My MIL had cancer. She died. FIL hooked up with his old childhood neighbor who happened to be volunteering at the hospital where my MIL died and she moved into his home just a few weeks after my dear MIL died. She was a widow. They had gone to school together as children but was a complete stranger to us.
Shortly afterwards they moved several states away and we haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He tried to force the new woman in his life down our throats immediately after my MIL died. We couldn’t even grieve as a family. It was awful. If he wanted to be with her, that’s fine. We wanted time to mourn our loss.
We didn’t begrudge him from moving on with his life. We only wanted to grieve properly and get to know the other woman in time.
This other woman wanted to be ‘Queen Bee’ which is odd to me. She couldn’t accept that we needed to grieve a mother that we were very close to. She wanted to be instant mom to us and grandma to our kids. It was awkward and weird. If things had been able to develop naturally it would have been different.
He allowed her to dominate him. We ended up seeing her true colors and she had a nasty personality.
She told him to jump and he asked how high? She constantly lied. She caused a lot of trouble and grief. He is at fault too. He went along with it so he wouldn’t lose her. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t do everything she asked for.
They traveled extensively and bought a new home, etc.
He hasn’t spoken to us in over 25 years. Well, his lady friend finally died at 95 years old and he moved back to our home town of Louisiana in an assisted living facility about an hour away.
He called my husband and left a message to call him back. My husband has very conflicted feelings. My husband wasn’t even going to call back. I mentioned that he may not want to have regrets so he decided to call him.
My husband is hurt because his dad threw us out like garbage and now is telling my husband that he misses him and wants to see him. I told him that I support whatever he decides.
His father is 96 years old. I am not interested in seeing him unless my husband wants me to. My husband understands because his dad was very nasty with me. My children feel like grandpa forgot about them. They don’t have any interest in him anymore. Let’s face it. There are hurt feelings. My children would most likely go if they were asked to visit but he is a stranger to them. The oldest daughter remembers him from a small child. The younger daughter doesn’t even remember him.
He hasn’t decided if he wants to see him or not and it is his dad and his choice.
Has anyone else had a strained relationship with an estranged father who has been selfish and neglected their family and now at the end of their life because his lady friend died wants to reconnect? Any suggestions? Advice? Or just thoughts on the topic? Thanks.
Wow! What an insensitive remark. First of all, I am extremely offended by you calling my husband a “grown ass man” who could have picked up the phone and called his dad! Really? You obviously haven’t read the post. We tried OVER AND OVER to lovingly resolve this until we were blue in the face. For your information, his inconsiderate father IN NAME ONLY, did not even tell us that he moved!
He mailed a package to us of ALL the photos of him with his deceased wife, photos of us and our children, to us in the mail and the return address had another state on it! He had a note saying that his new lady friend did not want him to have photos of his family!
When she moved into his house here before they moved out of state she had removed all of his photos, including his grandchildren and put out only pictures of she and him together along with photos of HER family! Rather cold hearted, don’t you think?
I looked up the address on package, tracked down the phone number and my husband DID CALL! He called more than once, INCLUDING SPECIAL DAYS LIKE FATHER’S DAY! Not to mention all of the time we reached out to him before he moved. He moved because his new lady friend isolated him from ALL FRIENDS AND FAMILY! He allowed her to do it!
My husband was the BEST SON IN THE WORLD TO HIM, ALWAYS! He DUMPED US, so please don’t turn this around and say that my husband dumped him and that he was wrong! Geeeez! My husband had a right to stop calling him and feel as he does. It took his dad, after the new lady friend died, 25 years to make contact! So very sad.
My husband did not have the power to make his father act like a DAD again and truly if something doesn’t come from someone’s HEART it doesn’t mean a DAMN thing! He tried, I tried, my kids reached out to him! It was devastating and heartbreaking for all of us while he was living it up and acting like he had NEVER HAD A WIFE BEFORE WHO WAS A FANTASTIC MOTHER TO ALL OF US AND A WONDERFUL WIFE TO HIM!
