My husband is 84 years old.
In 2014 he had a widow maker heart attack and a stint was placed.
In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV
In 2016 he had an Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm and had a stint placed.
In 2017 his prostate cancer moved to the bone
December of 2017 my husband stopped seeing doctors and he stopped taking all medications, against doctors orders. Since that time my husband has been on nothing, not even an aspirin, and no doctors at all.
After quitting all medications my husband seemed like a new man for awhile. He lost a lot of the weight he gained from the meds. His mind was clearing up and he felt great and looked great, UNTIL a few months ago.
He has lost all muscles in his arms, and legs and is nothing but a walking bone.
His eyes are sunken and he is often confused about things just as he was when he was on medications and the reason he stopped taking medications.
His legs are swollen so bad they look like elephant legs, the ankles were the first to explode and now it is the entire leg and feet.
He has shortness of breath now and is so weak that it is hard for him to stand let alone walk. More so than before. He couldn't walk very well before due to his dizziness and bad feet. But now it is due to weakness and dizziness.
He sleeps constantly all day long and has a hard time breathing laying down.
It was bad enough for me to deal with all this back in 2014 when it first began, but now, since he no longer sees a doctor or takes medication I am mentally worn out. Emotionally destroyed and sick to my stomach everyday wondering what today will bring. I find myself crying at the grocery store, washing dishes or alone in my room in the house.
It is hard to just sit here and watch someone die. At least when you go to a doctor, whether you take medicine or not, at least the doctor will tell the patient and the spouse if they are doing better, doing well, doing awful, or if dying how long they have to live. This helps the survivor plan for their future. As bad as the news maybe, at least you know !!!!
I asked my husband how sick do you have to get before you will go see a doctor again? And he says, he's thinking about it, but he never says yes.
So day after day, I watch him deteriorate, and sleep in his easy chair, with labored breathing, and find myself often sitting next to him listening to see if he is breathing at all, or looking for his chest to show some signs of life. What a way to live, having to check to see if your husband is a live or dead every time you enter a room.
I don't understand why he can't just go see a Doctor, get blood work, an EKG, an X-Ray just to find out. But I think he is afraid to find out. And so,
I hate my life. Because I don't have a life and haven't had a life since 2014.
I've seen counselors but they keep assuring me that there is nothing I can do to make my husband see a doctor because he is of sound mind. They sympathize with me, but they can't help me. Nobody can help me. Not a church, or anyone. The only person who can help me is my husband by going to see a doctor and getting himself checked out.
His children don't see him hardly at all, but when they do they tell him that he needs to get off his butt and see a doctor to see how he is medically. But my husband tells them that it is his personal decision.
I'm writing this not because I expect anyone to help me, because nobody can, but I'm writing this to perhaps help someone else who is going through the same thing I am. But then again, I'm wondering how many people stopped seeing a doctor or taking any type of meds at all? I'm curious how many? Especially with everything my husband has? How can he live so long without treatment?
And what is awful about all this is that I find my life now evolves around waiting for him to die. And I've gotten to the point of hoping it will soon. And that makes me more depressed and not very happy with who I am anymore.
Also as a couple of people have suggested, be sure you know where you stand n regard to his money and property.
Also, many many HUGS, no, not just HUGS, great big BEAR HUGS.
I stand by my earlier comment about respecting his decision about how to die. Nevertheless, regarding the abuse you wrote:
"He E-mailed his dad just before John went into the hospital and told him that when you die I hope you rot in hell. Yep!! Unfortunately my husband is reaping what he sowed I'm sad to say, I know how bad he is as a sober man, I can only imagine the things he did when he was an Alcoholic man. Actually I don't have to imagine, his oldest son told me the things he did. (Not incense-I want to make that clear-but pretty bad stuff that a young boy shouldn't have had to face). "
That rang a bell with me as I have been debating all my life whether I should tell the same thing to my own father or never speak to him again since I was old enough to leave home. I chose the latter, but nevertheless hope he is rotting in hell now. He did some things to me as a small child that I swore then I would never forgive and since he never bothered to apologise or ask for forgiveness I have not forgiven him. Nothing he could say or do would ever bring his kids' childhood back-- much less any false apologies.
