I am a busy executive in a new marriage going on 5 years Feb 2022. My husband and I really enjoyed our relationship combining our households together, decorating our home and finally looked over to our holidays. We traveled every chance we got, even with my hectic career. We both have business acquaintances and friends that we enjoyed hosting at our home. Suddenly, my mother became ill two years ago and passed away at our home after a 2-week hospice. My 85-year-old Dad stayed during the hospice time and never left us since. My husband and I agreed out of love and sorrow that he could stay with us. We did everything we could to help him out, he sold his home, helped him square away his finances and attended to his medical needs. Hearing aides and enrolled him to counseling and introduced him to the senior center where he can find friends. My dad has absolutely no hobbies at all. He was dedicated to my mother and family all he had was us kids. After mom’s passing the family stopped coming around and there was COVID. After a couple weeks, he stopped counseling said he didn’t need it. Things were great still for about one year then he stopped wearing his hearing aides and became a couch potato with the TV blasted. We decided the home was not fit for our situation as there was no privacy and sold our home and relocated. Of course, the new home has not fixed the problem. And now my husband and I are unhappy and I’m sure my dad is as well. 1) my dad refuses to wear his hearing aids; he cannot hear without them and as a result cannot drive. He can’t hear the doorbell, relies on the dogs to bark and maybe he will react. TV is loud where we must ask him to turn it down all the time. 2) because he can’t hear, he interrupts our conversations. If my husband and I are having a conversation, he just walks in and interrupts. I’m not sure if its because he can’t hear, or he just doesn’t think about it. 3) my husband stopped talking to him unless he really needs to because he’s tired of shouting repeatedly so he could hear him. Just very stressful – I’ve asked/begged my dad to wear his hearing aids, asked him why he doesn’t and its one excuse after the other. They are very expensive and I’m always taking him to get them “repaired” and never anything wrong w/them. So fed up w/this. My husband feels that he’s downright inconsiderate and only cares about himself and disrespectful of us.
Another example is my husband has a bulldog that eats a special diet, my dad continuously feeds the dog table scraps. Twice now, he catches my dad red-handed giving the dog food out of the trash, French fries. My husband said, Dad Please no! don’t give it to him and right in front of his face, my dad gives it to the dog and says its just one! UGH! I confront my dad and tell him not to do it again and he brushes it off saying that its not bad for the dog but says he won’t. We set up boundaries that my dad has his bedroom downstairs and for his safety, we asked him not to go upstairs and he’s done it. We worry that he will fall because he falls all the time and refuses to use a cane or a walker. He leaves pans on the stove and had close calls where he sets of the smoke alarms and can’t hear them. We can’t leave him alone and feel confident and have no family members willing to come give us any time off. He's bored & I do what I can to help come up w/things for him.
My husband looks annoyed all the time, has one foot out the door to leave because he cannot handle the situation. We’ve lost our privacy, our social time with friends at our home. My dad on the other hand, walks around like nothing is going on (though I feel he’s also uncomfortable) but not willing to change. He can’t live alone but I don’t think I can live with the guilt I feel selfish & tearing me apart.
Many seniors--dementia or not--devolve into being very demandy. But like a kid, they are playing you to see how far you'll let it go. Burnt's list makes it clear, in writing, what some things he can specifically do are.
You will probably find he starts following the rules, if only because he likes living with you better than The Dreaded Home. However, if he keeps living, an AL will be in his future even with the rule following, so I'd also make it a rule that when you guys go on holiday weekends or whatever, he is going to an AL on respite.
I've taken care of a lot of seniors over the last 25 years and know how they can get. They will see how far they can push just the same as children will.
Dementia or no, there must be boundaries and rules that have to be enforced. When the rules and boundaries are not being abided there has to be consequences the same as there are with children.
I've cared for many elderly people who enjoyed complaining as entertainment and instigating fights. I'm currently in a caregiving situation like this with my own parent.
The consequence for complaining and instigating is being ignored and getting zero attention. It works.
the truth is witness to what really happened:
that you faithfully took care of your mother for so many years.
i hope you can rebuild yourself, so that those years weren't lost.
so that nothing was lost.
not time, not anything.
hug!!!
