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My brother takes care of the financial needs for her. But he does not visit her. I'm angry and I hurt for my mom. Talking to him turns into an intense argument. Anyone else have this issue?
I am heartsick to read these stories of virtual desertion by family members -- especially that there are so many of them. I'm caring for my disabled husband, and have been for the last dozen years. No family live nearby except my daughter, who is a nurse by profession, but an angel by personality. She doesn't do a whole lot of care for her dad -- many tasks involve his personal parts, and neither want her to do that, although she is fully prepared to when/if the time comes. I don't get any support either. No real friends in the area. People occasionally call or write and ask how he's doing. But his conditions and diseases are all progressive. So the best I can say is "he's doing about the same," and the more honest answer is "he's getting worse and worse." Either answer pretty much stops the conversation because they don't know how to respond except, "I'm sorry."
On the other hand, when our mother was dying, I lived across the continent from her and my brothers. They were the caregivers, and did an excellent job. I was heartsick and on edge the whole 2 years it took for the cancer to take her, because I couldn't be there to help. Each time I called and asked, "should I fly over?" they said "Only if you feel you need to. She's doing okay for now." There was no need to send money or anything else because my brothers were making decent wages, and my mom had retired from a lifelong career that left her with great insurance and an adequate nest egg. Finally, I couldn't stand it and flew out for the last 2 months of her life (thanks to my husband, who ran our company without me and took care of the kids).
I guess I just feel like there should be at least one comment about family who were active and involved in the care of their LO, and whose uninvolved sibling did not choose to be so. Speaking only for myself, those 22 months during my mom's illness when I was so far away were hell for me. I never felt so isolated and helpless in my life. But I'm eternally grateful for my brothers' loving care of a woman we all loved and miss so much.
I am so, so sorry to know that my experience is an outlier among this community. I can't imagine how hard the rejection, to say nothing of the actual assistance, must be for you all.
I have a sister who can’t do anything for my mom but give me a break but she doesn’t do that or call to talk to my mom. She doesn’t think that I should use any of moms money for groceries even though I gave up an apartment I loved because of the upstairs to take my mom back home and live with her. Any thoughts on this? Sorry I have the same problem. We end up in a big fight over this.
Yes, I have had this issue. Painfully, I have learned that unless you absolutely know everything there is to know about another person’s motivations, it is prudent to just carry on, as best you can, with fulfilling YOUR need to be there (or not) for your parent.
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
Be very careful one of my customer's came in for her hair did nothing but cry her brother took all of their mom's money left very little for her care ,and spent her inheritance too ,She was upset about the care for there mom first and foremost Hope it's not the guilt keeping him away
When I was much younger I couldn't deal with sick or dying relatives and family. I loved them, but couldn't express myself. Perhaps that is the case with your brother.
tluther: "My sister lives about 5 hours away, does not work, but has a lot of money and contributes neither time or money to mom. When I complain she says...'Well I knew you would regret taking her in.' She says she did her part when they lived in the same town and she ran errands for her."
What was involved in "ran errands" for her? Did she have to take your mother to doctor appointments, run over when your mother needed help, haul her around?
Did she have a different opinion about moving your mother in with you? Sometimes on these boards the caregiver complains about siblings, when what has happened is that the sibling(s) thought the parent was ready for a facility, except for one. That sibling decides to take the parent in and then regrets it.
On the surface, I "don't do much" for my mother. In fact, that is what she has told me. BUT I am here and my brothers are hours and states away. None of us can stand being around our mother, but I'm the one who has to do it the most. I am the Dummy Daughter Driver. I have put strict boundaries on this, to my mother's dismay. She has no idea of the HOURS it takes to haul her anywhere. She refuses to let me back to speak to the doctors, refuses to let me do her grocery shopping for her, etc.
Further boundaries have included refusing to do Internet research for her obsessions and refusal to spend hours on the phone with her (she thought I was "doing nothing" during these phone calls). She won't let me handle things for her, and so I won't listen to her stumble through attempting to do it for herself.
2 of my 3 brothers are the successor trustees, so the financial headaches will be theirs after she passes.
And then of course there's Sonny-No-Show, the one has the least to do with my mother. "He's so BUSY!" is my mother's excuse for him. Yet he has already put dibs on my mother's 20-year old coffeemaker and on her toilet paper stash? ?!?! He will be the one to watch. My mother does have a trust where all is divided equally four ways. Pictures, furnishings, etc. she has on a separate list as to who gets what.
Have you asked why he is not interested in visiting her.
Typically, with the people I work with, when this happens, the parent has been abusive.
A parent can target only ONE CHILD FOR ABUSE, while showering affection on others. This will understandably cause resentment.
If your mother was not abusive and your brother does not visit your mother, why is he taking care of the finances.?