How unfair that the new woman lived to be 95! This new lady friend refused to marry him because she said she wanted to keep her money from her PREVIOUS HUSBAND to go to her kids and she demanded that he spend all of his money on a big new house and so they could travel the world! I wonder if he was truly happy because money doesn’t make a person happy. Some of my happiest times were when we were just starting out on our journey. It’s relationships, people, that matter the most.
Fine, she could have gotten a prenup and make a will excluding him. They were not in a community property state.
He has lots of money that he inherited from his DECEASED WIFE’S PARENTS! I am glad he saved enough for a posh assisted living facility. All we wanted was a dad and grandpa to love as we always did!!!
His grandfather left money to all of us. He would be so hurt to know that his son in law spent it on a woman that alienated him from his family and friends. At least he was smart enough to keep some money aside. I saw her obituary. I wanted to throw up! She is buried in a fancy mausoleum in the other state. He had his own fancy mausoleum here. These cemeteries are only for the rich! Good for them! Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean a person has class. My MIL had real class. She was authentic! Not a phony!
My MIL is in the mausoleum too but she really didn’t care about such things. She cared about people. She had people at her wake that she was friends with all her life! The funeral was packed with people who truly LOVED my MIL! I heard such beautiful stories.
He took NO TIME TO GRIEVE AND CRIED IN THE NEW WOMAN’S ARMS THE NIGHT HIS WIFE DIED! Telling her that it was finally over because his wife was DEAD! He said he was relieved that he never had to deal with NON HODGKIN’S LYMPHOMA again with her! Fine, but WE LOVED HER AND WERE GRIEVING.
Do you know who told us he did cried in her arms right in front of my FIL? THE NEW WOMAN! She was heartless!
Clearly, you want to hear what you want to hear; you seem to adore the attention and don’t have ANY trouble throwing shade at anyone who says something you don’t like; it’s not just me.
My parents made it very clear to us kids that their relationship with the other was primary to their relationship with us. That is the way it was supposed to be.
When my dad died, we his kids missed him very much, but we were adults, and we didn’t presume that our own sorrow was more important than our mother’s was. It was our place to support her, NOT her place to make us feel better. But then, WE WERE ADULTS.
Maybe your husband should be here and not you. You CLEARLY have taken a position here. If you want to scapegoat a dead woman, go right ahead. But who will you and your husband blame between now and his father’s death?
The new gf and later wife, could hold, and hug, and care for him the way extended family members really cant. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking being there for him. Maybe he needed that crutch. Maybe the wife said I don't want you to be alone after I'm gone.
I think I would tell my significant other that. Go be happy life is to short.
She might have been someone to cling to.
Yes it was very cold to tell son he can finally start his life. Or to shove the new lady friend in your faces like that. That was wrong.Who knows what the new gf was telling him at the time. It was insensitive.
I think son should see him. My mom had a long slow decline. Sibling was trying to turn my mom against me. It was about getting her hands on $. I wish I could have said things to my mom I couldnt do. Sibling was always around. It was almost like she was monitoring the interaction. Almost as if she was trying to block me from my mom. I wouldne be surprised if she told my mom I didn't care. Or mom was asleep when I would visit. I never got that chance.
So I'm for a reunion. At least son can say what he wants to. No regrets. Maybe the dad's new wife wanted to rip him away from his old family. It would remind her that there were people there before her. A family and history she wasnt part of. Of course you were prickly towards her. Why wouldn't you be. So she would probably be prickly back. Still not saying it was right.
I still find myself thinking I'd like to say or ask my mom this or that, and I cant. It's too late. Your husb still has time to close that chapter and maybe have some peace, or just know things weren't left unsaid. Good luck.
Yep, money can destroy relationships. People are what is most important.
He didn’t handle my MIL suffering with Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma very well at all. He wasn’t very supportive.
We couldn’t get the proper medical information from him. So my MIL asked her oncologist to speak directly to us to explain things. She would be unable to speak to us when she was really sick from chemo but wanted us to know what was going on with her.
