My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
1) A relationship problem with a man who is dictating the future of YOUR life.
2) A financial problem when and if this all goes pear-shaped, you lose the money you have saved so far, and end up with a large debt on a foreclosed mortgage.
1) Go together for relationship counseling. Talking to a neutral third party should at least make you more aware of how deep the BF’s ‘decisions’ go.
2) See a lawyer about the property financial arrangements. The comments here about the risks are probably correct, but you will get a clearer picture (and take more notice) with legal advice.
Move ASAP on this. Postpone closing on the house. You are not forced to go ahead, and the damages from backing out may be far less than the financial risks you run if you get further into this. It’s very hard emotionally to change your mind, but it really is important here.
Best wishes, Margaret
to anyone else who is keeping op with this thread…..
I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long but for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended.
Your son gives up the privilege of having the whole downstairs by himself. From now on he's in that third bedroom upstairs and she's down there. Make it clear he has to pay for aides to lift her, toilet her and entertain her. You will not have anything to do with her whatsoever.
Meanwhile, you can expect the same attitude for your own offspring. The 15-year-old is to be informed that on his 18th birthday or high school graduation, whichever comes last, he is to vacate the room so that you can have it for either Yhim or this daughter when she has palpitations.
If this sounds ludicrous, it is on both sides. You made it clear you don't care for MIL even beyond having to do the caregiving; you don't want to have a "family" relationship with his dependent. Yet you have injected at least one and want to make room for up to two and he's supposed to be fine with it.
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Please get your boyfriend to see a counsellor with you about his mom and her health issues. If you can't support his decision to allow his mom to move in with you, you will probably have problems supporting his other decisions in your - hopefully soon - marriage.
the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms are both downstairs, my son doesn’t have the bottom floor all to himself and he would be sharing the bathroom with her as well. And my BF is MORE than welcome to have all 3 of his kids live here and that is what we AGREED to before moving in together and before buying this house. He doesn’t support me or my son financially and if people would read everything that has been posted before going off on me then you would know this makes no sense. My issue is that I can’t and won’t take care of his 84 yo mother because I PHYSICALLY CANT and it’s not my responsibility to just because he wanted to move her in our house without consulting me and expect me to take care of her when she’s too much for me to handle and not my responsibility. I take care of my kid, I take care of myself, I pay for myself and my kid. I paid for the down payment and he was only going to make the mortgage payments for the new house for the next 2 years to bring us even with our monetary contribution to the house. He doesn’t own me or my time simply because I’m his GF and live in the same house. The point is that caring for a adult that’s going to be immobile soon is not easy or anywhere near the same as living with and caring for children that are all in high school. His moms care is not responsibility and if he wants to physically and financially take care of her, he can, howeve, he makes that happen, whether with money or by staying home and taking care of her himself. But it’s not my job simply because I’m a women and I’m home partime. I have my own back issues and I can’t physically help her out of a chair, much less anything else. My child doesn’t need that kind of physical care and neither do his children (who could all live here and camp out in the basement for all I care.) But his mother is a different story. She does have money to stay elsewhere, if he’d make or convince her that she had to use it basically because he won’t pay for her stuff when she has the funds to do so. . She could stay in a facility that would care for her safely and she doesn’t need to just be tossed onto my plate as a new job. He WAS very naively, just assuming that I could take care of all her needs, not realizing or thinking through what they were and how long she’d need to be cared for. But he has never even been around elderly people before and has no idea what it takes. He realizes NOW that it’s too much for me, not my responsibility and not just an easy way to solve his moms problems with money. when all he needs to do is just plan for her care somewhere else. What I hear you saying is that if I worked full time and he didn’t, but he had an injury and was home all day because he couldn’t work, (but he paid for all his bills and I wasn’t supporting him in any way) , that I too should be able to say, hey, my mom can’t take care of herself and she spent all her saving and won’t use the money she has to support herself, so now you have to take care of MY MOM 24-7 cause I’m moving her into the room downstairs that she can’t walk up from by herself….you have to help her with bathing, toileting, walking and she’s twice your size, OH and I don’t care what you think, you live here so just do it?
