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Coloradoproud...I totally understand your situation.  I have a brother I don't get along with.  I stayed with my mom for 13 days and nights while she was in hospice in a hospital.  No one from my family wanted to be with her when she passed.  I was scared, too, to be honest, but I would not leave her side.  She was my best friend, let alone my mom.  I thank the Lord every single day that I was with her when she passed.  It was peaceful...I sang to her, told her she was going to a beautiful place, brushed her hair off her face, kissed her head and she had tears coming out of both eyes.  She then took her last breath.  I would have never forgiven myself if I weren't there. 

However, the choice is always yours.  If you don't feel comfortable being there (for whatever reason), that is your choice and nobody can fault you for that.  You do what is right for you.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your father.  I'm here if you need to talk.
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I was a full-time hands-on caregiver and was there every minute till the end. It is very difficult. All the other things you said are irrelevant. For the sake of the ill person and that's who you should be focused on, it is up to you whether you can provide comforting words and measures to ease the passage. Only you know whether you can handle it.
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Coloradoproud--

Make sure your dad knows YOU are OK with him leaving. I know we all got together and had family prayer and told dad 'you can leave us, we will be fine'. He hung on about an hour longer and passed between one breath and another.

For me, this was VERY spiritual. But it was my daddy. I could handle it. I was happy for him.
AND, he waited until 45 minutes in the New Year, 15 years ago. He so did not want to 'ruin' the holidays---and he most assuredly did not.

There is no handbook on the 'etiquette' surrounding the very personal experience that is death. You do what makes you comfortable and try to keep out of sister's way.

Please get yourself checked out. Those symptoms are more than stress, I think. Just to be on the safe side.
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Trust your instincts and do what you feel is right. Wishing you peace.
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This thread has been very good for me, and timely. My mom transitioned on December 13, Friday, although I'm sure she left on the Thursday the 12th, shortly after I left the nursing home. She was 90-1/2 with vascular dementia.

Within a month before she died she said a few things about dying. She said, "I wish I could talk about my death but I don't want to hear it." During her last hospitalization (two weeks before she died), she told me she was afraid. I asked her what she was afraid of. She said, "Of dying. But just shut up about it!" I have audio recording of that.

I was her legal guardian for the last 15 months of her life. So I was the most prominent figure in her life. She hated that place. She said to my brother and me on two different occasions, "This place is driving me nuts."

I spent Thursday afternoon lying in bed with her. She was no longer talking for the prior three days but she was somewhat responsive to me. The hospice chaplain paid a visit on Thursday. He sat on one side of my mom, and I was lying next to her on the other side. He asked me if I planned on being with her when she transitioned. I told him I hoped that would be the case but if not, I'm happy that I've been with her, lying next to her during this week, and I will be ok if I'm not here for her last breath. That afternoon was the first time I openly talked about death with anyone in front of my mom. After all -- she told me a week before that she was afraid of dying.

The chaplain came in dressed in Santa garb. He read a poem to us called, "I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year". I didn't know at the time that this is actually a recorded song. My mom was an atheist. Earlier in the afternoon I read my mom a poem called "Holding On". The poem was written by my x-husband's close friend, after my x died. I read it to her on the 12th. Her death is recorded as Friday the 13th. I read the poem again after I got the call at 7:30 a.m. The date the poem was penned was December 13 (2017).

I spent six hours in my mom's bed that afternoon, stroking her hair and head, and I gave her a facial massage with lotion. I said very little. I left to go to the toilet. When I came back she had a strange smile on her face. Kind of scary, really. Almost like a caricature of my mom. Then I realized that her top denture had slipped down. I removed her teeth. A little while later she opened her eyes, for the first time in three days. Looking straight ahead, trying to keep them open, and moving her mouth. There was a tear in her right eye. In retrospect, the slipping teeth and her eyes opening should have told me that "death was imminent". I recorded this on my phone.

When it was time to leave, I hugged her with my cheek to her cheek, for a long time. I told her I would see her tomorrow. I believe that that was her transition. And I was there.

I believe that no one checked on her until change of shift the next morning.