If your mother is and has been a good mother to you, and you can handle the financial issues for her, take her to an elder care attorney and have her turn over the care of her financial needs to you?
It could be that your brother needs to work a lot, and does not have time to visit, and he feels that taking care of her finances is enough of a contribution.
YES!!! I have 2 brothers, but they do not visit. It is very hard to see your parent deteriorate, but sometimes you have to put your " big boy" pants on and do what is right . Since I am the only one that goes, I take the brunt of it all, but I know she is safe. I also handle all of her finances and do all of her laundry. ( I don't have to do her laundry, the NH will, but I want to make sure she looks nice). It makes it worse, not really having a sibling to discuss things with. Outside people don't understand. Hang in and do what you can.
Definitely! I have one brother and no sisters. My brother ex-communicated himself from the family at least 20 years ago. He is incredibly selfish and told me that the only thing that family does is ask you to do things for them. So with that attitude he decided to cut ties. I sent him a letter about 10 years ago and told him that our mom was getting older and that he should make time to see her. I told him he didn't have to see anyone else (frankly, I don't want to see him) but he should see her. I also told him if he doesn't visit her someday he will regret his decision and this is time he won't be able to get back. No response, not even a peep. I know he got the letter. He lives in the same town as we do and I know where he lives.
There are times when I wish he was around because it is a lot of weight on just my shoulders, but really, what help would he be with that kind of attitude?
Mom asks about him once in a while, but less and less often and I just redirect or tell her that he is busy. I want to tell her he is a @#$%#@$!, but for her I won't, I'm not gonna lie, I want to.
I have a brother like this. The trouble is, I don't think he has the moral compass to regret his actions, or rather inactions. He will be perfectly fine. There is no karma for people like this.
Hello, I had the same issue with my sister. She would call once a week and talk for maybe 15 minutes and I did everything for my mom. My mother just recently passed and I’m not talking to my sister as I am hurt with what she did. One thing I keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets. Try and not let it bother you, believe me I know it’s hard, and enjoy spending time with your mom. Don’t let the negative feelings towards your brother take over.
My brother is the same or even worse, because he just forget about her, when I said nasty words to him (how could I not if he did not come to visit her in a hospital where she was for 14 days)...Now she is in NH, I am coming every day, fortunately she is asking very rarely about him, otherwise I would say something nasty.... She was living with me 15 years, last three were a hell because of her dementia, we did not have any vacations, anything, while he was traveling all over the world. And its me, not him, who is crying every day after visiting her in that LTC facility as its not the best (where they are the best ones?) ....I wish I could follow your advice and "keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets...." But I am not yet there, for now its guilt all over me...
Perhaps your brother is unable to cope with the changes in his mother. Some people simply cannot deal with the aging and decline of their parent. I saw this happen often when I worked on an Alzheimer's unit. They just want their parent to remain as they were when younger. Remember some family visitors would become upset that their parent no longer was able to engage in activities that they had formerly enjoyed. (I was an Activity Director in Long Term Care facilities)
It's kind of you to make the excuse for them that they can't cope. What would happen if all of us decided we can't cope. Really most of the time the person is just selfish. Being a mature responsible adult means doing what needs to be done no matter how hard it is. As gerip1092 said " put on your big boy pants". All you people here who have stepped up and done the hard thing-- I salute you!
I struggle with a similar situation. I also feel anger and resentment at my sister, and sadness that my mother keeps asking about her.
The Memory Care place is not ideal, people wander about, they take things from my mom's tiny corner. It's bizarre, frightening, really. I have to go, but I am trying to figure out how to take Mom out a bit for visits. I don't want to subject my kids to it. They went a couple times, but it's so upsetting for them.
So, they give moral support, and my husband and I go and hold her, hug her, advocate for her.
I still have trouble coping, and it's sometimes satisfying to rant at how unfair it is that my elder sister has made this journey even more unpleasant.
In the end, I am glad I am able to visit Mom, and I think it's best to do what we can, knowing I can.
The caregiver role is very, very hard. My sympathies to you.
Mom moved in with my husband and I five years ago. My door is always open for family to visit. I even have gone to them with Mom.
One of my brothers, a few hours away, thinks it is useless to see her because she won't remember him, so why waste his time. 2 other brothers visit when they can as they are 1000 and 3000 miles away. When my younger brother had not seen Mom in 2 years(he lives the farthest), he came for a visit and (even though she did not remember his name) her eyes lit up and said look what the wind blew in. It was so worth it to see that look on both there faces. She has since forgotten any such visit happened, but I love all the "In The Moment" events that happen.
Sorry you have to go through this, but it is their loss. Do not stress. It took a couple of years for me to "disown" my other brother but I am much better emotionally for doing so.
Agree. And you know what, sons should put their big boy pants on and do the right thing by their parents! I think the she won't remember me or I can't stand to see her like this are lame excuses for self-centeredness and selfishness. My brother is the same. So sad my mom did not see him in the months before she died.
