She came up with the notion that two identical babies were born at the same time at the hospital; that two kids graduated at the same time at my high school; and so on. She often speaks to me about "my son Douglas" in the third person when talking to me and demands that I tell her where he is. I am now 68 years old (she's 88) and my hair is going gray, and my neck is starting to show signs of age. We live in the same place; we depend on each other. She can get very angry if I deny this notion, or if I insist that she show proof for her assertion--I could show her medical records and such, or even point out that the FBI has my fingerprints (I used to work for the post office). And this comes and goes--she will introduce me as her son Douglas to people we meet in public. I have given serious consideration to arranging conservatorship although I do not have the financial wherewithal for it.
Using facts and logic and evidence aren't going to make a shred of difference to her.
Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos? She has some great techniques for dealing with the illogical thought processes of dementia patients.
"When you say "here" mom, tell me what you mean?"
Dougie, let me tell you a story. Years ago, my 18 month old daughter, who was very precocious of speech said to me "when I grow up, I want to have a penooter, just like Daddy's". I panicked, thinking she was asking about anatonical gender differences, and I hadn't gotten to that chapter of the parenting book yet!
My own mom was famous for making asuumptions about what we were asking about and so I slowed down and asked "Adina, when you say Penooter, what do you mean?"
"That things what's downstairs with all the buttons" (A computer!!!!! that's what she meant! Yaay).
Yes, dear child, you may have a COMPUTER just like Daddy's when you grown up (and indeed she does and followed him into his field of IT security).
Ask questions. Find out what she's thinking. Try hard not the be the enemy Dougie.
I have never had to go through what you're dealing with but I can sympathize with you. It certainly hasn't been easy for you - at all.
God will understand, whatever you need to do - do it to save your sanity.
I am praying for you. Heck, I pray for my own sanity every night.
You shouldn't have to deal with all this. You didn't ask to be born and we don't get to pick our parents.
Huggers,
linda
I myself had been going to a psychiatrist--a rather crusty, outspoken one. He wanted to interview my Mom, who was not suffering from any afflictions of advanced age at the time. She agreed, and attended a one-on-one session with him. He later told me she was "narcissistic." The fact that she is hard of hearing complicates matters but I got a small dry-erase board and markers to write out messages to her...right now that's handy, since I have a bad cold and speaking loudly starts me in a coughing fit.
"mom, I'm so very sorry that you think I've taken your money; it must hurt you to think that you can't trust me. I'm so sorry that you feel that way"... in other words, validate the FEELING. Don't debate the facts; her brain can't wrap itself around facts or reasoning any more. If her purse/money/whatever is gone, it's because someone took it. You are there, ergo YOU must have taken it.
You need to enter her reality and not dispute it.
Have you had a chance to watch any Teepa Snow videos on helping dementia patients?
Dougiemonty1, what is your Mom's sleep disturbance like? Does she move about, as if she if acting out a dream? Legs running, arms punching, etc? Are the dreams always along the lines of an animal or bad guy chasing her?
Sometimes it's worse to argue with them. My DH swears he has 3 wives and we're all named Linda. I asked him, then why aren't the other 2 helping?
You'll make yourself crazy over this - not worth it - just show her some "birthmark" to explain you're the other Douglas. It doesn't need to be anything special - a freckle or a mole will do.
The flip-side is you can blame all the bad things on "other Douglas" and sympathize with her as you being the better Douglas who is caring for her.
Good Luck Douglas, I know it gets difficult.
If she is cold, maybe finding a nice little space heater that shuts off when tipped or covered when on. This could keep her in her bed at night all snuggly and warm.
I had sleep issues for years, turned out that a 400mg Magnesium citrate (never oxide, this is hard for our bodies to absorb) nightly and I sleep like a baby, except I don't wet.😁
Money, maybe it's time to take debit cards, CC, checks or anything else that allows her to get a hold of the money away from her, I have to have a monthly meeting about money with my dad and it is really hard to be accused of taking his money, ugh, part of the disease.
Good luck on finding the solutions that work best for you and mom. It gets worse as it progresses so start now getting a team lined up to help you and mom, it is NOT a one man job, no matter how tough we are. It can be lonely, frustrating, heartbreaking and exhausting (to name a few). Locate and start using local resources, as it progresses change gets harder for your LO. (loved one)
Your mom probably has some form of dementia. You need to educate yourself on what dementia is, the symptoms and how it will progress.
She will become more and more confused. She needs an evaluation from her doctor now, then an evaluation from a geriatric neurologist.
You will need to be more and more observant of her behavior. The stove is just one example. She may begin wandering during the night and doing other dangerous and strange behaviors.
Now would be a good time to become her Power of Attorney (POA) for health and financial, if you aren't already. Tell her, in case she can't speak for herself, she needs to give you the power to speak for her. You should also get her to put you on her bank accounts as co-owner. You will need to do her banking in the future.
This is a long hard road. You need all the information you can get. Then you need to get things set up to make it easier to care for your mom.