My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
Having him get a mortgage but not be an owner of the house opens you up to all sorts of problems. He could decide to stop paying one day, and YOU lose all the money you put down as well as your home. That'an insanely bad idea.
Notice I haven't mentioned his mother at all? She's not your problem.
It also fits with Countrymouse's advice (from a different post) for when things are not working:
"Stop. Then Start again".
Do not move in. Find another place to rent. Or if you can afford to purchase on your own do so.
Sign nothing.
He, if he truly loves you and values you will come to the realization that you can not nor should you be caregiver for his mom.
Her financial failings should not impact you nor your boyfriend. She needs the professional help of Debt Relief if she has outstanding debts.
I think you might be wrong in saying she can sell her house. with a Reverse Mortgage she no longer technically owns the house. (I am by no means an expert on this and I am sure others have detailed this) It is possible that you/she needs to consult an attorney.
Bottom line....RUN do not walk from this situation.
I met my now DH when we were 48. We both had elderly but independent mother and 4 adult children between us.
We agreed that there was no way that any of them was allowed to move in. My DH tolerated one of my kids staying for occasonal weekends, but even that was pushing it.
Before you buy property with another person, their needs to be absolute agreement on ALL of this stuff, kids, parents, whatever.
Doesn't it make you wonder if your idea that being a mommy's boy might be a bit off, if every woman runs where she hears this?
You could get an attorney and maybe -delay- the closing on the escrow, stating because your boyfriend's mother will be selling her house and increasing the down payment to $100 K, thereby returning your $35 K to you.
You will need the $35 K for upkeep, remodeling, and taxes.
Does that make any sense to you at all?
No, it makes about as much sense as moving in with your boyfriend, married or unmarried, when he thinks of you as "Selfish". He does think you are selfish?
Or did I read that in another post?
And you think he is lazy?
I can honestly say, in all of my homes, every time an elder visited me, be it my own parents or an in law, they have NEVER stayed in MY bedroom; they have stayed in the guest bedroom where all guests should stay. If my DH called me 'selfish' for having that rule in our home, I'd say he was gaslighting me, to be honest: trying to make me feel like I was the crazy one for wanting to sleep in my own room! Just another red flag here, huh Send?
Even if mom sells her house you can guarantee that this selfish spend thrift senior will be broke in a year and sonny boy will have to step up to pay moms bills.
Not to mention OP is preparing for not being able to earn an income because of her own disabilities. So she will be at mercy of what boyfriends wants to do. If he stops paying the mortgage she could lose the house and her 35,000 deposit alobg with it.
What a nightmare instead of what should be a happy time in getting a home and starting a life together.
as I say LOOK DOWN THE LONG ROAD….
for you , I would RUN . This man should be putting you first And looking down that road , I don’t see that …
moms home is the nest egg , but who’s nest egg? Mom or sons …thru inheritance….. moms home should be used for moms care at AL…
Do you really believe, after you make the $35,000 downpayment he will really make the mortgage payments? I don't! Before you dig yourself into such a deep pit there's no escaping, pack up and leave! If the sale of the house is finalized, and your name in on the mortgage, see a lawyer and make him return your 35K...if not, run, cancel the sale, even if you lose some money.
NO man is worth this.
You can eventually buy a house by yourself, or with a husband. Not a boyfriend. This won't end well.
I am promoting you today.
NotaslavetoMILorBF
Your gut feelings is right. We can go into all the why's here if you like. IF you think it worth having a rational discussion - here they are;
1. MIL got old & needs help/aides/housing whatever..
2. BF thinks a Good Son must SAVE his Mom.
3. He feels a hero being THE GOOD SON.
4. So he decides to move her in. Like that will fix ALL her health, aging, whatever...
Any action he chooses is for HIMSELF - he CANNOT choose for you.
Rational discussion can help.
Couple councelling can help.
Taking a different ACTION can help.
Say NO as loud as you need to. 🤚
If he doesn't hear you, write it down. Then have a lawyer say NO.
Or say no with your actions. Walk out👢👢
Stop the house purchase. Get back your funds.
Walk.
You could see an attorney, write up a contract and make the $35 K a second mortgage loan, payable to you as your separate property upon sale of the house. This contract should go through escrow.
Otherwise, if co-mingling funds with your boyfriend or spouse, when you separate or divorce, or just sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50, you could lose all or part of your initial investment.
