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Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!

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Romeo, let us know when your first appointment is.

Also, your going to therapy is NONE of your parents' business. You would be wise not to tell them that you are going.
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Also Romeo, I didn't mean your addicted to drama in a bad way.

It's a natural response that many people develop after a lot of trauma that they didn't cause, because it's hard for the mind to relax after a lot of dramatic events.

My friend went through a lot of tramitic events, and now the slightest little things, she acts like it's the end of the world.

Her son hurt his eye, I get a text from her that sounded like he was near death.

No one likes drama but many get caught up into the need for it because they don't know what to do without it.

I need to find a better way to explain this, because my friend had the same reaction, and thought I was criticizing her.
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Romeo ,

When our parents get old and need our help , the relationship changes , that’s just a fact .

You need to set some boundaries .

“ I’m sorry Mom , that does not work for me “

“ I’m sorry , but that will not be possible “.

“I’m sorry , I need to get home and get back to my own chores now .”

”You have what you need , I’m going home now “.
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Romeo, I want to encourage you to not get into what others think your relationship for your entire life is or might have been with your parents. You have shared the love you all have for one another, all the amazing journeys that you shared and other stuff, this is the reality of your life. Others can not know and therefore any criticism or judgment about what they think your parents motives were are counterproductive to the current situation. Most of them can not imagine what a close, loving relationship with parents look like and base everything on their personal dysfunction with their parents.

It is absolutely NORMAL for people to get clingy, scared, dependant and difficult as they age, and the older they get the worse it gets, it doesn't change the truth of a life long loving relationship.

Because your parents are heading towards their end, it is important for you to come to terms with losing them and suddenly stepping away and not honoring your relationship with them will not be good for you, you will destroy your own heart by not being true to your feelings for your parents. Getting irritated, pissed, fed up and all the other negative things is normal for the caregiver, those emotions should not color the entire past reality of your relationship.

Obviously you need boundaries and a plan but, please do not disrespect what you know, from your own words, has been a friendship with your parents for your entire life.

Vent if you need to and learn to not read posts that are not helpful, that's what this forum is for, aging care support.

How did your husband do on his business trip?
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I really can't stand drama, but if you think so - fine. I really could not care less and I'm going to stop ranting. Thank you for your advice.
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135 answers .

The simple answer to your original question regarding feeling like a prisoner is :

“ No Mom ( and/or Dad ) , I’m leaving now “. Period .
And leave.
No discussions , or explanations .
Stop sharing information with your parents about your life .

This answer works for a lot of your rants.
Leave . Don’t engage in any of your parent’s nonsense . They can not be reasoned with. They are not going to change . Don’t stick around in their home , drop food off and Run.
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Romeo, you remind me of a couple other past posters addicted to their parents’ problems. One kept paying mom to stay in hotels and now wonders why mom is now wanting a hotel in the same city as her daughter. The other stays around constantly for her father to feel important in relation to a brother whom she is jealous of and who treats her poorly.
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This is not from boredom - believe me - how can one be bored after breast cancer and my husband now having cancer. This is no joke. Yes, I probably created the boundary issue years ago when I was young. Some of your comments are insensitive - why are you on this site then answering my post? I used other names because I couldn't remember my password - silly. Writing is the only way I can stay sane at the moment. Like I said, why did you even answer this?
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My memory is that Beatty warned us in the beginning that Romeo and his/her earlier names was a compulsive poster who was ‘all over the net’. That ‘warning’ seems to have been deleted.