It was heartbreaking watching her suffer. She had been a vibrant woman, extremely intelligent, graduated with honors with a music degree and taught piano at the university she had attended and also privately.
She had been accepted into Juilliard but turned it down and went to Loyola so she could stay in New Orleans to marry him. She was totally in love with him and devoted to him.
Previously, he held an important job in finance but later in his life after retirement he became very strange as far as not even being able to make simple decisions as where to go out to dinner and so forth. It was like he needed others to make decisions for him.
He was unbelievably influenced by the woman that he became involved with after my MIL died and acted almost as if he had been hypnotized by her. She utterly controlled him. For instance, if we went out to dinner at a favorite restaurant and he ordered food that he ate his entire life and loved and this new woman told him that he shouldn’t order that, that he couldn’t possibly like that, he just wouldn’t order it and ask her what he should order. That’s just weird to be that submissive to someone.
Another example is that he had bad bad knees and no longer worked in his yard planting things. Well, she had belonged to a garden club and insisted that he plant an elaborate rose garden for her and he did it! My MIL would have been so upset to know he did something like that because they had hired someone to do the digging and planting so he wouldn’t injure himself. All kinds of interesting changes in his lifestyle and character. It was like he reinvented himself to suit her. It became very painful for us to watch the transformation that was taking place and truly sad as well.
I don’t know. He had to put the hurt behind him to move on. He felt sad, disappointed in his dad had been a loving and involved husband, father and grandfather. It was confusing to my husband.
It sounds very complicated, but yeah as your husband I'd want to reunite, only because as old as his father is, he doesn't have much time left. That's probably why he contacted y'all. I'm sure he's been afraid to get back in touch, that took a lot of courage to call. But in order for it to work, they'll have to put the past behind them.
My fil was a horrible, nasty drunk who abused my husband as a child so badly that he lost his teeth! They did eventually reunite, 21 years later, but it took my husband forgiving him - despite my fil denying everything - and my husband even went for [adult] counseling to help him forgive his father. He never forgot, but he never brought it back up after that.
But after that, they spent more time together. His father had quit drinking, and they were able to be close. His father finally passed away, but before he did, he got the opportunity to meet his youngest grandchild.
I am happy that your husband and father were able to have healing. Obviously, that is the ideal situation. When it works out that way, it’s beautiful and meaningful. Every situation is different and nothing is impossible.
I don’t know what will happen. I can’t wish for something. I don’t have a magic wand to wave either. I prayed a lot in the beginning and eventually just let go of hope when nothing happened to resolve the issue. It may be possible now, but who really knows? Not my call, it’s my husband’s decision.
I have been primary caregiver for my mom since 2005, who has always had a relationship with us. She lives with us. We love her. I know how difficult it is to care for someone. I cared for my dad too, also my brother. But to go straight to another woman the night your wife dies is just cold, actually chilling!
Don’t think being angry for 25 years is healthy for anyone. I don’t think he was angry either. He was living it up with his lady friend. Let me explain something. He presented to everyone while MIL was sick with Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that he loved and cared about her. The night his wife died he was crying in another woman’s arms! The same night she died!
He said to me, now I get to live my life as I want to! No more caring for a sick wife. Freaked us out. He apparently was not sincere about his wedding vows, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. The kicker too is he inherited a ton of money from his wife’s parents when they died!
If my grandfather in law knew that he spent that money on his new lady friend immediately after his daughter died, he would be so hurt. He adored his only child, his precious daughter. He treated his son in law very well also.
Who cares how he spent the money though? We were shocked that he threw us away. Just very sad ordeal.
You don’t have to have money to be happy. Some of the happiest times in my life was when I was young, broke, but on a journey. I had goals that I eventually met. Life is a process.
One thing I really want to say is that a long time ago I asked my DH if he could ever speak to his dad again what would he want to say to him? His answer was, “I just want to know why , and then I would say to dad, “Was it worth it, Dad? Was it worth losing a family who loved you so very much and we were there for you through good times and bad times.”