I am comfortable with her passing and confident that I WAS with her, and especially glad that she is finally out of the nursing home that she hated.
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rhonda368 Dec 2019
I would love to read the poem if you don’t mind sharing it. I wasn’t with my Dad when he passed, but I pray that I will be there for my Mom. God bless you and your family during this hard time.
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As long as you have talked to him and let him know that you will be ok and that it is ok to let go. I was there when my dad passed and the look on his face was content, and full of understanding like he was seeing something fantastic that I could not see. I will never forget this, am glad I witnessed it because it makes me wonder and not fear death so much. My mom was on hospice and in and out of end of life symptoms for 19 months so I had talked to her and reassured her many times that I would be ok. She waited until I left the room to get her medicine then she passed peacefully with my husband in the room with her. Everyone is different and every situation different. You must do what you feel you can handle at that time and that will be ok.
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im curious why your sister has POA? Is it Medical POA? Why would she live so far, then?
Anyway, I wish you well on whatever decision you make. I believe that because you mentioned your sister and there are more layers to the problem, that making that decision is up to you. To that end, if you feel close and want to be there for your dad's transition, I think that is priority over whatever you and your sister are going through.
Ggood luck and heartfelt thoughts.
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Hospice literature suggests that the dying person kind of "picks a time" to pass and may or may not want someone to be there. Be with him when you can be, reassure him that he "did a good job," and that all of you will manage OK, and that you love him. Whether your sister is with him or not is up to her. None of us can control when a person passes. They will do so when they are ready.
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SallyB Dec 2019
This is so very true. Those on our vigil team have a saying: "The right person was in the room when the patient died." I often take the 6-8 am shift, with the family due to arrive at 8 am. More than once, the patient has been completely unresponsive during my shift, but I can see perks up when adult child arrives at 8 am and I later learn died within 20 minutes. The patient saved all their energy so that their child could be with them when they died. Other times, they have died in my presence (which we consider to be an honor) shortly before family is due to arrive. My own personal experience witnessing the deaths of my father, mother, then twin sister were that they clearly chose who was in the room at the time they died.
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I second all of those who encouraged you to take advantage of hospice services. I am a direct care hospice volunteer and am on a team that specifically does vigils. Our team does two hour shifts 24/7 when a family member cannot be with their loved one, but does not want them to be alone. You should not feel guilty in the least if you cannot or do not want to be there when your father passes, particularly given the situation with your sister. Some of us are meant to do this, but most people are not. That does not mean anything is wrong with those who can't. We're just different. Hospice is meant to be there for you as well as your father. Explain the situation to them and I'm sure they can provide guidance to you. Best wishes to you.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2019
Awesome advice! I would also say that if/when he is in one of his more lucid moments, that is the time I would want to share with him, express your love and care when he can most appreciate it and you build a positive memory with it as well. Then when sister arrives, make yourself scarce.
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After your Father has passed, make sure your sister knows that her POA is no longer valid. If she is also the Executor, that is not valid until the Court appoints her. So, she will have to work with the rest of the family on all of the details.

i only mention this because I feel like you will feel better if you stand up to her. You have enough grief right now, take some control where you can.

As the sister of someone who sounds an awful lot like your sister, I am giving you the biggest internet hug I possibly can.
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Davenport Dec 2019
Thank you, Becky. I didn't know that the appointed Executor ceases to be so after a person passes. Do you know if that is state-specific? I also have the 'older sister' control freak. I've never gone toe-to-toe with her on anything, but I'm wondering if I should consult with an attorney, just in case? (That's a rhetorical question, directed to myself, really.)
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Becky,

Good advice. I never had a problem standing up to my brothers. I stood up, said what I had to say then forgot about it. I discontinued my relationship with them.

My opinion never made any difference to them. I didn’t even expect that it would. They aren’t the type to be real men who are capable of apologizing or saying they are wrong about anything.

With the help from a good therapist I reached a point where I no longer needed an apology from them to validate to myself who I was. I sincerely no longer care what they feel or believe. It’s a huge relief.
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You should be by your dad's side when he passes. It is important and honorble
to do. Despite your differences with him or your sister. You won't see him again
after this. Be there for his transition.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
No, she should do what is right for her and not feel guilty about it. If others choose something different for themselves because it’s the right choice for them, so be it. That’s great if they feel it’s good for them.

She has the right to do what she feels is best for her regardless of what others think. She has been there as the caregiver. Her dad knows that. Everyone has a limit to what they can do.
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Thank you Sally for explaining this. I was so grateful to everyone in hospice care when my brother was dying. He received excellent care from the nurses, social worker and clergy and they were a great comfort to our family. Thank you for all of your support.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Sally,

Everyone says goodbye in their own ways. The social worker explained that to us. I was the very last person with my brother before he died. He died the second that I left his room.

His social worker told me that he was not afraid to die and was extremely independent and most likely did not want anyone around when he died. I totally respect what she had to say.

