My mom is 84. She cannot ambulate at all without a wheeled chair and someone to push it. She is of sound mind and generally pretty sharp. Her cognitive skills are good other than financial stuff, medication organization, forgetfulness. She has hired caregivers for most of the day with small gaps in time(she generally takes naps during the gap times). Her last caregiver of the day puts her to bed and then she is alone overnight until the next caregiver wakes her up in the morning. My older sister and I are responsible for her care decisions, but she is very independent minded and strong-willed and participates in discussing care decisions too. My sister spends a lot of time with my mom, with extended stays lasting weeks. When my sister is not there, my mom strongly does not want a caregiver staying overnight. But some extended family members have suggested she should never be left alone for extended time and have been giving us a hard time. I am wondering what the legal ramifications are. I have always thought that if my mom did not want anyone overnight, then we should honor her opinion. But now I am wondering if my sister and I would be held legally at fault if something were to happen overnight when no one is there (like a fire or my mom falls out of bed, etc). I've looked up elder law attorneys but it seems like they are very expensive, have a long waiting period for consultations, and my questions are pretty limited to just this (we already had power of attorney and similar paperwork done for financial things). How can I get my legal question answered simply and timely? Does anyone know the legal ramifications? Do we have anything to worry about? My mom would not want us to get in trouble of course.
I'd die trying to get us out, but that would pretty much be the end for both of us. This final scene would be pretty gruesome, but you know, we've both had a good run.
I also find the discussion ageist. Maybe a bit sexist, too.
(Imagine the movie Rear Window except now Jimmie Stewart is legally required to have a full-time babysitter. Blech.)
People in this thread are gathered around a campfire telling scary stories. Every one of us posting here will be dead of something or other before long, and many of these deaths will be drawn-out horrors in places that are happy to cash in on run-amok safetyism.
You know what else isn't safe? Cycling. Horrific stuff happens to cyclists all of the time. Maybe we should get all of these people assessed for mental impairment and have them institutionalized.
There is no perfect safety.
We are all going to die, some more horribly than others.
Deal with it, people. And stop indulging your own death denial by stripping older people of their civil liberties.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
If your mother stays in bed all night you need to make sure she has good working smoke detectors and any other alarm you feel is appropriate for her home, as well as wearing her call button to bed. Until you are her legal guardians or she lives with one of you, you are not liable for what happens in her home.
People who hire someone to do the hands on care or place a parent in a facility are equally capable of loving their parents. They are smart enough to know that it is important to love themselves too.
I only wish that I had found this forum sooner because I could have known this for myself. Being a primary caregiver is very difficult.
OP states that mom doesn’t want help overnight. Why is everyone allowing her to call the shots? Call an agency or private caregiver and hire someone.
I can’t understand why people are afraid to hire additional help. Saying that ‘mom or dad’ don’t want it, isn’t a valid reason not to hire someone.
What can a feeble elderly parent possibly do if a caregiver shows up to deter them from staying?
My husband’s grandfather fired his housekeeper and caregivers on a daily basis. They were instructed to ignore his rants. They did an excellent job and guess what? He got used to them being there and appreciated their help. Even if they don’t appreciate the help. So what! Everyone needs a break! They will surely survive having a caregiver overnight.
Pay the hired staff more than the going rate in this situation. Trust in their ability to handle it. Don’t micromanage the situation, then sit back and allow them to do their job.
I have ABSOLUTELY NO WILLINGNESS to find those workers and deal with their bodily functions decades later. I too can 'look deep inside myself'. I have decided ‘what kind of person’ I am, and is someone with some common sense.
The woman is bedridden. She cannot transfer herself from the bed to the wheelchair.
Who is going to monitor these cameras all night long? What if there's a fire or someone breaks in? A camera is not going to help a bedridden person.
There's two choices here. Either she accepts an overnight caregiver in the house or she goes into a nursing home. There are no other feasible and realistic options here.
when you are old, dependent and frail. (me) No one is in your shoes. Just do what you can and respect her wishes when possible.
We were in this situation. Dad did not want overnight caregivers. We respected his wishes.
I think the difference would be leaving someone mentally incompetent. That shouldn't be done.
If you are competent and bed ridden and a fire starts you call 911 like everyone else.
You must understand that someone unable to act or react to castrophic occurance because of dementia cannot safely be left alone?
I am suggesting using a camera to monitor Mom overnight, which is better than leaving her alone. At least with a camera the daughters can monitor Mom overnight. Maybe she never wakes up. My Mother sleeps all night and never needs assistance overnight. I sleep at her place or an aide does because cognitively she cannot be alone. The lady here says her Mom is cognizant. I know a few people who do this to monitor parents and it works well for them and their situation. Just a suggestion. I understand she's bed bound but how many elderly folks live alone that are either bed bound or can barely get around independently? And how many are in nursing homes and are neglected? Caring for the elderly is not easy that I know for certain. I'm thankful to have this forum!
I think the camera idea is awesome, if not, I would make sure she can reach her phone and it's working good when someone leaves
Mom does not want overnight caregivers. She seems to be able to function during the overnight period. Make sure she has operational smoke alarms in the house and phone next to bed.