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I can't help but wonder? And don't have the answer. But why do so many of us give up ourselves to care for our parents? Or others? My goodness, are we that special of a bunch? Or that messed up of a bunch? Not really sure. But I wish you the best, that's for sure.
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bettina Jan 2019
Ha ha , good one Lynn. But seriously maybe it's a bit of both. Could be
a nice mix of being codependent and empathetic. One's good -- the
other not so good.
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Just one more thing. I lost a 13 year relationship dealing with this whole situation with my mother. Don't necessarily regret it now because I chose to put her first at that time. My decision. But, you also have to figure out a way to keep your life somewhat intact and happy and take care of her also. I don't know much about the Medicaid deal, but other people here will. And no offense, but I'm a little younger than you. But not by much. LOL. My suggestion? Leave the guilt alone. Serves no purpose. You're not a bad son. Just trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. Things have a way of working out. Explore your options, something will come up.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
I hear you lynnm12. Last time Mom lived with us my wife gave me the ultimatum one dark day. We have a small summer home at the shore. My wife informed me either my mother was going or she would pack herself up and move to the summer house. A post here gave me a golden gem I have used ever since: Your priorities are simple; first is your spouse, second is your family, third is your parents. It's when I have doubts about this that I get depressed. I'm good to go now I think.
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I want to thank you all again. I have managed, with your help, to move forward confidently with my plan for the day Mom's money runs out. Today I had some good words from her current AL's director about their desire to keep her there as a permanent resident working with her ability to pay. She gets almost $2k a month in SS and pension. A little more than a third (40%) of her current cost. I am hopeful. I would gladly have her money go directly to the AL while my wife and I take care of her other small expenses. I'll keep you all posted.
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rovana Jan 2019
Wonderful!  Hope this all works for you and please keep us posted. We all learn from each other!
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Richard, VA benefits are definitely worth pursuing! There is a tab on this site for Veterans Benefits, start there. You need your dad's discharge papers, if you dont have them, you'll need to request them.

Let us know how you're doing!
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Ok Barb, I will get out what I have and report back if I can. Mom has never put in for anything from the VA. First thing in the morning I will look.
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My Mom was one of the most headstrong people I'd ever met. My cousin is the head nurse on a 70+ bed dementia facility and he said he never met a more headstrong person than my mom.
When I realized she had dementia, I took her (fighting all the way) to see a geriatrician who suggested medication that was a mix of nemenda and zolft. She said it would mellow Mom out and she was 100% right. We've titrated the mix up and down as new situations arose. We had to take away and sell her car, move her from her home to a number of facilities on the opposite coast, get her to see other doctors, wear diapers and now sleep in a hospital bed with railings in our home. She uses a walker (when I'm around). She is a pleasant and grateful as any human could possibly be. She is kind, sweet, funny as hell and a joy to be with. Without meds, she is impossible.

If you are struggling with an uncooperative parent, consider looking for and getting appropriate medication for your parent. Their nervous systems are worn out and they need medical support to be their best selves.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thanks Marlene, she is going to see a geriatric specialist this month.
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Richard
Your mother is currently in a facility. Why would you feel guilty about moving her into another facility? I would have thought the guilt would have come with the initial move. My mother passed in December. I kept her at home for 7 years then her Alz. became to difficult to manage. She was in a assisted living facility for almost 4 years. After a stroke I had to move there to a nursing home as she could no longer transfer. I considered bringing her home but knew I would need in home care almost around the clock. I found the care that she received in the nursing home was much better than the assisted living facility. She was cleaner and had more attention when she was eating. Just because she is not living with you does not mean you will not be caring for her. Give the nursing home a try. If you do not like it or have guilt bring her home. I realize this is very difficult.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thanks Linda, my mom has begged to "come home." She has no recollection of how badly she impacted our "home" life to point of breaking us up, twice. Guilt is something she does very well. Even my oldest daughter who helps me by visiting her grandmom tells me she is a different person when I am not around. That is the source of my guilt and my determination to work through it. She will not be coming home, we can't care for her 24x7. I know that.
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Have you checked with the manager of the facility to see if your mother has to leave if she goes on Medicaid? How long has your mother done self pay? My mother is in a facility that she has to only do 2 years of self pay and if her money is gone at the end of the 2 years they will accept Medicaid and she can stay in the same room until she passes. Fortunately, she has been in the facility for 3 years and still doing self pay. Her money will be gone at this years end, but we don't have to worry what happens to her.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Hello Sandy, this facility only accepts private pay. My mom ended up there because her former AL closed. Her current AL is the last open AL (non-nursing home) in our area. There are 2 nursing homes that do take Medicaid and will help me apply. The reason I didn't move her into one of those was because they are much more expensive. I was trying to stretch her money. My plan is to move mom into one of the NH's with about 2 months of money remaining and let her run out while she is there. They will hold her with Medicaid pending. I could move her now with what I know but it is going to be a traumatic event I would rather postpone.
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Richard, I sent you a PM with info about getting discharge info. Hope this helps.
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Richard41 Jan 2019
Thank you BarbBrooklyn! I will look for it.
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