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Everyone is different. If you don't want to be there, don't let people guilt you into thinking you should. I was not present when either of my parents died, and in fact, never saw either one's corpse. I did not want to remember them lying in a coffin so I never viewed the body and both had closed coffin funerals. It is more important how you treated them when they were alive than to be there as they draw their last breath.
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Health4him Dec 2019
Kathy, I handled my parents passing the very same way as you did with both your parents when they passed. I was able to get through the events and carry on with the grieving.
I reminded myself that even a rose doesn’t last forever.
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I can't express just how thankful I was to be able to witness my Mother's passing, my Father's passing and my DH's passing.

I was there when Mom took her last breath - and her pacemaker made her take a deep breath. The nurse was so upset because she was unable to turn it off in time.

I was there when my Father saw my mother before he passed - I shall never forget the joy on his face! He had outlived Mom by 7.5 years.

I was there when my DH stared at the ceiling, all over the ceiling - his family was large and they must have all come for him - he was enthralled by what he was seeing! And I witnessed his first wife coming for him as well. He outlived wife #1 by 33.5 years.

I wouldn't trade a single moment of what I was blessed to witness.
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theguardian Dec 2019
Thank you for helping to restore my faltering faith. My husband passed suddenly without warning while getting into bed. One moment we're planning the next day and he looked deep into my eyes and in a blink he was gone. No amount of CPR I did or paramedics did could bring my beautiful husband back. I've been so angry at God for taking him. I declared to myself for God to be so cruel I wanted no part of Him. The holidays have been brutal...we had no children so it's just me. I lost my dad Sept 2016 and my mom 9 months later. My husband was my world my safe haven. My sister was with my mom when she passed (Alzheimer's)and swears she saw my dad reach his hand out to my mom and say "come on honey lets go" I wanted to believe her with all my being cause the alternative is just too painful. I truly hope when I leave this earthly body my beloved husband will be the one to help me cross over.
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I am so very sorry about your Dad, I know that is going to be rough. However, With a Sister Coming tomorrow, To help Share this Sorrow, You would be Surprised how much Bondding can happen dduring the Death of aLoved One. Pull Together, Don't let animosity Get in the Way, Dad is the One to Focus on now.
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You don’t have to be there. I wasn’t. But I wish I could have been. Work and distance kept me from my dad’s death; my mom passed away in the hospital in the predawn hours while her three daughters were getting a little sleep. Both of my parents died in the hospital where they were on heavy doses of antianxiety and pain meds. They were blessedly out of it.

I’m not tormented by the fact that I wasn’t there, but I wish I had been there when they passed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
They knew you loved them. That is what matters the most.
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Hospice services are required to have volunteers, and some try to have a volunteer present to sit vigil when death is imminent.. Sometimes, often, the hospice nurse is able to say that death is likely to occur in the next few hours. Ask your hospice service, or even family friends, if they can visit to sit vigil when the time comes. But you may find that you want to be there, it's a great privilege and gift, I believe, to be with your parent at this time, if you're able. You don't need to say a word, just be there.
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Zelda53 Dec 2019
Hospice was no help in this respect with my mom. And me. Unfortunately.
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I had planned on being there when my dad passed...I had been by his hospital bed non stop for two weeks.  Sleeping on a cot on the floor.  I decided to leave to get a bite to eat and he passed 30 minutes after I had left.  I was so upset and felt so guilty for leaving him.  It's not like we were close or anything...we had been estranged because of his alcoholism, but it bothered me a lot that I wasn't there when my dad left this earth.  