I feel absolute no guilt not being there to see him take his last breath. He would not have wanted that.
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dont be there and dont feel guilty- you have been helping your dad all these years- it is not important to watch him take his last breath- remember the good times and you having a good life is I am sure all your dad would want from you. Take care I know it can be tough - my husband went through this with his dad-
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I am so sorry with what you are going through and experienced the same when I brought my mom home to my house when she was placed in hospice. Hopefully my reply doesn't make anyone upset but my take is a little different. I am one of 4 adult children (the youngest) and the others elected not to be present when we were given the final day notice for our dear mother. They knew I would be there and would handle everything. Being alone with her was traumatic for me as I was emotional and exhausted. I was responsible for providing meds on time and various procedures while praying I was doing everything right to make her final days special (playing hymns, trying to stay awake and talk to her so she knew she wasn't alone). I was then left alone to handle funeral arrangements, write the obituary etc. It took me three trips to the funeral home as it was very difficult and we were very close. My dad passed when I was 10 years old. They knew how difficult this would be and I found it selfish for them to leave me with everything especially knowing I would struggle and knowing what all mom had sacrificed for them. While everyone has the right to elect their own path and grieve in their way, I was angered that I had no support during this time. And if I had taken that path, she would not have had anyone and she certainly deserved all of the kids pulling together one last time to be there for her as she was a wonderful, giving mother to each of us. Two of my siblings reached out after regretting that they weren't there and said they should have been but I have had no communication with one brother but pray we will have peace again one day. So I have learned that we have to respect others decisions and my vision of a family surrounding a loved one in unity as what should happen at that time wasn't going to be and isn't always the case. I wish you peace with your decision.
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You have received many wide and varied views on being there or not being there, but only you know the true answer, and should honor your own wishes.

I believe that you should take a few moments with your Dad when he is lucid and tell him how much you love him and tell him that if you are not there at his passing, that it is OK, and that you will be alright, and that it is OK for him to let go.

Don't let any part of your feelings on the matter be guided or guilted by anyone else, they are your feelings and yours alone, and are perfectly normal and understandable. Your Dad knows you have been there all along in his journey and he understands exactly how you feel, you are his daughter after all, they do know these things. Hopefully your sister will now step up to the plate and have her own special moments with her Dad, you have done your fair share., and your Dad knows.

I pray that his transition is swift and peaceful, and do know that you have been an Amazing Caregiver to him. Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.
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My dad was in a nursing home with hospice care in his final 10 days. He never opened his eyes but was very restless. My mom, sister and I would spend most days by his side. Friends would stop by to visit us and him. I would go very early in the morning so I could be alone with him to tell him that we would be fine and that he could go. We were all there late on a Saturday night and then we had a sitter come in. He passed after we all left. In some ways, I'm sad I wasn't there but I think that's probably how he wanted it. I don't really feel guilty because there was so much that I did do for my dad. I know he loved and appreciated me for doing it. All I can say is say your goodbye when you can and try to be at peace with your decision. Sending you best wishes.
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Davenport Dec 2019
blessedtep, I am glad you don't feel guilty, and know that your your dad knew all you'd done for him, and your love for him.
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I’m sorry to hear about your impending loss and family complications. None of this is easy on the heart! Hospice should be able to make determinations on when he’s close to passing, based on the condition of his body and skin. I would recommend communicating your wish to not be present with the staff so that they can keep you informed.
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I would be there anyway. You don’t regrets down the road and I think you should be with your father. They can still hear to the last breath. You should be there.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
What if the OP regrets being there? What if they can’t handle the trauma of watching their father take his last breathes?
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Coloradoproud, I'd be very careful in reviewing other folks' opinions here. . . realize that they are opinions only. There isn't a 'right or wrong' answer to your dilemma. It's your decision ALONE to make. Search your heart, and then OWN your decision. I think that way, you might at least minimize possible regrets. Oh--do NOT listen to your older sister, AT ALL. That bit of advice I can offer because I have an 'older sister' like yours. Finally, it is time you are at peace,
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First and last, whatever you decide is fine.

Having said that, there are things to consider. JUST MY OPINION.

Your sister sounds like mine, and do you want it bruited about that you "disappeared" at the last moments? She will say she had to "do everything. "

More importantly, you know what your dad wants or will want as the end comes. He may look for you and you may have regrets you were not there.

But, as I typed before, this is your decision Good luck and I will hope for you.
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I have already posted but I want to reiterate that this is your choice alone. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about not being there if you are unable to be with him. Not your sister or anyone else. Your dad knows that you care.
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You are the one who can make that decision and sometimes no matter what you do you can’t please everyone.
i personally chose to stay and although it’s one of the hardest things to do I didn’t want dad or mom to come out of their comatose state and not be there with them. That being said I had nightmares for quite awhile as sometimes they don’t always go easily.
You do what your heart tells you. Your daddy would most likely understand 🌹💕.
Hugs and prayers
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Sorry, if this is too late.

I had the same fear as you do. Stay with your father and talk to him, even if he’s in a unresponsive state. Thank him. He’ll be listening.

Don’t run. Please face it.
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Coloradoproud please do what you feel comfortable with. What is correct for those other posters is fine for them but not you & no one should guilt you over it.