However this thread has notched up 132 actual answers in less than 2 weeks (and I don’t think that includes comments that don’t rate as answers). Enough said! This is just fun for someone who thinks it’s fun and has nothing better to do.
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pamzimmrrt Sep 11, 2024
Im having Lisa flashbacks. And I feel like Romeo is a bit lonely. Or bored?
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I have a therapy place near. I'm going to call tomorrow.
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peace416 Sep 11, 2024
I hope you do make that call and can get an appointment as soon as possible. Time to take your rants to a psychotherapist. Look at it also as an opportunity to be away from your parents for an hour or so.
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You can 'rant' all you want but it isn't going to fix the situation until you take action. Or is that the whole idea?
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No Barb - I didn't have time to. I just got yelled at again by my dad. I will tell you about it later. I can't take that! He has always been ashamed not to know something - maybe flying jets he had to know or you die. He had trouble with the remote so I took it out of his hands because his arthritic fingers are in the way and it's easier for me to show him in my hand. My mom said to him - I told you she would grab it out of your hand. So I replied - you both are being so mean to me and she said mean? He immediately panicked when I took the remote and said - I can't see it - you're not showing me!!!! I told him I am showing you and he screamed at me Ok Ok Ok. He has been like this all of his life and now even more so. I can't take this anymore!
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Beatty Sep 11, 2024
Romeo, you are drowning in the small stuff & fluff of your parents lives. Everyday.

Taking less & less breathes for yourself. I guess eventually you will run out of air altogether & they will out live you.

Or you make changes.
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Romeo, have you seen a mental health professional of any sort yet?
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Even though I only saw them every 2 months for 29 years, I am tied to them MENTALLY. I am very disturbed by this right now. I am really going to try to calm down and not think about them. They make friends easily - all over the world they have friends and in Florida and wherever they lived, but they say they wouldn't bother with people in Assisted living. What??? My Dad said that they aren't ready for Assisted Living and the room was way too small and there's no stove. I told them, but for the room being small, it would be like living in a hotel - room service for food, making your beds, medicines taken care of, blood pressure taken, etc. I can understand that they have been very self-sufficient up until this year - where my Dad is screwing up my mom's pills, so I check them and his driving is questionable, so we will see what happens. I guess in one way, even the simplest thing of cooking a meal or making a bed helps them keep their mind going. Also, a lot of people who are taking care of their parents' needs now, just started - they haven't done this all of their lives - mentally or physically. I have been there and catered to their every whim all of my life - so I am done. I didn't mind and still don't mind, but I know what it did and is doing to me now. I went to every doctors appointment to support them even when they were young. I stayed home at night and kept my mom company while my Dad was on trips. I will have no regrets, but I am starting to feel bad that I am not being loyal by talking about them.
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MeDolly Sep 11, 2024
Who babysits their mother when the husband is out of town and when younger goes to doctor appointments with them like they are little kids.

When they say jump you holler "How High", "How High"?

It is you, not them, you have created this situation, you cannot stop yourself, you have programmed yourself to be their servant...their savior.

All these rants are not resolving the issues that you have, please get the mental help that you need.
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Your parents need to be in an Assisted Living. They cannot function on their own. Thats the only way you are going to get some freedom. Sorry, you made this problem allowing them to be dependent on you all these years. Now they are 90 and you cannot now set boundaries because you too are now a Senior and don't want to do it anymore.

I might as well have been an only child. My sister died, brother #1 lives 8 hrs away and brother #2 was never around. It was all on me. Oldest child and a girl. I loved my parents and had a strong Mom. Dad went on Social Security Disability at 52. Mom took care of him till the day he died at 79. He was not bedridden till the last month of his life. She never asked for help. I was only asked to drive him to appts she was not able to drive to. When he passed, she had her Church and other widowed friends she went out with. When she no longer was allowed to drive, we had a day a week we ran errands, once a week we went out to dinner and Church on Sunday. I did not owe my Mom my life. And she did not expect it.
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So my father walks to the supermarket and then doesn't buy bread. My mother said I thought you bought bread yesterday and I said no - it was 4 pm when we got home from our outing. My Dad knew there wasn't bread. If he took a walk and knew there wasn't bread, why didn't he buy it???? Why didn't he say, maybe I should buy an extra loaf, just in case???? I don't like to be questioned about their food. I told them you can order stuff online and even have your medicine delivered. I'm going to stay strong and not run out right this minute - I need to get some provisions for myself, so they can have a later lunch. They'll have to wait. I just told here there is sour cream and bananas. She told me she's eating American cheese, ham and crackers. My Dad wants to go supermarket shopping with me - I hate doing that with him. I like to browse and I refuse to do that. I DO NOT like shopping with anyone in any store - not even my mother. I like peace when I shop, so you guys are right - I'm not going to change my lifestyle for them.
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Guess what?? My Mom asked are you going to come up and watch the debate with us and your husband and my dad answered for me and said her husband just got home from the business trip - just relax together! See my Dad is more laid back about the "clinginess" - my mom is not. I told them no I won't be back and I just want to sit on my own couch and mom pouted a little and didn't say anything more. She said thank you for everything! What???? This doesn't mean anything. I have a question - why does my mom always look angry even if it's a statement someone makes - is it because she can't hear good or is her brain trying to cope with something? Thank you to everyone again! Love you guys!
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Anxietynacy Sep 10, 2024
Romeo, it's her brain, dementia eve. Slight can deplete the brain of happy chemicals, like dopamine.