I have 1 brother that was like this. 1 brother that flew in several times a month to see her.. the 1 brother didn't like to see her decline. but it hurt her feelings.. she always commented to me about him not being around. the one that flew in several times a month lives in Florida. we're in Michigan. not a close trip by any means. but she loved him being there .. I took care of her daily, she was in a senior housing. medical facility.. I got calls during the night that she needed me. its so hard to watch them fade from us, but leaving them to others to care for is not an option … heartless..
I have a similar problem in regard to my wife's dementia. Together we have 7 adult children from prior marriages none of whom do anything but be critical of my 24-7 efforts!
And, being the suspicious lawyer I am, does your brother give you regular written accountings and reports?
It saddens me when people say they won’t visit because it won’t be remembered. I recently did a little course for families and friends of dementia patients. It was explained that there are two parts to the memory. They were likened to two bookshelves, the books being memories. One is a rickety bookshelf and that contains the memories and sadly books fall off randomly. The other is a sturdy solid shelf which contains all the feeling and they stay in place. Therefore, if you remind someone with dementia that someone has died, they soon forget it again but the sad feeling stays with them. The same is for nice events. I take my mum out as much as I can, it’s hard work and she soon forgets it but I just keep reminding myself that the good feeling will stay with her. I’m sure the same will apply to visits. Anyway, surely the pleasure a short visit gives, it better than no pleasure. For my family, I think it’s just another excuse for them not to put themselves out.
My two siblings are much older than me and retired with pensions and offer neither time nor money for mom. None of her grandkids - all adults - visit either.
mom turned 95 last week, and was surrounded with familiar faces of her caregivers, a close friend and me at her party in her facility
help may not come from where you expect it, but I've learned to accept it from wherever it comes and will try my best to pay it forward in kind
I have two sisters that do nothing for my mom. They think I should do everything for her. When my mom first started to get sick my middle sister moved to Florida so that she wouldn’t have to help rt before I retired. My youngest sister lives about 20 minutes away and remarried two years ago don’t help with my mom but can call wanting us to help her. They both are RN’s and always want to give the advice but no help with my mom. I am emotionally and physically burned out with taking care of my mother along with my daughter. I recently told my sister’s that I don’t care if I ever see them again in life. My mom took care of them, their kids and their live in boyfriends for years and they nor their kids can’t help take care of mom. I am just done, I don’t have a life .. I ended a 24 yr relationship after I found out Craig had a mentally challenged child with a married woman he worked with . It has been one thing after another since I retired almost 3 yrs ago along with going through breast cancer. My mom had a stroke and went completely blind. I’ve dealt with a lot. After mom had the stroke my sister’s came to the hospital acting like the concerned daughter’s as if they have been there all along. I just don’t have any love for either sister right now. I recent them for being so selfish. Didn’t mean to rant.
Last week, I sent my brothers a message that Mom is quickly declining and we are very concerned for her. One out of state brother asked if he could do anything. I told him to call her! After all, they hadn't spoken for 6 months. When he did call, I could hear the coldness in my mother's voice. Sad.
Another brother, that lived 15 minutes away, was scheduled to visit on Sunday. That morning, his wife sent me a text saying he did not want to go anywhere..... Needless to say, he has not and most likely will not see her before she passes. Hospice has said she will be going in a few weeks and she most likely will not see her two oldest sons. My Good Brother is coming next week from out of state. He is bring his family to visit her.
Please understand that my mother is a blunt woman, but not narcissistic or mean. She truly loves her family, but for some reason, two of her "kids" have written her off. Very sad that this is a common occurance!
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On the other hand, when our mother was dying, I lived across the continent from her and my brothers. They were the caregivers, and did an excellent job. I was heartsick and on edge the whole 2 years it took for the cancer to take her, because I couldn't be there to help. Each time I called and asked, "should I fly over?" they said "Only if you feel you need to. She's doing okay for now." There was no need to send money or anything else because my brothers were making decent wages, and my mom had retired from a lifelong career that left her with great insurance and an adequate nest egg. Finally, I couldn't stand it and flew out for the last 2 months of her life (thanks to my husband, who ran our company without me and took care of the kids).
I guess I just feel like there should be at least one comment about family who were active and involved in the care of their LO, and whose uninvolved sibling did not choose to be so. Speaking only for myself, those 22 months during my mom's illness when I was so far away were hell for me. I never felt so isolated and helpless in my life. But I'm eternally grateful for my brothers' loving care of a woman we all loved and miss so much.
I am so, so sorry to know that my experience is an outlier among this community. I can't imagine how hard the rejection, to say nothing of the actual assistance, must be for you all.
Sorry I have the same problem. We end up in a big fight over this.
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
Enjoy your Mom.