I wouldn't let your sisters presence be a deciding factor of anything.  If you want to be there, then be there.  If you don't really want to see it, then don't.  Only you know what you can live with.
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If you don't put a feeding tube in them they forget how to eat and drink; it can take 2 to 3 weeks to die of dehydration. Even with morphine is a very slow, agonizing process. Sorry it's the truth.
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theguardian Dec 2019
Seriously is that "truth" necessary? I'm certain coloradoproud has all the medical details of his/her dads condition without you inflicting more pain.
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I always remember the episode of Designing Women when Charlene was waiting for her daughter to be born and was visited by angel Dolly Parton and she says, "In a few minutes you are going to meet the person who will hold your hand and be there when it's your time to die." I am caring for my 94 year old mother and her 96 year old companion while working full time on the night shift. These 2 people have done e everything for me in my life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I basically live here because I don't want me Mom to be here alone if he passes because she went through that with my father. When my father died in 1980, her companion stepped in and took care of her like a queen for 40 years.I was there when my dog took his last breath telling him how much i love him and what a wonderful fur friend he has been and I plan to do the same for my mother and her companion when their time comes. I want them to know how much they mean to me, how much I love them and they are passing from loving arms of home to the loving arms awaiting them in heaven. I consider it to be an honor and a sad pleasure.
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My Dad passed very quickly from heart failure so I was not there. My mother passed away in February from Dementia. I went on night shift at work the night before she passed as I didnt know how long she had left and her stats were ok. I arrived at Nursing home at 9am and she had passed. I was devastated I wasnt with her. I cant seem to get over not being with her. I wanted to be there to hold her so she felt calm and loved. It's up to you what feels right for you but for me it has left me broken hearted. Sending hugs
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My father, and I’ve heard others as well, passed away soon after I left. My stepfather didn’t but basically he just left out a deep breath and was gone. My mother was right there and didn’t even realize he was gone.
I have a difficult sister as well. Let her be there and you leave. Sounds like you’ve done the lion’s share. She might throw a fit but tough for her.

As far as the estate, at least in Ohio by law they HAVE to notify all parties involved so you will be able to find out who the attorney is etc. but she can be a jerk and wait. My idiot step sister waited 3 years, I think hoping her sick brother and or my mother would die in the meantime.
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Frqflyr is right. Say your goodbyes, and Thank him, and tell him how much you love him. Just know that death is okay. It is better for the people who are going than the loved ones who are here left to live on for another moment in time.


Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you mayday. I really Appreciate your feedback.
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I didn't think I wanted to be there when my dad passed, but I am glad that I was although not in the room. Just a thought!

I am truly sorry about your dad and this situation you find yourself in. Please do what you feel comfortable with. Flyer has some very good advice.


Much hugs!
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Hi Colorado. I’m concerned about your health/symptoms you described. Please get yourself checked out ASAP. Could be more than anxiety. Sorry about your Dad. I hope he passes peacefully. Sending you a hug.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I.m Trying to stay calm and composed so if symptoms continue, will get checked. Thx again
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coloradoproud, there are times when a parent may not want anyone in the room when they pass. They want to pass quietly without an audience.

Say your final good-byes to Dad and let him know it is ok to go, that you will be fine. I did that with my Dad, he was in a coma state, and he passed in the wee hours of the morning. His caregiver was with him, and she had called me. For me, I believe my Dad didn't want me to witness his transition.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It helps to hear how others deal with this type of life event.
Sorry to hear about your loss and thks again for sharing. Peace, light and love to you
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My question for you is Is your Dad at all aware of who is there?
If your father is aware and would miss you, I believe you should rethink this, as it is you who would be left with feeling sad about being unable to be there.
If your father is not aware much at all who is there, and is quite medicated, then I think that it is safe to say that you were there for him when you needed to be, and can rest easy about not attending if you wish not to.
The answer to being around Sis is to go grey rock. Be kind, be slow, be simple, be repetitive, be as seldom beside her as you are able politely to be. Take the high road. You will not regret it.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Hi alvadeer, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. He is aware who is there at times and other times is totally out of it, confused, mumbling, making no sense. He isnt heavily medicated, he is only on a fentanyl patch and oxycodone for pain and alprazolam for anxiety. Last night he was doing the gurgling sound and it seems to me that without food for several days now, it would be soon. It has been an exhausting thing to watch and hear about from the hospice and caregivers but most difficult of all has been my sister who somehow finds fault with every good thjng i do and say. So i agree with you about going grey. She keeps asking me to be there tomorrow for cmas with the caregiver but i just cant do it bc i know how it will end. She will find something to criticize me about and it will escalate bc i cant take her bullying me anymore. I just want peace and compassion and understanding in my life. It's hard enough watching this let alone with a psycho di sister lol
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This is a very personal decision.

