My mom got lost for 6 hours driving. She has the early stage of dementia. How to take her car away?

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My mom got lost for 6 hours driving. She has the early stage of dementia. How to take her car away?

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We got a device that plugs in under the steering wheel that alerted my husband when they left in there car and exactly where they were. It tracked speed, hard breaking, etc., and that way we could tell when they were lost/struggling. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01FHCQIU6/ref=syn_sd_onsite_mobileweb_15?ie=UTF8&adId=200034613365311&qualifier=1599316019&id=4748006790020445&widget=sd_onsite_mobileweb&spPl=1&psc=1&uh_it=a7cd95b68375447ad48b6c6569ea4890_CT) We used this info to have informed conversations with them, like when we could tell they had gotten lost. Then we also were able to use that info to talk to the neurologist and get him to give dad a driving simulation test, because that was the only way we could get him to give up the keys. The doctor told him he got a 96. At first my FIL was thrilled until the doctor explained that was a 96% chance he would wreck his car and hurt himself his wife and possible a young family. He explained his hand eye coordination, his vision issues, his slow response to changing conditions could all lead to an accident and it could be fatal. He told him “I can’t make you give up your car, but I can write to the dmv and tell them that I do t feel it’s safe for you to drive. If I do that and you continue driving, it may make you uninsurable and if you have an accident it could wipe out all your financial savings. I hope you will listen to your sons who love you and only want you and your wife to be safe. Then he asked how he felt about that, and FIL said he didn’t like it. They left the appointment and my husband thought it might get ugly, but on the way home he said “well I guess you should cancel my car insurance. Will you help me sell my car?”

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Hi, Exactly that story happened to my mother from NJ to Staten Island, she was stopped by two detectives going the wrong way with no identification, license or insurance, she left her purse at home. They searched the car and found an old registration and call the local police station and they called me. I went to pick her up in St. island, I took the car back to my house. The next day I asked the local police chief for help and he came over to let my mom know that they had to take the car away for 2 months and her license was suspended because she was driving out of state without her identification. Not happily she agreed and just forgot, I sold the car. If you can get the help of the local police it takes all the anger away from you. Best of luck. It is not easy but it has to be done.

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There is no real nice way to do it. I did find thru an elderly case manager, a person to test my mom. She flunked everything, and agreed to give up her license. After that we got her a Great Calls phone - they have a r
elationship with Lyft. Unfortunetely, my mom was unable to learn a new skill, but it works thru their smartphone and flip phone.

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We used a local policeman who did a driver assessment for us as a side job. It cost us $70. He provided a written checklist, much like a driver's test. Dad would not believe any of us, but a paid expert's opinion carried enough weight. Of course we primed the situation a bit by talking to our paid examiner beforehand. No threatening, arguing, or medical drama needed.
His problem was not driving mechanics, those were actually fairly good, but he would get lost for hours during a 10 minute drive. He would also jump out of the car at stops and yell at other drivers.
As soon as he said he might need to give up his car we got rid of it.

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The getting out of the car to yell at other drivers is scary for everyone. Many, many years ago my now DH was very young and drove an old/noisy car. At a red light near a busy intersection, an elderly driver got out of his own car and approached DH's car about the noise and a false belief that DH had thrown something at him. The man yelled/shouted and actually slapped DH through the open car window! The light changed and DH got the heck out of there - leaving the man standing in the street. DH was just a kid and didn't have experience with things like that. Plus, his assumption at the time was that the older man was a hothead and he needed to get away from him. However, I am rethinking this entire thing now after reading your post. Maybe this was a man who should not be behind the wheel anymore. I do wonder whatever happened to him and I hope someone eventually intervened if that's what was truly needed. Thanks for your post.

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You can call her doctor and they will contact the state regarding her abilities and have a conversation with her and MD.

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Right. We talked to my MIL’s MD. He contacted the DMV and they sent my MIL a letter saying she had to have a road test. Well...she passed the road test so then we just took all keys away. She thought she had lost them and we just let her think that. For a while she was comforted by the car just being there. Eventually we moved her to AL without her consent. Had to be done.

