My dad (86) has dementia. He is being sexually exploited by a woman who is 64 and goes to the senior center he goes to. What do I do?

Ha ha ha ha ha LOL, ROFL, woo hoo 😆😅😂

Dighby, did you curl up with a doobie and a dictionary to pump out that linguistic masterpiece?
Aaahahaha, you go Tejano! (Texan in Spanish)

Yeah, I'm with CW, if Pyediana doesn't care to (or maybe can't) comment, let this one go.
🏎💨

If you are his POA: can you put an intervention order against her?

Pyediana has not been back to elaborate after 6 days and this is getting ridiculous, I suggest we let this thread die.

I think Dighby's trying to be a poet.

Someone's playing games.

Physical affection has another dimension, sexual tension does not require an erection, a man with a pension without any question still needs a love session, and need I mention, this old texan does not need a lesson on physical expression. The woman's aggression and its progression might be a misconception. Maybe her contention is his attention, and although not doing it in the normal convention, or with normal discretion, that doesn't make it a transgression. My impression, is she has no obreption, or deception, just a harmless obsession, wants to make a love connection, or something in that direction. Her inception of love is not an infection or deception, you should not be worried about her intention.

Llamalover47 Yet there are some 70 something women trying to hook up with men in their 20s, 30s or 40s. That's not gross?

SueC1957. There are many 70+ folks still "getting it on"

If he really was still interested in sex he would probably be after a woman in her 30s or 40s.  

Dighby,
From WebMD,
Erectile Dysfunction Common with Age;
The majority of younger men (74%) rated (their) sexual function as good or very good; only 10% of men older than 80 rated sexual function the same. Only 12% of younger men reported big or moderate (sexual) problems. But nearly a quarter to a third of men older than 50 reported this degree of severity in sexual function.

Come on now. Do you really think this 86 yr. old gentleman could "do the wild thing"?
This poor guy is confused (dementia) but is capable of physical pleasure, however he probably is unable to have intercourse. She may be stimulating but it's not going past first base. Read up on erectile dysfunction in the elderly.

If you think you can "get it on" when you're near 90, you're delusional. Dream on.

Lassie: I'm 70 and the day I would be even looking at an 86 year-old man would mean to the mental ward for me! Super gross! Dighby---Really?

Well obviously the woman has some sort of mental disability or alzheimers, so it doesn't make it against the law ,the cops have way more importaint things to do than get involved with a old couple with deminta haveing a love afair !gee willikers !! If it bothers you that much, change his daycare or senior home ! Again sorry ! Just my opinion ....

Trying to see Dighby's point of view - that if the old boy is having fun why meddle? - it seems to me akin to what *most* men over a certain age that I've ever talked to about the subject feel about the sexual exploitation of adolescent boys by older women - teachers, cougars, "MILFs", and the like. The almost universal response has been along the lines of 'God I wish that had happened to me.'

But surely we've progressed past that? Surely we recognise that no matter how enthusiastic a young lad might be about his crush, it is wrong wrong wrong for an adult to exploit it. And surely, with this elderly gentleman, we can switch the genders in our imaginations and see how we'd feel about it if our grannies were being pestered by 64 year old toy boys, and if those in charge had dealt with it as they have.

It's purely a Protection of Vulnerable Adults question. It's not about being blue meanies with one eye on the estate.

GardenArtist there was nothing wrong with my post, troll someplace else.

What is wrong with HER? I'm 66 and the day I would be 'touching' or doing anything ELSE with an 86 year old man with dementia is the day they would be putting me into a mental ward. Eww. I have seen this kind of thing happen a time or two back when I worked with a social services organization. It is NOT romantic, sexy, or pretty, I can assure you!

Dighby, "I say if the guy can get some action at 86 he should get it while he can. " This is so obviously a clue to why you're here that it's laughable. Your purpose for inciting response is quite transparent. You're not fooling anyone except yourself.

