My FIL has been living with us for the last 5-6 years. He has dementia which is worsening. Recently he has become incontinent of urine and stool, having frequent falls and his confusion is worse. He has a caregiver during the day. My husband is burned out and resentful (as am I). He can hardly stand to talk to him anymore. My FIL has always been a very stubborn man and is an alcoholic. Initially we decided to let him have his wine but with all the recent issues I’ve decided to wean him off with his doctors approval. On top of this we work full time and have two kids. I think my husband has incredible guilt about placing him in a home because he knows his dad’s wishes were always to stay home but I think at this point he would get better care in a professional setting. I’ve tried explaining this to him stating we can’t think about what he wants anymore. We have to think about what’s best for him.
My husband is not flat out against it but I’m definitley sensing resistance. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I literally came home this morning after working 14 hours to him covered in feces, wearing underwear on the outside of his pants, refusing to get bathed because his caregiver took his wine away. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to persuade my husband to see we are getting in over our heads? I really don’t want to be “that wife” that makes him choose between his dad or his wife/family. Despite all of this we do have a good marriage but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope here.
We just had a family gathering at the nursing home.
Dad was asking for wine with the meal. So my brother brought 2 bottles of non alcoholic red wine. He had the bottle covered so you couldn’t see the label. It looked like wine, smelled and tasted like wine. Dad was happy. He had not had a drink for 5 months. He never said anything about it except to thank us.
Your husband's priority is you and his children. His Dad needs more care than you can give. It is no longer what he wants, its what he needs. So much will be taken off your shoulders if he goes into NH. He will be fed and clean. You can use the doctors there so no more appts. If on Medicaid, footdoctor, dentist and eye doctor will come to him. His laundry will be done for you. You and husband should be enjoying your kids while you can. FIL has had his life. Time for yours.
The elderly have some help from the Government...so to the poor soul who has lost it,Father.. needs medication, and very possibly is a danger to himself..
when the throwing feces thing starts its your Father suffering in his mind.
and he will be medicated in a NH...is money an issue?This is your families home right?....did Dad own his home or does he have means?Is he paying
you all?You see things get worse with Dementia..I saw this in NH when I admitted Dad, I visited everyday...but he died of a UTI toxic shock, in six mos. so our poor parents do not know what is happening in their mind.
Dad had son caregiver die, as he became sick and Dad was then taken to a NH...not a very good ending for me his daughter......although I add that Dad was not disruptive just needed the ADLs....so I could not take care of him..but maybe I should have employed caretakers in the home.
dont know...he was 98 yrs when he passed and son was 69 yrs.
If he wants dad at home then he can deal with the feces and incontinence issues solo.
I have a huge issue with seniors that insist on staying at home in some one else's house. If he was able to live in his own house and hire all the help he needs then this becomes an option. But he guit living at home 5-6 years ago.
Yes, you opened your home and made him feel comfortable but it is still not his house and he cannot expect to have everyone else compromise their lives for his wants.
It is so unfair to everyone, including dad. Who wants their grandchildren to see them covered in feces, unable to dress properly? Not anyone in their right mind. Give FIL his dignity back and let the pros take care of him.
My grandma was in a NH for 12 years back in the late 70s through the 80s. I know she would have rather died then have us kids see the things we did while my mom tried to care for her at home. That makes me sadder than the years I had to visit her at the nursing home.
I pray your husband sees how the kindest thing to do is not always the easiest.
Ps: if the doctor okays it, most facilities will allow alcohol consumption.
Doctors are suppose to determine what level of care their patients require based on specific assessments that they perform. They calculate how much the patient can do for themselves vs how much care they need from others for things like activities of daily living, such as dressing, bathing and toilet use to things like cognitive functioning, medical diagnosis, etc.
Your FIL’s needs may be met in a memory care Assisted Living facility if his dementia isn’t too advanced, some specialize in only memory care and have specially trained staff and a specially designed and safe environment.
This may be an option that your husband would like better because it won’t look as “institutional.”
I do agree with you, it gets to a point where moving your FIL into a specialized care home will benefit everyone, especially your FIL.
Good facilities will do everything they can to improve his quality of life while minimizing stress.
They will assist and and encourage him to be active with activities specially designed for patients with dementia. The entire environment, everything from the type of furniture, paint colors, background music, even the color of the plates and glasses are specifically designed with managing dementia. He will make new friends, even though you probably can’t imagine that now, the social aspects are also very important.
Have you thought of hiring a senior care, or geriatric care manager? This person would be a huge help to you!!...... presenting you options and with the transition if that is what you chose to do.
You and you husband have done so much for your FIL for so long! He is lucky to have you both!
But diseases progress, and it gets to a point where you can’t provide the care he needs any longer. It isnt helping anyone, nor is it healthy for anyone, having that much stress at home. Your resources are limited in a home compared to a specialized facility where everything is designed for managing the disease, including specially trained staff 24/7.
The other part of all of this is the financial aspect. Sadly, it does come down to money, something I personally believe is unethical. The more money you have the better facility and care. There are financial experts that can help you no matter what his circumstances are.
Good luck! And please be careful, especially if he starts to wander at night. You may need to unplug the stove or take the knobs off so he won’t start a fire!
It is not a good situation for you and your husband -probably too exhausted and burned out to be good spouses or parents, definitely too burned out to be giving dad the much higher level of care his condition is now requiring.
My son might prefer to stay at home and play video games all day but school is in his best interest. Maybe not exactly the same - but you are now the adults in this situation. Do what is clearly best for you all.
you are not putting dad on an ice floe - you will visit, take care of his needs, just not take care of his physical needs - the professionals will.
let us know how it goes.