My mother is almost unable to walk and having cognitive issues and my father has dementia and falls often. I have 3 children and a husband. We just bought our first house. My older brother who has been living with them for 2 years has decided he can't deal with them anymore and is moving out leaving them alone. He is 63, I am 45. They are unable to care for themselves, my father can no longer drive. I used to live 5 minutes away from them and now since my brother assured me he would take care of them, we have moved 3 hours away. My mother does not want to move here with me and my family, she does not want to let go of her independence and her home. When I think I have convinced her to she changes her mind over and over again.
There is no other way, my other brother died 5 years ago from cancer and has caused her severe depression and cognitive decline that is rapid. She can no longer prepare meals, or set up my dads pills in the pill box. I have no other relatives that can help me or are even alive. What's worse is they don't speak English very well, my mother is very hard of hearing, my father has heart problems and suffers from vertigo. They are very stubborn and determined to do things for themselves but can't. I know this will be a life changing event for my husband and I. They can't afford a senior living facility or any kind of care. My husband is very understanding and positive, I am deeply concerned and worried for them.
I know it is my responsibility to care for them but I also know it is going to be very difficult for all of us to adapt to this change. Can anyone give me some advice? I have started to prepare a room for them in my home, it is my younger daughters room she is moving into a room upstairs for now until we can afford to maybe extend our home and build an add on for them. They refuse to write a will or talk about what their last wishes are, I don't have any type of power of attorney or any guardianship or anything to help them due to their refusal. I love them to death and respect them. Any advice would help and would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
In Texas we have "" Medicaid,""" not Medicare, they will pay for your parents to be in Assisted Living if they have a very small income and a very small number of assets.
Dont take them into your home, I know it's for love but it's a horrible situation to care for elderly who are stubborn and eventually don't know you!
Please get local aging help, it will be best for you and family.
Im 81 and have Alzheimers husband who is 84, I'm placing him in Memory Care after Jan 1st as I just can't give him care he needs. Love doesn't help in these cases, you need physical help.
OP HAS CHANGED HER MIND! THANKS ALL OF YOU WHO GAVE HER A REALITY CHECK!
“Thank you, you are right and reading all these responses has made me change my mind.”
I hope she sticks to that.
(15) You may want a security system to alert you if you LOs leave the house or a security camera in a common area of the home so you can verify they are doing well while you are out of the home.
(16) At some point you are absolutely going to need some respite care, whether that's a few hours so you can attend a child's event or a few days for a family vacation or even so someone can take care of one parent while you attend to the other at a doctor's office, PT visit, or ER trip. Please contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and see what programs or services your parents qualify to receive. Please do not make the assumption like I did that because your parents have resources they will be disqualified from need based criteria; some programs are only based on medical need and/or current income. Many times local ALs provide a few days respite care on a bed available basis. You will probably want to enroll your parents at a couple of places so one will have beds available when you need them.
(17) You will need childcare options too. Children cannot be left alone with dementia patients, at the very least until they develop the emotional maturity to understand what a broken brain means and to cope with any hateful words or actions. They may to be able to physically retreat. My father's vascular dementia created a very aggressive and abusive person who told family members they didn't deserve to carry the family name or he wanted them to die in painful manners and he threw objects across the room. My mother's MCI with short term memory problems has not changed her sweet personality at all. I would not leave even teenagers alone with my father. My 5 year old grand-nephew enjoys daily visits with his great-grandmother showing her his coloring projects and building lego creations on a table in her room while I'm cooking or cleaning in another part of the house and listening in with the baby monitor.
(18) You are going to need develop stress relief methods. Short term daily routines like deep breaths and enjoying a cup of coffee on a porch/deck or maybe a long soaking bath. Longer term ones for a long weekend vacation with your husband and maybe the children.
