My husband's memory care home supervisor called me yesterday to tell me that he has a girlfriend. Any advice?

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My husband's memory care home supervisor called me yesterday to tell me that he has a girlfriend. Any advice?

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He is not the man you married. He does not know he is married, so he is not cheating. When he sees you, does he know you're his wife and how long you've been married every time he sees you? Or are you a close female friend whose name he doesn't always remember? As my mother's Alzheimer's progressed, she completely forgot being married to my father. She didn't recognize him in pictures; she rewrote her history so that she bought her house on her own (and he paid for almost all of it). My siblings and I could have taken umbrage at this, but there was no point. She wasn't being mean or hurtful. She just didn't know any better, and explaining our father to her didn't have much of an effect. So try not to judge your husband by "normal" standards. His brain is dying. He just wants companionship with someone who doesn't ask much of him. It's not a betrayal. It's a break for you. The staff member was probably just warning you so you wouldn't be shocked if he said something.

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Oh my. I'm so sorry for you.
I take care of my mother. She has her own phone. She's had it since she moved with me over 3 years.
She searches for men on Facebook in the people you may know.
She says they ask to be her friends.
BUT they do not.
We have had 5 scammed so far.
My mom wants companionship .
My husband and I are with her 24/7.
My daughter lives across the yard and comes everyday. So I know it's not because she lonely.
I found out by the way she talks to the men that she is the one that is going after them.
She is like a teenager.
Talks to them one day and telling them she loves them the next.
I asked her how can you love him you barely know him.
Oh no. She says we have been talking for a long time.
Its all in her mind.
Its not fun to see her act so foolish.
I hear thing that make me question at lot of thing while we were growing up.
People are still people even when we get old.
I hope you understand that their mind is not right.

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Why is your mom allowed to be in the internet, searching on Facebook? This seems like something you could control (block).

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There was a movie years ago called Away from Her. In it, a woman with Alzheimer's( Julie Christie) is placed in care and develops a relationship with a man who is also in care. The man's wife (Olympia Dukakis) and the woman's husband (Gordon Pinset) have to deal with that.

Julie Christie's character says to her husband that the relationship she has with the man in care comforts her because "he doesn't expect anything from me." I thought that was particularly poignant. Our family celebrates like it's Christmas when our Alzheimer's patient has a clear moment. We call each other and say "She's still in there!" There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but Julie Christie's character's statement made me realize that we all bring almost a palpable hope that she will be "in" when we visit.

I hope you and your children are able to find comfort that your husband has found a way to feel a little more 'normal' and hopefully safer and attached in his new home. I'm certain that for you all it is one more hard loss in the line of hard losses we suffer when we love someone through this disease.

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You bring up more than one good point here. Relationships are often a product of shared circumstances. Her husband is no longer living the same life she is living. Perhaps the most significant thing that happened that day was what they had for lunch.

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Some pf my loved ones became helpless and dependent and were placed in very apparently nice very very expensive so called memory care by their children. In all 3 of the places where I visited these precious people, caretakers who were to put it as kindly as possible moderatly mentally retaerded were trying to care for demented elderly. What a horrible combination. Their beautiful clothes were constantly accidentally destroyed and or lost. Other belongings would dissappear. They would be wearing somebody else's clothes. Their children readily accepted the explanation that their loved ones were just confused.These precious people were treated like children by people who could not even take good care of themselves much less anybody else.I could go on and on.Thankfully, the sexes were carefully segregated. They were housed with all women. Men were in very seperate buildings. It is just really insane to place men and women together in the same housing,etc. if they are demented.The owners of today's 'memory care" have no wisdom. it was bad enough in the 80's. apparently, things are much worse now.May God have mercy.

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No bobby, things are vastly improved from the 80s. If you haven't personally been involved since the 80s, you should refrain from offering your views.

Facilities are not the optimal choice, but very frequently they are the only choice, so guilting someone because they have had to make that difficult choice is cruel and ranks right up there with emotional abuse.

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PatriceAnne, great big warm hug to you and your family.

I can only imagine how hard that news was to receive. I want to encourage you to remember that this is not your husband betraying you, this is his brain betraying him and everyone that loves him. He can't help what his reality is. Alzheimer's and dementia puts the person in the far past and the right now, that's the extent of their reality.

My grandmother had a series of strokes that left her in full blown dementia over a weekend. She too found a companion in her facility. I was young at the time and I remember that she was happy to have him, it helped her feel more secure? Normal? Who knows what she was really going through, but she was laughing and giggling like a school girl and she was non-verbal before. I personally am happy that she was able to have some joy in the midst of this terrible disease. My granddad on the other hand was livid and very unkind in his refusal to see this as her disease and not her unfaithful heart and bad character. Never once paying attention to the fact that she had steadily regressed until we weren't in her memory. I remember as a 10 year old seeing her lose her life, every single day she was further from the present and I watched as people she loved were erased by that regression, so I encourage you and your children to remember him and not the diseased him, love him in the moment because he can still feel the right now and know if it is a happy moment or not. Don't let this ruin your beautiful memories and the reality of the life that created those memories.