On the other hand, with experiences with my mom (who does not have dementia, but other medical issues) - When they get older, parents can almost revert and become "childish" and ignore whatever you ask. In this case, the list of demands will come in handy. However, you need to also include some sort of "Or Else." If there are no repercussions to their actions, they will just do it again (as will a child) - and follow through.
Once you do not follow through on a punishment, you have lost and they will do it again (punishments should be appropriate - e.g., you will not give them desert after dinner. Expect outbursts, but you need to endure. This very, very hard - it is difficult taking on the position of the "parent" to your own parent who you have looked up to and honored for many, many years. [But first ensure that your dad does not have dementia.]
Even after having a 25+ year marriage, caregiving is stressful and does place tension on your relationship. You need to take care of yourself and your marriage. Yes, it is okay to think about your own wellbeing - and very important to do so since you and your husband are both going to need your strength).
Good luck and have strength.
Should that be the case, some tough decisions have to be made. This would be when it's time to start looking at care facilities.
Your dad has it good. I think he is at the point he cant remember to change. I know all about the TV blaring 24/7.
How about getting him a pair of TV wireless headphones? He can blare the TV in his ears and you hear nothing. He either wears them, or the TV goes away. No exeptions. Maybe if they are in use, he has to put them on to hear the tv. Maybe the sound will go to them and he cant figure out how to turn it off to get normal room sound back on. Im not sure how they work tho.
Id sit down and give him rules.
Write them down so he can see them. But I think he won't be able to remember them more than a few minutes. I think that is the real problem.
As for hearing aids, it is common for them not to wear them. Again, I think they don't remember to put them in. It isn't a life long habit. Not wearing them is the life long habit.
How about taking him to adult day care for a few times a week or at least 1x so you have a quiet day? You need a break from him and to enjoy your house. Get a adult respite care worker, to go out. So you have some normal time to go out relax, go out to eat. Or just take a walk in a park with the dog and hold hands.
It worries me that he can't be trusted to cook. He doesn't remember he has the stove on. He doesnt remember to put his hearing aids in. That tells me his short term memory is going. The elderly can revert to kids and its all about me unfortunately.
I think it is time to make him go to adult day care, or look for assisted living now. I don't think he is safe while your at work. At least he will be around other people and have things to do. He could decide to cook if you are not home, walk out of the house and leave the door open, or fall and you are not at home. Since he has fallen there is a 100% chance he will fall again. That is a fact.
Your dad seems to understand when you tell him things, but then reverts back. I really don't think he can remember.
So you have a choice he must find a place in assisted living, or he goes to adult day care so you get a break. Maybe a break from 1x a week or a few, will be enough to calm things down. If you can't afford day care how about a college kid to watch him a few hrs?
As for the dog maybe you need to put any food from the trash in a separate baggie and hide it in deep in the trash, or walk it out to the outside trash can right away. Altho that doesn't stop him from feeding him food from the refrigerator.
Pick a place close by that you can visit.
Gold luck.
Meanwhile, Your House Your Rules; don't even give him the opportunity to ruin any aspect of your life: keep the dog away from him if necessary, don't let him interrupt conversations (put up your hand, do the 'zip' move, etc., firmly and with humor if that gets good results...Body Language). He was King of the Castle when his wife was alive, likely, but he's now a Guest/Visitor in Your Castle.
I kind of hoped my sweet dad would outlive my mom because mom was difficult, our relationship always complicated; I knew as my dad aged he'd be much easier to bring into my home if that was needed. My mom? Never! It would have devolved into a toxic situation for both of us, as you are unfortunately experiencing now. Do everybody a favor, dad included, to create separation-with love.
Beautifully said.
When I offered my 'inch' of a morning a week, it blew up I to that 'mile'. First that whole day. Then extra cleaning, personal care, driving to appointments 5+/week, on call for emergencies & finally expecting to be lifted out of a car.. to me it was like some sort of unconscious edge finding like babies do - testing how much they can control in their world, what is them, what is not them. This person's behaviours was not evil, just had no limits.
I had to put the limits in.
