Mom had a stroke 5 years ago and diagnosed with vascular dementia. She made a great recovery from the stroke. She took care of herself and her dog( dog passed away 3 years ago),showered when she went for doctor visits, and sink bathed the other times. (She had been doing this even before stroke) As VD got more noticeable and then she was diagnosed with ahlzeimers , I started taking over her finances/meds. She no longer drives and I take her to all her appts. Her stove does not work, so not worried about that. I bring over breakfast lunch and dinner. I clean her house. She does still use the phone. She can walk, but better with her walker. She had always known who I am until recently. She thought I was a friend a few times, not her daughter. I knew that would happen, but I also know she feels safe with me. She still has her personality, like joking with me and sarcastic. We laugh a bunch. She is not incontinent, wears regular underwear. (Not sure how often she changes it though) She does walk around her living room (walker) for exercise because it is “Too cold or too hot” to walk outside. I want her to live on her own as long as possible for her, but not sure when she shouldn’t be on her own. The neurologist knows she lives on her own and has not said anything about that. I struggle with her showering so rarely, and only sink cleaning. She doesn’t like showering, too cold, tiring etc… I feel I like she is still too independent to do bed baths. She doesn’t brush her teeth regularly unless I am standing there, which is fine. She wears the same clothes and doesn’t change into pjs at night often. I don’t care about that…pick you battles right? This seems to be working ok but not sure what signs I should be looking for that she should not be alone and move in with me. Again, she is literally right next door to me and I am always in and out over there. She has ALWAYS liked being alone. She had never been social or have many hobbies. She likes staying home and watching tv. She has done that for the past 20 years years or so.
However as we all know there are always exceptions.
I think your mom is doing well.
I think the fact that you are there at least 3 times a day and the stove is off she sounds like she is "safe" And the fact that she does not like a shower you have less to worry about with running water.
By the way a bed bath would be for someone confined to bed. I think the "bird bath" that mom does should be fine. Maybe encourage a shower at least 1 time a week. A shower chair or bench might make her feel a bit safer. I would be more concerned about her properly cleaning her "peri area" to reduce the possibility of UTI's.
I think I would also install 1 or 2 cameras so that you could monitor her once in a while just in case of a fall.
If you have Alexa or other device you can "drop in" on her and listen or talk to her. But she may not reply if she can not see you. (Might even scare her to hear a voice and not be able to see anyone.)
It can’t hurt to tour facilities or put her name on a list. When a crisis strikes, you’ll be glad you did.
Personal hygiene loss is always an issue that requires some intervention because of infection. Not changing underwear every day results in increased bacteria exposure and constant UTIs. At her age, if she were in a facility, I think they would be showering her twice a week at least and having her hair washed once or twice a week depending on how oily it gets. I'd recommend that you have a plan for how to handle personal hygiene reminders and execution, including many suggestions you can find on this forum (like bathroom heaters, towel warmers to address the cold, etc.) If she enjoys your visits and you are willing to take on the bathing assistance, it may be time for that. It could be even fun. My mom moved into ALF at 88 and raved, "They give the BEST showers here!" for the first couple of years before the novelty wore off, LOL. She still loves our pedicure appointments -- I come and soak her feet and do the trimming and give her a foot massage, which she loves. But I still can't get her to remember to change her underwear . . . the facility is now selecting clean clothes every morning when they go to wake her and help her get ready for the day.
It is normal for them to resist having assistance with bathing for a number of reasons, so don't let initial objections overcome you easily. The staff at my mom's ALF say that it can take up to a month for the resident to settle into receiving the bathing assistance without objection, but they eventually do get accustomed to it.
Honestly, it sounds as though you have a pretty nice arrangement so far; you just need to plan for how to step up her care as that becomes necessary. I love that you can still enjoy humor together!! Savor that!
Best of luck --
The "arrangement" we've always had (but now she seems to disagree) is that she goes into the very excellent facility 3 miles from my house if she's no longer safe to stay in her home OR I am overwhelmed by her care. Keep in mind, there's always a first and last time she becomes unsafe.