Say, for example, house proceeds net $235 K. You get $117,500.
He gets $117,500. He receives the same as you do without any down payment. What if you sell it in 2-3 months? He has invested nothing but rent to get 1/2 of your down payment. Quite a gamble.
Yes, do look up "Grifters". There is a dark movie (old) by the same name. Family even scams family, and it involves murder.
This is an unhealthy dynamic. And it betrays the relationship.
It can be used (even if unintentionally) to inform you how things will be without actually telling you. It can get you upset, cause you to fight. Set you up to take on a responsibility that is not yours. Set you up to express his anger (towards his mom) for him.
Walk away when he is on the phone to her. Even if he is in the kitchen cooking with you. Turn off the stove and walk away. Do not share what little time the two of you have together with his mom. He can leave the bedroom if she calls while you both are in bed. Or you can leave.
Since I have done this, I have much more peace not knowing what dH's mother is doing. And he never tells me. Dh still tries to bring me in on it, I keep my boundaries up. I have been grifter-proofed by caring therapist(s).
It is not easy to need to keep your guard up in any relationship.
If you need to improve your relationship, start there.
Maybe it is what narcissists do.
Please understand being selfish is not a bad thing, if he feels you are selfish that is fine. You have every right to be selfish within your home and therefore space.
On a side note let us not have another thread get locked due to fighting. Multi-Generational Living seems to raise the temperature of the board. Not going to question the intention behind the boyfriend, it is noble. The thing you have to explain to him is the third room was never intended for that use, and had you known that was going the purpose of the room you never would have invested in the property end of story. Be clear and concise with him that having her stay with you even as an emergency is not acceptable. It is his mother you have no responsibility towards her, and if that is an issue he is free to leave.
From all that you described, it sounds very complicated - with many unsettled issues. I truly feel that going forward the way things are is asking for a huge mistake ...and it only gets harder once the closing is finalized. Please see this as a "red flag" and be grateful that you have some time to take a breath and reconsider your plans.
Firstly, the fact that you said that your boyfriend is an "equal owner" on the onset when you're paying the entire down payment and it would take him a lot of mortgage payments to even reach that amount is already skewed and unbalanced. And now his mother coming into this - and her living arrangement hanging in limbo....I think you can see where this is going....many arguments between you and your boyfriend, aggravation....instability...it's a set-up for failure unfortunately.
If your boyfriend cannot arrange alternate living plans for his mom in advance of the closing, then I suggest taking a step back and perhaps cancel the closing (if you're unable to get a mortgage yourself). This isn't the right time and if your boyfriend wants to live with his mom, then I think he needs to find a place for them himself. He shouldn't have it both ways - and standing firm and doing what is best for you will benefit you in the end and bring you peace of mind. Wishing you the best of good wishes ~
I have also been tempted to fire off an immediate response to a post, but force myself to wait so that I don't inadvertently offend someone asking for help. I appreciate you all and have been helped by many of your words. My goal now that I've lost my parents is to try to help others. Thank you for reading.
up like this and I can’t just say ok, whatever you want, I need to have my concerns heard and understood and work out a compromise. I was trying to find a better way to say I don’t want your mom living with us and not sound selfish, which I really am not, I just know from experience that he doesn’t have, that taking care of my dad after his stroke and his passing that it literally destroyed me emotionally and physically and I was trying to explain that I can’t do that again, especially for his mother (whom I don t know any better than the dentist), when I have my own mother and children to be responsible for. He just keeps saying he wasn’t asking me
to take care of her, but I can’t make him understand that the time will come when she will need care and if she’s in our house I can’t ignore that and he knows in the back of his mind that oh, My GF will take care of her because she’s my mom and I work and she’s there anyways. I feel
like he’s thinking once his mom is here I can’t refuse without being a total B!&$@ of a human and he knows I’m not. I wanted to make sure he understood that we needed to plan for every way to make that not something that needs to happen until it’s an absolute emergency, last resort, that she moves in, and that I still will not and can not be her caretaker. Period!
Now while MIL's finances are not my business (it is in fact only MIL's), I'd still like to comment.
Firstly, is 20-25K a year on food, living, home maintenance reasonable where you live? (It would be where I live).
But whether her funds were squandered irresponsibly (gambled, supported a luxury lifestyle etc) or responsibly, (merely to meet her bills) - if BF wants to help his Mom, financially, it can be to point her to the nearest elder advisory service & financial advice.
