My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
Do you have the funds to close?
Do you know what the charge for the quit claim deed will be?
Did you have the home inspected?
We HAD an inspection. But inspections don't include the sewer lines that run to the street. Yup, ours broke a couple of months after we moved in. Cost us $1800. In 1980. Probably 10K these days.
This is from a site called consumer-action.org
"Before You Add Someone To Your Title
There are just a few valid reasons to amend your homeownership by adding another person’s name to the title to your home. This is also called transferring title. If you transfer all or part of your ownership to another person, you lose control.
Legitimate reasons to amend your home’s title:
You wish to add your spouse to the title.
You are selling the property.
You are borrowing against your home equity and you are required to amend your title to give the lender a security interest in your property.
You could lose your rights if you add someone to your title under the following circumstances:
Allowing someone to “hold” the deed temporarily.
Adding a person other than a spouse or child to the title can result in higher property taxes.
A deedholder (even one who holds only a percentage of the property) can take out mortgages and loans, tear down your house or sell the property.
A deed transfer may trigger a full payment on your mortgage."
Will you be added to the title as Joint tenant in entirety, Joint tenant with right of survivorship? There are several ways titles to be shared. Please find out what the implications of each are.
https://www.investopedia.com/articles/mortgages-real-estate/08/title-ownership-property.asp
There's a site called www.bogleheads.org that has great financial information and advice.
Run far away from this whole set up. You are in a trance. It happens. Wake up.
Your boyfriend feels responsible to help his mother.
He sees two ways to do that: 1. Pay for her housing/living expenses or 2. Move her into his space.
He does not consider you a factor in this equation.
This is the definition of "being used".
We have heard of the concept " A man is not a financial plan", right? MIL hasn't..
I've met older ladies who indeed had that plan. Husband died? They look to their son.
I don't know if it's too late for you to back out of buying property with him. I hope it's not.
This situation is not going to work out for the best even if his mother never gets to the point where she needs care. What will happen is you will be competing with mom for your man's attention and affection. I hate to lay it on you, but if he put you on the floor so mommy could have the bed on the vacation I'm sure you paid your share for, he will always choose mom.
If she should get dementia or need caregiving, that will fall on you by default for two reasons.
1) You're a woman and women always get the drudgery and grunt work that is elder caregiving settled on them like a yoke.
2) You're in a relationship with her son. Even if you don't get married she's still your de-facto MIL, and they will both think you owe her.
This is a woman who blew through 100 grand in a few years. What was the reason for that? Did she have no other income to live on? Was it very high medical expenses? Or does she just like to spend money and figured her son would take care of her after the money runs out?
Unless you can get it in legal writing that your man's mother will not be moving into your new home, back out of buying the place. If you can't back out then never forget that it's also your house and you will not allow her to move in. Then the ball is in your boyfriend's court. It sounds mighty likely to me after reading the comments, that your boyfriend will burn you when it comes time to put your name on the deed of the house.
You cannot allow this. The moment your money gets accepted is when your name goes on that house, understand?
You're not married to him and your reasons are your own for that. If you were you would have legal rights.
You are either totally insane or completely desperate to buy this house without being on the mortgage and title putting 35k down. Or should I say giving your BF 35k to buy a house because you aren't buying anything as the deal goes.
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!
Believing that he will add her name through a quit claim deed, on a mortgaged house, sometimes down the road.
First, do not buy that house with your BF. Refuse to sign and get your money back.
Second, do not marry this guy. He's disrespectful to you by already telling you how it's going to be without any consideration to you.
Third, by buying the house and marrying this guy, his mom's care will come down to you cause he's already wrapped up in his head you know how to be a caregiver and you'll do it for him.
Fourth I'm seeing so many red flags in your situation, I'm not understanding why you don't.
Fifth, if you go through with this fiasco, you've only got yourself to blame.
Sixth, think of yourself first in this situation because it's obvious you're boyfriend doesn't give a hoot about you or you wouldn't be telling us your story.
Good luck, stay strong and DON'T GIVE IN!