I helped my mother care for my father with vascular dementia for over a decade before placing him in MC when he required 24/7 care. My mother has lived with me nearly 4 years and was very independent until a fall in Sep 2018 badly damaged her knee; now she relies on a walker and needs assistance with simple things like putting her shoes on and bathing. At some point, I have personally used or addressed every one of the 18 considerations I listed.
I read in one response you are looking at granny pods and I completely endorse a separate nearby residence is better, as I lived across the street from my parents during much of my father's descent into dementia. You can provide direct care for your parents, but it is going to be a difficult balancing act with your own life, marriage, and child rearing responsibilities. Many people on this site started helping their LOs with simple things like housekeeping or shopping and ended up providing full time hands on direct care for an invalid without really making a choice or understanding the impacts on their own life and health. Consider carefully and develop a plan for helping resources so your own life can continue. You, your marriage, and your children's needs for a mother's time and attention matter too. Being an advocate and frequent visitor to parents in an AL may be the best choice for the whole family, even if your parents receive a slightly lower standard of care initially while they have a higher level of function. The only certainty in caring for seniors is their capabilities will decline and their care needs will increase.
I am a mother, age 75, of two adult children, who is concerned for you, husband and children, I am looking into Independent/assisted living/full care facilities for myself SO my children will not be faced with what your parents are doing to you and your brother. Where is their love and concern for you and your brother and your families? I want to avoid putting my children in that situation because I love them to much to leave them with such a burden as to where and how I should live out my life, My children do not live close to me and it would be a burden and hardship on them and my grands and greatgrands to ask them to sacrifice their relationships to care for me when there are perfectly good facilities that can provide for companionship with other seniors (my emotional welfare) and physical needs. One of the facilities offers medicaid auto transfer to those who began residency as private pay when their money runs out, I stayed in one facility for rehab for a month and it was awesome, My husband also was in a facility for a time and he like it as well. Many seniors reject the idea without actually looking into a facility, but once they are living there, the majority of seniors say it was the best decision they ever made.
Good luck and I encourage you to find a facility that will accommodate their current needs and any future health issues they may be facing. In the long run, you would be doing them a very big favor finding them a good facility. These new senior living facilities are not like the old nursing homes of the past. And remember, your parents do not need a lot of money, Medicaid is exactly set up to help those who no longer have the ability to financially care for themselves.
But, IF it is a foregone conclusion that they will be moving in, you MUST, MUST, MUST have help from outside agencies or you will burn out and quickly!!!
Most pharmacies have the service where pills are already separated into little packs separated by date and time. Many pharmacies charge little or nothing for this service.
You can go onto Craigslist or FB Marketplace and find hospital beds, hoyer lifts, pretty much any type of durable medical equipment at bargain prices. The beds and the lifts are very important because you will injure yourself pulling and tugging on them.
It would be a tremendous help to you to have someone coming in daily to help them shower and dress. That is frequently the extremely time consuming issue.
If your father starts wandering, sun-downing or becoming violent, you need to commit to sending him elsewhere as these types of situations are often what drives caregivers up the wall.
Lastly, do NOT get caught up in the trap of doing everything for them and jumping to their every beck and call. This is what causes caregivers to NEVER get any sleep! Elderly people "party all night" and think nothing of waking the house at 3:00 a.m. to "bring me a glass of water" or "come find the remote."
Also realize and accept that you CANNOT COMPLETELY PREVENT your father from falling. If he is at the stage in his life that he falls frequently, you cannot prevent it. You can do a lot of things to lessen the likelihood, but anything short of wrapping him from head to toe in thick padding or sitting 1 foot from him 24/7 and watching and waiting for his every move so that you may catch him, you cannot 100% stop it from happening.
(1) Even if your senior doesn't use a walker or wheelchair, adding a railing or vertical grab bar at the threshold can be very useful. Seniors often have balance or vision problems that complicate a simple threshold step over even without any mobility problems.
(2) Can you easily add an entrance ramp when needed? Ideally you need one foot of length for every one inch of drop. There are aluminum ramps with handrails available for temporary placement.