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My father is 83. His driving was getting bad and then he had a stroke and now seizures. Our car broke down and we use his car so he can't drive. We take him everywhere he wants to go but he says when are you getting your car fixed. Need this to say it has never been fixed. This is how we prevent him from driving but I get nothing but fack from my brother & sister who live out of state. They say I need to give him his car back. Nothing wrong with him. His Dr. would not tell him he shouldn't drive but he did recommend that he have a driver's test but the DMV just sent him his driver's license anyway. Regardless we won't let him drive. My brother just moved up now he realizes how bad he has become but no apologies for making my life miserable.

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Same story here - except they went on a smear campaign and even called police for a welfare check. The doctor backed me up and they said he had to get a doctor to check him out and he refused to do it. Can't believe a doctor knowing about his seizures would say it's ok!

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If you don't live near your mother you may need to hire some help for her. In short order disable the car but leave it accessible in the driveway or garage. I started my mother's helper at three hours per day three days per week. Relying on friends is too hit or miss. The helper should be able to drive your mother to shopping or hair appointments or whatever. That person will also provide some companionship. You are just at the beginning so take a deep breath and get on with it. But be compassionate. Remember you may be in the same position someday. No one wants to lose their independence. Good luck.

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Losing one's life is worse.

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My 88 yr old mom, early stages of dementia, got lost a couple of times before we became aware, bc she lived alone. Fast forward to time I started taking care of her by stopping at her house daily, sometimes 3 times a day. I lived less than a mile from her. Saw how she would get disoriented at home and then slip up and tell me she got lost driving that day. I asked her for the keys & of course she refused. I reminded her of dad, gone 8 yrs now, got real lost the yr before he died. He called her, telling her he didn't know where he was. She called me and I called him to guide him home. (I could see the hamster wheel in her brain spinning, while relaying this memory) She gave me the keys & thought she had outsmarted me by producing more keys the next day. When she wasn't looking, I took those keys. A couple days later, when she was getting ready to leave & realized she had no keys, she took off walking! We found her, luckily, at the bank about a block from her house. When we got home, I laid into her about how selfish she was for 1) not wearing a mask 2) worrying us 3) endangering herself & our families by exposing herself & all of us. I did tell her that if we couldn't trust her word to be safe AT HOME, then we would have to place her in a home. She promised to be safe at home. For weeks after, she would search the house for her car keys. Every key she found, she would go outside and try them in the ignition. She eventually gave up. I tell you this story to encourage you to make the decision you know is right/safe for her & the family/public. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

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Please, please, please don’t use placement in a care home as a threat!

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My dad ended up putting his car in the ditch. I had to act fast so I just told him he was too sick right then to drive. My brother had a hissy fit and caused all kinds of problems for me. I called my dad's doctor and he said, 'Thank God someone in the family is not in denial! He filled out the initial paperwork and let me pick it up and send it in. He said, ' I would rather fill this out than appear in court after he possibly killed somebody.' He said if it was his dad, he would not let him out on the highway. They received it and then sent a form that he would have to get the doctor to fill out after an exam. I told him that he would have to pass the physical AND mental part to keep his license. I think he knew he wouldn't pass everything, so he refused to go. Well, about five weeks later he gets a letter saying that since he was in non compliance, that his license was suspended.
The other day he brought it up again, and I told him that was five years ago, so he dropped it. My brother, by the way, now says he absolutely shouldn't drive and acts like it was his idea! Interestingly, his family doctor would have passed him - but not the specialists. Keep on til you find a doctor who is not afraid of offended someone.

