Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My very sweet father in law died on Valentine’s Day. My mother in law immediately left her apartment 20 hours drive South and my husband drove her to our house. We live in an area where she is from and she moved in with us 3 days later. Since then we have paid for absolutely everything. I haven’t seen a dime for groceries and she even used my shower products for 3 months before asking us to buy more for her. My husband paid for all the meals, gas and hotels during the drive and used his vacation time. He also bought her plane ticket home for the funeral for his step-dad. But when it comes to shopping for clothing or outings with her friends she spends her own money. She took over a quarter of our house and has the best bedroom with the biggest closet that we completely moved our things out of. It was my husband’s office. She stays in her room all day. I have all the same issues with her that I have had for the 20 years that I’ve known her. She doesn’t help at all with anything. Absolutely nothing. She doesn’t help clean or do dishes or help with meals. She can’t do anything because of her stupid fake nails and never wants to mess up her hair or get dirty. If we don’t feed her she doesn’t eat. She’s obsessed with her weight and has an unhealthy relationship with food. She’s currently 74. If she helps watch the kids she is doing the bare minimum, meaning she only makes sure they don’t die. I have to feed them before I leave and I never leave them long. She only puts them in front of their tablets. She’s afraid to drive since her husband passed so I have to drive her around. She moved in a baby grand piano into her room without ever asking me how I felt about it. She also broke the closet in her room and I spent 3 days and multiple trips to the hardware store fixing it. She didn’t bother to thank me. She acts like she’s deserving of everything because I’m married to her son and I know she has always seen him as her insurance policy. He’s her only child. She has always been taken care of, but she oddly says that this is difficult for her because “I’m so independent.” Though no one who is actually independent has to mention that they are independent, it’s a very odd thing to say. Her husband treated her like a princess to a ridiculous degree, she soaked it in and didn’t lift a finger for 24 years. The only she did was take care of her physical appearance. My husband keeps telling me to wait. Be nice. She is grieving. I understand this is incredibly difficult for her and I don’t want to be insensitive, but I also have no idea how long this will go on and the not knowing is driving me crazy. I’m never alone in my home anyway and my time alone used to be precious, I’m a stay at home mother of two. I’ve been looking forward to my youngest starting kindergarten in the fall so I can start earning an income again. We’ve really needed another income for a long time. Now we have another mouth to feed and drive around and I feel very out of control. My husband is so busy and stressed. She leans on him for all of her emotional support and her and the kids are constantly interrupting his work day. She isn’t willing to be inconvenienced in the slightest bit, but she has no problem inconveniencing him constantly even if it takes up his entire weekend. We live in an incredibly expensive area and with the research I’ve done, she wont be able to afford an apartment on her social security alone. I feel like we have zero options.
Tell your husband she needs to leave yesterday; in the meantime, do nothing for her.
DO NOT drive her anywhere. She can use uber, a taxi, a bus, or your local senior transport service, all of which she can arrange and pay for herself.
DO NOT buy anything for her. Get slightly larger portions of what you would normally make your family, but not extras of anything just for her. She can order delivery, at her expense, of anything else. Same with toiletries and everything else. If she wants to come to the table and have a meal with you all, okay, but if not, oh well, her decision.
DO NOT clean for her — not her room, not her bathroom, nor her laundry. If she doesn’t clear her dishes leave them sitting dirty at her place for the next meal(s). If she breaks something again, get an estimate, hand it to her, and tell her to schedule the repair. Then have her pay the repairman.
Don’t argue about any of it, just smile and say, “But you want to be independent.”
LET HER interrupt your husband with any of these things, if she chooses to, while he’s working, so he will fully know how disruptive she is to the household. Don’t protect him from the reality.
And since school is about to be done, take your children on a vacation for a week, leaving your husband to deal with her fully alone. Go see your family or just get an inexpensive airbnb somewhere. Your children are young enough that anywhere different will be an adventure.
I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation. But be assertive that it can’t continue. Let us know how things go.
Time to tell you husband you want your privacy and freedom back. I hope you're telling your husband everything you are telling us. If he doesn't back you, then you're not his #1 priority and in any healthy marriage you should be without exception. It's ok to say, We acted too hastily in moving her in, it seemed like a good idea at the time but now I regret it and don't like it. I want my full-time husband and privacy back. We will help her move to an continuum of care community that goes from IL to hospice. She will pay for it and everything else. Anything less than agreement on his part means that couples therapy may be needed.
