She is showing signs of memory loss herself, she is 77 and on her side of the family, everyone gets some form of severe memory loss (LEWY body or advanced Alzheimer's) - I myself am a Type 1 diabetic and 48 - I moved back at the start of COVID and work from home. She is being very overbearing with my dad- she thinks she knows every health fact on the planet and is liberal in spreading the word. He is miserable with the IPF- watches TV most of the time, does the dishes after dinner, goes to the gym for lung strengthening on the treadmill. I don't have the time to drop everything and help her during the workweek. But, as soon as she sees I am off work- she is demanding that I waste my evening assisting her when I have my own 'adulting' to do. She doesn't respect boundaries. I do help her around the house with cleaning, meal prep, small repair projects and I pay for my internet, 1/3 rd of the gas, water and electric bill and pay my portion of the car insurance - I am not just laying around doing nothing or not pulling my weight when I am able. I dread what is going to happen when my dad dies- she will be like velcro - my brothers are 0 help and because I am the eldest and a daughter- it is gonna ALL fall in my lap.She won't even hire someone to come in and do a once a month cleaning or hire a nurse to assist her with dad's day to day care. UGHHHH
I would say something else is happening with Mom and she needs a hood check up. I am 76 and still do everything for myself and if it doesn't get done, oh well. If Dad can wash dishes and go tovthe gym, why does he need an aide?
It will be very difficult, even with clear boundaries that you defend consistently, to live in that house. Your very presence says "I'm on call" to your Mom and Dad and brothers. I would do everything you can to move out as this will be the cleanest solution for you, and puts your brothers on notice. You need to also have boundaries with them as well. Living with your parents will cause "mission creep", meaning that the convenience of you living there will alone create a situation where you will be doing more than you intend.
The other solution is to not lift a finger unless they pay you a fair wage to help. This will not go down well with your brothers due to "appearances". Money turns people weird.
You and your brothers should make sure your parents have all their legal ducks in a row. Hopefully they have assigned a PoA and it is not each other. If this is the case, they need to have one or 2 of their adult children be their legal representatives. Your Dad seems like he can still pull this off with an attorney or online downloadable forms. Your Mom may be a different story. As they decline at the same time things will spiral out of control until and unless you get the legal part in place. You won't regret the effort of moving them along to this goal. It will also be very important that they have a Will as well.
I wish you success in working through a sustainable arrangement.
Of course she expects you to be available to her when she wants - you're there all the time. You're going to need to move if you want this to change, and truly experience your own adulting.
It's not healthy and it's not working well. He does charge them minimal rent, like $200 a month, but that barely pays for food.
Your situation reminds me of my brother's family. It just sort of 'happened'...and it's so weird.
Your parents probably don't need your financial help, but have enjoyed your physical support.
I wonder at the new son-in-law who seemed totally fine with marrying the 33 yo and moving into her room.
None of these girls can adult and have not been encouraged to do so. Although they all work and could be on their own, none of them are.
Brother is the 'patriarch' of the house, and again, I have to wonder at the new SIL living under his FIL's roof and taking advice from him.
I'd say get out and stay out. Hopefully establish better boundaries.
Or move out, as others suggest. However, there's no reason you couldn't do the things I've listed above first.
Your lives all sound absolutely miserable - but yours wouldn't have to be.
Time to find a room to rent elsewhere. Mom is going to force you to be an UNPAID helper. She's old and desperate. She is bossy and expects it. If she never worked, she won't get it.
Set Mom up with delivered groceries, bills on Auto-Pay, and convince her to get Home Health care to come in a few times a week. Dad's doctor can order it.
THEN GET A PLACE ELSEWHERE, and not be so available.