(3) Doorways need to be at least 32 inches for a narrow wheelchair or a walker; 36 inches is better.
(4) Brighter lights for your hallway, maybe with a battery backup feature. I purchased some led light bulbs with an included battery for the bedroom, hall and bathroom. The battery charges while the electricity is on and can run the light for several hours if there's a power outage.
(5) Remove runners and other small rugs from the home to reduce tripping hazards.
(6) A digital safe large enough to place purses, keys, eyeglasses, medications, firearms, hunting knives, jewelry, or anything else you might not want a dementia patient to be able to access or move.
(7) Water proof mattress pads and pee pod washable pads to protect the bed and furniture from incontinence issues.
(8) Adjustable beds with the ability to raise the entire bed to aid seniors with standing from the bed and you when linen needs changing. You may want to also consider a bed side assist/arm where 2 bars slide under the mattress and 2 feet rest on the floor. There's a similar product you can place in chairs or couches to provide chair "arms" to assist a senior in rising.
(9) A lift chair recliner, particularly if your LOs have shoulder issues or need to regain strength after a fall or surgery. A senior can regain leg strength and balance by standing from an increasing lower chair seat level and performing basic balance exercises while standing in front of the chair and using a walker for balance support.
(10) Some kind of monitor to help you keep an ear out. I use a vtech baby monitor with an intercom feature. It has a nice range so I can hear my mother call out when I in the yard and the intercom lets me tell her I'm on my way back to her. You may want to consider a fall detection personal monitor too. When my grandmother (without any dementia) fell and broke her shoulder, she was wearing a panic button around her neck, but she didn't push the button for at least an hour. We never knew whether she was unconscious from fall of in so much pain she didn't remember the button for a while.
(11) In addition to grab bars in the bath, consider using them in other locations where your senior speeds time or does transitions. I installed grab bars and handrails in my mother's bedroom too.
(12) Make sure the bathroom includes a good heater. I replaced my bathroom light with a light/fan/heater combo. The heater in the ceiling is safer, particularly for a small bath. Seniors often like a very warm bathroom when bathing.
(13) Can you turn a walker or wheelchair in the bathroom? You might need to consider replacing a vanity with a pedestal sink to create more foot room. I also installed wall mounted grab bars on each side of the toilet that fold up against the wall when not in use. Being able to retract the toilet grab bars provided more room for the shower transfer chair when we used it.
(14) I highly recommend the Carousel Sliding Transfer Bench with Swivel Seat. Premium PADDED Bath and Shower Chair with Pivoting Arms. Space Saving Design for Tubs and Shower. Your LO can sit down in the chair seat with both feet on the bathroom floor, then the seat rotates through 90 degrees and slides into the tub as you swing their legs over the bathtub wall. The chair arms provide hold points for the senior while the chair is in motion to help them feel secure, but can be retracted as needed during the bath.
Please go to these “Aging” or “Senior Care” websites and assess/determine what type and how much assistance your parents currently need and will need in the future as their health declines further. Please do this PRIOR to their move into your home.
https://www.seniorhomes.com/impacts-of-aging/
https://www.seniorhomes.com/activities-of-daily-living/
(It is very important that you know which ADLs (activities of daily living) that your parents can and cannot do by themselves or need assistance with prior to them moving into your house. You WILL have to MODIFY your house to accommodate THEIR needs such as first floor bedroom and bathroom, railings so that they can get into your house, furniture that they can get into and out of safely, NO area rugs, No toys on the floor. ETC.)