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My dad ended up putting his car in the ditch. I had to act fast so I just told him he was too sick right then to drive. My brother had a hissy fit and caused all kinds of problems for me. I called my dad's doctor and he said, 'Thank God someone in the family is not in denial! He filled out the initial paperwork and let me pick it up and send it in. He said, ' I would rather fill this out than appear in court after he possibly killed somebody.' He said if it was his dad, he would not let him out on the highway. They received it and then sent a form that he would have to get the doctor to fill out after an exam. I told him that he would have to pass the physical AND mental part to keep his license. I think he knew he wouldn't pass everything, so he refused to go. Well, about five weeks later he gets a letter saying that since he was in non compliance, that his license was suspended.
The other day he brought it up again, and I told him that was five years ago, so he dropped it. My brother, by the way, now says he absolutely shouldn't drive and acts like it was his idea! Interestingly, his family doctor would have passed him - but not the specialists. Keep on til you find a doctor who is not afraid of offended someone.

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Your dilemma is shared by so many of us. Taking the keys away from someone with dementia can be a lot harder than you think. But it’s a necessity, especially when you consider the possible consequences - think about the posts here by folks who have shared stories about how “dementia accidents” have killed people, or have destroyed the lives of families.

My mother, now 88, has had dementia for over 5 years. We tried taking her keys away after she “got lost” one mile from home. She threatened to call the police, her lawyer, and friends and relatives if we wouldn’t return her keys. Oddly, though she has extreme dementia, she can really put on a show and appear absolutely normal to strangers and even friends and relatives whom she has convinced that my siblings and I are mean and greedy. My brother tried dismantling her car, but she simply called a repairman. She kept saying, “I only go to the grocery store and the bank,” both of which are on a super busy highway. Then, one day, she had an accident in the parking lot of Walmart. We wouldn’t have known about it, except that she secretly mentioned the accident to her granddaughter. She had backed out of her parking place and rammed into a car. This accident turned into an opportunity for us to intervene. We lied and told mom that her insurance company had cancelled her insurance. She was devastated and angry. Every day she’d look out the window at her car in the driveway and cry, then beg for us to give her keys back. She wanted to drive so badly that she was willing to drive without any insurance! Even mentioning that she could kill a child did not dissuade her, and mom is crazy for little kids. We then moved her car and parked it behind my sister’s house until we were able to find the title so we could sell it. To this day mom still talks about how we took away her independence. That is the key, I think - that to take away a dementia patient’s car Is to remove their independence. Though we have arranged for her to have access to a ride anywhere she wants to go, it’s “just not the same” to her, and she never lets us forget it. (Of course, she recalls nothing about her accident from years ago.) I think she will go to her grave talking about her car. I wish you luck with your mom. Just do what you have to - even if you have to lie - and get that car away from her ASAP.

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Better to "take away someone's independence" than to take away someone's life.

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My father most went through our garage with his legs hanging out to the side. He called a family meeting and explained. He asked if he should continue driving or if any family members were willing to help him with shopping and other errands. We told him we would take him anytime and anywhere he had to go. It worked out very well for our family, my dad was safe and sound.

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Look at the laws on your state. In PA, I had her PCP fill out a form to send to the DMV. I could write to the DMV, but it is a long process. With the PCP, her license was revoked within a month. She was quite mad and said she was going to sue the doctor. I said, “No you’re not, because I asked him to do it. “ I had been trying to voluntarily give up her car for about 2 years. We also gave her car to a grandchild, which helped her feel better.

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I would just politely inform her that she must give up driving or if she gets in an accident she will be charged and have her licence taken away when she gets out of jail (and that is no bull. If you drive when you know you are not supposed to that is a criminal offence. ).

You can talk with her doctor and get a note that says she is not mentally capable of driving and send it in to the government. They will promptly cancel her licence.

This is not only selfish but down right dangerous.

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Excellent answer!!

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Early stage dementia? Got lost for 6 hours once? So what. No State or health authority, or doctor, would deny driving privilege for your opinion of that. And, you simply cannot do any of the key hiding, car disabling, tricks mentioned. Bad driving is dealt with by frequent senior testing, citations, and points. But is it a good idea to drive impaired? No. Family members can try to convince an otherwise legal senior driver not to, or even better, have a driver available at all times (the solution to my late mom, who maintained a license but wasn't very good at it) but you can't do anything to the car. If the car doesn't start, even demented mom knows enough to call AAA and you will be found out. The response of many, most, to this question has been shameful.

