My DH with dementia seems to be falling for his caregiver.

My GFs father had ALZ. Eventually Mrs. S had to place GFs father in MC. Both in their 80s, she just could not care for him. We were coming back from an appt I had taken Mrs. S to when she asked to stop at the MC. When we walked into the common area Mr. S was bending down to kiss a woman. From what I saw, the woman initiated it but even so it upset Mrs. S. She said she had read where this kind of thing happens but it still hurt.

I am so sorry, your husbands brain is dying. As the disease progresses, IMO, memories continue to be lost. My Mom reverted back to her childhood. We were out one day and met up with one of her friends. The friend asked her how her kids were doing. Mom said "I don't have any kids" very indignantly. I don't know who she thought I was. She had 4. But thats where her mind was, before marriage and kids. I think at times Mom thought I was her mother. A Dementia mind is a weird thing. One dayvthe person has no idea whobyou are, the next day they do. And all we can do is go with the flow and care for them the best we can.

Sorry, but

I was a caregiver years ago, one of my first jobs was for a man with Alzheimer's, his wife had mild cognitive decline. It was my first job, so I was inexperienced. I got attached to him in a caregiving way.

One day he called me his wife, and he called his wife his mother. A few days later the office called and said they where going to send someone else. I explained what happened, and they decided to send younger caregivers there, and not middle aged caregivers, maybe it wouldnt be an issue.

Anyways I was rather hurt by the whole thing, not really anyone's fault, but I do wonder what I could of done differently at times, or if she came to me first , she was rather cold right from the start and I should of tried to warm up to her better, and include her more, not sure if it would of helped.

I don't really have any good answers, but maybe talk to her , and maybe you can join in on there times together.

I can honestly see, why this could be a hurtful situation. But I will say if they have that kind of relationship, you can be sure he is getting good care. Or just enjoy that you have a break.

None of this is anyone's fault, caregivers, yours or your husband's.
Also when my kids where small, I had 4 boys, for me they where animals but always behaved for my parents, or other people. Maybe your husband just feels like he has to behave better around her , to do those personal care things.

My ex husbands dog won't let him put flee stuff on him, but I can with no problem. Not relating you husband to a dog, please don't take it that way. I meaning sometimes outside people can help where others can't.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel hurt when someone you love and spend the vast majority of your life providing care for seems more appreciative of someone's paid efforts than all of yours combined. I can't imagine I wouldn't feel hurt in the same scenario.

Dementia is such an ugly disease. It doesn't just rob a person of their memories and capacity, it also robs those who love them of that person entirely. I've got too many personal anecdotes of friends with relatives in similar situations - grandmothers forgetting grandchildren, wives forgetting husbands and finding new love in memory care.

In his last stage - when my FIL was lucid - he was his "normal self". But we had already talked as a family about how to handle it if he asked why my MIL had not visited him. She passed away 13 years ago. He talked about his mom (who passed 30 years ago), his dad (who passed before I even came into the family), his sisters and brother - only one of them remaining. But I'm struggling to remember if he ever brought up my MIL in the later stage. We never even had to use our planned response. At some point he mixed my SIL up for his "wife" but couldn't remember her name. And then he wasn't sure exactly who my SIL or DH even were (which was odd because he knew who BIL (SIL's DH) and I were).

None of this is his fault. He isn't actively favoring her care over yours on purpose. He just knows that this lady comes in to help him and he appreciates it. He knows that you are always there and I'm guessing he thinks you are supposed to take care of him so he doesn't need to show appreciation? (stupid reasoning I know- but its a connect the dots game) Or even know that appreciation is necessary because you are always there.

Your feelings are valid. Dementia or not - your feelings are valid. And you have a right to feel hurt. Just remember that he isn't doing it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what he is doing.

I'm going to take a page from Geaton's book as well and remind you to protect yourself and him. The nicest people on paper can turn out to the plotting behind your back. My in-laws had two ladies who were professional house cleaners (their own private business - not an agency)that cleaned their home every 2 weeks for YEARS. My MIL was a meticulous housekeeper and did NOT need help but she liked the idea - so their job was literally paid to do nothing.