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/home-modifications/how-to-pay-for-home-mods
(Home modifications are physical changes made to one’s home to accommodate for the changing needs of the elderly or disabled, to enable aging in place. As we age, our mobility and physical strength diminish and many aspects of a home that were once functional become difficult. Home modifications can be as simple as changing water faucet handles from knobs to levers or as comprehensive as the construction of an accessory apartment or elder cottage on the property.)
https://www.sageminder.com/Caregiving/CaregivingBasics/ADLAssessment.aspx
(How to Tell if an Elderly Person Needs More Care at Home)
http://www.canhr.org/RCFE/html/rcfe_assess_need.htm
(Assessment of Need for Community Services & Out-of-Home Placement-- The questions in this guide provide a framework to evaluate the effectiveness of a person’s formal supports (In-Home Supportive Services, case management, etc.), informal supports (family members, friends) and care needs.)
https://assistedlivinglocators.com/senior-needs-assessment-quiz
(Gives you a general recommendation for which type of housing or care may be most appropriate for your loved one.)
https://www.caring.com/senior-living/assisted-living/
(Caring.com discusses several different areas of senior living and is another excellent reference for you to consider BEFORE you move your parents into your house.)
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/types
Types of Senior Care: Definitions and Comparisons
It is EXTREMELY important that your parents designate POAs for financial and medical/health care and write a will (especially if they own any property or business). If your parents continue to refuse to designate POAs, you or your brother will have to petition the courts to be your parents' guardians. This is a lengthy and expensive option, but if your parents refuse to designate POAs, then it may become the ONLY option so that your brother or you can give your parents the best care possible/available.
Your FIRST priority is to TAKE CARE of YOUR FAMILY--YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR CHILDREN. You can assist your parents in finding the best living arrangement for them, but your home/house is NOT the best place for your parents to live.
Do a Google search for area on aging, senior resources for their community.
This truly is the best resource to help you help them.
Okay then. Time to write a reality check.
So basically, you have already decided to take them in. The advice you sought was not what you wanted to hear.
You’re hoping your situation will be the exception and turn out fine. I admire the optimism, but you’re being foolish to not heed these warnings.
You will sacrifice your own family because your parents never thought about their future. They expected you and your brother to just step in and pay for it all and so what if it hurts? That isn’t love! It’s arrogant and selfish. And you’re about to show your own kids a lesson that they will take to adulthood and their own marriages:
1. That their feelings don’t matter.
2. That it’s okay to put your family last, as long as it makes you feel less guilty and less like a bad child.
3. That it’s okay to be a doormat.
4. That even if they have their own family, they should expect their parents to take over anytime.
You may think you’re doing the noble thing by taking them in, but you aren’t. You’re actually punishing your family for your parents’ lack of planning and sense of entitlement. You’re making your husband, marriage and kids suffer so you can feel like a good daughter and not feel guilty. How is this noble?
Please get a needs assessment done by the local area on aging before you make this huge move. It will help you understand what you are facing and they can direct you to services that will help your parents.
Quick fyi in my own situation my parents did not/do not live with me, but for various reasons I won't get into, I still got knocked for a loop. This is despite doing really good ( not perfect lol ) self care. It's the RELENTLESSNESS of having to deal with both and now one parent day after day and on and on on top of other life stuff that really ground me down, I did not anticipate the marathon effect of all of this emotional stress. Don't have this happen to you!
If it's one thing I've learned the past 3 years, it's that no matter what the effort, some situations are just going suck. There's no getting around the lousiness of some things and no way some parents will ever be satisfied. But what one CAN do, is to try to pick options that are going to be LESS BAD all around than the other options. I'm sorry this isn't exactly inspirational, but it is doable! I don't know if the situation with your parents will ever be good, but I highly recommend choosing a road with the least possible amount of personal suffering all around.
Truly wishing you the best!!
I still work full-time. I retire in two years and will move permanently to my own house (about two hours away). I will not take her with me. She will either have to move in with my brother (who ignores her most of the time), or she will have to sell her house and use the proceeds to pay for her care. She even said recently she was willing to take out a reverse mortgage so she doesn't have to move. Whatever! She never cared for her elderly parents when they needed it, had a carefree retirement and did as she pleased leaving their care to her brother. I have adult children and grandchildren, friends, hobbies, and other interests. I am not going to neglect my own life to take care of her.