What was involved in "ran errands" for her? Did she have to take your mother to doctor appointments, run over when your mother needed help, haul her around?
Did she have a different opinion about moving your mother in with you? Sometimes on these boards the caregiver complains about siblings, when what has happened is that the sibling(s) thought the parent was ready for a facility, except for one. That sibling decides to take the parent in and then regrets it.
On the surface, I "don't do much" for my mother. In fact, that is what she has told me. BUT I am here and my brothers are hours and states away. None of us can stand being around our mother, but I'm the one who has to do it the most. I am the Dummy Daughter Driver. I have put strict boundaries on this, to my mother's dismay. She has no idea of the HOURS it takes to haul her anywhere. She refuses to let me back to speak to the doctors, refuses to let me do her grocery shopping for her, etc.
Further boundaries have included refusing to do Internet research for her obsessions and refusal to spend hours on the phone with her (she thought I was "doing nothing" during these phone calls). She won't let me handle things for her, and so I won't listen to her stumble through attempting to do it for herself.
2 of my 3 brothers are the successor trustees, so the financial headaches will be theirs after she passes.
And then of course there's Sonny-No-Show, the one has the least to do with my mother. "He's so BUSY!" is my mother's excuse for him. Yet he has already put dibs on my mother's 20-year old coffeemaker and on her toilet paper stash? ?!?! He will be the one to watch. My mother does have a trust where all is divided equally four ways. Pictures, furnishings, etc. she has on a separate list as to who gets what.
Have you asked why he is not interested in visiting her.
Typically, with the people I work with, when this happens, the parent has been abusive.
A parent can target only ONE CHILD FOR ABUSE, while showering affection on others. This will understandably cause resentment.
If your mother was not abusive and your brother does not visit your mother, why is he taking care of the finances.?
If your mother is and has been a good mother to you, and you can handle the financial issues for her, take her to an elder care attorney and have her turn over the care of her financial needs to you?
It could be that your brother needs to work a lot, and does not have time to visit, and he feels that taking care of her finances is enough of a contribution.
There are times when I wish he was around because it is a lot of weight on just my shoulders, but really, what help would he be with that kind of attitude?
Mom asks about him once in a while, but less and less often and I just redirect or tell her that he is busy. I want to tell her he is a @#$%#@$!, but for her I won't, I'm not gonna lie, I want to.
She was living with me 15 years, last three were a hell because of her dementia, we did not have any vacations, anything, while he was traveling all over the world. And its me, not him, who is crying every day after visiting her in that LTC facility as its not the best (where they are the best ones?) ....I wish I could follow your advice and "keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets...." But I am not yet there, for now its guilt all over me...
The Memory Care place is not ideal, people wander about, they take things from my mom's tiny corner. It's bizarre, frightening, really. I have to go, but I am trying to figure out how to take Mom out a bit for visits. I don't want to subject my kids to it. They went a couple times, but it's so upsetting for them.
So, they give moral support, and my husband and I go and hold her, hug her, advocate for her.
I still have trouble coping, and it's sometimes satisfying to rant at how unfair it is that my elder sister has made this journey even more unpleasant.
In the end, I am glad I am able to visit Mom, and I think it's best to do what we can, knowing I can.
The caregiver role is very, very hard. My sympathies to you.
One of my brothers, a few hours away, thinks it is useless to see her because she won't remember him, so why waste his time. 2 other brothers visit when they can as they are 1000 and 3000 miles away. When my younger brother had not seen Mom in 2 years(he lives the farthest), he came for a visit and (even though she did not remember his name) her eyes lit up and said look what the wind blew in. It was so worth it to see that look on both there faces. She has since forgotten any such visit happened, but I love all the "In The Moment" events that happen.
Sorry you have to go through this, but it is their loss. Do not stress. It took a couple of years for me to "disown" my other brother but I am much better emotionally for doing so.
Good luck.
I have a similar problem in regard to my wife's dementia. Together we have 7 adult children from prior marriages none of whom do anything but be critical of my 24-7 efforts!
And, being the suspicious lawyer I am, does your brother give you regular written accountings and reports?
mom turned 95 last week, and was surrounded with familiar faces of her caregivers, a close friend and me at her party in her facility
help may not come from where you expect it, but I've learned to accept it from wherever it comes and will try my best to pay it forward in kind
Another brother, that lived 15 minutes away, was scheduled to visit on Sunday. That morning, his wife sent me a text saying he did not want to go anywhere..... Needless to say, he has not and most likely will not see her before she passes. Hospice has said she will be going in a few weeks and she most likely will not see her two oldest sons. My Good Brother is coming next week from out of state. He is bring his family to visit her.
Please understand that my mother is a blunt woman, but not narcissistic or mean. She truly loves her family, but for some reason, two of her "kids" have written her off. Very sad that this is a common occurance!