He isn’t burning furniture, which is what drove my grandmother to place my grandfather in a nursing home. But your father is burning your marriage, and I can’t help but think that worrying about him at home alone has to be very distracting at work. Where do you want to be in life in three years? Five years? Do you want to preserve your marriage?
I would seriously look at assisted living. There are good ones out there. Visit him a lot! Caregivers are often surprised at how well their loved one eventually settles in after the initial protests. They will assess him for the level of care he needs at this point. The upside is that there will be plenty of people his own age, as well as activities if he chooses to participate in them—movie night, etc. We found an amazing one for my brother. The elder law attorney where we set up POA highly recommended it. Unfortunately a massive brain tumor resulted in him requiring 24 hour nursing care shortly after moving him in there.
This all may seem harsh but think about the big picture, not just the problems with the TV, the dog and the stove. It is not going to get better. So many people here have regretted keeping their loved one in their home at the expense of their own lives. Good luck!
I suggest you do some research and find him an alternative living situation. This will not be a choice that he has anything to do with. Sit him down, insist he wear his hearing aids during the conversation. If he refuses then write him a detailed letter that he reads IN FRONT of you. Tell him that you and your husband will no longer tolerate his insolence and it has become a thorn in your marriage. Tell him that you have found a home (or whatever you think is best) that he will be moving to in a week or 2 or whatever it takes. Do NOT let your decision be influenced by sorrow or any emotion he throws in the mix. Think of yourself in 10 years, alone because your husband left and your dad passed. Do what is good for you. You dad is manipulative and selfish, he won’t change… so you need to.
If your worried he might love you because of it, trust me he won’t. He may not want you to visit him for a while but he’ll get over that too.
Good luck. With love and light
It may take psychotherapy to learn how to detach for this patter set up for decades. This woman needs to learn to love herself. I hope she does the hard inner work required. It is a major plus that she is writing to us here for support, ideas, inspiration, suggestions, advice.
There are a lot of reputable independent and assisted living residences across this country. I know this for a fact as I visited over 1000 of them in my previous job. I’ve seen many happy, fulfilled and engaged residents in adult foster care homes, independent living residences, assisted living facilities, memory care residences and even skilled nursing facilities. It is just a matter of finding the right place for your father and making sure it has a reputable history and caring staff.
I took care of my parents for 15 years, including having my dad in hospice for two years and then passing away. I cared for my mother an additional five years and then made the difficult decision to move her into an adult foster care home. She’s been there three years, is happy and tells me so frequently. One of the reasons she is happy is that she’s been removed from the conflicts of family life. She has friends, peers she can interact with and she has the supportive services she needs. She also feels more independent, which is something that every senior craves. I have my life back. I have me and my own family. I have my own hobbies, I have the freedom to come and go as I please, I don’t have to listen to the TV shows from three rooms away, I no longer have the disagreements over what to feed the pets (we had that problem, too), I have a love life again, and I have peace. Mom and I are both happier. And so is my family.
Did I feel tremendously guilty when I moved her? Absolutely! I felt so guilty that Dad was able to die in peace in the home that they had created and lived in for 40+ years and I felt it was so unfair to Mom that she couldn’t have that. Mom never would’ve been as happy as she is now if I’d left her in the house with caregivers. Because of work I wasn’t able to provide her with the mental stimulation and social interaction that she needs. Working in the senior care industry I saw many new residents become much more engaged with life and even saw their faculties improve. I highly recommend that you look into finding a new living situation for your father. I think all three of you will be happier.
I like your response. Younger people have a longer life ahead of them and should enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. That is what nursing homes are for: to help those no longer able to care for themselves and free up family members of difficult responsibilities. I went through difficulties with my then 92 to 93-year-old mother from 2012 to 2013. My family helped her into a proper assisted living facility so I could look for a new job and enjoy more fun. I was 58 at the time. My mother lived nicely in poor health until she passed at age 95, 7 years ago.
Patathome01
1) Decide to (try to / work on) save your marriage or
2) Continue to allow your dad to live in your home and lose your husband / relationship.
You are being a 'co-dependant,' not setting boundaries for your dad. He needs to know where the line is drawn of respectful, acceptable behavior. Right now, there are no boundaries.
