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I took care of a relative who had a disabling stroke for 2 years. I didn’t have time to entertain visitors, though they showed up anyway. One couple even brought their (uninvited) dog and stayed for 4 exhausting hours - exhausting for the patient and for me.
None of these people ever offered to help with all I had to do, or provided a meal, or did a chore. I suggest that you offer to help the daughter. Take them a meal. Don’t eat their food because the daughter is probably struggling to shop and cook while she acts as care slave to mom. Offer to stay with mom while daughter gets out of the house. Offer to run errands. You’ll be more welcome if you do not add to their burden but lift some of it from their shoulders. They are in crisis mode, and it will continue for a long time.
Suggest to your friend that she move to a care facility rather than expect her daughter to provide care in her home. Friend will make friends there, and she’ll enjoy the more active lifestyle. Then you can visit her whenever you want.
Agreed. Help the daughter and indirectly (directly) you help the person. Bring a meal. Clean up after and wash all the dishes and put them away. Fold a load of laundry while you visit. Don’t expect daughter to entertain you. She gets a break when you are there. See crumbs? Sweep. Or vacuum. Nails need cleaning. Do a little soap and soak and make it fun to clean nails. While you visit. Water the plants. Scoop the cat box. Walk the dog. Dust. Help the caregiver.
You put your post under "elder abuse"......do you really consider it abuse for the daughter to not allow friends to visit mom? It's not enough she's housing, feeding and caring for this woman, she also must be her entertainment committee in order for others to not consider her abusive???
Your friend should seriously move into Assisted Living where she'll have her own apartment and can entertain whomever she'd like whenever she'd like. Then you can talk about how abusive the daughter is for "putting" her mother in a "home".
I am responding to a previous post. The stroke patient is living with and being cared for by the daughter. It is not the "friend's" place to interfere. It has been suggested that said friend discuss care issues and placement with the patient and go over the daughter's head. To suggest that this is the friend's business is absurd. With friends like that, I agree with the daughter that she should not have these busybodies visit. Taking care of mom is a private, family issue. Again I would be very angry with a "friend" interfering in my mom's care.
Do you know for sure that her daughter will not allow visitors? It is possible that your friend has challenges from the stroke that she does not yet want her friends to witness, and she could be using her daughter as an excuse? Or, her daughter may have declined visitors one time, like when her mom was fresh out the hospital, and her mom now assumes that it is “no” all the time? I understand that depression often accompanies stroke, so is it possible that your friend does not want to see anyone right now? As the daughter who has often been used as a scapegoat or misunderstood, I offer these possibilities. So I echo the good advice from others here about calling and offering to take your friend out, or to bring a meal, etc. Hope you are reunited soon!
I am wondering how you know your friend is lonely. Is she able to speak on the phone? In addition to all the other wise input below, I was thinking that if your friend were capable, maybe she would enjoy it if you took her on a drive to to the park or to a religious service--the idea being that your visit takes place mainly outside the house.
Help your friend make arrangements to move to assisted living, where she'll have plenty of social activity and you'll be able to visit without intruding on the daughter's probably limited free time.
When the Church women visited my Mom, I took advantage of it and left the room. I did not entertain them. I agree, offer to sit with friend why daughter runs an errand. Take a dinner. If the stroke did not disable her, take friend out to lunch.
I have been a caregiver so I know how hard it is. I do understand where this daughter is coming from, but I do think its a form of abuse to isolate your friend.
I have a family member who has had a stroke, and this is one of the main reasons why I won't let them live with me.
I don't need a parade of people on my home, aides, therapists and "friends" on top of that?!
Some people also talk too much, they want all the details on how someone is doing texting and calling all the time, as you're trying to go through life and visit your love one every day while working, running a business and more. So if you're a talker, maybe think about how you're adding to the care-givers stress.
Life is hard enough, stop being a burden, be a help to the care giver, or at least stay out of their way.
Some busy-bodies (my dad is one) want all the details so they have something to gossip about. Maybe the stroke patient doesn't want all her friends and community knowing her business and talking about her.
if you want to visit, ask the daughter how you can help her. Bring a case or 6 pack of Ensure the elderly person likes. And a pack of disposable underwear the old person needs. And paper towels and anti bacterial wipes and hand soap, laundry soap, and toilet paper. Ask the daughter the kind of disposable underwear they wear. Do a load of laundry and put it away. Vacuum the living room where the elderly person is. Wash the dishes in the sink while you visit and chat with old person. Wipe down the kitchen countertops and microwave and tidy things while chatting. Make a sandwich for old person for now or later and put in the fridge. Bring the sandwich stuff. Sweep. Scoop the cat box or walk the dog and pick up. Go get specialty pet food from the vet for the pet. Clean old person nails and trim their nails and apply a neutral polish. Dust. Open the windows and let old person smell fresh air and make sure you close before you leave. Organize the fridge and throw out spoiled stuff with daughter’s permission. Sweep the front porch while chatting with old person. Water the plants responsibly. Get in the mail. Clean the guest bathroom and toilet. Look under the sink for cleaning products. Go pick up a prescription or groceries and take old person with you. Take old person for shampoo and haircut at Supercuts and pay. Mow the yard and blow sidewalks if you are able. Or sweep the sidewalks and driveway and chat with old person while doing this. This is how you can be a welcomed guest. Don’t bring plants or flowers that need care. Caregiver is maxed out.
Why doesn’t the daughter like the friends? How do you know she doesn’t like the friends? My mother was very depressed after her stroke and did not want to see anyone for months.
I would maybe look for other signs they may be controlling or abusing her. Financially or psychologically. As others have commented, maybe she just doesn't want to see anyone. But It wouldn't hurt to check it out.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
None of these people ever offered to help with all I had to do, or provided a meal, or did a chore. I suggest that you offer to help the daughter. Take them a meal. Don’t eat their food because the daughter is probably struggling to shop and cook while she acts as care slave to mom. Offer to stay with mom while daughter gets out of the house. Offer to run errands. You’ll be more welcome if you do not add to their burden but lift some of it from their shoulders. They are in crisis mode, and it will continue for a long time.
Suggest to your friend that she move to a care facility rather than expect her daughter to provide care in her home. Friend will make friends there, and she’ll enjoy the more active lifestyle. Then you can visit her whenever you want.
Your friend should seriously move into Assisted Living where she'll have her own apartment and can entertain whomever she'd like whenever she'd like. Then you can talk about how abusive the daughter is for "putting" her mother in a "home".
In addition to all the other wise input below, I was thinking that if your friend were capable, maybe she would enjoy it if you took her on a drive to to the park or to a religious service--the idea being that your visit takes place mainly outside the house.
I have been a caregiver so I know how hard it is. I do understand where this daughter is coming from, but I do think its a form of abuse to isolate your friend.
I don't need a parade of people on my home, aides, therapists and "friends" on top of that?!
Some people also talk too much, they want all the details on how someone is doing texting and calling all the time, as you're trying to go through life and visit your love one every day while working, running a business and more. So if you're a talker, maybe think about how you're adding to the care-givers stress.
Life is hard enough, stop being a burden, be a help to the care giver, or at least stay out of their way.
Maybe the stroke patient doesn't want all her friends and community knowing her business and talking about her.
My mother was very depressed after her stroke and did not want to see anyone for months.