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SallyB gave you stellar advice in my humble opinion.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
I think so too!
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If you don't want to be there and have that as your last living memory of him, say your goodbyes and leave your sister to it. I wasn't there when either of my parents passed, though I was on the way to visit my dad. I was present when an elderly friend passed and I wish I hadn't been. He wasn't conscious and it is not a good last memory of a wonderful man. (I'm on this board for my MIL, not my own parents.)
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Coloradoproud,
Please reconsider. You might regret not being there.
Ignore your sister. You are not there for her if she annoys you.
Do it for your father.
After all, you are the one who has been there with your father all this time.
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elaineSC Dec 2019
If he's not lucid when it is time for him to pass on, Hospice has told me that some people do not want to be there because they don't want to watch their loved one die. I didn't want to be there. My Dad was given morphine and was asleep when he passed. He was when I left Hospice that day and I had started having anxiety issues and I knew I just couldn't take anymore of watching him suffer and certainly didn't want to watch him die. He had told me he loved me and I told him the same thing at the hospital and at hospice. So it was a personal decision and Hospice supports the adult child either way in their decision. I think telling somebody they might "regret" it later just increases their stress.
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Coloradoproud, how are you doing?

Finding a way to cope with your sister?

Sending prayers for you, for strength, wisdom and comfort during this difficult time. Hugs!
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
He passed away tonight at 815pm. I wasn't there. I just couldnt be there. After 3 months watching him go through every stage of the dying process and there yesterday, i felt that i had been there enough. My sister managed to have a huge outburst yesterday just because i asked the hospice nurse a few questions, one about the syrjnges with morphine which the nurse found out were all overfilled! Plus the dispensing directions wriiten by a caregiver were not what the hospice care plan said it should be.
my sister of course said i was interfering and being a troublemaker and of course said all these nasty things about me, criticizing me omg it's just despicable. I.m relieved the ordeal is over but now there is the funeral, selling the condo and furniture and settling his bills. She has poa so it's all hers. She loves all the power and control and to feel so important. I barely survived this grueling experience!
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No on person can really give you an answer for how you feel. You may want to look past your feelings as hard as that is and just be there remembering who he was.
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ColoradoProud,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you followed your heart and did what was best for you.

You absolutely did not need to be there when he died. You are right by saying that you have done enough.

You were there the most by being your dad’s caregiver. Your sister was quite capable of handling his last hours. She was on her power trip. Your dad knew that you were there for him during all of his times of need.

I am sorry that your sister had an outburst. You were a wonderful caregiver to look out for your dad up into the end by asking about medication.

As you said, now comes the grieving and going forward with funeral plans. I surely hope your sister will behave herself. She hasn’t been very kind to you.

Sending you a bazillion hugs! Please lean on this forum for support. Take care. 💗
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you so much. This forum has helped me so much, you have no idea! I have felt very alone and lost sometimes with my emotions, not knowing if i was going crazy or not with my wacko sister!! In my gut, my heart, my intuition, i knew i wasnt a troublemaker or interfering. It was just who i am to care toouch and ask questions.
So now i am going to sit back and tell her she can decide what clothes to put on him, which picture and what to write for obituary, and what to do with all of his belongings which he instructed to give to salvation army. I dont have the need for control and power she does, so she can have it all!!
Everyone who has posted has helped me stay grounded and centered and have clarity on many issues. For that i am so grateful!.
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I’m so sorry for your loss coloradoproud. Sending you a big hug & the strength to deal with your sister. At times like this, people really show you who they are. And yes you did enough, you did more than enough.
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ColoradoProud, I am sorry you had to go through this but your dad is at rest and you don't have that memory. ((Hugs))
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
So sweet to tell ColoradoProud this message. Just a sweet way to express this sentiment. Thanks for your post.
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ColoradoProud,
We all feel for your loss and are here for support, if needed. I personally send you prayers and hugs!
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you so much. I am so grateful for everyone's understanding, kindness and compassion. It helps so much!!
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CP, my condolences for your loss.

May God give you strength and grieving mercies during this time.

You spent 3 months on this journey with your dad, don't let anyone minimize how very much that meant to him or you. You gave of yourself when it mattered the most.

FYI, POA ends upon death, so your sister doesn't have the power. His will should say who the executors(s) will be. If you are named and don't want to do it, you can refuse. Just so you know.

Take care of you and your heart right now, hugs!
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you so much. I am relieved and yet also sad, for all the deep hurt and emotional anguish he caused me and my dear mother. For his lack of ability to ever say he loved me and was grateful or appreciated everything i did for him the last four years since my mom passed and for the three years before that for being with my mom during her journey with alzheimer's...
It's okay now. I understand we all have shortcomings....and i needed to learn acceptance....to accept even the harsh, bitter, angry, hostile, person he was.

I am getting closer to accepting these things and to where it no longer matters what he could or couldn't be for me as a father...
Now the real healing can begin.
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Colorado, I'm so sorry for your loss. Next step is to find the will to figure out the estate. If you don't want to participate and are named as executor or co-, the lawyer can be paid and you just sign. You did such a good job of honoring your dad.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for your kindness. Now the healing can begin. As i try to durround myself with peace, love, Light, goodness and inspiration to others
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You don't have to be there for the "moment" - which is hard to determine the exact timing anyway. Visit with dad to express your love. Do whatever is loving for him and helpful for you.