Not in any world is that ok. He is not my servant and I am not his. He has his responsibilities and I have mine and no one can dictate what you do 24/7z
Just ignore anyone who is judging your relationship, which you are obviously capable of dealing with yourself. The family arrangements with BF are unusual, but you both are using your own knowledge, your own principles, and appropriate professional assistance, to sort it out and keep it safe. Stick to it! Yours, Margaret
Also, let me say this - don't move in with someone you're not married to!! It's not a good thing for you, your kids, him, or his kids. My objective opinion is that you have a whole host of problems and aggravations with him & the entire situation and you haven't even moved in together yet. If you are not on the same page now (financially, parenting style, major decisions about his mother) it's only going to get worse down the road.
Save yourself the grief, keep your money and put it on a house for just for your kids. Or continue to rent He can visit whenever the wants!
Also, what is his financial situation? Why is he not splitting the down payment with you? Agreeing to pay the mortgage payments and actually doing so are two different things. If you do end up moving in with this guy I certainly would not put the house in both of your names. Not without being married.
No judgment here, just looking out for you as I see this as a train wreck in the making.
Your position in this situation is the polar opposite of most. The OP has clearly stated she can not physically care for her BF's mother no matter what level of the house she is on. There is no warmth between the two. The mother requires care. How do you know the son will figure it all out when more care is needed? He has shown alot of behavior that is far from ideal in many ways including their relationship meaning that of the OP and himself. It seems far from ideal now. How is moving his mother in going to help any of that. The mother chose to take a reverse mortgage and then spent the money unwisely. SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING HER CARETAKER. Why do you state that as a possibility?
She has been fortunate to receive the advice of so many. I am not including myself. The overwhelming opinions have been for her to not move forward financially, emotionally and realistically with the purchase of this house with all the circumstances involved.
my mil was upset with that and took me off her will. Okay, I was upset by that, but it would have been far worse having her live with me.
your boyfriend has no idea what it’s like caring to a elderly person. You need to be happy too.
Prayers that you don't get involved with him in this house because its not worth it. If he hasn't put anything to the down payment you are going to lose in the long run because in the end he may have paid more than your down payment and if that happens it sounds like he will use it against you.
MY ADVICE IS DON'T MOVE IN CANCEL BUYING THE HOUSE.
Can he move in with her? And pay her mortgage? Just a thought.
Hold on to your money for you and your son.
Best wishes
Please reconsider the situation, the relationship, and realize you are not his priority. You will be a caretaker until you've had enough and leave, without $35,000 to provide for you and your son's welfare. Your son should be your priority, not a boyfriend looking to gain a babysitter for his mother and a roof over his head. If you must go ahead with the home purchase, put the brake on his moving in. Let him rent an apartment and assume the responsibility for his mother. That will be the only way he will learn the immense requirements, physically and financially. You need to gain clarity on this situation, which is doomed to fail. Stop defending yourself and raise your standards! You and your son deserve better.
if things are tough now wait a few years into this
If it were me, I would focus on getting a place that could accommodate me and my children. Sounds like he needs to get a place to accommodate him and his mother.
Tell him you're backing out of buying the home because this is not the direction you want to go.
Please help yourself or you may find yourself divorced again down the line. You need someone who will work side by side with you, not someone who can walk on you. Didn't mean to get so personal, but many of us older ladies have been there done that and wish we could redo some of our lifechanging mistakes. Another thing....without marriage, you have NOTHING financial to lean on if it all falls apart. He can walk away anytime, sell the house and gain. You stand to do nothing but lose in this situation. Make your child your priority. Good luck and please find a confidant to help you.
If you had a dear friend who wrote a post like yours, what would you tell that friend? Be a friend to yourself and be thankful this came to light before your closing date.
Good Luck.
Please take my advice and keep everything you own separately from this relationship before you marry him this way you are going to save yourself from further anguish down the line.
The reality is that without your money and time, he could not do this. This is not the life you want, so don't step right into it.
He's not listening to you.
You don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want this. Look how much stress you already have over it.
This is how he handles a complex situation. He doesn't concern himself with your feelings or desires. He is ignoring those things.
You are a not a bad person to not want to do this.
You went into the deal with the hopes and dreams of doing this together. He's already taking over.
The handwriting is on the wall. Back out now and feel bad. Back out later and feel worse.