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Amoeba - my mom’s neurologist had some terrible examples of people getting confused in unknown driving situations and causing horrible accidents or ending up many states away. As with almost all of the examples here - the person with dementia most often doesn’t realize the extent of their decline and feel they can drive just fine. The issue isn’t bad driving, it is rational thought, ability to react quickly when unexpected things happen (like detours or fast braking or things running into the road) and decision making which quickly deteriorates with dementia. It sounds like you haven’t been through it and maybe should be a little more kind.

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I tried figuring a way to stop my mom from driving. I started very nicely trying to have a little talk with her. That did not help with her little fasty self. lol "No, There is nothing wrong with me." "I can drive."

I wanted a "slow and easy" approach, without making her upset.

My dad started easily slipping into the car with her when she got ready to go somewhere. That way he could kind of keep an eye out. Slowly but surely, he would offer to do the driving.

Eventually. he took over and it worked out perfect. She stopped driving on her own.

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My mom is 76 and lives with me. Mid stage dementia assumed to be alzheimers due to family history. I went through this exact issue in February of this year. My mom was having weird issues when driving and I live in a small town, the post office and pharmacy told me she would come by several times a day saying odd things. Her neurologist told her she scored low enough on the alzheimers test that she shouldn’t be driving but kept on anyway. By luck, she told me she thought there was something wrong with her car. I had it towed in and asked the car place to tell her a very high cost for the fix, making it not worth fixing and I gave the car to my brother. Since then, I have a caregiver come by twice a week to take her to lunch and the store and it seems to be working ok!

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My great aunt was driving into her 90s, way to long, especially the way she drove. She came to stay with us for about a month, which was fine, but she wanted to take our young kids places while we were working. No way would we have that, so one day my husband told her a little white lie, for safety. He told her he saw gasoline running out under the car and it was too dangerous to drive until he got the part to fix it. He also took the distributor cap off, just in case she convinced a newborn to help her with it. Just before she was due to leave he faked fixing the car and she was on her way. All were safe and happy. Now if she had been a permanent guest in our home, that part would no longer be available, so the car would never been able to drive. Hope this helps.

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It should have read, neighbor not newborn.🙃

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Thank you for the big laugh "Marylepete" - it was priceless!

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I agree with the majority of answers saying to take the keys away and disconnect the battery. We had to do this for my mother earlier this year. She is 8o years old with dementia. She was coming home with dents in her vehicle and could not fully explain where the dents came from. After a neurologist evaluation, it was determined that she was not safe to drive. She didn't believe the neurology report or her physician's recommendation that she stop driving. In our state anyone can anonymously report an unsafe driver to the DMV however, due to Covid-19, they appear to be seriously behind in their follow-up and that's kind of scary. Sometimes, there's really no easy way to do this and this is a case of 'tough love'. If she injures herself or heaven forbid someone else, can you live with that type of guilt if you could have possibly prevented it? In my case, my mom was very angry and argued about it for a month or so and eventually it became less important to her. Make sure that you make transportation arrangements so she won't complain about not being able to complete her various errands and activities. Thank you for trying to keep everyone safe on the road. Good luck.

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Never mind the guilt - the lawsuits could take everything they've worked for and saved!

Sometime after we took the car, my mother whined about it. She said "I don't go far." My response was I don't care if you go 2 feet, if you hit someone they will sue you and you would lose EVERYTHING! She had no answer to that. She continued to whine about it, us taking her "wheels", but eventually that morphed into the worst thing SHE did was give up her wheels. Eventually even that stopped. After we moved her to MC (3.5+ years ago), she whined to YB every time he visited about going back to her condo... for 9 months. Then she forgot that place and wanted to go to her mother's place OR the house they owned prior to the condo (mother has been gone 40+ years, house 26+ years!) Last I was able to visit (lock down now), she was still living about 40+ years ago, based on mother and comments about her younger sister and that sister's disabled grandchild (referred to her as THAT baby, who would be 40+ about now.)

Absolutely we need to ensure they can get out, get supplies, etc, but we shouldn't wait until that is all set! The car should go away asap!

