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She is showing signs of memory loss herself, she is 77 and on her side of the family, everyone gets some form of severe memory loss (LEWY body or advanced Alzheimer's) - I myself am a Type 1 diabetic and 48 - I moved back at the start of COVID and work from home. She is being very overbearing with my dad- she thinks she knows every health fact on the planet and is liberal in spreading the word. He is miserable with the IPF- watches TV most of the time, does the dishes after dinner, goes to the gym for lung strengthening on the treadmill. I don't have the time to drop everything and help her during the workweek. But, as soon as she sees I am off work- she is demanding that I waste my evening assisting her when I have my own 'adulting' to do. She doesn't respect boundaries. I do help her around the house with cleaning, meal prep, small repair projects and I pay for my internet, 1/3 rd of the gas, water and electric bill and pay my portion of the car insurance - I am not just laying around doing nothing or not pulling my weight when I am able. I dread what is going to happen when my dad dies- she will be like velcro - my brothers are 0 help and because I am the eldest and a daughter- it is gonna ALL fall in my lap.She won't even hire someone to come in and do a once a month cleaning or hire a nurse to assist her with dad's day to day care. UGHHHH

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Narcissism does not happen this way. They are born.

I would say something else is happening with Mom and she needs a hood check up. I am 76 and still do everything for myself and if it doesn't get done, oh well. If Dad can wash dishes and go tovthe gym, why does he need an aide?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I think you need to move your diagnosis of your Mom's "severe covert narc" from the mental health box and into the dementia box -- especially if your Mom wasn't like this in her earlier years. There is no cure for dementia and she won't be able to respect or even see any boundaries you put into place. Your Dad seems happy to go along for the ride, so he's no help at all to you, he doesn't seem to see or care about your struggle.

It will be very difficult, even with clear boundaries that you defend consistently, to live in that house. Your very presence says "I'm on call" to your Mom and Dad and brothers. I would do everything you can to move out as this will be the cleanest solution for you, and puts your brothers on notice. You need to also have boundaries with them as well. Living with your parents will cause "mission creep", meaning that the convenience of you living there will alone create a situation where you will be doing more than you intend.

The other solution is to not lift a finger unless they pay you a fair wage to help. This will not go down well with your brothers due to "appearances". Money turns people weird.

You and your brothers should make sure your parents have all their legal ducks in a row. Hopefully they have assigned a PoA and it is not each other. If this is the case, they need to have one or 2 of their adult children be their legal representatives. Your Dad seems like he can still pull this off with an attorney or online downloadable forms. Your Mom may be a different story. As they decline at the same time things will spiral out of control until and unless you get the legal part in place. You won't regret the effort of moving them along to this goal. It will also be very important that they have a Will as well.

I wish you success in working through a sustainable arrangement.
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Reply to Geaton777
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There’s a complete misunderstanding of boundaries here. Please read the actual book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It’s been a big help to many, certainly including me. Boundaries aren’t for mom, or anyone else, they are only for you. As such, no one can break or not respect them, for they are yours. Breaking them only happens when you allow it. It’s not even necessary for anyone to know your boundaries, you know them, you enforce them. Mom’s demands aren’t your commands, you’re an adult, free to make your own decisions. A type 1 diabetic has to be vigilant about health, and this doesn’t sound like a healthy environment. Maybe consider if it’s wise to continue living there. I wish you courage and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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This will continue, and get worse, as long as you continue living in "her home".
Of course she expects you to be available to her when she wants - you're there all the time. You're going to need to move if you want this to change, and truly experience your own adulting.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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My brother has 4 daughters and one son. The son is married and living in his own home. The 'girls' all still live with mom and dad. They are 39, 37, 33 and 30. The 33 yo recently got married and just moved the new husband into her bedroom. Brother states that this is just what he wanted and he expects that his 'girls' will all live at home forever.

It's not healthy and it's not working well. He does charge them minimal rent, like $200 a month, but that barely pays for food.

Your situation reminds me of my brother's family. It just sort of 'happened'...and it's so weird.

Your parents probably don't need your financial help, but have enjoyed your physical support.

I wonder at the new son-in-law who seemed totally fine with marrying the 33 yo and moving into her room.

None of these girls can adult and have not been encouraged to do so. Although they all work and could be on their own, none of them are.

Brother is the 'patriarch' of the house, and again, I have to wonder at the new SIL living under his FIL's roof and taking advice from him.

I'd say get out and stay out. Hopefully establish better boundaries.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Move out. With a job and having paid minimal expenses over the past five years, that should be feasible. Then your mother will have to hire a nurse and caregiver. Free rent is not worth being miserable. You deserve a full "adulting" life at age 48, and the stress is undoubtedly not helpful for your own health issues. Then you can visit your father -- maybe have lunch with him once a week near his gym? You can help with genuine needs but at your own choice and your own availability. Your brothers have their own lives and you should too. It's only all falling in your lap because you're letting it.
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Reply to MG8522
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Dad may be long overdue for an assessment by hospice. If you don't have financial POA and medical POA for both parents, you must get them. Then you will be able to manage their issues yourself. This may make it worse for a while until you get dad into hospice care (he's no doubt ready) and mom on the way to memory care.

Or move out, as others suggest. However, there's no reason you couldn't do the things I've listed above first.

Your lives all sound absolutely miserable - but yours wouldn't have to be.
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Reply to Fawnby
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As long as you are living with your parents, you will be expected (and hounded) by your Mother. Even if you pay your third of expenses, you will still be hounded. Mom will be overbearing with whoever is under her roof. You will be expected to do everything as long as you live there. No getting around it!

Time to find a room to rent elsewhere. Mom is going to force you to be an UNPAID helper. She's old and desperate. She is bossy and expects it. If she never worked, she won't get it.

Set Mom up with delivered groceries, bills on Auto-Pay, and convince her to get Home Health care to come in a few times a week. Dad's doctor can order it.
THEN GET A PLACE ELSEWHERE, and not be so available.
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Reply to Dawn88
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To be frank, your mom sounds very able to be independent, and with a job, you should be able to find at least a shared apartment. My advice? Move.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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SnoopyLove 12 hours ago
Exactly, it’s hard to imagine a roommate situation worse than what the poor OP has going on presently.
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