Saying 'come live with me' could be a throw away line. Not thought out at all.
PS by the way, do you suspect MIL spends her money on supporting her adult children??
wirh it and says I know more about the process so I have been the go to for the whole process so he’s not up
to anything with that. The realtor was my choice and he didn’t even see the house before we made an offer. As for my back, it’s an old, long standing injury that I’ve lived with and medicated, had procedures and therapy for over the past 30 years. I’m well aware that caring for his mom would destroy what I’ve worked so hard to prevent from
happening and that’s further injury or worsening of my currently somewhat better back health. That’s why I’m so worried about him forcing her care on me for
even a temporary basis because I know it only takes me trying to help
her out of a chair to tweak my back and then he’ll have to help me as well as her and my kid when I can’t walk upright. And I am very thankful for the constructive advise, that why I posted my concerns. I’m sorry if I haven’t said that before.
Just FYI. an escrow company, upon receiving different escrow instructions from the new owners, will have to legally put a hold on the closing.
You both are not using an above board mortgage company, are you?
Have you gone to all the meetings with your boyfriend?
This cannot be right!
he is a grifter or scamming me. He doesn’t know about 70% of what all this house buying has entailed, he has entrusted it all
to me and just agreed and signed stuff he didn’t even read at times. I trust his character morally and ethically. My issue is that he is blinded by emotion for his moms situation and he is not taking everyone’s interests into account when offering his mom a place to live for free for a permanent solution without consulting me first. He’s thoughtless and reacts instead of thinking first in stressful
situations, especially about his mom. I just don’t want to be stuck living and caring for his mom for ten years because he didn’t think it through or ask if it was ok first before letting her think she was moving in. Thank you for all the care and concerned messages but if feel things have gotten off topic and morphed into other problems
im not concerned with. I see all the sides and understand and agree with a lot of the stuff people have brought up but my main concern was the just simply not being consulted first, the caregiving aspect that he didn’t understand was a part of it whether he thinks it is or not, and the fact that I did discuss and he did agree to me paying for the 3 bedroom to use for my daughter if she needed it TEMPORARILY and him basically giving it away to his mom without asking or paying for it essentially.
You don't have to lose your boyfriend over this.
Home buying is very stressful, and you don't really have all your ducks in a row yet.
Have you considered, with your back pain-that some treatments are not covered by insurance, and the expense of some treatments (say for example,
Prolia injections) @ approximately $2500 per injection will go through your $35 K quickly?
I never meant to get this drawn in by answering your question, but feel you are making at the very least, a financial mistake. People who are trying to help you are feeling for your situation. It also feels more urgent due to the time limit on your escrow. BTW, an escrow that you are not really a part of-on the title/deed.
This really worries me.
If the loan is secured on the house, YOU will suffer the consequences of missed payments because the loan provider will own the house. That's what a mortgage is.
Wait until the dust settles and he finds a living arrangement for his mother - and perhaps he needs to be more involved in her finances going forward.
There will be other houses and opportunities when the timing is right and the stars are more aligned for this to happen - otherwise owning a home under the wrong circumstances will feel more like a burden than an advantage.
Basically the lender has to agree to having OP added to the deed. This can be done before closing because the OP can have her name on the deed and not rhe actual mortgage payments. If lender wont agree to this before closing they probably won't agree to it after closing. What will OP do if she finds out she can't do a quitclaim and be added to the deed?
“You deserve an equal partnership with the mate you choose in life, where your voice is equally heard and considered before all decisions are made.”
I said almost the same
thing you wrote verbatim tonight before reading this. I insisted we talk about what options were feasible for his mother and her situation and I had what I think was an awesome idea that he seemed offended that I was thinking of ways to make her stay out of our house, which duh! He asked what my real issue was with not wanting his mother to live with us.
