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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
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I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Take a deep breath and think about why you feel guilty. You aren't able to manage taking care of your mother on your own anymore. Needing help is nothing to feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed about.
If you think placing her in a nursing home is the best decision for both of you, then that's what you do. It's not wrong. It doesn't mean you don't love your mother. It means that she needs care that you aren't able to provide.
Verbal abuse and lashing out are forms of abuse and no one has to live with abuse. It's time to give yourself some kindness and care. You did your best to be your mother's caregiver for as long as you could. You should be commended for that. Your time as her sole caregiver has to be at an end now and that's perfectly fine.
Will she like a nursing home? No, she will not. If she lashes out and gets verbally abusive with staff they will ignore or medicate her. It will be adjustment for her and there is a strong possibility that she will not adjust to facility life. You have to put your own mental and physical health first now.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and was good at it. I had many elderly clients with dementia (and without) who were verbally abusive, liked to pick fights, enjoyed trying to cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble, and lashed out (sometimes they physically tried to get violent). I knew the day I had to walk away from hands-on caregiving. I could not take one more moment with an ornery elder, or one repeating in a dementia loop, change one more diaper, clean up one more 'accident', or wear down one more person to get them to shower or wash up. Yet, I still had 25 years of knowing how to cope with being a caregiver. So I went into the business of it.
You have learned from being a caregiver to your mother and that has value in of itself. It's time for you to stop. Trust yourself, You'll do what's best for both of you and if it's placing your mother in LTC that is fine. No guilt. No regrets.
If you are getting paid by Medicaid the Community Based Program she should have so many respite hours for you to take a break. So if she has Medicaid and have Respite hours call the insurance and contact her case manager letting her/him know you want a break. To set up the respite hours of the nursing facility of your choice. Each nursing home will have a certain amount of days they do respite care. Make sure you call them first.
A burned out caregiver is no good to anyone. Not your fault, it happens to the best of us. It’s your mind and body signaling it’s time for change for you both. Of course almost no one wants to go to nursing home care, but sometimes it’s the best option among all the bad options when there are multiple issues and few choices left. Make no apologies and feel no guilt, you’ve done your best. Do get her on calming medication prior to a move. Sometimes it takes a bit to find the right balance but she deserves to feel calm instead of angry and anxious. I wish you both peace
If you are burned out there are options. And keep in mind YOU are the one making the decisions NOT your mother. 1. You find an Adult Day Program mom can go to 2. 3 4, 5 days a week. That gives you a break. 2. You hire caregivers to help you. And you let them. When they show up you leave the house. 3. You place mom in Respite for a week, maybe 2 and you take a vacation. You can go away or stay home and do what you want. (sit and watch TV and eat a pint of ice cream is you want) 4. Place mom in a facility that can manage her care.
Now if m om is cognizant has she talked with a therapist to help her with her anger and to help deal with the trauma of the abuse? She may need medication to help her.
If your goal is to "take care" of her then you should have no guilt in finding a solution that will get her the care she needs and the help that you need.
So is she verbally abusing you and this is supposedly excusable or understandable in some way because she was abused by your father? How does this make sense? Did you cause your father to abuse her? Did you make her stay with him?
It’s not OK to abuse other people, “anger issues” or no. And caregiving needs to work for both parties and it sounds like it isn’t working out since she is angry and abusive. Time to find another situation for her.
Is she on any meds for her depression/agitation? If not, now's the time (before transitioning her) to talk to her doctor. It might also address the OCD/germ thing and even if it doesn't, it's not an excuse. Few elders ever look forward to going into a facility but often it is a viable and appropriate (and only) solution. Do not feel guilty -- you aren't doing anything "wrong". You are doing what's exactly right for the both of you. Win-win. May you receive peace in your heart.
No, you should not feel guilty. My mom was super sensitive to handwashing and now she never washes her hands. As dementia takes over their usual obsessions can change.
Also, you need to stop making excuses for your mom. She should have dealt with her anger issues not made you a victim. Get therapy and work through the abuse you have suffered. You deserve to be freed from her abuse. Also, do not visit her daily or let her call you. It's time to let the facility handle her. I visit my mom twice a week for one hour each. That's all I can do and still be healthy.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Take a deep breath and think about why you feel guilty. You aren't able to manage taking care of your mother on your own anymore. Needing help is nothing to feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed about.
If you think placing her in a nursing home is the best decision for both of you, then that's what you do. It's not wrong. It doesn't mean you don't love your mother. It means that she needs care that you aren't able to provide.
Verbal abuse and lashing out are forms of abuse and no one has to live with abuse. It's time to give yourself some kindness and care. You did your best to be your mother's caregiver for as long as you could. You should be commended for that. Your time as her sole caregiver has to be at an end now and that's perfectly fine.
Will she like a nursing home? No, she will not. If she lashes out and gets verbally abusive with staff they will ignore or medicate her. It will be adjustment for her and there is a strong possibility that she will not adjust to facility life. You have to put your own mental and physical health first now.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and was good at it. I had many elderly clients with dementia (and without) who were verbally abusive, liked to pick fights, enjoyed trying to cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble, and lashed out (sometimes they physically tried to get violent). I knew the day I had to walk away from hands-on caregiving. I could not take one more moment with an ornery elder, or one repeating in a dementia loop, change one more diaper, clean up one more 'accident', or wear down one more person to get them to shower or wash up. Yet, I still had 25 years of knowing how to cope with being a caregiver. So I went into the business of it.
You have learned from being a caregiver to your mother and that has value in of itself. It's time for you to stop. Trust yourself, You'll do what's best for both of you and if it's placing your mother in LTC that is fine. No guilt. No regrets.
And keep in mind YOU are the one making the decisions NOT your mother.
1. You find an Adult Day Program mom can go to 2. 3 4, 5 days a week. That gives you a break.
2. You hire caregivers to help you. And you let them. When they show up you leave the house.
3. You place mom in Respite for a week, maybe 2 and you take a vacation. You can go away or stay home and do what you want. (sit and watch TV and eat a pint of ice cream is you want)
4. Place mom in a facility that can manage her care.
Now if m om is cognizant has she talked with a therapist to help her with her anger and to help deal with the trauma of the abuse? She may need medication to help her.
If your goal is to "take care" of her then you should have no guilt in finding a solution that will get her the care she needs and the help that you need.
It’s not OK to abuse other people, “anger issues” or no. And caregiving needs to work for both parties and it sounds like it isn’t working out since she is angry and abusive. Time to find another situation for her.
Also, you need to stop making excuses for your mom. She should have dealt with her anger issues not made you a victim. Get therapy and work through the abuse you have suffered. You deserve to be freed from her abuse. Also, do not visit her daily or let her call you. It's time to let the facility handle her. I visit my mom twice a week for one hour each. That's all I can do and still be healthy.