You've already been through this with your mother, so you know end of life is rarely as depicted on TV. So, if you decide you just can't be there to watch your father die, then say your goodbyes now, and let your sister and hospice nurse(s) be there physically. Just because you may be out of the room doesn't mean you are not "there." That being said, please do not let your relationship with your sister influence your decision. Make up your own mind and let your sister know.

It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey.

All the best to you and your family!
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Pasa18 Dec 2019
Yes: "It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey."
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You answered ur own question, Sister is a control freak. So as such, allow her to take over and make an excuse. Like " So glad ur here. I need to go home for a bit". Before she gets there talk to Dad. Tell him he will be missed and you love him. Make sure you say goodbye. Not I will see u later but goodbye. Then he knows ur OKing him to go and you will be alright.

POA stops at death. Hopefully u and sister can plan his funeral together. If not. and she takes over, let her. After that, the Executor will be in charge once they have Probated the Will. To handle money and creditors, Executor will need a short certificate. Telling u this in case sister is Executor and tries to "take over" before she is allowed. No will, then someone needs to go to Probate and become Administrator.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for your answer and suggestions. Very helpful. I told her i.m not feeling well and cannot be there tomorrow but she keeps pushing it. But i know myself and simply cannot be around her or my dad in his condition, for my mental and emotional health. The last few days i have had a pain in the middle of my back, nausea, pain in my right arm and jaw and a feeling of indigestion. I.m only 61 and in excellent health so i.m guessing it is panic attack symptoms. If i am around her, i will go downhill fast bc she pushes my buttons, so i need to steer clear and taken care of myself! I give give give to my dad and i have to detach now.
The funeral is already arranged bc my dad had it all set up with the burial place etc. And his parents and my mom are there. He even has details of everything in ghe condo he wants donated or given away.
She is executor and has financial poa so with her manipulation, egocentric and other self serving manners, i have no doubt she will try to do something out of line. She has a twin sister that she is estranged from and has had no contact with since before my mom passed. Twisted family dynamics. I.m on okay terms with her twin but hurt that she didnt ask me to join her family for cmas day at least....
The sister with f. Poa wont tell us who the local attorney is, she is such a brat. So who knows how it will all work out. I.m just ready for it to all be over. I don't mean for that to sound brash but it has been exhausting since my mom passed.
Thx again
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I don't blame you for not wanting to be present at the end. I was the 24/7 person for several years for my wife (married very happily for 45 + years) and it was a horrible experience as I stayed with her no matter where we were. Hospice was very helpful. Total time as the 24/7 person was four years plus. I do not recommend caregivers be there at the end, but I would not have had it any other way. To be sure, no one is at fault for not wanting to be there at the end.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. Wow four years is a very long time...i hope you are finding peace, love and joy in new things after your profound loss.
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When your sister arrives, fly the coop! You have done enough. It’s so hard watching someone decline.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much!! Really appreciate your feedback!
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Find a way so you won't be there. When sis shows up high tail it out of there. Is there a friend that you could stay with? Hospice provides respite care paid by Medicare. Ask hospice to get that lined up. Tell them you can't and won't do this. They will find a solution. It won't be the first time they have heard this.
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Thank you very much for your suggestions. Grateful for you sharing. I feel very lost right now and miss my mom very much but i.m sure when the holidays are over, i will be fine. Thx again
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What's the dilemma?

You have been caring for your father for a long, long time and this final ordeal is too much. You don't want to be there.

Your sister is arriving tomorrow, you don't get on with her, and you don't want to be there.

So that's two good reasons to make yourself scarce. Is there any reason you might want to stay?
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coloradoproud Dec 2019
Well....don't really have any reason ...
I.ve had enough of it all. Every visit i would hear how lonely and bored he was. He read 4 different newspapers every day, did his word puzzles, played black jack on his ipad, watched lots of tv and would tell me things about ending his life. I would visit even though he would find a way to demean and criticize me.
Most of the time i would cry all the way home.
Yup i.ve had way more than enough! Thank you for helping me acknowledge it!
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