I was in the room asleep when my mom passed. I had every intention of being awake and in tune to the moment. Mom was breathing laboriously- not panting nor Cheyne Stokes - and I feel asleep to the sound of her breathing. When my brain didn’t hear the sound of her breathing I awoke startled, looked over and mom was no longer breathing. She must have just passed.

I think my mother wanted it that way - for me not to see her take her last breaths. I was guilt ridden for a while but got over it in about a year.

Sometimes the person transitioning from this life makes the decision for you, which is what I am trying to say.

I suggest just being with him and make him comfortable- comb his hair, gently moisten his lips. Put yourself in the moment to give your dad reverence at the end.

Do what you feel is right. He’s your dad and you love him. Only you two know of the nuances in your relationship. Go with your feelings. You’re already showing him respect. Prepare yourself to say goodbye comfort yourself in that you are a good daughter.

I am sorry you are going through all this.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for answering and your feedback. He is incredibly still alive but barely. No one can believe it! No real food for over two months, no milk shakes for at least three weeks, no coca cola or ginger ale for several days. Getting Just morphine now. Amazing.
I.ve made my peace and dont feel that i have to be there at the end, and i believe he doesnt want anyone to see him take him last breath.
I am very grateful to every person that has responded because it helped me get clarity about what is best for my well being. Watching this process has been exhausting and emotionally draining. Ten times moreso with my mom bc i was very close to her. I have to take care of my mind and soul now.
Love you all for your caring thoughts and wishes.
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I have had a very difficult relationship over 4 decades with my father. He actually passed away a couple of days ago in hospital and i was not there when it happened. I did not see him or speak to him for one week before he died. I had a call from the hospital telling me had passed. I count it as a blessing for him and for me. He was suffering too much for 7 years with vascular dementia. He became more and more difficult as he declined. It is a raw feeling but at least now i feel free. It feels as if the shackles have been removed. I lived with him for many years, helped him, did everything i could, sadly none of it was appreciated. Now at 44 i have to start my life. I can now only pray that he is in a better place and that his soul will rest in peace. I hope you manage to get things sorted for yourself. I regret not seeing him or speaking to him before he died but that was because i was far away from home when he died and i couldn't call him because he had no phone. I wish i had just seen him for the last time, but i doubt it would have changed the dynamics of a very toxic relationship
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surprise Dec 2019
I'm ready to let mthr go too, similar situation. I was no contact with her for 8 happy years before I took her to memory care locally. She's on hospice and declining steadily. Thanks for giving me the courage to not go sit bedside with her, Karim.
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In response to rhonda368 and Davenport, who asked if I would share the poem I read to my mom on her last day:

This is the poem:

Holding On

When holding on another day
begins and ends with your dismay.

Then holding on is letting go
of who you are and what you know.

Make this the moment of your birth
for you are made of more than earth.

Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.

(Rick Rever
13 December 2017)

Interesting, in that the chaplain said to us -- birth does not just mean when you were born into this world, but also your birth into the next world.

The last lines -- Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.

My mom was a singer from childhood, though not professionally and instead birthing and raising nine children. We all sing. The music in her room was set to the Jazz Classics station, always on. In recordings I've made during my visits you can always hear it in the background. A few days before she died Tony Bennett sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", and I quietly chimed in with Tony while lying next to my mom.

(She also loved ZZTop, The Ramones, Al Green, and on and on.)
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To SallyB
I like your vigil phrase that "The right person was in the room when the person died." That is comforting. I was in the room with my husband when he died, but asleep (on the floor). Shane1124 mentions being guilt ridden after being asleep when her mother died, but it is more helpful to believe the dying person made the choice.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yes, such a good way to express this emotion.
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If a person would go and not sincerely want to be at their bedside it is a hypocritical gesture. So why go? It could also cause them psychological harm. I seriously doubt that a dying person would want that for the person who cared for them.

SO DO NOT GO BECAUSE OTHERS WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR BECAUSE THEY WENT AND IT WAS RIGHT FOR THEM!

We are individuals that are not carbon copies of each other.

Please listen to what the wise poster from hospice had to say, as SallyB, said, “Some of us are meant to do this, but most are not. That does not mean there is anything wrong with those who can’t. We are all different.” Thanks SallyB.

We can say goodbye in our own heartfelt way if we are not there.
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I think your more against being there because of your sister and her temper , sounds like your tired and frustrated by her at the same time. My Father is 87 and was put on hospice just today and my oldest sister is here visiting from out of state for the holidays, she’ll be leaving Monday and I refuse to inform her and to tell her anything anyone, I try to tell her for the past 2 yrs about his condition and she didn’t come now she been her for a week and only visited him once for an hour I figured if she cared she would go see him again but she haven’t I text her but she’s not replying so don’t let your sister get in the way just stop by when ever you can to see your father for a few minutes kiss him and that’s good enough he knows you been there good luck God Be with you
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