My mom is in a nursing home, severely depressed, and wants to die. How can I make her life better?

She is most likely suffering from depression. Ask your brother to have a geriatric psychiatrist evaluate and treat her. She also would do better with hearing aids and getting involved in some activity. Maybe she would enjoy art.

Make peace with yourself.
Realize what you can and cannot realistically do.
I sense you are going through a grieving process - letting go. We (I am in a similar situation with a friend) want to do more than what we are doing or able to do.
It hurts; it is sad; it is frustrating when we want to support someone we love and we cannot due to circumstances: physical distance, a pandemic, and dementia.

Perhaps all you can do is listen to her text messages. AND respond with kindness and do not directly respond/answer her questions-comments (as you pose here).
If she will understand, tell her that you are praying for her; bring God into the picture if she relates. Respond with icons of hearts or whatever she will relate to (trees?)

Crying may be a way you are grieving. It also may be emotionally and psychologically detrimental to your well-being. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and then learn that life has its own timing of how a person transitions. Accepting this is a way of letting go of the burden of responsibility you have and continue to place on yourself.

During the day (not at night when you are vulnerable / crying), write a list of all that you have done for your mother over the 10 years. You have done a lot for her and I am sure she appreciated it. Learn to appreciate yourself for all that you extended to her. While this may not be easy to do, you can shift your thinking / consciousness - guide it by giving yourself different options in how to consider a situation, feel what 'letting go' feels like.

Be aware of taking good care of yourself during these times when you want things / situations to be different and you cannot make them different.

It is very sad and it hurts when someone we love says they want to die. Especially when we want to make their quality of life 'better' and we cannot.

I understand how they feel. If I were in my friend's place, I would not want to live either. And yet, it may be or feel like a cruel reality that we cannot go when we feel we want to. I realize the limits of what I can and cannot do. What I can do is pick up the phone when he calls me 4-5-6 times within an hour, full of anxiety and fear. I can tell him I love him. I can bring him goodies to eat when I visit. However, I cannot change the foundation of his situation. Showing compassion and patience to another - and our self - being present - is often all we can do. AND that is a lot.

Take care of you and honor how you feel.
Let Go and Accept.

Gena / Touch Matters

I live in Colorado and my 82 yr old mother with Alz and step dad (just dad from here on) moved here when dad was diagnozed with Pancreatic cancer early this year. Mom has moderate decline but was/is very smart and very private and apparently has 'been done' for years. Her health is near perfect. She has no use for social interaction and can (and was at times over the past 40 years) be harsh to point of meanness with comments to my step dad. At the same time she has always donated money to charities going back to sending letters to Honda and Toyota in the 70's to stop hunting whales. She dotes on her cat like it was a small child. She acts with both extremes of kindness and snottyness.

I wasn't close to folks after high school but did see them periodically and we had nice visits, but always kind of at arms length.

Now I'm in a position to transition dad to hospice and figure out what to do with mom. I see bits and pieces of advice on these forums that apply and I really appreciate the wisdom and life experience shared here.

Ultimately I have to deal with my feelings and make decisions on how to help mom and how much to try to improve the situation for mom when she says she just wants to be done.

Reading the perspectives of people here expands my imagination so I can ask: Does my mom really want help? Does she need help but she get's in her own way? Is my mom just selfish and mean? Is my mom just tired and done? What would I want in her shoes if I hadn't developed any true friends over the years and I was losing my mental faculties so I could no longer track my favorite causes and support them?

All the conversations here have helped me to better understand where I am at with my mother and I thank everyone for their comments.

I had read about these and how they made a positive effect on people lives but was still very sceptical. However I am always trying to find something to cheer mother up so I ordered one up. I'll be honest I thought she would think I was totally mad and being patronising, however to my surprise one facetiming with her today (one day after arrival) she kept on about how wonderful it is - I'm not really sure I know what to think, or why it appeals, but with Christmas on the horizon MAYBE - JUST MAYBE - it might help your mom to feel less alone, and having something to care for. Its beyond me, but its a suggestion. (Joy for all companion pet) https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Robotic-Reclining-Orange-Tiger/dp/B07JMM8MFF/ref=sr_1_4?crid=10NQJRJ5VHV22&keywords=joy+for+all+companion+pets&qid=1639079850&sprefix=jpy+for+%2Caps%2C266&sr=8-4

What do you say when she says that.
She may need to know that she is heard and you care for her. Yes it will likely keep repeating.

