID-19 it was a very busy club house. It is lovely here. Perhaps your mother would enjoy an apartment like this where she could mix and mingle with others. In many you can have a roommate on your lease or a 40 yr + caregiver in a 2 bdrm. apartment, and I forgot to mention our community vegetable garden tenant volunteers take care of.
There are assisted living apartments that vary some. The ones I visited are a little expensive but they all share certain features 2+ stories have elevators, tenants may have caregivers and visitors, come and go as they please, staff are present 24/7 at many which most often includes an RN, meals may be taken in the community dining room at an extra charge and must be reserved in advance, but tenants have kitchenettes in their studio or 1 bdrm apartments.
There are usually nice gardens to visit in, sometimes a spa or a pool. Usually a van that can be scheduled for medical visits, groceries and group activities off site.
I am pointing out options short of a personal care home or a nursing home. Their is also respite care which may be used to give you a short break.
And then there is always the option of sending your siblings a bill for their portion of housing and caregiving for your mother. Although from what you said that would not real any more than their angry comments but then again it might be a reality check for them.
Anyway, I hope my empathy & understanding if what your going through & the stress of your situation, added suggestions & housing options helped.
B
Her situation is very similar to what my youngest sister and I have to deal with when it came to providing quality care for our mother who had spent almost 12 years in a Nursing Home facility when she really didn't need to be there for half of that time. Usually the ones who complain the loudest and the most are the ones who are NOT willing to help out with either the care, the finances, Dr. appointments, medication, transportation, Nothing. My sister and I also tried to get our older 4 sisters to work with us by taking turns having mom stay with each of us for a specified period of time. That way they could experience first hand how much goes into the whole process but they even refused to agree to that. They initially did eventually agree she could stay for a 2 week visit with them instead of 2 months but at the last minute the backed out on that. For almost 1 year after moving our mother from a facility one of my older sisters did allow her to live in her home (but she took ALL of our mothers monthly income about $900) and tried to justify it by saying that's what the Nursing Home was doing for room and board so she should be able to as well. Our mother almost died at her home from a bowel obstruction which ruptured and forced emergency surgery and 6 week long near death stay in the hospital. Thank God she's much better now and living in Assisted Housing in a Senior Complex. Her physical and mental health are so much better now too. Her doctors told us getting her away from a toxic environment was the main key to mom's miraculous recovery. My younger sister and I limit mom's phone contact when our older sisters begin to get toxic and mom has learned to not take their calls if they start to irritate her or get her upset. We are so proud of her.
once you have had the discussion with your sisters then you need to have the discussion with your mother.
Wonderful you and sisters all work together for the benefit of your mother. So nice to hear.