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Very well said. My father also regressed past his life with us and back into his childhood where he had very happy memories.

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Ozzy Osborne was having an "affair" with his housekeeper, he swore up and down he thought she WAS Sharon. When he yelled for Sharon, the other woman came to him, helped him with food, drinks, clothing, whatever. Sharon had actually moved out temporarily! As long as all they do is visit and hold hands, it is harmless, he may think she is you, or he may be reliving times long past. Hopefully the staff at least supervises enough that nothing inappropriate occurs.

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Why would anyone believe or think they are just holding hands? And who is to judge where that line is, if more than holding hands? I believe (do not know the facts) that people with dementia still 'feel' urges and respond to gentle, loving touch, may be stimulated - the brain chemistry changes although I believe a person feels and responds to sensory needs, don't they?

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I am writing from the patients point of view. Four years ago I was diagnosed 1 month before my 57th birthday with early onset Alz. I have read a lot of information on this forum about this very sensitive and personal story about patients with dementia forming relationships in LTC Facilities. I think back to Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor whose husband was institutionalized and formed a relationship with a woman who was also in a memory care unit.

We must understand that at some point the patient doesn't have memories perhaps of being married, and are not with intent cheating on a spouse. but cannot register the significance of their behavior. Yes, it is sad for the spouse to be aware of such a situation that they and their kids are hurt.

I have had a big discussion with my DW and adult children saying when it is time for me to go in to LTC, put me in a facility 100 miles from where we live, so they don't feel like just dropping in everyday. I want them to get on with their lives. I refer to my adult children but I also have a 13 yr old daughter who has not been included yet in this discussion. I want for my DW of 24 yrs to go on and build a new life with another man if that is what she wants, or just feel free to date, and I don't want the kids giving her grief about it. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and she'll have many years ahead of her to enjoy.

About six weeks ago, I on my own chose to give up driving. Yes it has put an extra burden on the family, but I didn't feel safe on the road anymore. I've had the discussion about driving with my Neuro doctor who I've been a patient of since 2005 and every time I have an appointment I've brought the subject up and after she's examined me, we've talked and she's agreed that I could still drive. She told me I'm the first patient in 20 years to bring up the topic, and she believed I would be the first patient who would stop on their own. Tomorrow morning we have a Tele-Med appointment and I will tell her I've put the keys away. I haven't even had an inkling of wanting to drive.

I know I'm declining on a more downward trajectory. I've had a happy life with my DW and family. My hope with my postings over the last four years, as a patients perspective, will help other patients and their family in the way they deal with dementia.
Happy Easter to all.

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Hi John, you've made some excellent points and suggestions. I am also happy to see that you are still getting along well. If I ever have to face this or a similar condition, I hope I have the wisdom to handle the situation as well as you do. Let's hope you retain you mental abilities for a long time!

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Well, they called to give you that shocking news, but did a social worker or anyone else from the facility give you any advice? Or just drop a bomb in your family. What does 'definitely' a couple mean? Is this another facility that is short staffed and not able to watch all the patients appropriately....meaning.... can they assure you nothing intimate is going on?

Memory loss is a terrible disease for those watching it. Patient has no idea what they are doing is wrong. Family has to figure out how to watch their loved one decline. Perhaps the lady's family is feeling the same way you are. Broken brains cannot sort out the reality. Did he still recognize you before the lock down? Have you been to the facility to say hello through the window? Maybe a protected visit like this is called for to see what the decline really is. 5 weeks is a long time with dementia.

Would you consider moving him? If not, this may be the way it is now. Very hard to accept, but reality. Very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

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I read a few of these. Care for 2 incontinent people at home so Ill get to it. Best to talk with paid professionals. Since I was one for 8 years I will answer. The facility has to call the family. They have dementia. The family decides to either let the 2 have a relationship or no I do not want. If you dont want they will move the residents rooms farther apart and instruct caregivers to try and keep them apart. For a spouse or children to be appalled means they never spent time researching dementia. This is dementia. People are sexual beings the experts say and they do find someone else to have sex with. You decide if you feel another resident is taking advantage of them or not in their mental condition. But the facility is required to call.

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I agree the Memory Care Supervisor should have given an explanation.