First off: bless you. For taking care of her for ten years. I don't know what would make you or her happy, but I would start by sending her flowers, or small toys, or funny cards. Send them often, along with your love. It'll help...

I would not "Call her bluff or ask her if she wants to setup a hospice evaluation."
Everyone is different and everyone comes from different situations, but it seems so mean to say those things to an elderly parent.

Either let it go (let it be) or get her out.

I’m of the camp that the best you could do would be to help her feel heard and her grief acknowledged. I imagine she is in mourning so many losses, like her independence, her health, her purpose… For almost a year, my mother thought she was dying and after emergency surgery, having become bedridden and disabled, she would tell me things like, “I’ve lived a long life, I’m ready to go.” She wanted to know why my sister and I called 911 and authorized surgery. At times she got quite impatient about death, feeling frustrated and even sometimes outraged that she hadn’t yet passed. We had several conversations about how even the doctors didn’t know how long she had, and all we could do was try to have good days and enjoy the time we had left. I said I was sorry, but I didn’t have it in me to hasten her death.

As sad as these conversations were, I got to connect with my mom on such an intimate level, I got to know her better, and I will always cherish having had them with her. And her attitude actually improved over time. She still maintains that she is ready to go, but she’s generally no longer anxious about it. I think she (and I!) have finally accepted that she will only pass when it is her time, and no one can say when that will be.

It is a special kind of tragedy to be long distance from a loved one in decline. Since I’m no longer with my mom on a daily basis, and my mom is also hard of hearing, I just do what I can to help her remember she is loved. I send her notes and treats, visit as often as I can, anything I can think of to make sure she doesn’t feel forgotten.

This is a very desperate situation which we really can't avoid hearing our parents saying those things. The only thing that we can do to make them happy is to let them know and feel their importance. Usually our parents at their age felt they're no longer need by their children. They have already the feeling of depression eveytime their family shows them they're no longer important in the house. And also if you talk to them and once you yelled to them coz they cannot heard you anymore clearly, they feel you don't respect them anymore. These are the things that we should avoid to get them feel what they don't like and wanted to see and feel. We should still let them feel their importance in our life by asking their advice to show them that they still important to us and we still need them. We should also avoid quarrel infront of them, this will make them feel they're the main reason of the descussion eventhough they're not part of it they will still insist of it.

it sounds like you have set things up as you once wanted them and aren’t asking how to solve her problems but how to solve yours. There are two solutions - either let it go (let it be) or get her out.

If you are asking how to make things better for your mom, it seems as you clearly know what to do. Don’t be offended or hurt if people suggest you get her out - this would be the only solution for many of us.

You say she has dementia, but she is at least able to communicate and text. if you are not going to pick her up, you might as well block her texts. This is less cruel in the long run - then she will not anguish and waste her time begging you and ultimately dying holding out for false hope.

How terribly terribly sad that you even brought this dilemma to a site with the word “care” in it.

I’m sure you will get many “high-fives” and some irrational consolation from this crowd if you choose to do nothing but feel sorry for yourself.

I am always amazed that some people institutionalize their parents and then spend time on this forum feeling sorry for (not their parents, but) themselves and commiserating here instead of actually VISITING their parents.

It is not guilt-tripping if you are offering the poster an alternative solution. There are two sides to every decision and the poster is asking for opinions, not just opinions that validate her decisions.

Anyone advocating for NH should live in one for a week. They will know how lonely it is. If it is not your children’s responsibility to look after you when you are frail and make you happy, whose responsibility is it - some underpaid and overworked strangers in the nursing home? If you cannot care for your family, do you really think strangers will step in and do that for you? Wait until you are old and frail and your children dump you at some facility and you’ll see what it feels like to be forgotten.