i said you have a responsibility to her but that doesn’t mean I do by proxy. I think she should be responsible for her actions and he is responsible for her choices and care when she needs it. I said my issue is that I don’t like being told that I’m selfish because I don’t want to take care of your responsibilities for you when you are pawning your “precious” mothers care off on me. That is the most disrespectful thing I think a son can do to his mother and his partner. I would never ask him to care for my mother or support her, especially as my BF, and the fact that he can’t understand that I know what this situation is going to turn into when she gets further along in disability is just ignorant. I’ve been through it already and I work with elderly people as my job. I said he is just putting his head in the sand and ignoring his responsibility to her and what’s best for her because he doesn’t want to deal with it, because it’s “too stressful” for him, (in his words) so not to tell me I’m selfish or disrespectful because I owe her nothing and she’s a stranger to me. And the mere thought of her living here, even if I don’t have to care for her yet stresses me out so much Ive felt sick the past couple days worrying about it and haven’t slept and you don’t care that im
Stressing and I’m the only one trying to find her the best care and solution to her problems so I am being more respectful to her in my opinion. I said what have you come up with and he said again, he didn’t want to think about it, and I said I don’t have that luxury because her living here would make me homeless and I’m not letting someone run me out of my own home, so I’m trying to be the responsible one, up to the point of finding a better solution than her living here and me ending up being her sole caregiver because you aren’t home to do it. So my idea was to have her rent her house, she could get $2200 a month easy and make it the renters responsibility to mow the yard that costs her $100/wk in the summer and that, plus her SS and pension would be more than enough to support her even without selling her house. She could sell when she was ready and just live comfortably on the renters dime. She could even keep all her furniture for now and store most of it and then rent a smaller, one level, more manageable safer home. She could also sell the 30-40k car she bought and get a lower payment for an older car and save another $200 that way. He was still only aggravated that I’d put so much thought into her “not” living here that he couldnt even be open minded about the idea. All he said afterwards was that she wouldn’t go for being a landlord or storing her furniture. I said then she can stay in her house and eat can tuna because she not living in our house rent free , making me her caregiver for free if she can’t do something to help herself out of the mess she created. She has to take responsibility for her circumstance and I’m not giving her the room I paid for to have my daughter live in if she needs it for someone who won’t do their part to help themselves. He was speechless and left the room, I was almost smiling when he left cause for him that means he heard it and he’s embarrassed that he finally got it and he’ll probably apologize before I’m asleep. Not that it makes up for his behavior, but to really truly be heard and understood is what I wanted more than anything, whether it changes his outlook or not.
You need your own lawyer.
Please read this. A quit claim deed does not carry any guarantee that the grantor actually owns the property.
So....he could get the deed, sell the house to his mother the next day and quit claim it 30 days later, making you believe that you are now on the deed.
Except you're not.
Or, he could quit claim it to his mom. And then to you. Meaning now she's on the deed.
And there is NO RECOURSE. Because a quit claim deed is NOT a warranty deed.
Grifters...
Hey I get having a man that won't look at houses (considers that shopping) & won't much look at finances. Luckily I am happy to do both! My man probably has the genes to stalk & kill prey. But not cave finding or berry picking..
You are getting your house. Tick. You are getting your name on the deed for your money. Tick. The man knows your position regarding MIL care. Tick. High 5!
You have made your boundary clear. That's GREAT. That's within the boundaries lof what you can do. Maybe the man gets it.. Maybe he hears you but doesn't get it yet.. no matter. It's clear.
The was an amazing poster named Dorker who battled for years with her lovely DH over MIL care. He just wanted *family* to save her/serve her. Regardless of her bad decisions on reverse mortgages, firing help or whatever. He had been trained long & hard to be The Good Son. He kept on about their spare bedroom.. 'the yellow bedroom'.. oh couldn't she just move in?... *family* can care for her.
Family being: all adult kids left home, he worked 6 long houred days a week so that only left Dorker, who worked part-time & babysat for the Grands. Just as you said, he thought HIM wanting to help was some some of proxy or her.
Why are some folk so thick on this she asked? We asked? I ask now!
F.O.G Fear Obligation Guilt
Fear of saying no to Mom. Obligation The Good Son has to help/save. Guilt if he doesn't.
Once that FOG clears - hopefully he can see. It's simple really - You spend your money Mom - you deal with it.
and that she was essentially stealing the room from me, and that her son was not paying for this house on his own, that’s it’s actually mine as well, she wouldn’t be so ready to accept the invitation from her son, fake or real. I am very disappointed to find out that renting her house may not be possible due to the reverse mortgage issues. I will look into that because my BF really thinks she will
refuse to sell anytime soon and that would mean she needs to be financially supported and he thinks the best way to do that is save money by her living here and that’s not going to save my sanity!