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Power of Attorney provides the authority to managed finances but it does not provide any other authority such as directing where someone lives. To do that, you need to be appointed Guardian by the courts.
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"I've been caring for my mom's needs for twelve years, increasingly more and more to do."

Why, why, WHY does this happen so much, where one sibling does all the work?

Who has POA/HCPOA?

Is your mother paying anything to live with you? Is she paying you anything for caregiving? If not, why not?

Realize your older sibs like the way things are now, so they are not going to want anything to change. You won't be able to change them, but you can change what YOU are willing to put up with.
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Make the choice real easy for her.

Choose from;
#1: SHE chooses the AL she likes, or
#2: YOU will choose the AL.
Note: both options include AL 😉

If she really pushes, offer option #3: live on the street

"She does not think that she needs care..." Denial or lack of insight. Common I am afraid.

".. and what she does need should be taken care by me." Entitled thinking based on outdated gender roles. Also common.

"She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me".
Also common. Throwing a fit is usually the way to get one's way, right?

Answer that with empathy-oh well-positive spin eg I am sad too, old age sure sucks, but it will be ok. 😞💩😊

Then add her name to the wait list of the AL she liked.
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Goldstar Sep 2022
What happened to love and compassion? This is a person who birth you, raised you, and loved you unconditionally.

On the streets? Jesus ..
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Do you have the fortitude to stop providing any and all caregiving, as in doing nothing at all for her and you and your husband going on about your lives as if she isn’t there? No doubt incredibly hard to pull off, but she’s a now unwelcome guest in your home, one that’s lashing out at you for needing a change. Can you by your actions or inactions make her see she’s living in the wrong place and it no longer meets her needs? No arguing, just no more help. You don’t owe mom your home, marriage, and life. If she can’t see your need for change, your burnout, that doesn’t make it any less real. Please move forward despite the anger, caring for yourself is not wrong
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Maybe you can get her to go for a respite stay so that you can "go on a trip". Whether you go or not is your choice, but once you get her there, you can tell her that's it, she's staying?
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Legally, your mom is a tenant, and you'd have to evict her if you don't have an active power of attorney that allows you to make these decisions for her. If she's competent and your POA isn't active until she's incompetent, then get ready to go the legal route or wait for a crisis.
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This is why I usually recommend to posters here not to take parents into their home. I hope at least she is paying her fair share of living expenses and rent. Saying all this, I will likely end up taking my mother in and share an apartment if it becomes necessary because she can't afford to live on her own (She's currently with her partner who likely will pass before her). And I'll hope for the best. But if she ends up needing care that I can't provide and is not safe by herself, then she will go to a NH. It sounds like your mother doesn't need NH care yet? She is just belligerent? How much care does she need? If you are doing things she can do for herself, stop doing them. If she is close to needing NH care because she can't do ADL's, call a social worker and let the SW know the situation is becoming too much for you to handle and have the SW assist in finding placement for her.
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My mother fought my brother and I for ten years, she lived alone in the mountains of NC, we live in Florida.

We waited in the wings, she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up, moved her to AL in Fl and sold her house.

Three years later, she loves it, no responsibility, friends, activities. She is 97 and teaches chair aerobics. Go Figure!

If you have the Durable POA, this may be the time to evoke it.

Good Luck
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Lol She's 90, she probably wants to pass in a home and not a NH or AL
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Beatty Sep 2022
Don't they all... like The Queen I suppose..
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LauraMatthew, the vast majority of us grown children had to wait until there was a serious illness or a major fall where 911 was called. After the hospital there is a stay at Rehab.

Usually when one's parent is in Rehab is the best time to look for Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home. That way we can say it is an extension of Rehab. And hopefully one's parent will settle in [fingers crossed].

When a parent moves in with a grown child, or vise versa, there is a change in the parent/child dynamics. The parent becomes the leader and you are viewed once again as the "kid" and what do kids know. Next thing you find out is that Mom has a different way of doing things, and you should follow suit.

I had to deal with my own Mom [98] that way, had to wait for an emergency. On the other hand, Dad accepted caregivers, and it was his idea later on to move to senior living. If only all parents were easy like that.
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Caregiverstress Sep 2022
This unfortunately is exactly my tactic. I live 3000 miles from both parents. My plan was always to move back when they were in their early 80’s because I have an autistic brother who lives in a group home that I will need to be near in the future. I even have an in-law apartment I stay in at my father’s house when I visit that I put a new kitchen into a couple years ago prepping for the day. Then, wham, dad gets an ALZ Dx following a mild stroke and I quickly realize there is NO WAY I can live there with him full time. When I am home I now become his everything person and after 3 weeks I am so done. He refuses to believe anything is wrong and gets very aggressive, screaming, telling me to FO. I know it’s the disease but I can only take so much of that. I have used my POA to wrangle the majority of his finances under my care by putting many bills on auto pay without even telling him because he will go ballistic. Last time I was home I found so many bills, property taxes, and insurance policies left unpaid that I had no choice. He would just say, that’s not due now, when it was due month’s before. Whenever he finds about about one that’s been paid on auto pay he goes mad with rage and screams at me not to touch his money or pay his bills. I try to calmly say “we set this up together when I was home in July and taking care of all the insurance stuff. I can understand why you don’t remember because there was a lot going on and that was a stressful couple of weeks.” Sometimes that works to calm him down a bit and then the next day he may not even remember it. Now of course that’s a lie. We didn’t set it up together but we did have many talks about insurance policies, etc, and he was so confused by it all that I had to make a move. It’s all so difficult. He will never in a million years agree to go into care, and given how belligerent he gets they would probably toss him out anyway. He’s not ready for that phase yet anyway but I can see that we are maybe a year away from him not being able to live at home alone anymore. I like so many others wait for the triggering event that takes it out of my hands and forces a placement. It’s a terrible way to live, but so many of us are constantly choosing between the least bad of all terrible options.
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