Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
You are not a terrible person. You are a human who has been pushed to the very end of your wits.
I'm sorry for your family drama/trauma and that it has come to this bs with your marriage.
Stand your ground.
R27
You are definitely NOT a terrible person for being smart enough to know that moving MIL in would be a disaster for you and your children. It is not an option.
As you can tell, the posters on this forum are all behind you standing your ground!!
By the way, if his love for his mother is so great that he would threaten divorce to get his way.... then kick him to the curb so he can take care of her.
Just an idea...keep having all of your grandkids over as much as possible, the more the merrier, maybe your MIL will decide that she needs to live somewhere quieter:)) Tell your husband that his mother has been begging to drive him around in his golf cart, ha! Enjoy your grandkids and most importantly, take care of YOU! Hugs.
Merry Christmas🎄
Your husband, if you don't mind my saying, seems to have some serious mental health issues of his own if he cannot comprehend the impact here. Of course if he goes off to work, it won't be his burden. This is very messy, and finances are not even mentioned. As in how good is the business and can he afford to support you and the kids in a separate household AND take care of mom from a physical and financial standpoint?
And...not only does she have dementia, she is a hoarder?
Look out for you and your kids in this moment. Get to a certified elder law attorney so you are protected financially and they can advise you hopefully on the rest.
Clearly you loved this guy and probably still do to have married and had kids with him...imo, it is one thing to care for parents/inlaws, but it is a totally different game when a spouse is clueless to the impact on the caregiving spouse and household.
I'm glad you say you are going to stand your ground. You will save yourself...and it's like that old story about being on a plane with the oxygen masks...first take care of yourself so you can help others, and for you I assume first in that list would be your kids.
I think its UNFAIR of your husband to threaten divorce when it is not your responsibility to take care of her.
If it means so much to him, suggest he move with her but then remind him that wouldn't work either because he definitely wouldnt have the time to be there for HIS MOTHER!!
Did you tell him that you were divorcing him or keep it under your hat and serve him papers? What do you recommend for the OP? Is it unwise for a woman to tell her husband in case he wants to retaliate?
You have four children (who need to come first), a questionable husband and a business!! Your husband is WAY out of line to threaten divorce over you not wanting his mom to move in!!!
The way I see his thoughtless proposition is definitely LOSE/LOSE, as well as, traumatizing for you!
Divorce- breaking up your family?
OR
Losing yourself, your sanity mind, while also risking the acting-out of your four children- who love and need their mother to be happy and stable!
It is my opinion that his mother needs to move into assisted living or find other arrangements that do not involve DUMPING her care on you. I’m sure there is lots more to this story- I’m so sorry for you:) Where is her husband living these days?
Do not allow his mother to be discharged from the hospital under your care- this would make YOU responsible for her! If he decides to have her released to HIS care- that’s another entire quagmire...Stick up for yourself and don’t be bullied into submission by anyone, ever.
Also, marriage counseling might help your husband wake up and realize what an A$$ he is being to HIS four beautiful children and wife, who absolutely should come first!
Hugs to you!
I see primarily two options presented here by most people: either stand your ground your husband be damned, or give in and yourself be damned. I think there is a third approach to consider. I don’t know what your marriage is like apart from this particular challenge, but if you value it and your husband, my advice is to be honest about your inability to provide futher care in your home, but be kind in your approach to conveying it.
Your previous willingness to have her in your home shows that you are not coming from a place of malice. Like many of us, you are probably coming from a place of being overwhelmed. When we feel overwhelmed, we tend to push things away maybe more forcefully than is required. This seems to be how your husband is reacting by threatening divorce. These are not particularly helpful ways to work as partners in a relationship when facing difficult circumstances.
You both need to cool things down, and work through this with all of the love in your hearts that you can bring to this challenge. That doesn’t mean you have to give in to something you don’t feel equipped to handle. But, there is a kinder way to do this that will result in a stronger marriage going forward, and a less kind way that will result in a weaker marriage going forward. I encourage you both to try to find the kinder way. If you need help figuring out how to do that, a family therapist can be a great support and helper.
I have my own health problems, and am unable to provide care for my husband’s mother who has dementia. My approach has been to let my husband know how much I love his mother and want to be there to care for her, but I just can’t because of my own limitations.
We all have our limitations, and you have to be honest about what yours are. Your husband has limitations too, which is why he probably feels his own guilt that is causing him to put so much pressure on you. Listen to how he is feeling, and have compassion for the very difficult experience he is going through. Kindness, compassion, honesty, and understanding are what will help you both navigate through this challenge as partners and with love. I wish you, and him, and all parties involved, the wisdom to recognize this approach as what is most healthy and caring for everyone.
May you be well!
I hope OP sees this.
^^ There in lies the whole problem^^ ....these guys need to take care of their mother and her medical needs. It's not up to YOU, or their aunt to shoulder this responsibility at all, let alone do it without their help. Everyone is busy in this world with trying to survive. For your husband to think that you have more time on your hands to deal with his mother's issues is beyond ridiculous. DO stand your ground, and call his bluff, too, if you must. He wants a divorce? Does he realize that could mean losing his kids if you play your cards right? Does he realize that will only add to his burden by causing him to have to pay child support instead of just taking on the added responsibility of caring for HIS MOM? Yes. She's your family too, essentially. But he needs to man up and put up. So does his brother. AND the aunt. This is a whole family issue...not something that should fall in one person's lap. Don't do it without knowing that you have a full-system support system. I took care of my own mother for 5 years in my own home and wouldn't change much if I could go back knowing what I learned after the fact, but still....it almost ruined me. I ended up very sick, had a stroke, and developed anxieties. But that was different; she was MY mom.
