I have tried to explain to my boyfriend that there are other ways to take care of her and still honor his responsibility to her, without moving her into our home. She currently lives alone, 12 hours away, but he could help her sell her huge 2 story house, (that’s paid off by the way), and use that money to buy/rent a smaller place that’s one floor and safer and more functional for someone her age. Or he could find an independent/assisted living facility for her when she gets to the point of needing care. She has no major health issues except for being slightly overweight and stubborn about being safe and not doing things like changing a light bulb from a wobbly chair. He could even manage her finances online if he’s worried about that, I did this for my father for 5 years. And if she wants to be near him he could sell her house and mover her here and do the same things for her here, but there is no reason why the first and only option has to be moving her in with us permanently just because shes told him she wants to “combine” homes. I have extreme anxiety about having people in my home, I don’t like having guests unless it’s my kids, parents or brother, it makes me almost sick having to worry about my guests and I stress over everything while they visit, what should I do about where theyll sleep,, keeping them entertained 24/7, do they time alone, are they comfortable, should I wait till they are here and ask what they want to eat before I plan a meal? The thought of his mother becoming a permanent house guest, a woman I’ve only met twice and never had an actual Conversation with, makes me sick to my stomach and my chest tightens up even thinking about it. I work from home and I would become her 24/7 caretaker by default and I’m afraid it will affect my mental health and our relationship having her here for what could be 5-10+ years,
She’s never asked me if I was ok with her moving into our house and she just assumes that I’m going to be her caretaker when she needs something, I’m not even officially engaged to my BF and I find it extremely presumptuous for her or him to even suggest her moving in at this point anyways. She’s made comments talking to my BF before on the phone whe trying to manipulate him into letting her move in that “oh, if I move in you won’t have to worry about me, your GF can take me to the doctor and help me out, you wouldn’t have to take off work, you won’t have to worry anymore about me if I’m there.” And I’ve heard his response of “yeah that’s true.” When I voice my concerns about it and that I’m not in favor of it he always responds with, I’ll take care of her she won’t be a bother and you’re always home anyways what’s the big deal?” Well, my deal is that, at 50yrs old myself, I don’t want to live with someone else’s mother and become their caregiver for what could be another 5-10 years and I don’t want to be taken advantage of because I work from home and my BF doesn’t. I would never move my mother in with us if I worked outside of the home and my BF worked from home and expect him to take care of my mother for me. He thinks im
being selfish but he really has no idea what he’s getting us both into because when she does start to need help it’s so much more invovlved that he realizes and it’s physically too much for me to even try to help her out of a chair at this point in my life, my shoulder goes in and out of place with the slightest pulling/pushing tasks and I have health issues of my own to deal with. I don’t know how to make
him understand my side of this and how unfair it is for him to expect me to assume his responsibility when I have my own mother who lives 14 hrs away and will eventually need help as well. I already have plans in place for my mother and he would never have to lift a finger to help her.
You can try to explain, but it may or may not work, but you can TELL him this is not acceptable. It could cost you the relationship, but if you let the mom in the relationship is doomed anyway.
The best thing for all involved, including the mom, is to get her in an independent living facility nearby.
No kitchen is ever big enough for 2 women.
You already know this.
You already warned your boyfriend.
Next steps:
You should seek legal counsel on how to force the sale of the house AND let him know that you will do that.
You should look for another place that you can move to when the queen mom moves in.
You should start packing up your stuff now. The visual of an empty kitchen and closets, etc. will show him that you are serious.
1) Hire an office to work from, or find a ‘share office’ with ‘hot desks’. Do it ASAP, while this discussion is still going on. You working from home and being available is part of this mindset. You can find a good reason to change that, even if it's as blunt as 'I won't be able to work from home if MIL moves in'. And/or:
2) Tell MIL straight out that you don’t want her. Stop trying to use BF as an intermediary, when you know he isn’t going to tell her your side of it. She may not have a clear idea that you don't want her to come. It may lead to a row, but even that is not inevitable. She may simply not know how strongly you feel.