You are not wrong to ask for this. You and your husband should not mention this plan to her until you come to an agreement and have a plan. Then act quickly. Technically your home is now her legal residence so if she refuses to leave you can do an eviction process.
You and your husband have to define and defend your boundaries with her. You have to defend the boundaries because she is NOT going to like them. It is your house and you are doing her a favor, so too bad if she doesn't like your boundaries. Stop expecting her to do anything; you already had complaints about her before she moved in. Stop expecting her to be someone she never was and will never be. Move on to solutions.
You stated you don't know how long she will live with you and the answer is forever if you don't be the leader in getting her out. BUT your husband MUST be on board and demonstrate his ability to defend his boundaries with her. You need to be a unified team. MIL doesn't care how she is stressing him out or impacting your marriage so just know she will squeal in anger and indignity and be mad at you, for a while until you show you have a backbone. It doesn't have to be contentious -- this is why seeing a counselor with him first will help.
Also, a thing your husband can do right now is inform his Mom that while she is in your house she needs to assign him as her DPoA. If she refuses, this will be a problem. He also needs to ask her to pay her fair share monthly and fully. This is where him being her FPoA will come in handy: he can created an itemized invoice that she sees and then the money is transferred online through auto Bill Pay. This is what I do with my Mom. She's still getting a deal.
I wish you success in strengthening your marriage and reclaiming your lives.
You have a husband problem, as in it was his mistake to allow this madness and it’s on him to correct. Stop waiting on your MIL and stop expecting even the bare minimum babysitting. Leave her alone, no errands, no driving her around, no making her meals. She’s being made to feel far too welcome to invade and run your home. Your husband needs to fully prioritize his wife and children before you grow frustrated enough to leave and the children grow up resenting their overbearing grandma
Drop her off at a Senior Independent Living apartment building for a tour and lunch. It's like camp for seniors and there will be lots of eager MEN there to flirt with her and become victim #6. A woman like this needs autonomy and to be the belle of the ball in a social environment.....not in your home.
So get her out of your home and have it be her idea to go elsewhere.
You need to have a discussion with your husband as to what your boundaries are. What you would like to happen, what you think is fair, what you will do in the future,. For example... What will your role be when she needs actual "hands on care"? Will you care for her? Will you get paid to care for her? (Yes you should) Will she be paying for her fair share of ALL household expenses? (In my opinion yes she should) What happens when you can no longer do all the work? Hire a caregiver or move her to a facility? And does your husband have POA for finances and Health decisions?? He should.
You also need to listen to what his expectations are, what he would like to happen,, what he thinks is fair and what he plans to do in the future. Then HE is the one that needs to talk to his mother.
Now this is the biggie.... What will you do if he expects you to do all the work, he does not ask her to pay her fair share?? Will he do any of the caregiving that she will need? Will he help bathe, dress, toilet her? You need to figure out what your "line in the sand" is and tell him what your boundaries are and what you will do if it gets to the point where this is not working. But he is the one that needs to talk to her, this is not your conversation to have.
And I have to ask did he even talk to you about going to get her and bringing her into your home? If not I can see that you are not going to get far with this, he is his mama's boy
Tell DH this will not work longterm. She needs to find a place of her own. She should be paying rent. And you, set boundaries. My brother, who still has his 38 yr old son living with him, asked "How do you get them out of the house" I told him, "You be a B*** h". My house is my house and my rules. This is how you need to handle MIL. You are not there to cater to her. She is to keep her room and bath clean. She makes herself something, she cleans up. You don't go out of your way for her. You have 2 kids and a husband who are your priority. If she is capable of doing then she does it.
May luck out she finds a new hubby. Widowers are always looking for new wives.
Widowers are always looking for new wives who will wash their socks. This woman won't qualify. Another thing widowers like is to go on an RV trip with a woman who agrees to it (don't be stupid, ladies). He will do all the driving, take his 3 dogs, and woman is supposed to take care of the dogs, the laundry, the cooking, shopping, and cleaning. The RV theme is very common with widowers! (I know a lot of widowers in my retirement community.) Maybe OP could drive MIL to the nearest RV park and drop her off. The ladies with these guys have been known to abandon in mid-trip. Then the widower has to find a different woman. MIL may be the only one available, so buh-bye, she's off to British Columbia in a 21' Winnebago!
