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I found this article on the very subject you are writing about. I can't fit it all in one post so it will be continued:

Coping With a Dying Loved One's Anger


Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorized that people often go through predictable stages when they are coping with inevitable death. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through every stage, and certainly not always in order, but most dying people will experience a stage of anger and resentment.


Anger is a normal reaction to severe loss. A dying person stands to lose everything and everybody that is important to him. He may feel robbed ​by his illness. If he believes in a higher power, he may blame his God for causing his illness or not curing it. He might even resent his family and friends for continuing to live their lives while he slowly loses his own. He may feel that the doctor isn’t being straight with him, his nurses don’t respond to his demands quickly enough, and that the world has already started to forget him.

Dealing With a Dying Person's Anger

Anger is easily projected onto others, so it’s only natural if your loved one’s anger is directed at you.
If you find yourself dealing with an angry dying person, here are five tips to help you help them.

1.Maintain Adult-Adult Relationships: It’s often easy to treat a sick person like a child; it’s in human nature to care for and infantilize the sick. When you fall into this pattern, what was once an adult-adult relationship becomes one of adult-child. Treating a dying adult as you would a child is likely to backfire and increase the anger a dying person is already feeling.

2 You may have fallen into this pattern without even realizing it, and you will likely see anger directed at you for doing so. It is frustrating and humiliating enough to lose your independence and privacy without being treated like a child. A dying person typically wants to remain in control of themselves, their life, and their decisions for as long as possible. Empowering a dying person to make their own decisions, express their feelings, and remain as independent as possible is an important way to help them move through their anger.

3.Don’t Take it Personally: Angry people sometimes look for someone to blame. When the anger is directed at you, it’s difficult not to take it personally and wonder, what did I do wrong? It’s important to remember that the dying person is not angry at you, but at the illness and his situation in general.3 Although his anger might be directed towards you, it is not by any fault of your own.

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I can certainly understand how heartbreaking this must be for you and your dad. Perhaps if you can let your mother know that you and dad will be ok when she goes, it would ease her mind and her transition will be a little easier on you both. We never want our loved ones to suffer, nor do we want to lose them; hospice does such a wonderful service, for the patient and the family. They do offer grief counseling as well, so maybe you and dad could take advantage of this when the time comes. Blessings to you in your journey forward....Liz
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eselman1 Feb 2020
Thank you so much, yes hospice has been so amazing and I will definitely be utilizing their grief counseling. I appreciate so much you taking the time to share. I have definitely had those moments where I shared with her it was okay to go and how sorry I am that she has had to go through this and that I would be okay. This has been a brand new thing for her and its just so painful but of course I care more about honoring her wishes than mine. Just so hard to deal with and have this be the end of her life and her not wanting me.
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I’m very sorry for you. I don’t know anyone who has gone through something like this. This might not be helpful to you, but maybe I see your Mom’s side. Maybe when she sees the two most important people in her life, you & your Dad, it makes it harder on her to leave this world. Also, could it be she doesn’t want you to see or remember her this way?
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eselman1 Feb 2020
thank you so much. yes it could totally be that. appreciate your response and time.
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It is possible that she can't bear to see you or your father because she doesn't want to think about leaving you two in particular. Certainly that was my first thought once you'd explained that you and she had always had such a lovely relationship, so it couldn't be that there was anything like conflict or past hurt that she might have to deal with.

Don't you think that makes sense?

But it can't make it much easier for you. Can you and your father perhaps think of things you can do for your mother, in the house but not in her room? Setting her breakfast tray, folding her clothes, the kind of task that you can do with loving care without intruding on her. Also, I should stay nearby anyway, in case she changes her mind.

What does the hospice team advise? They may be able to put you in touch with counsellors. Of course they are there for your mother, and they will prioritise her needs and wishes, but supporting family members is also part of the hospice role.
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eselman1 Feb 2020
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful answer and also just for taking the time to write me back. Those are great suggestions. I met with the hospice social worker on Friday and she was a great listener but wasn't able to provide any feedback. I would love to believe its because of our special relationship but I just don't know how to tell my mind to tell my heart. All I want of course is to be close to her in these last days. its so excruciating. I will go today again and try. Thank you
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