I thought to myself. my husband has a right to feel that way. Well, now he has that chance to speak to his father and he is unsure if he even wants to see him because he feels what is the point? He feels his dad missed out on grandkids and our lives, etc. Maybe my husband feels it’s too little, too late. I’m just not sure. He isn’t sure, so it hangs in limbo. Just a sad situation to me.
When I mentioned recently about regrets, he still seemed unsure. He feels indifferent towards his dad. That I totally do get because all of us feel that way. I think we all already grieved losing him because we hadn’t seen him for so long! He wasn’t a part of our lives anymore. Does that make sense? Let me know if I need to clarify anything please.
I was estranged from my brother and I saw him before he died and I don’t regret seeing him. We found peace. Not sure if hubby can do that. Just don’t know.
It's your husband's decision if he wants to see his father again - but you certainly don't need to be dragged into the matter.
PLEASE KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR NEXT ANSWERS. THE FOLLOWING POSTS HAS TONS OF BLANK SPACE THEN ANSWERS APPEAR AGAIN!
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I don't know. My mother passed away last summer, and sometimes things come up in my mind that I never asked her. There were many years were we had a prickly relationship, although we were never estranged. I am grateful that she and I were finally able to get past all that. Maybe your husband can too, with his father. He doesn’t know how it’s going to feel when it’s too late.
If there is nothing your husband wants to know or to say to him, maybe he shouldn’t go, but I would probably go anyway, just so I would have no regrets. His dad may not live too much longer, and now he’s alone. What is the worst that could happen if his son made the drive to see him?
You and your husband were all grown when his dad remarried. I would hope I would have been happy to see my mom get remarried after my dad died, if she wanted to, on her own time, not her kids.’ I knew a lady whose adult children disapproved of their mother’s remarriage, and like an idiot she deferred to her kids and ultimately died alone.
Your FIL was an adult who had already raised his kids, and life is for the living. I find it hard to blame FIL for grabbing another chance at happiness (trying to, anyway; sounds as if he picked a lemon from the tree of love). If you felt a great loss when his first wife died, imagine his. And some men can’t stand being alone; maybe your FIL was one of them.
Full disclosure: I started dating my husband about 4 months after his wife had passed away. She died of a cancer that she had lived with for 5 years and they knew it was terminal. Before she died she told him to wait for 3 months and then start dating. She loved him that much. We have been married for almost 31 years now.
What’s past is past. I’m not sure what hubby has to lose by seeing his dad. It’s not as if he’s going to have endless opportunities to do that.
What do you think? No matter what happens. I wish you and everyone the best.
Bless you for your love and wisdom in this
Using some of your comments, my take on it:
"Anyway, I feel FIL is somewhat different. He was in a vulnerable position and he allowed her to take advantage of him, emotionally and financially." Despite her trying to wedge her way in, he was the patsy, SHE was behind all the hoopla. When you resisted them, they moved on. Your hubby wasn’t a kid abandoned. They took the hint and moved on with their life. Clearly they weren’t welcome, so how can you blame him for "abandonment?"
As some have noted, many men cannot "cope" without a woman to care for them. My ex married again (poor choice!) after we split. He married again after they split and even was known to cheat on her! He was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, so that side of the family is all gone now.
"I’m glad he is in an assisted living facility and is being looked after. We don’t hate him. The closeness is gone." There is no need to become close, but one can still be civil.
"We haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He made his choice." Again, they moved on because their attempts were rebuffed (the need to grieve loss of MIL was legit and his new SO's behavior was unwelcome so it is understandable that you shut them out.)
"My husband played the voice mail for me. He sounds extremely weak like he is at death’s door. I don’t want my husband to have any regrets about not seeing him before his death is all. I am fully aware that only my husband can decide and I am not going to try to influence him in any certain direction. He needs to figure this out himself. Last time I stepped in to help my children and I were trampled on so...it’s their ballgame. I do support whatever hubby chooses." Yes, this IS his decision and YES you should support whatever he decides to do. Clearly if he chooses to go see his father, you don't have to be involved. It’s between hubby and his dad.