Go to your local agencies. In my area it's called the ADRC aka; Aging and Disabilities Resource Center. Usually places like this are set up within the courthouse of your town. Ask around, and find the support system you need, and keep asking questions until you have everyone gathered together into the support your MIL will need for the rest of her life. You can do this much without literally taking her in, and just as a person who cares. NOT because your husband painted you into a corner. Give him the information you find to help him get her set up in a facility, then wash your hands of the whole thing. But do not take on the responsibility of taking her into your home and being her caregiver, on top of everything else it sounds like you have to deal with.
you are not terrible person (you said), just suddenly found yourself in "discomfort zone". It's temporary and get used to, sorry. It looks like you are like "my way or high way". What happened with compassion, love, sensitivity and of course care for others. This is your husband's Mom and you said she is in ICU, poor lady. At this moment she should be the most important person in your family. I think your husband is just scared and doesn't know how to solve this problem. What he said , he didn't mean, he just feel pain of this situation and he said painful words. He is looking for help as well, and turned in to you who he loves. It looks like he is good husband, father and son. You said you have a business (busy), gets home 8-9 pm (tired), 4 children (long marriage) and he still cares about his mother. That should be a roll model for every child, especially now in "me-me" generation. Your husband doesn't want to see his Mom left and die alone. He would feel gilt all his life and that is terrible thing. He prefers to have her under his wing and deal with it. I'm sure is harder for you, it's uncomfortable, it's irritable, tiring and etc. But it's your, I mean your and your husband's burden. It's your family. I'm sure you would like to be cared of when you reach such age when you can't take care of yourself, hopefully it will not be painful. Helping out your husband w/his Mom it would be good lesson for your children, how to take care of each other, you just don't leave them somewhere else. Just do "the right thing" and not just "stand my ground", one day you all be proud of yourself. Most likely, this is your first "unpleasant" big thing in your life, but when we age "bad things" are coming from left and right. So, maybe it's your first "test". Since you said (you family) you have business maybe you can afford a "baby sitter" for you MIL just for few hours or something like that. Your children could help you spending time with grandma, especially 18 y.o. I'm sure you have your hand full and you need some time off, no doubt. Maybe his family can chip in financially or giving you break once in a while. Life is not only about fun there are and sad,difficult things that you have to deal with. I have a feeling that if you would be in "bad situation" (God forbid, don't take it personally) your husband would not leave you alone, he would take care of you. Just I'm not sure about you, sorry. I don't want to hurt your feeling just trying to show different prospective. You have nice family, good marriage and please cherish it, don't try to brake it, walk tru the hard times together with your husband, you and all your family are his support. Isn't that what we promise to each when we get married?
All the best to you and your family.
The OP is in a "bad situation" right now. Her husband is not supporting her, he is threatening to divorce her if she does not do what he ways. This is not a good marriage.
you are not terrible person (for what you said), just suddenly found yourself in "not comfortable zone". It's temporary and get used to, sorry. It looks like you are like "my way or high way". What happened with compassion, love, sensitivity and of course care for others. This is your husband's Mom and you said she is in ICU, poor lady. At this moment she should be the most important person in your family. I think your husband is just scared and doesn't know how to solve this problem. What he said , he didn't mean, he just feel pain of this situation and he said painful words. He is looking for help as well, and turned in to you who he loves. It looks like he is good husband, father and son. You said you have a business (busy), gets home 8-9 pm (tired), 4 children (long marriage) and he still cares about his mother. That should be a roll model for every child, especially now in "me-me" generation. Your husband doesn't want to see his Mom left and die alone. He would feel gilt all his life and that is terrible thing. He prefers to have her under his wing and deal with it. I'm sure is harder for you, it's uncomfortable, it's irritable, tiring and etc. But it's your, I mean your and your husband's burden. It's your family. I'm sure you would like to be cared of when you reach such age when you can't take care of yourself, hopefully it will not be painful. Helping out your husband w/his Mom it would be good lesson for your children, how to take care of each other, you just don't leave them somewhere else. Just do "the right thing" and not just "stand my ground", one day you all be proud of yourself. Most likely, this is your first "unpleasant" big thing in your life, but when we age "bad things" are coming from left and right. So, maybe it's your first "test". Since you said (you family) you have business maybe you can afford a "baby sitter" for you MIL just for few hours or something like that. Your children could help you spending time with grandma, especially 18 y.o. I'm sure you have your hand full and you need some time off, no doubt. Maybe his family can chip in financially or giving you break once in a while. Life is not only about fun there are and sad,difficult things that you have to deal with. I have a feeling that if you would be in "bad situation" (God forbid, don't take it personally) your husband would not leave you alone, he would take care of you. Just I'm not sure about you, sorry. I don't want to hurt your feeling just trying to show different prospective. You have nice family, good marriage and please cherish it, don't try to brake it, walk tru the hard times together with your husband, you and all your family are his support. Isn't that what we promise to each when we get married?
All the best to you and your family.
Not to be rude...Quite obviously you’ve never been a caretaker for a demented sick mother-in-law for any period of time. I cared for my cruel demented narcissistic MIL for three years- FIL too and it almost killed me, no kidding!!
It is demanding, life changing and many caretakers die before those they are taking care of! Hugs.