People with Dementia don't know what they are doing ..... but companionship is important to them. Even just a friend. I don't think you should read into this too much, provided it is just a daytime "friendship". He might even confuse her with you, just for companionship. My mother (86 yrs) with Alzheimer's, was placed into memory care with my father (91 yrs) with Dementia, they shared a room. But she BELIEVED everybody else were her boyfriends at the Mrmory Care facility ..... ! ! ! ! She used to be a shy introvert ..... who would never say or think things like that when we were kids ...... but now she lives in the past ..... 60 yrs ago, in her mind she is still young and beautiful like before she got married (she had black hair & the Elizabeth Taylor looks). She kept on saying the attractive (middle aged) husband of the owner of the Memory Care facility, is hér boyfriend ....... (one sided of course), so we never took it seriously ...... until one day the owner told my Mom "he is actually mý husband" .... and then she saw a tear running down my mom's cheeck ...... then we really realized my Mom lived in her own dream world, really BELIEVING thát (the owner afterwards felt awfull for telling her that). She has a few other "boyfriends" at the home, but we know it is all innocent, as they hardly talk to each other (they don't know what to talk about), they would just sit together (in their own chairs) watching TV together in the communual Lounge, or sitting at the same table together. It is all about companionship ...... (But I must say she is in a very good and specialized Memory Care Home, in South Africa, there are less than 20 residents in the Home, and the staff ratio is 1:2 (one Staff Member for every 2 residents).

Get more info about this so called "girlfriend" relationship, it is most probably completely innocent. Hopefully ♡

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How could it possibly be cruel or in any way wrong to state that demented men and demented women should be housed in very seperate facilities? ? Such sensible measures are just very wise, good, and protective. Why are they no longer being practiced. Also, why should I or anyone be criticized for sying such segregation is necessary? I again want to say clearly and kindly that demented people should be completely and carefully segregated with men and women housed very seperately from each other. Also, hopefully reasonably competent peopl should be hired to wash, clean, care for and do laundry for residents of very expensive care facilities. Love to all

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I'm guessing they are no longer practiced for economy. My father was initially the only man in his memory care unit when they opened up. They wanted to fill one wing first with the limited staff, then expand staff as they expanded residents. He would have been very lonely in the other wing by himself.

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My mother, age 82 with dementia, has a boyfriend in small secured building. He's a good guy, nice daughter and family. We all had Thanksgiving dinner together at a restaurant last year. However, their constant togetherness raised some safety issues. One day when I arrived for a visit, they were in the shower together. Both are extreme fall risks and both need an aide standing by when they shower. But when I told aide and aide's supervisor, both said, "There's nothing we can do. It's a privacy issue. Anyway, we can't watch them every minute." I was shocked at their response, so I communicated up the chain of command. A week later the social worker and nurse sat down with my mother and her friend and told them they must not shower together. Of course by then, mom and friend had forgotten the incident anyway. Another thing I didn't like: the boyfriend has periods of anger, frustration, and depression every day, and aides were all-too-content to allow my mother to deal with the man's emotions all day, every day. Another element: the aides are all from home cultures where you don't confront a man, especially a white man. The aides are actually intimated by the few men in the building. I don't blame them for being intimidated--the men are still over 6 feet tall, still strong. This is just tangential to the original post. But for the original poster, safety issues are involved as well as emotional issues.

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Isn't the facility responsive if a resident is physically or sexually abused? How does this possibility mesh, legally, with privacy issues?

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My I offer another prospective? To me this is a testament to the marriage you shared. His mind knows there’s a missing. Men especially those in warm loving marriages search out that familiar feeling after a spouse is gone. You are not gone, we all understand that but in his mind there is a missing.

My heart goes out to you but it also is temporary. I’ve watched this dynamic play out so many times. Remember, this too will pass. While you can’t be with him, be grateful, yes I said grateful that he is not alone.

MC should be familiar with this very common behavior. What was her real purpose in calling?

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It is not uncommon for a memory care resident to find someone to stay with... especially if they aren't able to be with their spouse anymore- due to separation or death of a spouse. While it may be hard to hear, it is very likely your husband is lonely, so he has found a substitute for you in your absence. It is difficult for you to deal with, but that does show that you two have had a long term close relationship, and he misses you. In his altered mental status, he is dealing with the separation in his own way. Once you are able to do so safely, return to your normal visits- nothing has changed.

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Can't believe it! This EXACT same thing also just happened to me yesterday! I was speechless. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. Married 52 years, my husband has never looked at another woman. Not once. This news put me in shock. But after reading the answers below, I've settled down somewhat. Evidently it happens frequently in these settings.

I have not seen my husband in seven weeks and when the time comes that I can get back in to see him, I will call ahead, as someone recommended below, and tell the supervisor to "get all the women out of the way" because I'm coming in and I'm not in a tolerant mood for nonsense.