You are a grownup and you have all the facts. If you DON'T have the facts you can avail yourself of a real estate attorney, a trust and estate attorney or a general attorney to GET the facts. Your realtor is your guide. If they misinform you (get it in writing) there goes their license to practice. RealyReal says below that one of your updates said that you will not be on the deed. I don't think that's possible because I don't believe anyone is that clueless, but quite honestly I haven't followed ever piece of new information drop by drop. If that IS the case--if you put in 35,000 on a home you will not be buying, not be on the deed of--then add a good psychologist to the above experts. (Sorry, I get more blunt as the answers pile up, and was never one to believe we always have to be kind; some OPs need to be awakened and kind just doesn't do that; I am more a tough love type).
It sounds to me in general like there are really nebulous rules, little understanding, and lots of argument about lots of things going here. You have known this person since childhood, but there has been no agreement about marriage or really melding lives.
As I said, be certain you and your money are LEGALLY protected, stop arguing things, and when you don't like outcomes, sell that house. As long as you are on the deed (and NOT married) you can force a sale even if both your names are on the deed. I think in your case it is a very lucky thing you aren't married.
Sure wish you good luck. Any time I see a thread on Forum that goes over 60 answers I know we are either bickering with one another or in some very muddy waters, indeed. Seems a case of muddy waters here. We all live with different senses of "order" in our lives; that's fine.
Sounds like a lot of issues that may come home to roost, whether grown kids or aged Moms. The bright side to that is that you won't be bored! Good luck.
He has already started a deal breaker argument, I don't think he will sign anything. Then it is on her to pursue the refund legally.
He'll tell her mommy is moving in, like it or lump it. Of course, she won't be able to do anything because she has given him her nest egg.
I agree with adult children living in. Time to put on their big girl and boy undies. It, also, makes it really hard to say no to his family members without coming across as a tw...
Muddy waters indeed.
This will not work you are best going your separate ways using that 35k to get yourself a nice apartment.
As for your actual question, convincing your boyfriend that Mom should not move in, you are correct that he does not understand how difficult it will be. He seems to be acting from emotions and a sense of responsibility, not reality. You want him to learn from what you went through taking care of your dad, and you say you'd do it again for your dad. You won't do it for his mother. You are clear on that because you know what it involves. But you must understand that he feels the way about his mom that you felt for your dad. He does not understand because he has not experienced it yet.
What you can do is help him find another solution. She says she'd like to live closer to him. Believe that, instead of going off on how she won't see the grandkids, and get her to sell her house and find a care home for her close to you, or rather to her son, as you don't seem to have a good relationship with her. That way he can be involved in her care by visiting and making sure she has what she needs, manage her finances for her, but still work at his job. Try to make it clear to him that the two of you do not need to provide for his mom financially by sacrificing part of your home and all that you work hard for.
I don’t know her any better than my grocery checker, we don’t have any type of relationship, good bad or otherwise, she is a stranger to me. I don’t dislike her at all, I just don not
want to end up caring for her 24/7 when she is permanently forced upon me without my consent because she is living in my home. He didn’t think ahead about what her living here would mean for ME because it’s his mommy and he thinks she will just take care of herself like she always has, but she’s 84 and from what I’ve seen and heard. she is on the verge of becoming very immobile and that is a HUGE problem since she will
be in a room downstairs, with me unable to help her even transfer from a chair to standing, much less up stairs, on and off the toilet, in and out of the shower, in and out of bed and so on. I can’t physically even help her stand up without hurting myself so I am terrified for her to live here, because when all is said and done, I would hurt myself to help her if she needed it, I can’t neglect her, it’s not in my character and he knows that and I’m scared he’s going to take advantage of that, or simply take it for granted that I’ll make it work out like I’m know n to do. I’m trying to protect myself, before it’s too late. She tripped beside me the second time I saw her and i instinctively grabbed her before she fell off the sidewalk on a short 10 foot walk and then I had to lay down with a muscle relaxer and ice pack on my back for the next two days in a room by myself while my BF and his kids and her went out and about the whole time and I had no help or food in the house because it was a rental for the week. I had to call my BF by dinner time the first day and ask if they were coming back for dinner and they were already eating out somewhere without a thought about the person who saved grandma from falling in the road the day before, she s fine and I’m just being a baby laying in bed all day is the vibe i got from them. My BF apologized profusely and said he forgot there wasn’t anything in the house to eat and he thought I’d be asleep and didn’t want to wake me but gone for 8 hours and nobody is checking on me, I’m not going to get any consideration for when I am left to care for his mom all
day when I can’t physically be helping her do anything. I know where I’ll be if she moves in, having surgery to fuse my discs in my lower back that I’ve tried for 30 years to avoid. And who is going to take care of me and my son then, not his 84 yo mother and not him because he can’t stay home to care for his mother, he certainly cant
do it for me, I understand someone has to make the money to pay for the house and everything, but that’s why I don’t want to injure myself for her care, then he’d have two disabled women in his hands. He just doesn’t plan ahead or think things through and it makes me come off as selfish because I say I’m not taking care of your mom because I know immediately all
that that entails having done it before and I have told him
what it did to my mental
and physical health and he still
just says “but im not asking you to take care of her, she doesn’t need help now and I’ll take care of her” but that is an empty promise because he can’t quit his job to do it 24/7, he can’t afford to take her bills on and pay for someone to come to the house and take care of her all day, and he will expect me to do it when the 💰is gone
I can't imagine BF would want a grown daughter who can't get life together squatting with you. The fact that you even think she might ever is like him saying mom can stay temporarily. You are both being solutions to people who should have figured it out on their own but aren't.