These are my opinions, not an attack on anyone.

Call her bluff and set up a hospice evaluation

Ask her if she'd like you to arrange a hospice evaluation for her? Because, really, what other reply is appropriate to a woman requesting to "Let her die"? Think about it. And then following up the ridiculous statement with the accusation that you don't love her, after you cared for her in your home for 10 years and now feel the need to cry nightly for the guilt trips she's sending you on? As if you have the power of God, to wave your magic wand and allow her to "just die" like a wilted rose in winter. How very dramatic and theatrical! 😁 [[[[[wipes brow with back of hand with fluttering lashes]]]]

The people here giving you lectures about what YOU are "doing wrong" are seeing only one side of a two headed nickel. And every time you toss it, YOU lose. Mommy wins that game because it's rigged in her favor and you're set up to be The Bad Guy every time. I know because my 95 yo mother invented that game! Just tonight she didnt answer her phone 4x in a row when I called her at the Memory Care, which made me nervous......of course. She then calls me back 30 minutes later sounding half dead to croak out that she has a fever. Oh, of what? I ask. Oh I don't know, my girl is here taking care of me. Great, put the girl on. On comes the CG who is nervously laughing in an odd way when I ask about mom's fever. She has no fever, the CG says, and mom is WINKING at her from her wheelchair. And the band played on. Just another ploy on mother's part to see if she can keep me awake and worrying tonight. For NOTHING.

Fact check everything mother tells you with the staff. My mother tells me she's alone like a dawg and assorted other Lies but when I call to fact check, she's yucking it up in the activity room with the other residents or kissing up to the CGs. They've put her on the phone in the activity room when I've called and her voice immediately gets hoarse and weepy from happy and jovial when she hears it's ME on the line.

Don't automatically buy into the b.s. without fact checking first. If it turns out she's depressed, get her a psych evaluation and some anti depressants. My mother takes the max dose daily and has since I got her doc involved in 2011. She requires 24/7 care in managed care due to being wheelchair bound and taking 87 falls, having AFib, pulmonary hypertension, CHF, neuropathy and chronic gastro issues. So yeah, living with me would mean I'd have died long ago. Others who lecture have sweet little old ladies for mother's and are clueless the levels of manipulation these women are capable of, even with dementia!

I've been called everything from "cold" and heartless to truthful and a lifesaver for my truth I speak here. I tell the other side of the story many of us face and suffer with. I'm a 64 yo only child with chronic stomach issues and anxiety from the suffering my mother has caused me my whole life. So I like to let others know it's OKAY to vent, it's OKAY to place a parent in managed care, it's OKAY to be human and to CRY UNCLE and say ENOUGH. It's OKAY to take care of OURSELVES too, in all this. We matter too, by God! The elder is NOT the only important person here! Keep that in mind.

ASD3456: It's, of course, easier said than done, but do not expend any more emotional toil on possible tears. That is going to come across as callous, but it isn't meant as such. You could state to your mother "Tomorrow is another day filled with sunshine and love," something akin to an upbeat attitude.

You need to realize something - old people get many physical and mental problems and living with them at home can be difficult, if not impossible. No one is ever happy when they are no longer as they were and are put into a nursing home (I'd rather die first and will make sure of it). They know they are old and waiting to die and there is nothing on earth you can do to change the dynamics. Just listen and don't argue if they want to die. They need to say what they feel. Love them as best you can, but with boundaries, and know this is life - there is no other option.