I see no problem with hubby going to visit at least once, to see him and perhaps bury the hatchet. I suspect most of the issue was the second "wife" and she’s out of the picture now. Holding resentment can really wreak havoc on you. You don't have to forget what was done, but it is in the past, over and done with and can be forgiven. My ex's behavior, though he never "left", was abysmal but he was still their father, so I did not discourage contact with him. I did have to play go-between often, because of the emotional baggage he (and his mother) would put on the kids! My ex's mother developed some kind of leukemia and with each round of treatment it got worse until she passed, sometime in her 70s. His sister passed before the mother, with some other cancer and a brain tumor. Dad passed long before and stepdad somewhere in between (had kidney replacement twice.) In some way I think MIL brought that on herself.
"It’s been over 25 years since I’ve spoken to him. It’s terribly sad because we were very close before all of this mess. Neither my husband or myself expect anything different now. I suppose he just wants to see his son before he dies. He is 96. He may live longer or he could die tomorrow." These are the reasons I think perhaps the resentment needs to be set aside - you were all close before MIL's death and this woman wedging herself in. She is gone. It is hard to pick up the pieces after so long, but let hubby make peace with him/the situation and move on.
I do like lablover64’s summary:
“Life is much too short to hold grudges and it does no one any good. Put aside the differences and make your peace while you still can. When your father in law is gone, you will be glad you did.”
You won’t owe the man anything and being the “bigger” person in this instance can be cathartic, for hubby and maybe even you. In the end, it is his decision, just be there to support whatever he decides.
First is just relating in a different way:
Our family "story" was slightly different. Ex's mom and dad split when he was very young. No contact, and while I don't know the circumstances, I sincerely believe that is how his mother wanted it - I believe she kept him away.
Shortly after we married, at a supposed birthday celebration for me, his mom and stepdad dropped the bomb that their (ex and sister's) dad wanted to meet (gap was about 20 years.) They left the decision up to the 3 of us (sister was recently divorced.) Happy birthday to me, eh? Sister basically told me it was the 3 of them for so long (mom+kids) and that I had no say, which suited me fine! They decided the three would meet, mom went along too - probably to help eliminate future visits (domineering type she was!) I was, thankfully, left out!
Sister maintained the most contact, but mostly to get whatever she could from him. At some point shortly after, my ex asked me to meet him at a local restaurant/bar, with no reason given. He was there with his dad. I had no feeling either way, as this really wasn't my business! Of course mom had feelers around town everywhere, so he gets the call that we are to go to their house for a meeting. I told him YOU go, this is NOT any of my business! She was SO angry that the kids would have ANY relationship with him, he had no business after all these years and didn't EARN the right to be a grandfather (I had my daughter prior to one of his rare visits.) I held no animosity to this man or his wife - they did nothing to me. Even if I knew the whole story and he stayed away on his own, there was no logical reason for me to shun these people. They came one Christmas after my son was born too. What am I supposed to do, slam the door in their face, just because MIL held all this resentment??? She would find out and get angry about it every time (usually sister, who was the schmoozer with the dad, would tell mom that we "entertained" him and his wife!) Talk about harboring resentment! Every time she would go ballistic!
So, on to my thoughts about hubby's decision...
Reconnecting might end up being a wonderful thing... or, not so much.
No matter what his choice I'm all for the forgiving thing because it releases us from emotional chains and burdens. However, forgiving does not mean we have to resume a harmful relationship (if that looked like the case). You can still forgive without reconnecting. Forgiveness happens in our hearts
Perhaps your FIL felt so much pain he didn't want to deal with it. A new woman made him feel better about himself and he wasnt faced with the pain of loss every second. Alone in the house. That's why the fast jump. I'm not saying that is right at all. Sounds like what he did. I doubt it was done to dishonor his wife. It was done so he didn't have to deal with the constant pain so much. To not feel so alone. He had something to do.
If your husband wants to see him it might be cathartic. Your husband can tell him exactly how he and your family was treated. Get it off his chest. He might not want to go back after that. At least he can tell his dad. Maybe just say it over the phone.