So regarding your comments about reaping what you sow, if you knew he was abusive and making his kids unhappy why didn't you leave him?
Any mothers (or fathers for that matter since women can also be abusive) out there reading this who are living with an abusive partner, take heed. Kids never forget and in a very few years time will be asking why you did nothing to stop the abuse.
You can't reason with a narcissitic person and they will never change, the only thing to do is to leave or evict them.
Freddy. If a parent takes prompt action and leaves an abusive marriage thereby separating the children from the abusive parent, the children do not thank him or her. They might have cause to, if truth were known; but if he or she has *successfully* prevented harm, they are far more likely to blame him or her for the loss of the other parent.
You really can't win.
In any case. The OP is not the mother of the children in this man's life. I'm not sure we know what became of that lady.
I agree with you that this is a separate issue from the man's right to choose his own treatments. But true to narcissistic form, the man was not being dignified, he was being pig-headed and needlessly enduring symptoms that have proved simple and painless to treat while his wife wrung her hands at his bedside. Not liking him much, I speculate that I might have been quite tempted to take him at his word and let the pulmonary oedema overwhelm him; and I also agree with you that in the long run this might even have been a comparatively gentle way out. But then I don't love him and I wasn't having to watch him drown very slowly. And most of all, I don't have any responsibility of any sort towards him. The OP has to live with herself about her decisions.
She also has to live with others' judgement. Supposing she had accepted his wishes without challenge, and done nothing. He'd be dead. It would be found at post-mortem - probably at first glance, actually - that he had needed urgent but fairly simple treatment. Why hadn't she summoned help? Her answer: "because he wouldn't let me." Prove it.
What was she to do, get his refusal in writing, signed and witnessed?
She was being manoeuvred into a situation *mined* with fear, grief, shame and blame. Still think she was wrong to protest that it isn't fair on her?
This may be an option for you. Hospice can talk to him about his wishes, keep him comfortable etc. I hope you have a caregiver so you can get out on occasion. Stay with a counselor yourself. I go at least once a month just to regroup. Hold onto your faith and pray for direction. Faith at this time is comforting and strengthening. Hang in there.
The OP has understandably moved on, and if she is still reading, I want to apologize on behalf of stressed caregivers everywhere.
Our purpose is to support and not criticize, and especially in such extremely difficult circumstances, where the OP is already burnt out.
So sorry how you were judged and treated poorly.
I think we have another troll.
Pass this hot mess by, damage has been done.
Your husband can accomplish his end of life care with hospice. The process involves assessment and education and input by him and you on what care will be provided. Counselors, social workers, pastoral, and nursing discussions can help him understand that his life is his and only what he approves will be done. And an explaination will help explain that to him. His 'nothing' can be defined. Hospice eval will need to be made by his doctor first. Do call them and get all the information you need to understand the hospice philosophy Fulfilling his wish can be filled with hospice. And the family and loved ones are cared for in the hospice philosophy, so you will not be left out, you will not be left uncared for.
Don't give up and keep reaching out.
Shed your despair here. That's what we are here for. Take what you need of whats said and leave the rest.
You described shallow breathing , not being able to walk. And you didn’t mention if he is incontinent. Hospice can come in and give you a hospital bed. And pain meds but sometimes they are not there.
you sound exhausted from caring for him. Though he may not want to go to the doctor what you can do is call 911 have them take him to the hospital and if he demands to go home the caseworker there can say look there is Hospice or a facility that can take care of you. Your wife has been trying and is exhausted.
I think I would contact his children. You need help with him. He is dying just slower then you anticipated and while emotionally it is upsetting it is physically draining you. Unless you want to join him, you need to care for yourself as well.
you are burned out.
I caregived to my father her and I loved him dearly but it wore me out. I refuse to go through it again with my elderly mother there will be no at home dying . Either she will be in the hospital or facility or someone else will be having to do it. Never again. I love my Mom , but I was holding my father as he died from chf and it was a terribly painful way to go not to mention, Hospice company was terrible we had been calling for two days they made it out after he passed away . So never again.