That is what I have heard anyways, I suspect someone will say I'm its not true.

Anyways makes sense to me. And Romeo , we have all been though this and learned to , get thinker skin.
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I was supposed to go for therapy, but of course, something probably turned up!
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Ok. I'm wondering if I should change where I post my "rants" because I learned a lot so far about the "what to do" part of this - now I just want to rant while I start figuring out how I can manage them. My Dad is forgetting things like we told him you don't have to go to the bank to deposit a check - the problem is he's getting upset because he's forgetting and he's embarrassed. I must be putting off my frustrations too and they're noticing - but I can't help it and they still comprehend things, so I think they can understand that I'm frustrated, but they will never admit it. Let me know where I can RANT. PS: I just said I decided not to go to the supermarket - it's too late (knowing the have food and she has pizza) and my mom said Oh, it's ok - it's late. I didn't even ask what they're eating. My husband said to let them make mistakes if the ignore you and Dad yelled because he realized that I knew he screwed up. I will NOT be yelled at!
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Anxietynacy Sep 10, 2024
Go down to discussions, id write something like I just need to vent, something like that
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Well, my Dad just screamed at me in the garage and he's using "old age" as an excuse. I told him Dad wait I have the keys - he keeps on walking - Dad wait I have the keys - keeps on walking - he turns around and screams at me - I didn't hear you - I said all I was saying was wait I have the keys - why did you yell at me and you need to apologize to me - so my mother says Oh apologize to her after I took her for a ride waiting for Dad to come out of the doctor and bought her dessert and pizza and she said Oh Dad would like dessert, so I replied yes I guess YOU can get dessert for him, meaning you should pay for it. I just bought them dinners and dessert every night this week. I really really don't like being yelled at. They know damn well they are using and irritating me. The least they can say is sorry that we are being cranky. Nope, my mom did say "thank you for helping me" the other night, but they won't admit that they are irritating me and you think they would say sorry??? She keeps on wanting to know what I do in my apartment and today she finally admitted that I must be busy after helping her. Sorry, but even if I get frustrated, they need to understand why and not yell at me. I'm sick and tired of my Dad saying when you reach my age - I told him what do you mean - I'm 64 with more joint pains and issues with my body than you and mom. I just can't bite my tongue any longer, so I screamed back. I'm so upset I can't even write properly.
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MeDolly Sep 10, 2024
Why in the world do you keep overextending yourself for them? Also buying them dinners...why?

What goes on in your head, why can't you stop this behavior?

Please get yourself some therapy, you really need it.
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I think Romeo's parents took away her phone and locked her and her DH in their spare bedroom so they would never, ever leave.
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Romeo13 Sep 10, 2024
Yeah - I feel like the did that to us. I used to enjoy seeing them after 2 months of not seeing them in Florida. My mother used to say when they started to irritate me after THREE months staying with us when they rented their place so they could travel - The fish starts to stink after 3 days - no mom what about after 3 months????
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You and husband have your own health problems. Your parents need to go into an AL or hire aides. You two are killing yourself. Do you know that stress contributes to cancer. I know its hard to set boundaries now but you and DH are now Seniors too with health problems. Your parents have to see this.
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I have a lot of issues that I need to change - dog and parents. I need to “will” my dog to someone, just in case. I think his trainer would take him and Romeo loves him and vice versa. Between the both of us not doing good with our health, it’s time to be more serious about Romeo’s wellbeing.
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Beatty Sep 9, 2024
"it’s time to be more serious about Romeo’s wellbeing"

It's time to be more serious about YOUR wellbeing + your husband's wellbeing. ??
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"It was 11 pm and they asked us to stay longer."