Don't do the closing and find some other way to provide some place for your daughter. Better yet tell her she's a grownup now and her housing will no longer be your problem no matter what.
point and i needed to always have a room available for that. I discussed and he agreed to this long before he ever even came to live with me in the house we rent now and he was completely on board. His mother has never been addressed as an issue or discussed as being a possibility of having to live with us at any point until
last week. And I was not asked if it was ok, the subject was not discussed and no compromise or consideration of my needs or feelings about it were heard.
As soon as he told me her situation I have offered to stop the sale of the house because I thought he needed to take care of her and her financial issues and not also have me and a mortgage on his plate. I said you should find a place to live with her that’s one floor and accessible to her needs and you could have some
one care for her while
youre at work. But he said he refuses to put our lives on hold for her, which is not a mommas boy attitude, but he won’t tell her that she needs to sell her home and pay for her own mistakes until
she can’t any longer (and then and only then will he start supporting her financially) because he doesn’t want to upset her or go against what she wants. (Which is where his mommas boy attitude comes back.) Somehow I’m the bad guy for even offering to give up the house so he can take care of her because I’m not wanting to have her in my home. But who wants a MIL living with them hemestly, not many. And especially when their care and financial issues are going to affect you and your health and prevent you from caring for your own obligations.
They're buying a new, bigger house that they will ALL fit into. The happy couple, my sister's 38 y/o daughter & her daughter, the guy's mother, all of them. My sister told him she comes as a package deal with her DD & the granddaughter, and he told her that HE comes as a package deal with his mother. They both agreed to the dysfunctional arrangement, so to THEM it's not 'dysfunctional.' As much as I tried to convince my sister SHE will be the one to care for his mother when she gets sick or develops dementia, she doesn't care and/or won't listen.
Maybe such an arrangement is what you need OP; that the two of you come as a package deal with your daughter & his mother thrown in. Such a thing would not work for ME, but that's ME. Maybe it would work for YOU; where both of you make compromises for one another. What do you think?
NOW we find out that the OP has a daughter who is disabled with a heart issue and that the OP will be "caring for her for life" and that this is what she wishes to do, and it is a "joy" to her.
So I imagine the boyfriend has as much a call on the home for his MOM, who is likely HIS joy and privilege to care for for the rest of HER life.
I have finally been gaslighted by this post, with its closing in on 100 responses, that I am personally out.
The sounds like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY to me, and I wish them godspeed and the very best in the future. Live happy. Stop arguing. And may loving trust guide the way.
with. No one has the right to volunteer you for a life of servitude.
him to say and not ask me, that he’s going to permanently move his mom into the room and make me take care of her 24/7. He doesn’t want to take care of her, physically, actually doing the work, he just wants to throw money or someone else at the problem and let them solve it for him, that’s what I mean by lazy. If he was going to be caring, physically, for his mom 24/7 I wouldn’t be upset and posting my concerns. He is not going to do that, hes admitted he can’t, he has to work, but he won’t admit that he will end up expecting me to do it FOR HIM. I know this will happen and I’m trying to find a way to help
his mom so she doesn’t need to live here, he’s not doing anything but sticking his head in the sand and waiting till there is no option, no where to place her, and then he knows ill
have no choice but to have her here and I’ll hurt myself trying to take care of her FOR HIM and I refuse to debilitate myself for HIS mom and his responsibility, at my expense! While my daughter if she needs help won’t get any because I’m taking care of HIS responsibilities. He doesn’t even want his mother here, he just doesn’t want to deal with her so he’s essentially passing her off to me and I don’t want her on my plate and that’s not him being a hero or good son in my opinion.
