My daughter is currently living with us which is a great help, but she might leave at the end of the summer to pursue her own interests. I am not sure how to be his wife and caretaker at the same time. I find my patience is thin with the constant repeated questions and need to direct him concerning daily living skills. He does not do well in an institution. We saw that after a rehab situation. I want to keep him home, know that extra care is needed but find that to be hard to find. I have loved and honored him for almost 40 years of marriage and know that an institution will kill him. How do I take care of myself and honor my vow to him to keep him home. My own health is less than stellar. He is 12 years older than me and 83yo. His situation was exasperated by throat cancer and the chemo and radiation he received. He is free of cancer now. He also had kidney cancer 15 years ago and with the one kidney removed he was cured of that. He and I have been through a lot, and I will not abandon him now. He was looked up to by his colleagues in ministry for his clear and convincing statements on justice and mercy. I am tired and concerned and guilty about my own impatience. I, too, am retired clergy.
Why the vow to keep him home? That has nothing to do with your marriage vows, you can take care of him by placing him in a home, with trained caregivers. That is not abandoning him.
As his dementia gets worse he will continue to change, my step-mother no longer knows that she is in MC. She is safe, well fed and cared for, doing just fine.
I agree with Ann Reid just posted:
"You must do your best on his behalf, but NOT by sacrificing your own welfare. A loving marriage doesn’t expect or require that."
Thank you for your input, but maybe a vow is something you have not experienced before. For us, they are sacred.
Many of us have encountered your situation, and at some point or another have come face to face with the realization that the considerations of safety and peace and care by trained 24/7 caregivers are more essential than our own preconceived beliefs that residential care “kills” and home care some how secures the benefit of the client without ultimately causing the increasing insidious decline of the welfare of the caregiver.
In your situation, you are attempting to impose upon yourself all sorts of obligations to be something that you are becoming less and less able to achieve.
A wife marries to “love, honor, and obey”. None of these promises include 24/7 physical care of a disabled, dearly loved human being, larger than yourself, who no longer can participate actively in his/her own care or comprehend the circumstances of life and rationally find solutions for them.
For you- I’ve known many MANY people who were totally and passionately devoted to the people whom they loved, were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that life in residential care would “break their heart”, “kill them” “hasten death”…..you have thought these thoughts, as I did, and believed them as I believed them.
Yet after taking my cherished mother to the residence that became “home”, when a fall in HER HOME (for almost 50 years) caused her to become my full time 24/7/365 care, she instead became a dearly loved member of a comfortable and pleasant society where her physical needs were met, she was able to reveal to her caregivers her once quirky and cheerful personality, and truly LIVED again for 5 1/2 years, with daily visits from family and amused and loving attention from caregivers.
I “abandoned” my mother, with tears streaming down my cheeks, after attempting to “move Heaven and Earth” to keep her at home in my care, only to find that the residential care center that I found for her was able to do far more than I, and do it better.
you must do your best on his behalf, but NOT by sacrificing your own welfare. A loving marriage doesn’t expect or require that.
Your decision making ongoing will become more complicated and much, MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. Just consider, that both he AND YOU have to responsibilities to each other AND TO yourselves. He must now depend on you to make his care decisions based on your Faith and love for him, and for YOU to safely move forward.
I pray daily for “….all whom I love, AND ALL WHO SUFFER”. In your prayer life, be open to accepting the hard solutions as having more value than you may have previously considered.
Hoping that you are blessed with consolation and peace, in whatever you decide.