Who knows what we would do or feel when deep grief strikes. Esp being older and feeling like time is running out. The woman made him feel alive and needed again. With goals and dreams and actions. Not like a grieving mate to be pitied. With the grief always there, no end in sight, rattling around in an empty house alone with everything to remind him of his deceased wife. Again not saying it's right, but probably why he did it.
Good luck whatever your husb decides.
He made the choice, not us. We tried numerous times to have healing. This wasn’t a mid life crisis for him.
He had a life with my MIL for over 30 years. He presented it as a good life but as soon as she died, he announced that he was going to live his life with a woman who basically controlled him and he allowed her to alienate him from our family. She died and now he says he misses his son. Of course my husband has conflicting feelings. Nevertheless, if my husband wants to go see him I respect that and support him. It is my husband’s choice to make, not mine. I did tell my husband he may want to see him so he will not have any regrets. His dad is 96. I have no idea what he will decide to do.
We don’t hate him. We aren’t bitter. We only wanted to love him as we always had. He is the one who left us. But we seriously doubt he wants to apologize. In his eyes, he did nothing wrong. He isn’t a humble man, never was.
My mother refused to see my dad when he was dying, and then he died. My mother has had guilt now for 25 years over what he wanted to say to her. I can only guess his intent. We will never know. It is a long time to wonder and wait. Think about it.
His father dealt with the loss of his wife the best way he could, most likely. These are two separate issues, how he moved on and his late-life desire to reconnect.
Forgiveness can be liberating for your husband and a gift to his father that will be noted by the Father of us all. Some never get that chance.
We deserved to grieve privately about my MIL. Neither FIL or new live in woman, (living in same house as MIL until he bought her a new house) respected that and they were offended that we were not fawning over this woman who was a stranger.
She was very pushy. Tried to take over our lives. Asked me to hosts elaborate dinners so she could dine at my table with us. It was just weird.
We were grieving and she wanted to party, celebrate her existence with us! Who the hell does that after someone loses a loved one?
Well, we didn’t just lose her, we lost FIL too because he abandoned us for this new woman.
He didn’t marry her. He asked her to marry him. She said no because she wanted to keep money from her first husband to give to her kids.
She asked him to spend all his money on her to support her and to travel extensively.
He didn’t grieve for MIL. He even told us to never mention MIL’s name around him again. The new woman never allowed us to see FIL alone.
She never even expressed any condolences about losing MIL. She wanted to be Queen Bee. It was awful.
She would show up at my kid’s school on grandparent’s day. My poor kid was confused because this lady was a stranger.
Kids in kindergarten don’t understand these things. Her teacher said my daughter was writing about it in her daily journal they had at school, and asked me why her grandfather was introducing a new woman to her immediately after her grandma’s death. It was terribly upsetting for her. She missed the grandma she loved.
She wasn’t a likable woman. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t give her whatever she wanted. She was the opposite of my MIL. He fell under her spell and he allowed it.
Thanks for understanding. Appreciate it. Sorry you were treated shabbily. It hurts! But we moved on. If you think about it we lost him a very long time ago. He’s a stranger! He stopped being a father a bazillion years ago. Don’t hate him. Certainly don’t feel close to him.
It’s hubby’s choice and I love hubby. If hubby wants to see him, that’s fine by me. If he doesn’t, fine by me too.
What your FIL did was self centered. What he wanted was more important than allowing a family to grieve. He showed no respect for his late wife. I doubt if he has changed.
Life is much too short to hold grudges and it does no one any good. Put aside the differences and make your peace while you still can. When your father in law is gone, you will be glad you did.
I am so glad that you had a wonderful reunion. That is priceless.
I support whatever my husband decides. Yes, when things go wrong it is very awkward for everyone concerned.
It sounds as if his dad is having regrets about choices. Maybe he will apologize? In any case, your hubby has the power and control, which is empowering in this situation. Having the support of his family for whatever he decides to do is very reassuring.
I wish you the best!
You are so sweet! I appreciate your kind, thoughtful message.