As an RN, I have been, unfortunately, at many end of life events. Some patients will pass when they are all alone. Some patients will pass when all significant others are gathered around. It appears that they time their moments for whatever is most important to them and helps heir loved ones. So go visit with assurances that it will be ok whenever dad passes.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
OPs dad has already passed.
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It is not for everyone! My sister and I was with mom when she took her last breath! We didn’t want her to be by herself. Our niece who is a nurse was with my MIL recently when she passed. She waited until everyone else left. She had a room full an hour before. If you can’t handle it at this time that is ok! We do what we can!
DL
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Davenport Jan 2020
Dlivense, I agree. EVERY 'passing' person has a unique experience of death as they were a unique soul. I say, celebrate their choices, whether you 'agree' or not (meaning, how "I" would choose to die). My opinion is, respect the social culture in which the passing person was raised; their personal spirituality, and just, well, 'them' (their sacred individuality), etc. Mom has never had faith of any kind (makes me sad, but it's NOT about me), and is afraid of dying. My dad (RIP) was atheist (or so he claimed) basically took himself out to the woods. There was no funeral (WAY too kitsch) or memorial service (ditto)--we could have done it, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Again, my opinion: it's not about the 'survivors', or what they want. It's about respecting the departed, period.
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Despite your rocky relationship with your dad and the ordeal of the last few months (esp dealing with a jerk sibling), my sympathies to you. At least the worst is over now and you can start looking to the future for you.

It is sad that the last moments had to be dealing with a moron, but as you have said, the healing can begin now! You did what you felt was the right thing to do and now you can hold your head up and move on. The nicest part is that going forward you don't ever have to deal with your sister, if you choose not to. That can be such a relief! Just because you share parents doesn't mean you have to share your life (going into it isn't for this topic, but I am done with my OB and if I never see or hear from him again, it won't bother me one iota!)

As someone else said, POAs end at time of death, so that part of her power trip is DONE. It will fall to whoever was named as executor in his will. If it is her, so be it. You can probably get a copy of his will and see for yourself what he wanted done and by whom. If he named you, an attorney can handle a lot of what needs to be done, with you signing. If he has named both of you, you can work through an attorney, to ensure you don't have to deal with her. The less contact, the better.

Take a nice deep breath and exhale a nice big sigh of relief!
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Colorado, please accept my deepest sympathy, you alone know what you have been through, and you have been an Amazing Daugeter and Caregiver to your Father (and your Mom), so don't let anyone take that away from you. Now is the time to grieve and heal, and you don't need to be put under any pressure from your sister, let her take over her duties to your Dad now, you have done your part, the hardest part!

Be there to answer any pointed questions, and don't let her bully you, you can also go "grey rock" if you must, to protect yourself, he assigned her to be his executor for his own reasons, and leave it at that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. Take Care!
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If you are absolutely sure that you will not regret NOT being there when he passes, just make sure that while he is still living you tell him that it's okay for him to go, that you will be okay, that you love him and that he will be with Mom soon.

Even if you don't think he will understand or is even listening to you - be sure to say it, because I believe that they do understand. Even at the final moments, especially in the final moments. I have not lost my parents yet (caring for them both now, Mom is in mid-stage dementia) - but I did loose my husband to cancer a few years ago. Being at his side was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but not being there would have been much, much harder.

That is why I know that when it's their time, I will (hopefully) be at their side telling them that it is okay to go.
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Davenport Jan 2020
NanatoRandS, I agree with your first paragraph ... except that, for me, I'd remove the word 'absolutely'. In my experience, even using my intuition and best judgment, whenever I've dealt with an 'unknown', and a first-time experience/choice, there's no way for being absolutely sure that I 'will' or 'won't' regret it. Some choices are by nature imperfect, and have no 'yes' or 'no' answers. I love this forum.
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NHWM: I know, right in regard to SallyB's advice!
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COProud, I’m very sorry for your loss. Your Dad is finally at peace and with your Mom. You are a wonderful and caring daughter and you were with your Dad when he needed you. Get through what’s required with your sister and then surround yourself with only those that love and support you. Sending hugs.
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My sincere condolences. God Bless you for the caregiving of your dad. All the best to you in the New Year.
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Please do not take anybody's advice because you have to live with the decisions you make. I was with mom when she died and she looked at me, took two deep breaths and died. I never regretted that, and I thank God I was there. Because dead is gone forever. No looking back! Mom was at end-stages of Alzheimer's kept alive with a feeding tube so she never suffered or had to die of horrible dehydration. Mom's death was incredibly peaceful and the hospice nurse never had to open up that comfort kit. But I never regretted being with her to the very end. I thank God I was there. No guilt trips. She had the best of care.

When mom died I felt my role of caregiver was over, and I did not watch her body being removed. I found the most affordable cremation (cost total $800). No services. No need. She was gone. At that moment of death, she was gone and that is that. But while alive I did my very best with her, and she indeed lived a very comfortable life.
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
You are late to the party. The OPs father has passed away.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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