You’ve done all you could do. Thankfully, she’s in a home that will keep her even though she’s nasty to staff. That’s how dementia is ..& believe me…it gets worse. Visit when you can, but don’t feel guilty if you can’t go every day. Hugs 🤗

Once again, browsing the range of replies: 'let me die' is a very common phrase with elders, and even if mom is truly depressed, it's still a guilt trip; of course she is lamenting her situation, her aged condition, and grieving for her former life...who wouldn't, honestly? But you are not responsible for 'making her happier.' You are making sure she is in a safe place. Maybe this particular facility isn't the right one for her; that is something that could be determined. Your brother and his family can visit her more often than you can, due to distance; all of you can look into the best possible placement for your mom after she's had appropriate evaluations by professionals (doctors, etc.) It is rotten to feel one has been 'turned out' of a home, but you've already come to your limit...you are human, you have to take care of you to truly 'be there' for your mom with what is the current reality. Reassure your mom that you love her and regret she is feeling adrift. Make sure her facility is doing all they can to engage her in activities. Try to help her see this is a Type of Retirement...like a 'resort', even if it is humble circumstances there is opportunity for making the most of this chapter of her life. You understandably feel sad for the situation, but don't take it on as any kind of shame; aging happens to all of us and no one can predict the form it takes. Resilience is the key, which has to be 'exercised' (like a muscle!)

My husband is in a nursing home with the Alzheimers quite advanced. For the last 5 plus years I have found to have a soft squishy dog near him is a blessing. He hugs it. If you put it in the nap of her neck she will feel the comfort of it. As the stages have moved on, it has been a way to calm him down. Worth a try. But it has to be soft and cuddly not scary.

Your mom sounds like a Travel Agent for guilt trips. Just tell her you are sorry she is feeling down and you hope she feels better tomorrow. You do not have to listen/read her verbal beatings. You are not keeping her alive. That old ploy of "Just let me die" is as old as the hills.
What can you do?
As soon as you see the first word of abuse, and that is what she is doing, delete the text. Don't read the rest.
Tell her "Mom, I am sorry you are feeling down. When you participate in social gatherings you will probably feel better". repeat as necessary. Copy and paste is great for this.
Remember, you cannot make her feel anything, she is choosing to feel the way she is. She is hoping to make you feel bad. That is unloving.

Awe bless your heart. She probably is really really lonely and feels abandoned ... NH are rotten places in that, they cannot possibly substitute for loving homes, caring family and tender care they so long for.
One thought is :
Is this the most appropriate placement? Perhaps a lower level of care is possible like an assisted living near you.
In my family, my brother is a nice guy but he does not provide the same kind of emotional support that I do to my mom. (Also depressed and lonely for my attention and care. )
Texting is so cold and distant and cannot substitute for really loving conversation. Perhaps the social worker can help provide equipment that can assist her in connecting better with people who love her. Isolation really is such a killer to older adults. My parents are now starting to thrive when they went to a senior housing situation instead of isolated in their old house alone and at risk.
Im also struggling how to fill up my mother's emotional tank from a distance. It's incredibly difficult..cause all they long for is you in person holding hugs, Touch, Laughter and love.
Im praying for you and God's wisdom in this immense struggle .
Blessings..

Please ask your brother to arrange for mom to get evaluated and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist. Depression is common in older folks.

I'm a little shocked at the many responders who say let her mom be miserable. Getting older and losing your independence is traumatic - add being separated from her home and loving family - what do you guys expect? Covid restrictions have made nursing home visits few and far between. This woman - who is coherent and relatively young (79) - feels abandoned. ASD3456 loves her mom and is looking for constructive ways to make her mother's life brighter - let's focus on that!
ASD3456 I understand how helpless you must feel. The extreme fix would be to get her in-home care where she could live with you but have aides to care for her most of the day. I'm not sure what your finances are, but it would probably cost as much or less than a nursing home. You can also apply for Medicaid Community care which will allow in-home care. Would another facility be better for her? These are hard choices....
If all this is out of the question, and as someone else suggested, can you/brother hire a personal "companion" to join her in NH activities, do crafts, play music, color, go through picture albums, etc? Regular staff cannot possibly give your mom the time and attention she needs to pull her out of herself and participate.
Can she be fitted for a hearing device? Being able to hear better can be a game changer. Wireless headphones to enjoy TV were a godsend for my mom.
Bluetooth earplugs can help her listen to the music she loves.
There is a phone with video that can spell out the dialogue (research "captioning videophone") where your mom can visually connect to you and her family & old friends.
Is she on antidepressants? Make sure she is not being over or under medicated.
Can you have a clergyman from her religion to go to see her each week?
Can you take her out for an extended visit during the holidays? Can brother do it on some long weekends?
This is a problem that is not easily solvable - it takes a LOT of brainstorming and a concerted effort on all parts. Most of all, put yourself in her shoes, and realize the only thing that will make your mom 100% happy is to be back with her family. If this is an impossibility, create a dialogue whereby she can express her sadness, and you can accept hearing it without responses that are clouded with guilt. You are NOT guilty - it is just an unfortunate circumstance. Continue to be the loving daughter you are. I wish you the best.

