What is the best and kindest way to take her car away? It’s her freedom and she’s super stubborn. Hide it, hide the keys, try to talk her into it (hasn’t worked yet)? We live out of town but have people checking in on her and giving her rides already. She can’t use a cell phone or anything with navigation.
She went to the DMV and I thought, this will be it. She can’t see anything peripheral. The entire test took 3 minutes. My mother could not see the blinking lights on the screen. And I am thinking, this is it. No more fights about her driving. The clerk told my mother where to look at each step. She could not see the flashing light during the entire test. My father and I smiling at each other, knowing she couldn’t do the test, knowing they wouldn’t renew her license. Everything has now been completed. And the clerk says “sit over there, they need to take your picture for your new license!!!” I looked at the girl and said you are kidding, right?? She said NO!! I was so dumb founded I couldn’t speak. Not wanting to cause a scene we left. I went back the next day and asked for the manager. I asked him why in the world would you give my 88yr old mother, who couldn’t pass the test without having the clerk tell her the answers, Who couldn’t see, who has dementia, why on Gods green earth would you give her a license to go out and kill someone. Sit down for this one...... he told me it was not his place to fail people!
Mind you, this had been going on for months. She promised me she wouldn’t drive without me in the car. She snuck and my father on her. I then took her keys and I told her from now on I am doing the driving. And every day for the next 5 years I heard about it. She told everyone how horrible I was. My explanation to all was, I couldn’t live with myself if she had killed a child, or mother or father of little children. She couldn’t comprehend the consequences of her causing an accident. And there had been many close calls!!
This was the shortened version of all that we went thru. Maybe you could look up my postings to see the entire story if interested. It’s just way too long to go into again.
Weller's car struck a 2003 Mercedes-Benz S430 sedan that had stopped to allow pedestrians through a crosswalk, then accelerated around a road closure sign, crashed through wooden sawhorses, and plowed through the busy marketplace crowd, traveling nearly 1,000 feet (300 m) at speeds between 40 and 60 mph (60 and 100 km/h). The entire sequence of collisions took at least 10 seconds.
By the time the car came to a halt, Weller had killed ten people and injured 70. Weller told investigators he had accidentally placed his foot on the accelerator pedal instead of the brake, then tried to brake but could not stop. Weller had a lack of remorse which was a central issue for the families of the victims.”
My father continued to drive after his diagnosis. They were driving home from our Thanksgiving gathering. He went through a red light and the car was T-boned. He was unhurt, but emergency workers had to cut my mother out of the car. She broke her arm and all of her ribs on the right side.
Last week she was diagnosed. She scored 13 points on the MoCA, at the very bottom of the moderate category. The doctor told her she could no longer drive. When she challenged the doctor, saying she had never in her life been in an accident or received a ticket. Funny, the woman who never had an accident is on kissing terms with her body and fender man.
The doctor said she was required by law to report her diagnosis to the DMV and they would revoke her license. Legislation that was created after the case above.
Note: My mother’s driving was my top concern and why I pushed for her doctor to see her in person. She not a driver who putts along, frustrating the folks behind her. She’s a speed demon.
I am an only child and live in a different state and COVID has complicated this situation. I feel so bad for her because after taking care of my father for so many years, she intimately knows what dementia does. She lives alone. Through the last several years of my father’s life she’d say after your father is gone I’ll sell the house and move to Rossmoor. THEN, I’ll be happy.
Shortly after I got her moved, COVID hit. She’s alone with her increasingly paranoid thoughts. I guess I was in denial. Blaming her many altercations with neighbors and institutions on poor hearing. She has a new hearing aid and it hasn’t helped.
I haven’t yet recovered from the trauma of my father’s dementia. When I visited I had to barricade my bedroom door at night so he wouldn’t try to have sex with me. If I got too close he would reach for my breasts or make the Donald Trump move. If his breakfast wasn’t perfectly prepared he would throw it at me. He called my mother The General and would tell me all twisted tortures he had planned for her and would administer “until she is dead.” One day she called me and said “your father just said something so vile I can’t repeat it.” I told her he constantly said vile things, she just wasn’t able to hear them. The next day she put him into memory care. The third day he broke his hip and a few months later he passed.
His last words to me I will edit because they are shocking offensive but he asked me to sit on his face and after he finished....to suffocate him with my disgusting fat thighs.
This is why I am so reluctant to go through this again. My mother has always been a cruel person, putting others down in order to make herself feel better, and now she’s losing her filter. Sometimes during our phone calls I tally how many times she calls someone an idiot. She wants my husband and I to live with her. I am considering a geriatric care manager.
Sorry, I got carried away there. Feeling distressed.
For what it's worth, if the car and keys are available, I don't think anyone is going to convince a person with dementia not to drive. They won't remember what they've been told anyway. MA DMV expects you to "self-report"!!! AHAHAHAHAHA, sure.
Doctors wouldn't get involved. One wrote her a note on scrap paper saying it isn't safe for her to drive. I made copies to give to her when she asked again, and she wasn't impressed. What does HE know?
YB had the "chat" and took the key. On the way out, I suggested disabling it as I was sure she had another key. Next day, who does she call? Not the person who took the key! NASTY as all hell too! Day after, nastier call demanding I come fix whatever I did to her car. I never touched the key nor did I say a word while he talked, yet it was ME she blamed. Clearly she HAD another key and found it. We had to get it out of there or she would have found a way to get it working (he only removed the battery cable.) Took a while, but she eventually gave up and didn't ask about it anymore. OUT of sight, OUT of mind, eventually...