Get your father to a different senior center or daycare pronto. Looks like this old Jezebel is looking for a sugar daddy, which she will not get if your father is moved elsewhere. And get a restraining order against this stupid broad

well I suggest to you is to get the law involved if they're not going to proceed with this fairly then you take them to court since you have video evidence proving that your father's innocent tell them your father has dementia so how can he even be considered even committing the crime if it's possible try to bring the woman on sexual abuse charges because I think that touching someone without consent is sexual abuse or molestation if you go with a lawyer you should probably win since you have video evidence

I think you should just stop worrying about this. Lots of elderly people still have these feelings.maybe dad does remember but he likes her ...nobody wants to be alone ...as long as there is no wedding no worries...it's kinda cute ...Sorry ,good luck!

PYEDIANA; Your dad has alzheimers? But do the Drs say he's unable to care for himself ?do you think he just wants companionship? I mean I don't want to be alone ..Have you witnessed it with your own eyes? This happens weather we want it to or not ...our elders still want to blank blank....don't worry it happens more than you think ...you never know how we will be when we hit that age.....

Yeah, and I know that children of the elderly often worry about their inheritance more than they should. Why else would an offspring worry about a woman showing normal adult physical affection towards a father? She's a gold digger!!! Maybe she actually likes the guy. Did you ever think of that? What kind of person assumes that signs of physical affection are "touching" and dirty? I say if the guy can get some action at 86 he should get it while he can. I know if I was 86 and a woman was making herself available, and my busybody daughter had a problem with it, I'd send her home. He's a grown man, let him do what he wants.

Dighby, you're "assuming facts not in evidence." The OP wrote that her father has dementia. He may not have the wherewithal to "consent", as you describe it. With dementia, he might be acting strictly on a physical response basis, and that's not informed consent, nor would it necessarily be consensual.

Get a restraining order that she can't be within 150 feet of him - who ever is p.o.a. should be able to do this simply especially if there is video evidence - if she is doing this on a bus then she knows she can't in the senior centre / place they are meeting - get a hold on his accounts in case she starts bleeding him dry with money - hopefully this is all in place already but if not RUN DON'T WALK TO A LAWYER & GET IT SORTED OUT YESTERDAY IF POSSIBLE!

I'm not daft or a creep or anything. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want. If they like each other they can sleep together, how is that any of your business?

Why in the world is HE being banned when it's the WOMAN who is the perpetrator? Something is amiss here!
Dighby, "let them sleep together?" Really?!! You've got to be daft, e.g. ludicrous.

As if a caretaker doesn't have enough to worry about already. I will say when trained to be an STNA a few years ago, the "government" book I was issued said if two consenting residents want to get into bed together, we were to "provide privacy and leave the room." I got this from "Hartman's Nursing Assistant Care: The Basics," third edition, 2010, chapter 3, "Understanding Your Residents," page 57, in reference to the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. "Humans are sexual beings," says the text. Right. And it's apparently okay for the residents to masturbate (which is one of the reasons I took my mom out of a memory care center where one old fart liked to stand close to the old gals confined to wheelchairs and touch himself every chance he got and was seldom escorted back to his room since the aides were too busy). Real nice to witness, though quoting this handbook again, "Residents have the right to choose how they express their sexuality. An attitude that any expression of sexuality by the elderly is "disgusting" or "cute" is inappropriate. It deprives residents of their right to dignity and respect," Lol.

If your dad can't remember the woman, who's to say he wasn't a willing participant in the activity? My mother has Alzheimer, she does things all the time that she later denies or has forgotten about. Unfortunately, you can not believe what someone with dementia says and it will get worse! One day they love something, the next day they hate it. If there are issues of any kind that are not good for your dad, take him somewhere else. It sounds to me like you are being a bit naive about the situation.

I've been doing some very serious studying and I clearly see exactly what's going on. Social isolation was mentioned. This is the very early signs of abuse because it sounds like this woman has an agenda,  and it's not good! The first thing and abuser does is work on the targeted victim to isolate them from friends and family before making the next move. I know what I'm talking about because something happened to my dad who had Alzheimer's. He had a POA living with him and she ended up abusing her powers and changing his life insurance beneficiary from kin to herself, illegal in Ohio. I didn't know what happened until after dad died and now I'm dealing with the aftermath of her actions. Please feel free to use my story to gauge the situation but you may also want to do further research on the signs of abuse. Learn everything you can about all forms of elder abuse, including sexual abuse as you're describing. Vultures can get to their victims through whatever they're weak point is in order to get what they want from the victims. 

