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What she is proposing, with no salary, amounts pretty much to slave labor. But more importantly, think about the commitment. You'd be responsible for your aunt and would be accountable to your cousin, maybe for years to come. Is she someone who you'd want to be "reporting" to? Reach out to your state's department of aging (and your locality's department of aging, if they have one) or a local social worker to find out if there are benefits that you and your husband are not currently receiving, and ask for help finding an affordable apartment, if you need help.
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One option would be to accept the room with the understanding that as soon as you find a new apartment you will be leaving. The bottom line is that she probably needs you more than you need her. It is not healthy to be a 24/7 caregiver, especially for two people with dementia. It sounds like your cousin will expect you to be chained to the house in exchange for this room. That I not a good situation.
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No. Do not take on this responsibility.

Dementia is A BIG DEAL. And you want to take on two people? You have no idea what you are getting into. Research TEEPA SNOW's website - she is the country's leading expert on dementia. You need to educate yourself on what this means - in terms of progression, brain chemistry, behavior.

You are considering taking on more than you can imagine.
And once you are in there and find out what is involved, what will you do?
Move again? With a husband with dementia?

Offer to visit 1-2 hours several times a week.
Be clear on your time boundaries / limitations.
Do not offer an open-ended schedule.

* You ask us about live-in caregivers/laws. I question why you haven't researched this yourself already? [I am not picking on you although] I am inquiring as these are the types of things you need to be able to consider and research before you make any decisions - that you may / will regret down the road.

* Contact a tax attorney or elder care attorney re: the financial component.

A 'live-in' caregiver is considered, legally and tax-wise, an employee.
This could get very messy / complicated.
* "If" you do decide to move in, get a year's pay in advance and into your account. I would never ever rely on / expect that things will go smoothly and that you can depend on the income offered.

AND GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING. THIS NEEDS TO BE A CONTRACT.

* With issues already expressed that 'she doesn't listen' and is loud ... any arguments, misunderstandings or anger for whatever reason, the financial 'agreement' is out the window. And more grief awaits you on a red carpet.

* You do not want to leave yourself stuck. This is a 'stuck situation' waiting to happen.

You 'may' end up 'not paying rent,' although you will pay with your life - exhaustion and no end to it. And perhaps worse, feeling like you are having a breakdown.

You have enough on your plate. Do not do it.

Gena / Touch Matters
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No. Don’t take the offer. Especially given her husbands attitude about it. Free room and board to be a 24/7 slave?! No. I’d pick a cardboard box over that.
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One more comment—the fact that you didn’t push back when the $2,000 offer was rescinded means you will get trampled if you do move in. This is not a criticism—I am the same way, and do not like confrontation. It’s just how I am—and so I work hard not to be around people who are likely to take advantage of me. Your cousin has NO place asking you to be a caregiver for free—and yes, it is for free! Letting you use a bedroom costs them NOTHING. There is NO consideration of your needs here at all, only their own greed. They are irresponsible and immature. How DARE they ask this of you??

Maybe see a social worker for yourself—they can maybe help you with a plan going forward; there might be good financial support for you and your husband that you don’t know about. Don’t get involved with people who feel very free to take advantage of your difficult situation.
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You will still have some expenses even though you're saving while getting free room and board. Gas in the car, yout own food, a cell phone bill, medical copays, your transmission decides to go out, whatever your situation may be. If you're not being paid you'll be living off what you're saving, and that 'rainy day' situation could happen. Points to ponder.

Free room and board is not considered compensation. Life, existence, costs money. And this is no ordinary job. Your aunt's condition will not improve and the level of care will only increase. In my opinion I wouldn't care how much money I saved if I was too exhausted to spend any of it when I was done.

Anybody who screamed me down with, "I cannot pay you anything," would get a resounding, "Then I wish you well," and a hung up phone.

Best of luck. Put you and your husband first. I think you'll be glad you did.
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Magical7764: Your response to your cousin should be 'No, I cannot and will not take care of a second individual with dementia. I've already got a full plate. It IS a big deal caring for my husband with dementia.'
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under My moms long term care contract, they reimburse at a rate of $300 per day for personal care services
the local staffing agency charges us $350 per day for 24/7 care - caregiver is entitled to 3 hours off for meals and 5-8 hours sleep that are unpaid.
this comes to $25-30 per hour worked.
Medicaid will allow for reimbursement of family care giver if qualified.

As a direct hire, $300 per day would be the rate in my area. ($29/h)
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WearyJanie Aug 2023
So that’s $3,100 a WEEK. More than 4 times what magical would have been paid. inter!
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Do Not Do It.
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anonymous1732518 Aug 2023
Why not?
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And how many of your want to bet once she moves in she will be expected to pay for the utilities?
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Your cousin needs to get a good dose of taking care of her own mom for a few weeks. That is the ONLY WAY she is going to realize what a bargain it would be to pay you $2,000 a month along with you living there. You would be doing HER a HUGE favor by living there! She'd know someone was always there keeping an eye on her mom.
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