You need to act youself, not just argue with BF. This whole idea is based on you having a lot of direct dealings with MIL, so start now. It’s the only hope for your relationship, which will otherwise go down the gurgler. And remember, if you end up moving out, you take your own furniture with you.
Have your real estate attorney contact her so she can buy you out. Or instead, buy you both out so there will be money enough for you both to move out.
Otherwise, stand your ground. See an attorney now, have the attorney explain the financials to your boyfriend, say for instance, if she is really moving in.
This complicates the issue. What proportion did you pay for the house, and what did he pay? Who holds title to the house? If he has a financial and legal interest in the house and his name is on the title, you need to look to legal means to pay off his portion of ownership, change the title to remove his name, and record a new deed.
1) a communication problem between you and him
2) a prioritizing problem on BFs part.
It is your home too and you have a say as to who moves in.
That mother sounds like a real piece and very manipulative and it seems that BF is under her thumb. This does not bode well for the two of you.
I think this is a watershed issue. You take a stand and either BF continues to cave to his mother creating an intolerable situation for you or he values his relationship with you enough to respect your boundaries and make other arrangements for his mother.
"I find it extremely presumptuous for her or him to even suggest her moving in" I completely agree.
You have tried explaining and he doesn't get it so stop trying to make him understand. He's not going to. What you need to do is figure out what you will and will not tolerate.
If this is a deal breaker, which is what it sounds like when I read what you have written, you owe it to him and to yourself to make that very clear to him. That it's either you and him only living together and other arrangements for his mum, or...figure out your plan B of living without him.
I would make it PERFECTLY clear that if she moves in you move out.
This might be a bit of a challenge depending on who's name is on the Lease or Mortgage.
Depending on how long you two have been together I am sure you have some equity in the house if you both own it. If need be a buy out by him to provide you with income to purchase a place of your own. (If you both own the property) If you are renting it might just be getting your name off the lease if it is on it.
It sounds like he is set on moving her in and he is not listening to and respecting your point of view.
Make plans to move out and see what he says and does.
And get you to do all the work.
Even saying you are always home anyway sounds disrespectful. You are working which happens to be at home which is your office and you are not available.
If i were you, I would examine this relationship very carefully.
As woman of 50, your financial power in terms of earnings and saving for your own retirement is at its peak.
But can you be bold enough to pick up the phone, talk to his Mom directly, and tell her it's never going to happen, ever. Be firm.
Your boyfriend may be the type who needs someone to speak up for him, not being able to say no.
I just don't want you to be stressed and worry (some posters have, for years-thinking of Dorker) under the threats that Mom will be moving in.
His actions, will however, change things for you.
Can you nip this in the bud with her now?
Chills running down my spine if anyone should ever think they will be moving in my home.
Then be certain you have a job, savings and don't have a baby. You cannot make anyone else understand ANYTHING. If you could then all my friends would be voting the way I tell them to.
You need to stop talking on and on and make it short, sweet and simple. That you are sorry, but for you that is a deal breaker, and you have neither the will nor intention of explaining it to him.
Please think carefully about your decision and let me know what you decide.”
BF decides.
The consequences are his.
He can respect his GF & her right to say no. (aka the respectful way).
Result: He finds another solution for his Mother's care.
Or he can continue to push & bully, GF still says no, GF kicks him out or leaves him.
(aka the hard way)
Result: He is forced to find another solution for his Mother's care.
He has a big impact on whether his relationship gets strengthened or crumbles... Will he burn up with resentment because his GF won't OBEY him?
Or will he see how inappropriate trying to control her is?
My own parents marriage not only survived this situation but was strengthened by it. She said no. He respected that. (Well after a few arguments!! 🤪)
In this instance, Mom is completely independent. Her house is now too big for her. Sell it and go into an apartment. Believe me, if she got another house, dear son would be expected to mow her lawn and do the upkeep. With an apartment there is a maintenance man. All she will have in bills is electric, phone, cable and WiFi.