We hear you! IMHO, since your mom is safe, and it's time to work on *you*. Get therapy - with telehealth there are more options nowadays than ever before. If you don't mind a Christian book, read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

And speaking of someone who could use therapy, ignore Bevthetroll. She needs a hobby.

Sad but the truth of it is Nursing Homes are a Horrible Place to live! They are all understaffed!
Pattention if deemed a problem will get medicated and can end up like a Zombie.

Nusing Homes make you feel like you were dumped off in He'll, you feel Unloved, you are Depressed and your will to live diminishes.

The only thing that will help your mom to live longer and be happier is to let her come live with you again.

She will die in the Nursing Home alone and unhappy.

The patients are really ignored except to give them their meds and food.

I know this from 1st hand experience.

If you need help going to the bathroom, they won't answer your button you push for help and you won't be able to hold it and you will end up sitting in your own urine and feces for up to 45 minutes if you're lucky, could be longer.

Praters that mom can live with a loved one and hire some Caregiver or Sitter help.
Install Cameras so if you have to leave the house to work, ect you have 24 7 viewing of her from your cell phone or computer to make sure she's ok.

If she can text, she is more lucid than most people in the NH, I suppose. If she has the money to spend on the NH, can you not use that money to get care for her at home? It is less expensive and you get 1-on-1 care in the environment where she would be happy in her final years.

Also, would you like your kids to place you in a facility where you do not want to be?

I think folks are really tolerant. She is your mother; what a thing to lay on you! When she says it, ask her why she is telling you that? What does she want you to do, or how does she want you to feel? She will die, as we all will. I would reassure her of that, tell her you aren't going to help her die. There is nothing you can do about that wish, except feel very depressed when she says it. What would she like to do while she waits? I suspect she is angry that she is in a nursing home and failing. Understandable, much better if she talks about that. It might help her move along. She will drive you away if she keeps talking that way, you will have to distance yourself emotionally if not in actions. I suspect you are human and can be hurt. I suspect it makes feel angry at her and your guilt turns that into depression. Learned at a mother's knees? It is her turn to experience the end of life. It will be your turn some day. Tell her it hurts you, and angers you, maybe she will be able to talk about her anger in response.

My mother, who is now totally incapacitated in memory care, used to say "It's tough getting old." The worst thing is the loss of capabilities (such as hearing and communication), especially for people who were active and independent. Please don't take her accusations personally. Your mother would probably be unhappy no matter where she is. You are not responsible for her state of happiness or unhappiness. That comes from within. Are you her POA for medical decisions? If she is still capable of discussing things, go over her advance medical directives (living will) with her. Some people go so far as to include items such as not to be fed if they are incapable of feeding themselves. Regarding improving her quality of life, does she still watch TV with closed captions? Can you talk to staff to discuss different ways to communicate with people who are deaf?

This part of life -- dealing with an aging parent who needs care at a level more than we as adult children can reasonable give and keep them safe, especially when they have dementia, depression, are nasty and unappreciative -- is so, so very hard.

FunkyGrandma59 gave great advice in my opinion; that is adult daughters and sons are not responsible for mom's happiness. Letting go of this "I have to find a way to make mom happy" voice running in your head is one of the hardest things to do but it can be done with time, practice and self love. Love and prayers to all dealing with this. You are a good daughter and are doing what you can.