But when MIL passed away - my SIL and DH went into the home (MIL willed everything of her's directly to her children - and just the house and her annuities to FIL as beneficiary and his name on the deed) and they moved things like MIL's jewelry, clothing, china, and silver into a storage unit. NONE of these things were in any place they cleaned (think closed away in boxes in bigger boxes, in drawers, or up in the very tippy top cabinets or cases in her china cabinet)

It wasn't even a WEEK before the cleaning ladies had gone to FIL to report that MIL's jewelry was missing. The ONLY way they knew about her jewelry in the first place, or after the fact, was if they had been going through the drawers looking for stuff.

There were expensive rugs that SIL and DH had moved into a closet to store - they went missing (FIL could not even GET to this closet). And ALL of the furniture in a room downstairs was moved from the arrangement in which it was placed by MIL for as long as I had been part of the family - all to the outer walls of the room - meaning you didn't see it when you walked by the room. And things were starting to disappear slowly from that room.

They were uncharacteristically angry when SIL and BIL had to move in with FIL.

You have to be very careful with people. We want to trust people who are kind. But they are not always what they seem.

If you search other posts on this forum, you'll see this type of "romantic" delusion is pretty common. I agree that putting up pictures may not help. Talk to him and treat him in the same way she is to see if that makes a difference (FYI this is often a strategy to get people with dementia to cooperate).

I'm hoping that you are your husband's PoA, or that someone is (like an adult child). If so, make sure your husband's dementia diagnosis and incapacity is in his medical history. I'm making this an issue because another common problem with the romance delusion is that sometimes the caregiver becomes a financial abuser. We had this happen to one of our family members who was PoA for her half brother. She hired an (unvetted) very sweet caregiver who turned out to be an experienced financial predator. In the blink of an eye this caregiver had her charge sign over literally everything to her, then she disappeared.

Make sure your husband's credit is frozen. Make sure he doesn't have the ability to give her any passwords or call any investments to withdraw funds or change beneficiaries. Make sure his ID, passport, and any other sensitive paperwork is locked up in the house (including cc's, checkbook, debit/ATM cards, etc).

It is totally understandable that his better treatment of her over you is painful. Yes, just keep reminding yourself that his mind is broken, and be sure to protect the both you, just in case.

If your husband doesn't have a PoA... this needs to happen asap. Then make sure he gets diagnosed by his doctor so it's in his records.

I don’t think putting up pictures of happier times will accomplish anything. It hasn’t in my LO’s case. He just plain can’t make the connection, so I won’t be wasting any more time doing that.

Sit back and enjoy the caregiver. Make her your friend. He’s lucky to have both of you.

He doesn't know any better and doesn't realize he's hurting your feelings. The husband you know is gone now, lost to a disease, sadly. If this caregiver is great, I'd keep her on and not make a big deal about his "crush". You need all the help and respite you can get, so take it, that's my advice. Unless she's returning his affection or acting inappropriately in any way, that is to say.

My condolences for having to deal with all this grief.

Well, this isn't uncommon. Not at all.
So many have reports of their spouse in in-facility care who introduce them as "this nice lady who visits" while they believe that their REAL spouse is one of the women who is a resident nearby in their facility. This is very common.

As we say, with all things dementia, the inhibitions are GONE. If we are honest with ourselves, throughout a long life there have been many times when a mild flirtation, some extra attention paid us when our boring hubby is back home, may turn our heads.

Your hubby has his head turned. And I don't care what you do, you are still his wife who is known to him.

It is kind of sad for sure. And almost endearingly so.
But in all truth, this isn't the man you married. He is something other now. He is your charge to whom you give your care and attention as well as your long-loved spouse.
Me, I am honestly OK with this, you know. I am 81 and my hubby is 83. If some sweet young thing can turn his head, let him enjoy it. We are soon enough dead.

I wish you luck. You are so sweet and kind about this. Your feelings are utterly normal in their confusion, and you express them beautifully. My very best out to you. How lucky he has someone kind.