Parents who need help need to do what they need to to get it. If it means selling their home to pay for an AL, so be it. If they want to stay in their home, then they need to be able to pay for aides. In this day and age, no one should be looking at their kids to be the ones to care for them. There are options out there and the parent should be using them before asking a child to give up their lives to be Caregivers.
Does his Mom own the home you and boyfriend are living in?
That would be a very sad-case scenario.
Tell him and his mother that if she moves in you will be doing nothing for her. She is capable of making her own meals. Capable of doing her own laundry. If she needs rides she either uses the Senior bus the County provides or her son has to take off from work. You are not his wife or her DIL and even if u were, does not obligate you to do anything for her. You work from home and like any job, you time clock in and you time clock out. If you need to go to a Dr. U use your PT for you not her. You will need to be blunt because you don't seem to be getting ur point across. You will not be there for her.
My MIL moved to Fla when she and DFIL were 68. He died 3 yrs later from lung cancer. She lived 15 hrs away. When our children were grown she started on my husband to move down there. He never said no but never said "I'll think about it". Just let her go because it was easier. She was passive-aggressive with a personality disorder. When he retired, the "why don't you move here" got worse. It stopped when I happened to be the one who picked up the phone. The house behind her was up for sale. I bluntly told her that we would not be moving to Fla. I had my Widowed Mom getting up there in age, my girls and a grandson. Next thing she said was Mom could come too. I said no, she had her friends and Church and I would not take her away from that. Her response "We all have to compromise". In my mind "Yes E everyone but you" 😊
My mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
You have gained insight into who he is. I don't think he hears what you are saying
because it is your job as a woman to do those tasks. Toss him back, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
I know exactly how you feel about having visitors in my home. For me, I am no Martha Stewart, Julia Childs, nor Hazel, so I am constantly worrying if I had forgotten to dust something, or if the bathrooms were clean enough, or if the guest room was comfortable. And if the heat was too low or too high. Eeeeeeek. Now we book rooms at a local hotel, but I know you can't do that with your boyfriend's Mom.
In my opinion, a relationship requires team work which applies to decision making, especially where moving a parent into the home comes into play. Your b/f has a lot of chutzpah making such a decision alone w/o your approval, especially b/c it IS a 'big deal' that you WILL be in charge of her care, driving her around to doctor's appointments, feeding her and being her entertainment committee in general. This affects every single aspect of your life and your privacy as a couple to boot! Hello? Is your boyfriend THAT tone deaf that he can't see this fact?
I would tell him what you've told us here on the forum. Lay down your feelings in plain English for him to mull over, and let him know you do not want his mother moving into your home. Period. If you can't reach an agreement together on this issue, then this is one of MANY future issues you'll face together and disagree on. You'll have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship where your feelings and feedback are not taken into consideration. How does he have the right to make a decision for you to be the workhorse for HIS mother's care & management? It's ridiculous, is what it is, and nobody has the right to do such a thing. The future of your relationship is on the line here, the way I see it. I, for one, would not stand for such a thing. Love is a mutual situation where you each respect the others' feelings; one person does not make huge, life-changing decisions for the other w/o their express approval on the matter. Period.
I sincerely hope you can work this out, that your b/f sees your point of view on this matter, and comes around to getting his mom set up for autonomy in her OWN apartment in a senior living residence. I'm 65 and cannot imagine imposing myself on one of my children and expecting his g/f to take care of me! My God, how entitled is that way of thinking? Not to mention, I treasure my OWN life and my OWN space, you know? What's up with this woman anyway? Not to mention her man-child of a son. :(
He is being a manipulative, selfish jerk thinking he can move his mom into a shared home without your agreement. Then trying to make you out as the bad guy is classical abuser behavior, this should raise your radar about what your future holds.
I would be thankful that he is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you, before you have any legal commitment.
Best of luck.