Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
im sure he’d feel differently then.
what I’ve learned is that you absolutely have to consider your own physical and mental health in this. Feeling guilty only serves to weaken you even more.
You have got your hands full as it is!
I would question how much does he really love you if he’s not at all considering your health and your needs?
Folks get guilted into all sorts of stuff because they think they've got an obligation to do uncompensated care of uncooperative elders, at the expense of the care of their minor children and their sanity.
We are here to call BS on that.
No matter what you and hubby do, don’t let this opportunity to get professional advice pass you by.
You want a divorce too if he moves his mother in.
You are both in agreement.
This would be a deal breaker, imo.
My MIL is deceased. My husband loved his mom but he definitely wasn’t a ‘momma’s boy.
My MIL was directly responsible for him not being a ‘momma’s boy. She had three sons and she raised all of them to be independent. Thanks mom.
Yes, I happily called her mom. She was my second mom. Actually. I was closer to her than my own mother. She died too young, only 68, from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I miss her.
I joke - I often try humour with my DH after a horrible argument (a few days later!). But the situation is not a joke. Please update - I truly hope he has his tail between his legs, has begged forgiveness, finished his freak out & now taking steps to assist his parents.
I knew a lady that her husband said, go take a vacation and I'll deal with the kids. Sounds like a nice considerate gesture, but when she went back the next day, less then 24 hours, the locks were changed and he had filed these charges. She never got her twins back and she had supervised visits. All because she went to take a break at his recommendation. Obviously he had it planned and he had a ho on the side, but he did it and deprived her of her children, all legal and lawful because she left her children.
I know someone that lost three kids for the same reason. The judge ended up ruling supervised visitation. Custody was awarded to the father.
Her husband immediately moved his girlfriend that he had on the side into the home before their divorce was even final. The children were devastated.
Tonight is a perfect time for that. imo.
I would be very leery of a husband who chooses his mom over his wife. Hope things work out for you.
However, if this is UNCHARACTERISTIC of him and in general you have a solid marriage with a history of being able to solve problems, then try the mediation route and find out what sources of help for elders are available locally.
If she is currently in the hospital, MAKE SURE that they discharge her to rehab and not "home".
Tell DH that he must insist that letting her go to anyone's home is an "unsafe discharge". Those are the magic words.
NYDaughterInLaw gave really sound advice. I really hope you and your husband work this out but do not hesitate to give him that divorce if he does not change his tune.
Threatening divorce is not a normal response to feeling "overwhelmed" or "terrified". It's extreme. When a man threatens divorce he has probably been thinking it; it doesn't just come out of nowhere. But now he needs you to take care not only of his children but also his mother.
Threatening divorce may be his way to get you to give in and do it all until his kids are out of the house and his mother is dead. And when his dad needs care, guess who your husband thinks is going to do that too or else D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
So, Tracij29, you take $1000 cash out of the bank on Black Friday and get yourself a consultation with the best divorce attorney in town. And you keep your mouth shut about it. If he asks about the money, say it was for Christmas presents. He does not need to know that you spent that money on the best Christmas present you can give yourself and your children: protection from your husband whose a real piece of work.
Sorry to be blunt but I have no respect for men like your husband. What he did was very wrong and unless he sincerely apologizes to you up and down and sideways on Sundays, I urge you to BELIEVE him when he says he will divorce you.
And start socking away cash in case your momma's-boy-husband loses his god@mn mind because he's cracking under pressure. Divorces can get real nasty real fast and you do not want to get caught empty handed with no money. Your husband may drain your bank accounts and then what are you going to do?
She knew not to just barge in, but they were close at hand if she needed them. From time to time, other relatives would take her for short vacations. They lived this way for twelve years. As I said, it's not perfect, but it worked and the marriage survived.
I am on the side of getting my own lawyer ASAP and protecting myself and my children.
Oh, and btw, don't go solving your husband's "mother problem" for him. Bc he won't appreciate that, either, and then you'll be blamed for everything you've done, tried to do, blah blah blah. He needs to take care of his mother starting NOW.