If various approaches have been tried, antidepressants given, social and exercise activities offered to her in her NH but she chooses to not participate in any of it; then things are just not going to change. Being kind, offering nice notes/cards, treats and brief calls/visits if you can (if does not upset you too much) are good; but do not allow yourself to be draw into any drama, guilt tripping, or nasty lashing out behavior. There is no rule saying you have to become your mom's personal punching bag. Walk away if that starts to happen, nicely say I have to go now or I have to end the call now.

I am dealing with this now too. My mom (85) has been in a great NH for over a year (dementia, COPD, diabetes, cannot walk, depression). She refuses to do anything, will not participate in any activities, will not socialize with any other residents. She stays in her room with the TV blasting 24/7, with the lights out and the blinds closed. Yes, she is on 2 Rx meds for depression. Yes, the staff, her geriatric physician and geriatric psychiatrists have tried many things. Mom refuses to do anything to help herself in any way. She refused hearing aids; needed them 10 years ago. Sometimes she refuses to shower (of course they have to take her to the shower room, she cannot walk on her own). She refuses to leave her room, even to go out side when the weather is nice and NH is on beautiful grounds right next to a golf course.

The outbursts, lashing out, accusations were just to awful for me to take. Every call or visit turned her into a raving bully and me into a mental reck. I have had to go almost "no contact." Other than sending her simple nice notes/cards (Happy Thanksgiving) or dropping off treats every so often (I do not visit, I just do the drop off) is about all I can do. I am an only child, no sibs to share this burden with. Only one living uncle and bless his heart he does visit mom every other week, about all he can take.

Finding and working with a therapist for you, is also a good idea. I have been working with a wonderful one for almost a year now. Your qualify of life and your mental heath are key here too, right! Crying every night is not good for your quality of life much less your mental health. Working through this to accept that you cannot make mom happy is had work, but that work in time will ease the pain.

Love and prayers to all going through this.

Hello is your mum on a depression tablet? Or is there any way you can take her out now and again give her something to look forward to or something she enjoys drawing, knitting, just a few ideas.

Obviously you have done the usual things, getting her see by a hearing specialist, any wax cleared then fitted with the best aids available. Talked to the director of her facility about physio for her hands - you don't say why she can't write but I will assume therefore that she cannot feed, or wash herself, cannot get dressed etc. If it is not a physical problem then perhaps a neurologist could help and determine if she has something akin to FND. Assuming you have done these things then unfortunately the position she is in is going to be permanent. Covid has made visiting people in facilities very difficult, we have one friend in a home that has only been allowing visitors for two week out of the time she has been there - she went in July. Settling in is hard enough but to be isolated at the same time is incredibly difficult for our loved ones to understand. It is a pity she won't join in any activities - the person in charge must have come across deaf residents before so talk to the director and ask why there is nothing suitable for her if there really isn't and her reluctance isn't down to depression. Which they should consider if she is not taking part in anything and is being "nasty" to staff - very often that is one of the signs of depression. You have done everything you can for her for ten years. You should certainly NOT be feeling any guilt that you couldn't do more. You have found somewhere that can provide the care it had become impossible for you to manage alone, that is the kind and loving thing to do. And the wanting to die - distressing though it is to hear, every person who realises they cannot do what they used to and things cannot be as they were goes through a stage of saying this. Very few mean it, and each has to be handled differently -with my mother the only way to deal with it was to say "that is a choice only you can make", again it isn't anything you should feel guilty about its probably frustration but again could be a sign of depression. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad about her situation and that Covid has stopped as many visits as one might like, but none of it is your fault in any way. Perhaps something as simple as a newspaper each day would help, but get the facility Dr to assess her for depression, there are specialist drugs available for the elderly such as Mirtazapine, and look after you - maybe a general check up for you and maybe joining a group therapy would help you feel less alone and distressed. You are a loving daughter and Mom is lucky to have you and your brother around. I don't know if your mother's room has internet access but we have been able to supply my mother with a tablet with just facetime on (we have hidden everything else) and she calls us and just leaves it on as we go about our chores, I think it makes her feel closer even if it makes us feel as though we are the exhibits at a zoo.