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There is a saying “A prophet is not recognized in his own land”. For that reason, most elderly people do not accept the advice of their loved ones, particularly their adult children. You will always be their child. When my Dad taught me and my siblings to drive he said. “You now have a weapon in your hands. How would you feel if you killed a child?” Needless to say we are all excellent drivers but when we tried that same quote on my Dad it was useless. The only thing that helped was getting a neighbor to talk to him man-to-man. After he surrendered his keys, he spent his declining years staring out the window at his beloved car. Sad.

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Dear "KathleenQ,"

I'm familiar with that verse and it's so true in many of life's situations. Although my mom didn't say that to me like your dad did about the car being a weapon, I told my mom the same thing when I took her keys away and put a steering wheel lock on. How would you feel if you severely injured or killed someone or yourself - it too was useless and I said it a lot!

You were fortunate to have a neighbor talk to him "man-to-man" and that your dad turned over the keys.

What a sad ending though - to watch your dad spend his declining years yearning to be able to drive his "beloved car" - very, very sad for not just him but all of you. I'm sorry it turned out that way and he was never able to truly accept it and find something else to focus on. I do get it though because my mom has always loved to drive! She was mad for several years - now it's just a faded memory for us all.

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My brother and I had to do that with our mom when her Alzheimer's was mid-stage and she was starting to have trouble finding her way home when she went out. My brother took her car to his house and we "white lied" to her that she let my nephew borrow her car until he could get his fixed, because he needed a car for work and to get home. Every few months she would asked about her car and we would tell her the story again and then we added he has a foreign car and they had to order parts and it just takes a long time. Every time my mother would say "oh yeah I remember that" and everything would be okay and maybe a few months or 6 months later she would asked again about her car and same story was told and this went on for 3 years until she just quit asking.

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My mom will be 91 on Thursday. This is soooo hard to deal with. My dad lost his license lst because of his alzheimers at 86, so mom was left to do all the driving. She hadn't driven very much because he did it all. My sister and I started noticing scrapes or little dents on the car...She knocked the mirror out of passengers side when she hit a mailbox even though she claimed she never did...Somebody hit her but my dad, even with his alzheimers seems to remember it...lol.
We had the doctor deal with it for us to a point. The doctor always did the tests on both of them yearly for dementia. We had her do one and she told mom she felt that it was time for her to stop driving as her reflexes and thought processes had diminished some. Mom was livid...Dr said ok, how about this? Why don't you go take the test they have annd if you pass then it's up to you to continue, if not then you will have to stop driving. She reluctantly took the test. It is one they offer in PA for drivers to test reflexes, responses and identifying signs and their meanings. It is computer questions then a simulated driving test with steering wheel, big window like in a car and brake and gas pedal just like in a car. Mom did horrible. She no way passed it. She blamed it on not being given enough time to respond. I said Mom, if a little child ran out in front of you would you say, Wait a minute for me to respond? I said I know you feel your independence is being taken away but you really don't go places anymore and can't drive in the evening so don't you feel some reluctance about driving anymore with all the traffic and new roads? She finally admitted she did and guessed it was time. My sister and I obviously had to promise her whenever they wanted to go somewhere one of us would take them. Luckily their neighbor started driving them out to eat once a week.
Maybe you can get the doctor involved to help make it easier on you so you don't get all the blame for taking the license away. Some states are starting to make it mandatory for people over 70 or 80 to have to take this test. Good luck to you and keep me posted. Sandy

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In California, when dementia is diagnosed, the MD is required to inform the DMV. The DMV then sends a notice of suspension to the patient and their insurance company.

The elder can contest the decision if they pass the written test and then a road exam. They must go to the DMV every six months to get retested.

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Can't speak for other states, but in MA they expect you to report your own medical deficits... Sure, someone with dementia is going to call and say gee, I have dementia, should I be driving?

Good lord, I don't know who came up with that, but we couldn't even use the "D" word around mom, much less get her to understand or believe she had an issue! Her answer to being forgetful? I'm old, I'm entitled to forget things now and then... sure mom, but when you forget you just said or asked something 2 minutes ago and ask again and again and again...