My guess he is the one paying the mortgage since it will be in his name and if so that is how he would be "caring" for your grown adult. You cannot expect him to understand why you will have an issue if he has to accept a grown adult child leaving within the shared home.
OK. Have you told your BF that you just WON'T be the caregiver? That she is basically an unpaid tenant that you won't be checking in on?
we are-even with our money investments and what each is going to contribute. I have repeatedly told him I can’t abs won’t take care of his mom for him and he doesn’t understand that without me taking care of her she can’t live here, it makes no sense, if she can’t walk up stairs to get to the kitchen or front door she needs to be elsewhere. She will fall and be bed bound and then that will be another problem all together. Not to mention she even needs help getting up from
a chair at this point and I can’t help her do that either, she can’t sit in pee all day and not eat with access to the kitchen unless I’m home.
Until you close, you are NOT completely committed to the situation. Although
there will be a cost associated with it.
Were you simply asking for validation that you're right and he's wrong?
Or does that still small voice in the back of your head tell you that this is a terrible idea?
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
I would take that down payment money and get myself training for a job that doesn't hurt my back.
I also wouldn't buy a home in middle age that wasn't on one level; buying and selling property involves transaction costs. I would be looking for a one level home, especially if I had a bad back.
Frankly, you sound like a couple of sqabbling teen-agers. I hope that you can find some peace and a less emotionally fraught relationship in the future.
Therapy can help.
If your boyfriend won't listen to what you want now what does the future look like to you? Think about it.
"Actually he did apologize when he got home tonight. For not being honest about the fact that he did expect me to take “physical care” of his mother! He said he was offended that I didn’t offer to be her caregiver since I had done it for my dad years ago and he just assumed I’d offer because it’s his mom. I told him that with my back injury I had no way to do that and I assumed he knew that and was still telling me that he thought I had to do it anyway because he was going to move her in without asking. He also apologized for not asking me first and for going back on our agreement that I had paid for that extra room and it wasn’t his to give away without consulting me, end of story. He agreed his mom needs to take care of her own financial mistakes for now and sell her house or he won’t help her with her financial mess in the future. He said he realizes he was enabling her to keep misusing her budget by bailing her out and offering to take care of it for her without holding her accountable and letting her get herself out of this mess by selling her house, which she has refused to do out of pride he says. Apparently she feels it’s giving up to sell but she can’t keep it and still live on his dime. He is going to take out his 401k to match my down payment and add it to closing so we are exactly even Steven going forward and we each pay our own respective bills as we planned and half the mortgage each. We both agreed that If his mother needs to move in when she becomes disabled enough to need care it will only be temporary until she finds a faculty to help her and she will pay for her care out of her own pocket from
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!"
I agree 💯 and I’m going to put her on lists for facilities myself, here and there, so if he doesn’t get around to it I’ll be covered. In the small town where she lives, you can be on lists for over a year and still no openings will show up, I’m not playing around with this one so I’m starting now. They wont have that as an excuse
come time for her to need one. I put my dad on a couple of lists there and I never got a call about a vacancy until after he had already passed away a year later. I’m more proactive about getting her into a facility obviously, since I dont want her to ever have to live here and have to care for her. So if they get mad I did their job for them I don’t really care because if they don’t do
it, then they lied about handling it themselves like he said he would. Either way she won’t be living here unless it to wait a couple months for her spot to open up here. I had to make a compromise and that was it. Fingers crossed!
Borrowing against the 401k might be a better idea as it does not create a taxable event.
Good luck.
When you marry him, how will things change? Are you counting on him to change? And why would you marry him? What's in it for you? For him? When you marry someone, you (willingly or not) marry his family.
You really need to make a PLUS and MINUS sheet. List the good things about this relationship on one side, and the negative things on the other side. Then weigh the two sides and make a more informed decision.
It sounds to me like you are in love with being in love. This too shall pass. You don't need him nearly as much as he needs you!