When the supervisor called me I asked him to PLEASE discourage what was going on. He said he was already doing that--but he's not there 24/7. He was not happy about it. I asked, "Would you put this in the classification of 'girlfriends'?" He said, "No. But THEY think so!" He said my husband is "flirty". I've never known him to be that way.

Just more to deal with on top of everything else going on in our society right now. Life is upside down. What else Lord?????

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I'm glad you have "settled down somewhat". Knowing your husband has never looked at another woman in the 52 years you have been married should give you all the reassurance you need. At least your husband is finding some happiness in a dismal situation.

P.S. I have stopped asking "What else?" because I don't want the answer!

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I let them know they have two choices. To either have them separated for good or they can only be together in a common area with supervision. The risk of sexual abuse is much too great.

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I'm sorry you’re going this. But think about this a minute, the possible reasons. Maybe he doesn’t remember he’s married. Maybe he needs affection that you can’t provide because he’s in a nursing home. Whatever the reason you have a right to your feeling. Was your marriage good before he went into the nursing home? Is this out of character for him or has he fooled around before? Whatever the situation you really don’t know the facts. Did you go and visit him daily or not. If he is of a sound enough mind to carry on a relationship why is he not home and you care for him??

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He isn't fooling around, that would require that he is cognizant and he is not.

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My heart goes out to you. I would locate the caller’s name then contact the Administrative Director or the owner of the facilities. Especially during these times, there was absolutely no reason to tell you this devastating news. This was irresponsible, inept, insensitive, callous and stupid. If your husband has dementia or Alzheimer it may be a factor to consider. He may think it’s you. Nevertheless; unprofessional on part of staff.

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I don't necessarily agree, depending on how far the behavior has gone. Perhaps they thought she might be comforted to know he isn't starved for company.

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Please don't be upset over this .My husband is also in a memory care facility and its been 5 weeks .You have to remember why he is there if he was in his right mind he would not be there. It's not a betrayal.What you had with him will always be a precious memory.At least there is comfort that he is not alone.My husband cant even see or talk he is very much alone .Please don't do this to yourself let God give you some peace and hang on to your beautiful memories,they are not the same person mentally that we married. I pray this helps

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I recently got a call from the NH to tell me that a man had kissed my mother. They said she had been talking to him and they seemed to enjoy each others company. The gentleman is married and my mother's name is similar to his wife's and apparently they look somewhat alike. I think he was just confused as to who she was. It didn't bother her to much but since it was an uninvited touch they had to notify both families. I hope his wife wasn't to disturbed by this. Obviously he was thinking of his wife and substituting my mother. Both have Alzheimer's so I really don't see a problem. Hopefully this is some comfort to you. He is not cheating he is just missing you and filling the void.

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Good grief! I cannot imagine being the receiver of such news. I have to wonder - did the supervisor deem it her duty to notify you of such news - devastating to you?

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PatriceAnne,
I'm certain that nothing anyone of us could say to you is going to ease your heartache right now.
I would suggest you do a little research on dementia and how it affects sexuality. It might help you to understand a little.
Someone replied that he hasn't truly betrayed you. I agree with that whole heartedly!
Remember, his brain has betrayed him!! He's no longer(mentally) the man you married.
Sending prayers and hugs your way!
God bless!

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When my father was in memory care, he didn't know exactly who I was. He thought I was his mother, his father, my mother, etc. There was also another woman who thought the world of him and sat by him at every meal. He didn't notice she had a huge crush on him. She was a nice, calm person and I was kind of glad she was looking out for him.

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This is a heartbreaking situation. The man has lost it mentally and is not responsible for what he is doing - he just has no sense of anything right and decent due to the illness. There is no way to fix it especially since there can be no visitors. I think you have two choices. Accept that it is his brain that is gone and not working and he is not doing this to hurt you. And visit him, etc. Or, if it hurts too much accept what has happened and sever ties so you don't get hurt even more. Only you can decide what to do.

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I am so sorry that you have to endure this. Losing a spouse mentally due to dementia is heartbreaking. As difficult as this may be try to remember if he didn't have impaired memory, this wouldn't be happening. The constraints imposed by the coronavirus has exacerbate his behavior because he hasn't seen you. Perhaps arranging to meet with a counselor who specializes in geriatrics and family therapy would be beneficial. Take care.

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Sorry for the pain that call caused you. Not sure why they felt the need to call and tell u like that. U needed to know but it should have been prefaced with how often that happens on a dementia ward. Dementia lowers inhibitions and if he does not remember he is married, he sees nothing wrong with having a girlfriend.💪🏾♥️🙏🏾

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This also happed with Judge Sandra Day O’Connor. Interesting read.
the facility is probably required to report this to you.
I don’t mean to come across as rude, but why does it matter when they tell you. Hard to take no matter when.

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My husband's memory care home supervisor called me yesterday to tell me that he has a girlfriend. Any advice?

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