You cannot care for your folks AND your three kids. No one could! One group or the other will suffer, and it's a guarantee that you will suffer the most. You'll be the most worn down, anxiety-ridden one of all. When you mentally and/or physically break down from this stress-- and it's certain you will, many people on here have-- who will take care of your family then?
90 and 91 is indeed elderly, but it's not unheard of anymore for people to make it to 100. I know an elder who had been at death's doorstep for YEARS, and yet made it to 102. Can you do this for 10 years? When one parent dies before the other, will you be able to care even more for the grieving remaining parent, while you and your kids are grieving too? Let's say they live 5 more years. I'd assume at least one of your kids will be a teenager by then. The older kids get, the more Mom is driving them and attending their lessons, games, activities, etc. You won't be able to leave either parent alone for any length of time, not even 10 minutes. How will you work that out?
Would you like to go on a family vacation, even a short one, in the next 5-10 years, while kids are able to appreciate it and make fun memories? That isn't going to happen now. You won't be able to leave the parents or take them with you. Who would be able to stay with them for a week while you all left? Likely no one.
Remember when your kids were babies in diapers and all the hands-on work that took? Yes you loved them and did it out of love, but it also wore you out! But the kids grew and got able to do some things on their own. Your parents at this age will become your babies now... and instead of a small human you could cradle in your arms, these are going to be adult-sized people who may resist you taking care of them that way. And it will not get better.
You know deep down this is not what you want to do. It's okay and doesn't make you a bad daughter. You'd be a bad daughter if you didn't care what happened to them. If they deserve the best care possible, you alone can't give that to them.
You are opening up a hornet's nest that is going to sting you a million times over, that's for sure.
But, you will see that for yourself in short order. What is needed here is an entire TEAM of care givers working 24/7 in order to care for your folks. You've been given great advice on how to go about getting the financial help you need to place your folks in Skilled Nursing.
When you are at the end of your rope, that's when you'll get the ball rolling. In the meantime, wishing you all the best of luck!
With that in mind, I am offering you some ideas that I looked into when I started thinking about having my mom come live with me. Ultimately these ideas didn’t work for me, but I know people that used them successfully. All focus on giving your folks more space than your daughter’s bedroom. (Imho it will cause your daughter to be resentful and your parents to lose autonomy). The disadvantages involve zoning considerations, funding, and the need to still provide 24/7 care without becoming a nervous wreck.
- Convert your garage or build an addition to your house before they move in! If you can get your parents to sell their house then perhaps the proceeds could be used for this purpose. It has the advantages of giving them their own space and a certain degree of independence. Also, if you can establish boundaries then you MIGHT be able to maintain some semblance of autonomy over your own home and family. Finally, if done well it could increase the value of your home.
- Some states (eg Virginia) allow for Granny Pods or MEDCottages to be temporarily moved onto the homeowners property despite local zoning restrictions. These pods are really like small medical suites designed for the elderly. In addition to checking with your local Agency on Aging, here is a site that describes how they work: http://www.programsforelderly.com/housing-granny-pod-medcottage-senior-housing.php
Your first step is to get them seen by an elder or family law attorney where they live to get their paperwork in order. Only an attorney can help you set things in the right direction and help you avoid costly mistakes.
There are dreadful floods across the lands and the father Eagle must move his 2 fledglings from their nest on the Island, or they will drown. He begins across the raging waters with his first chick in his talons. "Will you alike carry me to safety when I am old and weak?" asks the father of the baby bird. "Oh, yes, Father", replies the babe. " I promise you that I will". The eagle promptly drops this chick into the raging waters where it quickly perishes. He returns to the nest for chick number two. In carrying this last baby across the raging waters the father asks "When I am old and frail will you alike rescue ME, as I now save you". The chick replies "Father, I am so sorry. I cannot. But I promise you that I will save my OWN chicks, as you are saving me". This chick the eagle proudly saves.