Ask yourself and your husband: "Do I / you" want to continue to be in this relationship / marriage? If yes, you must move your dad out of your home into assisted living, group home, or even alone with adequate caregivers attending to his needs.
He / your father is not listening (respecting) to you because he doesn't have to. i.e., if he doesn't want to wear his hearing aids, tell him that you will not address / respond to him. CERTAINLY, do you allow him to turn the TV volume up. Take the control away from him. Give him ear phones - he can blast the TV that way and it won't bother you / others in the house.
If he wants to communicate, he will do what he needs to do.
I believe his not wanting to wear the hearing aid is due to depression and wanting to 'shut out the world.'
It is his choice to be in therapy / group therapy / social situations. Do you allow him to use you as a therapist or be the recipient of his frustration / anger / boredom.
If you want your marriage, you need privacy. And, your husband's dog needs to be on the diet he needs. It is inexcusable for your father to feed the dog as he is.
Your dad's behavior speaks volumes of 1) his brain changing / possible dementia; 2) frustrated / depressed and not caring about anyone or anything, including you, your husband and the dog.
You need to get into therapy to deal with your guilt, feeling selfish and what is tearing you apart. Your dad has you wrapped around his brain and little finger. Only you can stop that. These are life-long patterns of behavior in parent-child relationships.
You need to take care of YOU first.
Then, you need to decide if you want the marriage and take care of that.
Third, is finding proper housing for your dad. He won't be happy although he will likely adjust.
If you do not take control of your life, you will be divorced and living with your dad in what sounds miserable and very unhealthy for all concerned. This is no life for you. Have a heart to heart with your husband. I can imagine he is pulling his hair out and ready to jump ship. Do you blame him? Tell him what you want and humble yourself to get the support / professional help you need to get yourself back to you. Gena
My mother living with us was a big factor in breaking up my last marriage. Your husband is already partly out the door. Do you want him totally gone?
My mom like your father had no respect for us. I tried to get her to undertand until I was blue in the face nothing worked. Your father has no respect for you or your husband. It doesn't matter why and it will not change. He needs to find another place to live.
If he goes to a senior apartment complex, who knows, he may find someone to give him some company. You have nothing to feel guilty about. As for selling his house, it was probably for the good, now he can meet with all the ladies at the apartment complex and go for coffee with the guys living there. My ex and several of the men living in his AL place go to McDonald's every day (weather permitting) to the McDonald's about a block away and have coffee and guy talk.
Wouldn't it be fun to have wild sex on the living room couch for a change?
there are options for Dad's care.
Dad has not been a cooperative person in the home.
Please look into assisted living, there will be support services for him.
Look into some counseling to understand your guilt, and understand aging and how it is difficult for an untrained person to support..
"In some families the people issues take precedence over the pet issues.
"How sad that some people have kids, raise them, educate them, love them and ultimately get treated like a dog (or worse than the dog!"
This was totally unnecessary, ACD. If you read the OP, there are way more issues than the dog going on.
Have a conversation with your husband about what kind of situation your dad really DOES need to be in &as a united front try &relocate him to a place other than your own home .
If you love your husband it’s the only route to take . Make him part of this important decision &make sure you thank &love him for his cooperation .
He wouldn't participate in the programs at first, so when Sue went down there and say a football game was on in the main room, she would sit and enjoy the game and if he wanted to see her he had to come out to the main room. They are in Washington and watch the Seahawks. One time, they were going on a day trip, and when she came, he decided he didn't want to go. So, she went without him. He never pulled that stunt again. OH, she had a blast and saw some of the country she hadn't got to yet.
The hardest part is telling a senior that has been living with you that you can't take it anymore. They take it as a rejection. Funny when we try and get our adult children out of the house no one looks at it as a rejection, you just recognize that too many adults cannot live in one household. The fact is, you and your husband are just not compatible living with your dad. If he was easy to live with you would probably not be on this forum.
My parents took in my grandmother for a short period of time after a medical issue. She took over our house. She treated everyone like staff. It was extremely unpleasant. Dealing with her was making my parents who were in their 60s sick. We had to walk on eggshells around her. It was our house, not hers but she acted as if she was doing us the favor by having her there. I knew there was no way I could ever live with my father again. Maybe my mom, she was a lot easier to deal with.