My father recently had a brain hemorrhage 2 months ago. His left brain was affected and has Wernicke’s aphasia and a good portion of memory loss. His speech has been getting slightly better but his understanding of the world such as what is a wife, child, niece, cousin is still confusing to him, he also can’t read or write now. Today I helped him trim his beard because he had been asking for someone to help him. While doing so he stated, “How can I pay you for doing this?” I replied with, “nothing” because he’s my dad and he doesn’t need to pay me anything. He replied with, "I wish I could give you whatever you want, whatever you need I’ll give you.” I then ask, like what, “He then goes, I don’t know sex!” I immediately froze and got extremely uncomfortable. I then told him, “dad I’m your daughter!! That’s gross, you know I’m your daughter right?” He kind of gave me a blank stare and then laughed saying yeah I know, I then questioned him again, “Do you though? You know I’m your daughter right??! I’m not your wife, you have one, and she’s at the store”. My mother had gone to the store and when she returned I told her what happened. She immediately pulled him aside and told him, “You cannot say that to your child! That’s not okay! And completely off limits to speak that to your daughter like that!” He told her that he was joking and didn’t mean it for real. My mother stated that whether it was a joke or not that’s inappropriate.I know my dad has in the past confused me for his wife because I look just like my mother. He at one point had no clue who my mom or I was one night. I know that dementia and strokes can affect the brain. I think I’m just having a hard time getting over this. After my mother told my dad that what he did was a big mistake and he saw me crying, he started balling crying saying “he didn’t mean to hurt me, it was just a joke and that wasn’t ever his true intention.” After the incident he started having hallucinations and panic attacks (which he has here and there) and we had to give him his anti-psychotic meds that he’s taking right now (seroquel). He’s also on Prozac for the depression. It’s a lot for me and my mother to handle as my dad was such a smart man and was the best dad I could ever have. I’m now 40 and to watch my dad’s mind and behavior get ripped away is the worse thing. I cry a lot hoping my original dad will come back to me and my mom. My dad is about to be 76 next month and before the stroke he was starting to show signs of dementia but it wasn’t enough for a stranger to really notice. Now that the stroke occurred, it has made the dementia 10x worse and I pray that he can turn around and get better. I’m going to always be there for my dad but I don’t know how to keep my mind from going crazy. How do I get past this helplessness feeling?
I see you are going into the medical field, so this will actually be a little easier intellectually for you. Emotionally? Each of these little incidents will be insults to your heart, but not because he wants to hurt you, just because it is a reminder of the loss to come. I agree that therapy is a great idea.
That was very sweet and beautiful way for him to thank you. Try to remember his words like these at least as much as the upsetting ones. Be glad that he could still feel and express love and gratitude.
To your mom I would say there’s no point in yelling at him about things he can no longer understand. My mom did the same to my dad and it never helped.
best wishes on your learning and caring journey
I'm sorry you're all going thru such a difficult situation. Understanding the condition in your head and your heart are 2 different matters, I know.
Best of luck to you.
Your father obviously didn't remember that you were his daughter when he made that comment, And he can't help that. His brain is permanently broken and will NEVER get better only worse, and that is the sad truth.
My late husband had a massive left side stroke that left him with aphasia and at first he didn't remember that I was his wife or that he loved me, but over time he did at least remember that, but had permanent disabilities until he died including developing dementia.
I would recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day to start and then watch many of Teepa Snow's videos as she is a dementia expert.
So now it's time for you to stand strong for your mother and your father and not take things so personally, as this is no longer about you but your father and what he is going through. And you and your mother get educated about dementia so you'll be better prepared for what lies ahead.
I wish you the very best as you walk this very difficult journey with your father.
I visit mom once per week. Often, mom doesn't seem to know who I am. My sister visits almost every day, and mom rarely forgets her. Our brothers visit less often, and mom gets confused about who they are (or, for the brother who lives in another state, about his existence).
Coping with this requires self-work, not changing mom.
You need now to educate yourself as to what that means.
Your father is no longer capable of acting and reacting and recognizing. His brain is "broken".
There is not going to be a "turnaround" from this.
This is now what it will be until the end.
Your father is not the man you knew as your father.
It is time now for you to educate yourself about dementia and about the brain. I would encourage you to seek the help of social workers involved with your father's care to tell them what you have just told us.
If this cannot happen, then I encourage you to sign on with a GOOD COGNITIVE THERAPIST for in person visits to discuss this. The level of knowledge about the brain, and what can happen to change it, is crucial now to your well-being.
PLEASE get help. Your father can in no way change what has happened to his brain, and the changes it has undergone. But YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR OWN, and you must do that to bring some level of peace, knowledge, and understanding into your world.
PLEASE GET HELP.
And begin by reading all you can about Dementia.
I would recommend to you a recent book written by Bruce Willis's wife, about his decent into dementia, and about the effect it had on herself and her their two young children. While this family, as luck would have it, has the funds to provide care 24/7 to Mr Willis, who now lives on the property but removed from the family unit, who comes and goes, has funds that we in the "real world" (if you will) DON'T have, the facts of the illness he has--the dementia--are not different. He is not the man his wife married. He is not the dad his young children remember. And he never will be again. The book is The Unexpected Journey by Emma Heming Willis.
I am so sorry for all your Dad is going through, and for your grief. But education and understanding will help you enormously.