Sorry to be nosy, but what are you doing in their apartment at 11pm?

Wouldn't your Husband have things to do &/or need an early night before his trip?
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Romeo13 Sep 8, 2024
Yes Beatty - another family “affair”.
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I just want to thank everyone on this forum from the bottom of my heart. You have ALL helped me in so many ways. I am drained and could cry right now from having mixed emotions. Seeing my parents literally not the same people, even though "you don't change the spots on a leopard", but seeing them losing their memory recently has been devasting for me. My mom goes from being the sweetest person to be so cranky and my Dad was again trying to prove how they needed him to do a mission in the Airforce. I'm literally drained tonight. It was 11 pm and they asked us to stay longer. My husband has a business trip tomorrow like I mentioned. I'm so tired of trying to appease them. It's only been 11/2 months and I'm miserable.
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sp196902 Sep 8, 2024
Nothing changes if nothing changes. And nothing is going to change.

You and your DH refuse to put yourselves and your health and well being ahead of your parents wants.

Although they are 97 and 93 they will probably outlive both of you at this rate.
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Hi Lost: Last time I was in Istanbul, Turkey was when I was about maybe 15 and we were waiting for my Dad to come down and these Turkish men were hitting on my gorgeous Mom - which she still is. Loved the Acropolis in Athens and went to Rhodes and as for Croatia - we traveled all over back, which was back then, Yugoslavia and stayed in now Montenegro at the King's Palace for 1 month on the water - not to be believed! Then we took a ferry to Italy and we all got soooo sick! Never been to Asia - the furthest trip for us was Buenos Aires, Argentina. I just hope we can do this again like you said. I feel so sorry for my parents who will never be able to travel again - that was their passion.
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I want to see Ireland and all the castles - I'm obsessed with Ancient History and I LOVE castles. My husband wants to take me - he was worried I was going to die.
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LostinPlace Sep 7, 2024
Me too, Romeo. I love anything to do with ancient history and architecture.

Maybe we should start a new discussion thread about our dream fantasy of the "perfect" respite vacation. If we could afford it, that is. And if we were healthy enough, or young enough...

I'd personally love to spend time in Greece, Croatia, Turkey, and Vietnam. With a long pit stop in Italy.
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Sorry, I live in Alexandria, VA - 15 minutes from DC and not even 10 minutes to Reagan National Airport. He's going to Atlanta.
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@anxietynacy,

It's normal to stress about an upcoming trip that will take you far away, especially to a place where you haven't been to before.

I was REALLY scared and tense before we moved to Italy, it was a relief to get on the plane and the feeling of excitement replaced the fears.

Ireland is gorgeous and low key...almost like a fairy tale of enchanted lands, winding country roads, hobbit houses hidden behind hedges, and castles by the wild sea. Full of colors and nature. The big cities are more boisterous, but still great.
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Hi Hope - he can function, but he gets tired very easily. Yes, he's in pain. I had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction and I was in pain, but I moved around. He can move, but like I said he gets very tired. Look he went to Home Depot to get me a key which I lost - he worries about me too. Nothing "unusual" is happening here, just a dedicated worker and husband. Thank you.
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Hopeforhelp22 Sep 7, 2024
Hi Romeo - I understand your saying that he's a dedicated worker/husband - but you said that he can hardly speak from his tonsil cancer - so how productive can he be taking this business trip if he can hardly talk? It's such a strain he's placing on himself - it's terrible that the law firm he works in wouldn't recognize that.
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