I think from your letter that you will do little thinking about your ability to "fix everything" and to "make it all right" and to "do it all". It seems you have been raised to believe you have no choice in this. I wish you the very best of good luck moving forward. I know you will get a lot of day to day good advice on the forum from those who have "been there".
Additions will create high heating bills, higher water bills, extra TV cable box, and let's now forget about groceries.
My parents lived literally around the corner. Everytime the telephone rang, my heart would skip a beat wondering who fell, or what items they need from the stores. It got to a point where I needed to use on-line grocery shopping and use either curb side pack-up or home delivery. This was a godsend for me.
Oh my gosh the doctor appointments. It wasn't easy getting time off from work [my boss was the "Devil who wear Prada"]. I did find setting up back-to-back appointments did help even if it meant the whole afternoon. Primary doctor... dentist... dermatologist.... urologist.... eye doctor/new glasses.... hearing-aid places [went to almost a half dozen as my Mom thought there was a miracle hearing aid just for her].... foot doctor... ENT [ears, nose, and throat]... cardiologist... mamograms [my Mom was 97 and still had those x-rays] Then there is the "Elder Law Attorney",... and the CPA. Oh, don't forget hair cuts/salon, and clothes shopping. Are we having fun yet? Heck, I was a senior citizen trying to help much older senior citizens.
Please plan wisely.
Ha! That's the case for many of us too! I didn't live around the corner, and thankfully didn't get too many calls, but when she did call, it was the broken record (asking/saying the same thing over and over!) Trying to keep up with groceries was not fun - I did try the home delivery once, but given that she was not really cooking anymore (likely couldn't follow recipe or her usual cooking), she was resorting to frozen dinners and boxed crap. I also tried making batches of food and bringing that, but it was never enough to get through a week or two (1.5 hour trip one way.) She would also ask for items that she didn't really need because she put the previous ones away and forgot about them (TP, paper towels, plastic wrap/bags, etc)
In a post some time ago when I mentioned retirement, someone lambasted me. My reply was "retirement" means I no longer go to a job outside the home daily for income. This is NO retirement! Even though we have moved her to MC, I still have to manage everything, schedule and pay for everything, monitor supplies not provided and pickup/deliver, etc. There is still a lot to do even without the hands-on (which I could not physically do anyway, so that wasn't an option!) I chide YB, who is 10 years younger. Mom and dad had a GREAT retirement, travel, snow-bird to FL in winter, doing what they wanted when they wanted for MANY years! By the time he retires, she will likely be gone (she's 96 now) and he will be parent "free" at that point. Other brother isn't local, so he's pretty much off the hook too. Me? No retirement, just a different part-time job. Every time I plan some little outing (grocery store?) I get a call about something to do with mom. :-(
While OP is much younger, this is going to potentially destroy her "happy" home! Seems the majority have voted thumbs down (1 or 2 holdouts?)
This sentence is exactly why this arrangement is doomed. I haven't even read the responses because I know they are all telling you this is a horrible idea.
Your parents are not going to move in with you and be kind and helpful -- they are going to be disruptive and difficult unless and until you do what they want -- the way they want. Bottom line, they are going to want their life back -- their life from 30 years ago when they were able to get around and do for themselves. Their frustration with the way their life is now . . . .WILL be taken out on you . . . . .AND YOUR CHILDREN. I promise you, they will be a toxic presence in your home.
Talk with your brother. He has been the one in the trenches doing this work for years. See what ideas he has. There has to be a living situation that will work -- assisted living, senior housing of some sort, Medicare, local charities, something! . . . . .keep brainstorming until you find the answer. But living in your home, is not the answer. Learn from all of us.
Their care was too much for your brother, who ONLY had them to take care of - not a family as well. This is critical information for you to understand.
Best of luck, this will be hard no matter what direction you go.