Do not leave your kids alone with this woman ever again. Even if she does next to nothing for them in her book she is helping. I agree with the others that you need to sit down and calmly talk to your husband about this. You might want to remind him that you are going to be getting a job soon and you will not have time to drive her to get her nails done. If you find a job before fall find a trusted friend or family member (but not MIL) to watch your kids while you work. Your husband probably feels overwhelmed and is convinced he is being a good son. My grandmother sat on our couch for over 18 years before she had a stroke and had to go to a nursing home. She didn't cook, clean, or help in any way, but thought she was helping I'm sure. My mom was adamant my grandmother never be left alone, but to be catered to constantly. It was a toxic situation. Sadly the week she had her stroke Dad's health starting failing. He didn't get to enjoy his retirement, and my parents lived less than 10 years alone without an inlaw.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
DO NOT drive her anywhere. She can use uber, a taxi, a bus, or your local senior transport service, all of which she can arrange and pay for herself.
DO NOT buy anything for her. Get slightly larger portions of what you would normally make your family, but not extras of anything just for her. She can order delivery, at her expense, of anything else. Same with toiletries and everything else. If she wants to come to the table and have a meal with you all, okay, but if not, oh well, her decision.
DO NOT clean for her — not her room, not her bathroom, nor her laundry. If she doesn’t clear her dishes leave them sitting dirty at her place for the next meal(s). If she breaks something again, get an estimate, hand it to her, and tell her to schedule the repair. Then have her pay the repairman.
Don’t argue about any of it, just smile and say, “But you want to be independent.”
LET HER interrupt your husband with any of these things, if she chooses to, while he’s working, so he will fully know how disruptive she is to the household. Don’t protect him from the reality.
And since school is about to be done, take your children on a vacation for a week, leaving your husband to deal with her fully alone. Go see your family or just get an inexpensive airbnb somewhere. Your children are young enough that anywhere different will be an adventure.
I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation. But be assertive that it can’t continue. Let us know how things go.
You are not wrong to ask for this. You and your husband should not mention this plan to her until you come to an agreement and have a plan. Then act quickly. Technically your home is now her legal residence so if she refuses to leave you can do an eviction process.
You and your husband have to define and defend your boundaries with her. You have to defend the boundaries because she is NOT going to like them. It is your house and you are doing her a favor, so too bad if she doesn't like your boundaries. Stop expecting her to do anything; you already had complaints about her before she moved in. Stop expecting her to be someone she never was and will never be. Move on to solutions.
You stated you don't know how long she will live with you and the answer is forever if you don't be the leader in getting her out. BUT your husband MUST be on board and demonstrate his ability to defend his boundaries with her. You need to be a unified team. MIL doesn't care how she is stressing him out or impacting your marriage so just know she will squeal in anger and indignity and be mad at you, for a while until you show you have a backbone. It doesn't have to be contentious -- this is why seeing a counselor with him first will help.
Also, a thing your husband can do right now is inform his Mom that while she is in your house she needs to assign him as her DPoA. If she refuses, this will be a problem. He also needs to ask her to pay her fair share monthly and fully. This is where him being her FPoA will come in handy: he can created an itemized invoice that she sees and then the money is transferred online through auto Bill Pay. This is what I do with my Mom. She's still getting a deal.
I wish you success in strengthening your marriage and reclaiming your lives.
So get her out of your home and have it be her idea to go elsewhere.
Best of luck to you.
For example...
What will your role be when she needs actual "hands on care"?
Will you care for her? Will you get paid to care for her? (Yes you should)
Will she be paying for her fair share of ALL household expenses? (In my opinion yes she should)
What happens when you can no longer do all the work? Hire a caregiver or move her to a facility?
And does your husband have POA for finances and Health decisions?? He should.
You also need to listen to what his expectations are, what he would like to happen,, what he thinks is fair and what he plans to do in the future.
Then HE is the one that needs to talk to his mother.
Now this is the biggie....
What will you do if he expects you to do all the work, he does not ask her to pay her fair share?? Will he do any of the caregiving that she will need? Will he help bathe, dress, toilet her?
You need to figure out what your "line in the sand" is and tell him what your boundaries are and what you will do if it gets to the point where this is not working.
But he is the one that needs to talk to her, this is not your conversation to have.
And I have to ask did he even talk to you about going to get her and bringing her into your home? If not I can see that you are not going to get far with this, he is his mama's boy
May luck out she finds a new hubby. Widowers are always looking for new wives.