Anyway, the point is every state might have different rules. Also, I tried the doctor route - NO GO. Many do not want to get in the middle.

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First of all, THERE IS NO KIND WAY TO GET THE CAR AWAY. There are, however, several steps involved to help move the situation along. First of all, get the doctor be willing to tell her she cannot drive - it should NOT be YOU. But before that happens, face one fact and this is a MUST. You want to take her car away and right or wrong, you CANNOT DO THAT UNLESS ahead of time you make sure you have someone available to take her places and do things she was doing with the car. You must never, ever take something away from someone without offering an alternative....to not do this is sadistic. You must assure her she will get to wherever and whenever and be sure you can be trusted. Then let the doctor handle the rest. There is no other way. I am disabled but l00% with it and I am the best driver you can find. But take away my car, and I'd either kill YOU or myself and I guarantee it would happen within a month or less. I have no one in the world to turn to and the car is my sanity and keeps me going, along with my kitty. Take either away, and you have killed me (and I'll make dam sure of that).

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You should talk to her doctor about reporting her to the DMV, they can take away her license to drive. I agree with one of the other posts that when you do this you need to be willing to drive her places or hire someone to drive her. For her peace of mind she still needs to be able to get out of the house sometimes, if she wants to.

My husband gave up his drivers license because he felt he was no longer able to drive safely, but he is a very social person and like to get out of the house and be around people (at the park, or the store, or a restaurant) and you need to be mindful of that.

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I told my dads Dr he ordered a stimulated driving test. He failed not even half way thru they just stopped the testing. It’s been over two years he still thinks he can get his license back. So every six months his neurologist tells him that he is to dangerous to drive that he will kill someone or himself. My dad will say I don’t want that to happen. He said it’s just not the dementia it’s his age also that it happens to the best of them. He don’t understand and drives me crazy every other day about it.He also tell me what kind of life can a person have if that can’t go drive somewhere. Sad to see him struggle with everything.

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We worried about how we were going to deal with this for years! As it turns out, Mom had a hospitalization about 5 years ago, in her early 90's, and we took it upon ourselves to disconnect her battery before she came back home. Her car was a pristine but ancient Lincoln Towncar so it wasn't unreasonable to think that the thing just quit running and was beyond repair. She was too frugal to suggest getting it fixed or to, GOD FORBID, buy another car, so that was the end of that! If your mom's car is kind of old, I highly suggest this method. Good luck to you!

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Get the family doctor in on it-- he can help take away her driving license via the State -- DMV , BMV...
The Doctor will affirm via testimonies from relatives and neighbors and his own testimony that she is no longer fit to drive--- plus it may be time to start looking for a Assisted Living or may be an Independent Living facility -- because she may not be able to cook for herself if she is too distracted to drive--- my father-in-law almost burn his house down. Act now or wish you had. Also establish a Power of Attorney-- and ask the questions if she wishes a DNR order in case she is hospitalized and ends up a vegetable and a point of contention between the medical community and you -- which can only make them richer and you all poorer. Good luck-- you can call the county eldercare folks and get an ombudsman to plead your case. And you can also trick her legally into moving to a safer home where the staff will take the residents to various places in the community to shop and get them back in time for supper.

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I need to make a correction to my original comment I posted on Sep. 1st referencing another thread dated 8/16/20 "How do we deal with the impact of taking away mom's car keys?" There were 71 answers on that thread at the time and I thought they might have been helpful to the OP on this thread. I had said to go to the upper right corner on the AgingCare teal-colored bar and click on "Forum" and then go to page 4 at the very end of all questions asked. I didn't take into account the many, many questions that have been asked since then so it can no longer be found on page 4. You would just have to keep going to the next page and scroll through the questions until you find it as it will always continue to change.

Sorry about that, I'm still learning how to navigate this forum as I've only been on it for two months!

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My mom got lost for 6 hours driving. She has the early stage of dementia. How to take her car away?

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