My mother has moderate staged dementia and refuses in-home care and help making sure she takes her medications correctly. She claims nothing is wrong with her and that she has sense enough to read the medicine labels and take them accordingly. Before and especially since we hired 24-hour in-home care, she has verbally and a few times physically abused my father for not making “those people” go away. Because she did not take her medications properly, she developed large clots in her legs and had a vascular procedure. To move her to an assisted living facility, we told her she needed “rehab” post surgery. She has no memory of the vascular procedure, claims she has seen no doctors since she has been in “rehab”, and claims that she can take care of herself. Daily, she cries and begs to go home. When my father visits, they both end up crying the entire visit and calling me begging to let her go home. When I visit, I find her stretched across her be, crying and fretting in fear that she has been abandoned to die. She has no memory of any of our visits. Sometimes, I wonder if I should let her return home as long as she has 24-hour care and directed medication. It didn’t work before, though. Sometimes i wonder if she would be better if my dad moved in with her. There is room for him with her. BUT, even though my dad has dementia at the moderate stage, too, he is not as far along as she is, and he is NOT able-bodied (many, many falls and can hardly walk), he vows he will never move. I thought this arrangement would provide a bit of a reprieve, but it has only increased my own stress. I get calls at work and at all hours of the night regarding her behavior (running the halls and screaming that she must go home), and sometimes, the facility says they want me to talk to her to try to get her calmed down. I don’t know what to do.
If that works, it will give you a break to sort out the future. Worth a try?
I worked in a nice AL some years ago. I saw personally myself residents who did very well in our facility. They had active social lives, took part in our activities and entertainments, ate well, and were living their best lives. The second a family member called or showed up, the 'performance' started. The crying, begging to go home, the miserable complaining, and often the lies about such things as them being starved, abused, and imprisoned. The show was usually over as fast as it began when the family phone call or visit ends.
Talk to some of the aide staff at the AL. They are the ones who interact with the residents the most. Ask them how your mother is when you or your father aren't around. You might be surprised.
Don't bring your mother home because even with live-in care, she has serious dementia and your father has mobility issues and dementia himself. Homecare would not be the best option or them. I worked in homecare for 25 years and have an agency now. I would not recommend you move your mother back home. Move your father to the AL. Ask your mother's doctor to prescribe her medication for anxiety and depression. Some may come in liquid form that can be put into her food and drinks without her even knowing and it will help.
Anosogonosia is a condition where an elder with dementia cannot understand or recognize their own disorder. They will never acknowledge their dementia or admit their deficits. My mother was "perfectly fine" until the day she died at 95. There was no telling her otherwise. So it was the doctor (who was a "dirty liar") who ordered her care in Memory Care Assisted Living.
Taking her home is a mistake because the same issues she had before she will have again, only worse, as the dementia progresses. It's not a bad idea to have dad move in with her, imo. It's just a matter of time before he requires more care himself.
I'd stop taking calls at work and after dinner. One call a day is sufficient from mom.
Best of luck to you.
We finally convinced the assisted living facility to give my mother lazorapam every 8 hours (instead of after episodes of frantic anxiety had begun) to get in front of her anxiety, but now she sleeps through most days.
Yes, she belongs in memory care, but this facility only had o e assisted living suite when we inquired.
The ultimate goal is to have both parents there, and I thought that my dad would decide to move in with her on e he began to miss her. He says he cries himself to sleep every night, but that is not changing his determination to stay at home until he dies. He also, on some level, may be enjoying the distance from my mon’s cruel ire.
Your mother first of all, does see you and father, when you visit, as her "means of escape" and as her "saviors". When it becomes clear you are not she cries and mourns and to be honest, she has a right to, and this is WORTH mourning. IF this is continuing when you are not present she needs MD assessment and medication. If not, the allow her to mourn as she adjusts, keep the visits short, visit a bit less so that she CAN adjust to what is now her new world.
Things WILL come to a head with your Dad. He will fall. He will survive it or he will not. He will require placement. You can act now pre-emptively, or you can wait. There is no perfection in end of life decisions and that's where you are.
I am so sorry. You are dealing with BOTH of them and with the approval, the assessments, the financial aspects. I cannot even begin to imagine all you are going through. Again, I hope you will find an answer, but they now need to be in care.
THIS IS NOT A HAPPY TIME.
YOU are not RESPONSIBLE for their happiness and cannot create it.
This is a very SAD time in life and will have to embrace that and walk this walk within it. I am so very sorry.
Tell Dad that Mom needs him with her ( to get him to move ) .
Dad shouldn’t be home alone either .
Have doctor order antidepressants / calming meds for Mom , ( and Dad too if needed at some point ).
I would just make sure that their assisted living facility has a memory care unit attached so at least they can still visit each other daily when one progresses past the care an assisted living facility can provide.
To me that is the simplest solution, and a win win for all involved.
Moving dad in with mom is a good idea BUT if mom has been verbally abusive to him in the past will she do that again?
There are medications that could help mom's depression and anxiety. they may make her m ore of a fall risk though. And it might take a little while to get the right medication or dose.
As to your dad...
You say he is NOT able bodied. and that he will never move. You also know this is not going to go well. Can you get him to move in with mom with the idea that this is "temporary". That will get him the care that he will need later, it may calm mom down a bit. And may lessen the phone calls to you. If the verbal abuse does happen then adjusting mom's meds again might help.
My mother did not have dementia, my father has a mild case (he's 96). We managed to place my mother in the same LTC facility as my father. They were together until my mother passed in June. It just made it easier on their children for them to both in the same place.
I second that your dad also needs to be placed. I like the suggestion of renting their home out. Also, who is going to get the home according to their will? Maybe that person could be the home caretaker or even the one who rents it? If this is doable and would comfort your dad.
I’m sorry to hear you are having to deal with all this at once. It sounds SO very stressful.
She is suffering and needs calming meds.
The facility shouldn't be calling you at all hours about her "behavior." They are being paid to handle it. This is very unprofessional of them to try to make YOU handle so much stress.
How does Dad manage to visit her? He obviously finds a way. Both of them are very stubborn and you can't reason with people with dementia. Why does Dad need to be "able-bodied" to live there?
I'd make it clear to the facility you think Mom needs calming meds, she is suffering and it is cruel not to keep her calm.
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