Is easy. [well, okay, maybe not.]
Disconnect the battery.
Leave wrong / fake keys so she can't actually get in the car.
Get MD authorization.
Get POA authority so you can deal with DMV (or you might be able to anyway).
If she somehow drives, alert the local police. My client called the police on her son and caused all kinds of problems. Once the local police know what's going on, they can handle situations 'better.'
Talking likely won't work. They think they can drive just fine.
If you get rid of the car, say the engine stopped and the mechanic is working on it. Don't get into a long story. gena
Elizabeth
when she would say she still can drive I would remind her that the doctor said he doesn’t want her driving anymore.
and I would always reassure her that she wouldn’t be restricted in any way because I would take her anytime, anywhere.
There's really no "best" or "kind" way to do this. In their mind they are fine and you end up being blamed or yelled at in almost all situations. As noted in my comments to others, mom blamed me and was VERY nasty about it. I did NOT do the talk or take the key, but was there. The various suggestions usually don't work very well. Having them take a simulated test MAY work, but at least one person said there were excuses from mom! Docs won't always help, nor will the police or DMV (police would likely only get involved in the aftermath of an accident - which could be too late!)
Have you ever been lost? I understand your concern. Has she agreed to travel only nearby, and not on the freeways?
If you are sure she is past driving safely, and cannot improve, I suggest borrowing her car, saying anything to make your need urgent.
You can do this!
My dad was sent letter and given an additional 30 days to drive(crazy) before they finally suspended it permanently unless his doctor completes another form verifying he is safe and he can pass drivers rehab program which he cannot!
It was hard on my dad but 2.5 years later it is not as big a deal. He has erroneously in his mind that he is going to court again and getting his license back from the VA(veterans affairs), he does not accept it was taken by DMV, he lost the appeal his ignorant brother put him up to.
I have learned to stop trying to dispute it and just say ok.
Have 2 neighbors visit or u and someone else, distract her, find the keys and either move the car or disable it.
Let her report it stolen but take cop aside and explain it is not.
U could simply have someone disable the battery but if she has enough skill she could call someone to check it.
Best quickest way is to hide the keys, deny deny deny knowing where they are and disable the car.
The only thing that keeps my dad from driving is he believes he is about to get his license back so he doesn't want to get a ticket that could block that.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
If she were to crash into anyone you could be liable, for knowingly allowing her to drive.
Minimally you must DISCONNECT the battery, and disappear her car key. That's your reality. Of course you could also pull its starter, if she knows how to reconnect the battery. Cars are easy to disable, deflate a tire or 2 for visual affects,if needed.
The very same thing happened to my mom; no one even knew she had left the house until we were notified that she ran out of gas over 200 miles from home in another state! That was the "event" for us that everyone with any knowledge of dementia told us would eventually take place. I took her to her doctor, refusing to take no for an answer, and he told her in no uncertain terms that she was no longer allowed to drive. My Mama is very stubborn, to say the least, and would not have given up her beloved car (and sense of freedom) if any of her family had tried to convince her it was for the best. (She even admitted to her granddaughter that if the car was at her house, she would have driven it anyway!)
Thankfully, as I was driving her car home, the brakes were making an awful noise so I took it to the auto repair shop and told them to keep it for as lonnnnng as possible!
We quickly consulted an elder care attorney who advised us not to sell her vehicle since we knew that she would eventually have to apply for Medicaid and it would count against her.
As someone else has pointed out, now that you know she's no longer capable of driving, you are responsible to keep her from behind the wheel to protect not only her but everyone in her path. It's certainly not a job we would have signed up for but it is what it is. More than anything else, your mom just needs to know that she's loved and valued during this very frightening time of change.
It's not an easy road but a lot of good can come out of it. For me, it's been a gift as I have a better relationship with my Mama than I had ever dreamed possible. The LORD works in mysterious ways!
Very scary for your family to have not known your mom had left the house but, I'm so glad your story had a great ending. It could have been disastrous on so many levels being found 200 miles away and in another state to boot.
And yes, the Lord does often work in mysterious ways!
You have a terrible situation on your hands. She can hurt herself or others while driving if she no longer capable of safely driving. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this.
Can you have her doctor tell her that she can no longer drive. My parent’s doctor told them and they accepted it gracefully. Maybe your mom will understand it more fully if s medical professional explains it to her.
Who do you have looking out for her? Can they swipe her keys and continue to transport her to and from where she needs to go or is it possible that she is past that stage and needs more care overall, such as an in home caregiver?
Best wishes to you and your mom. I hope that you find a viable solution soon.
It is the duty of her MD to evaluate whether or not she is save on the road for herself or others. If you take her to the MD, they contact the DMV and you explain that her MD does not feel she should drive. It is better to have someone, such as her MD to do this, thus she is not sore at someone in the home. If she is to the degree of getting lost for six hours, you may likely be able to simply say so&so is borrowing the car, when in fact you still have it, which could pacify her until she asks again b/c she forgot it was being borrowed.
Warm Regards
Dr. B
My LO did that. couldn't find her car. I sent my sibling out, I wrote down directions from Point A to Point B. In route... she says.... There's my car.
Before she called me, the police were called out... took her around to look for her car.....
end of story, she lost her license, can't drive. donated the car.
And insurance companies will ask... WHY IS THAT PERSON STILL DRIVING?