How you can help stop elder abuse 

You can call the APS and described to them exactly what you said here. Pulling up proof of his dementia from his medical records will be vital in proving your dad's being taken advantage of and sexually abused. 

* If he has dementia he cannot consent so this would be as bad as abusing a child

Get the police involved and make a report and describe everything you told us here. Include copies of diagnosed dementia from your dad's doctor and  explain that he's the victim who was banned from services when it should be the perpetrator. 

If you can get a video recording of the conversation with your dad about this woman, do it and save it to use for later. You can use video evidence to prove what's really going on. See if you can find out what time this woman shows up to visit your dad and get a video of the inappropriate contact from a distance and remote location but be careful to be subtle about it

First I have to say, this is supposed to be a forum for caregivers to commiserate, support and help each other by sharing experiences. I have seen several people treated very poorly here in the last few weeks, it surprises and saddens me that people here would be so cruel to other people who just like them are doing the best they can to care for an elderly friend or relative. Many of us here get enough abuse from the Dementia patient we are caring for, the last thing we need is more of the same from the people who are supposed to understand. How about we try to remember the saying, if you can't say something nice (supportive) don't say anything at all. We all have bad days so if it isn't a good one for you and something strikes you in such a negative way you feel compelled to berate them here, move on instead.

That said I have also noticed that people often read situations differently on social media and especially here often based on their own experiences so the answers can take on a life or situation of their own and this looks like one of those times. I may be doing that very thing and the one reading this OP question wrong but my understanding is that this is occurring at the senior center her father attends. As others have pointed out the bus or van mentioned is more likely the transportation van for that SR center or the local SR transport van like the one my mom uses to do things in town and go to some doctors appointments. I don't think we know if he still lives on his own or not and I'm not sure it matters. I am curious though, this younger woman does she also have memory issues? Might it be that she really does believe they are engaged and getting married and that he is as into it all as she is? Kind of like kids where the girl is a bit more advanced than the boy and easily leads them down the wrong path thinking it's what will make him like her more. Sometimes elderly with memory issues are as suggestible as children can be and maybe they are both behaving in ways they normally wouldn't. It doesn't help the situation but it might help everyone involved see the big picture and come up with ideas. It does sound like the "proof" both the center and the transit van are using would show her as being the aggressor and my guess is since he is male it doesn't occur to anyone that he isn't encouraging and enjoying it when to some degree giving his mental issues he is being assaulted, problem is she may not have enough faculties to know shes assaulting him if that makes sense. I would certainly go in and talk with the people at the SR center, they probably have some clout with the transportation too but you may need to talk with them separately. I would either get in touch with her family or caregiver directly or involve them through the center as well both because they need to know about the behavior for now and the future and because they may have some ideas about how to stop it. Maybe even simply coordinating the schedules so they are going to the center on different days. From your description I can imagine how hard this is on your dad, how stressful and from experience I know how much stress like that can bring out some of the downside of their illness's so sympathise with you watching all of this and feeling helpless about what to do. But keep in mind that when you can find a way to calm things down and restore that balance, his feeling about his place in the community, what seems like acceleration of his disease may very well fade back into the background where they have been. It probably isn't as permanent as it seems right now, on the other side though there may very well be things and times that bring them to the forefront again. We go through this with my mom all the time and we worry it means she's getting worse but then suddenly she seems much better again, it can be anything, stress is a big cause of course but a cold or some other infection can cause just as much havoc. Her flu shot threw her way off the rails when she got it a month or so ago. Hang in there.

Get a restraining order on her if you feel like your dad is being sexually assaulted. It may be hard but if you feel he needs protection you will have to be the bad guy to protect him.

Unfortunately, people with dementia often obsess about things that were taboo when they werec younger, and sex is one of them. My mom was a prude all her life, but when she was in the nursing home, she insisted everyone there was having relations with everyone else, including staff. Some of the things she talked about made me want to take a shower when I got home. Although her post was rather snarky, I agree with Idahogirl that you need to find a safe place for Dad. A place that is staffed and the staff is knowledgeable about potential lovebirds and can intervene.