My mother is 92 and home from rehab. She has had a hearing problem for many years but will not wear a hearing aid. Everything I say to her she misinterprets and accuses me of trying to fight with her, which I am not. Having a conversation with her is very difficult. This is not a new issue but it is wearing me down to have to explain and rephrase and still be misunderstood. I am in my 60s and she talks to me like I am stupid. She lives in my house.
That would be a deal breaker for me.
Use a notebook and write in it what is important for her to hear. Or write routine messages on cards. Dinner is ready. Time for your meds. I'm going out. Whatever you routinely have to tell her. If she misunderstand your words, just write it down. No fuss needed.
Ignore her when she is ugly or misinterprets. I bet if you get on the phone and start calling around for ALFs she will pick up on that.
My husband and I both have poor hearing and need to get hearing aids. Sometimes I tease him and act like I'm talking when I am only moving my mouth without actually speaking. It's usually after he has gone off on a tangent thinking he heard one thing when another was said. He knows what I'm doing but we get a laugh out of it.
My parents were the best at that. My dad would misunderstand what my mom had just said and he would answer her about something they both found more interesting and my mom would go with his topic. Those standing nearby didn't have a clue what was going on. They (parents) knew they had misunderstood but were good natured about it. That's hard to do when you already are having a hard time with the person you are trying to communicate with.
You might consider alternatives the next time she goes to rehab. You don't have to bring her home. You are doing so because you want to. Remind yourself of that.
You have to lie down before someone can use you as a door mat. Any time you are making all the concessions yet the other person is not happy, an adjustment is needed in their expectations. For you to go through all that and they still complain, well, maybe you aren't the right person for the job.
The other things I discovered was I had...to...speak...much...more...slowly, so her brain could process my words. I spoke LOUDLY and cut down on the words I used. The shorter the sentences, the better she could hear and understand me. When I used those tricks, we'd do OK. But the minute I'd start talking without her looking at me or I went to fast or didn't go LOUD enough or used too many words, "HUH" is what I'd get. ARRRRGH!!!!! It can be frustrating as all get out.
Her particular tic was to ask me to repeat what I'd just said and then start answering as soon as I was embarked on the repetition. "So you DID hear me?" "No, no." "?!?"
Hearing is quite a complex brain process. I suppose her habit was like re-reading a sentence, just confirming what she thought it was in the first place? Something like that.
But in any case understanding what goes on only partly helps in not finding it a trial. Just wanting to send hugs and sympathy to go with the good advice above. And do try not to throttle her, I know it's tempting.
My mother is 98. She's had hearing aids for years, but has not had them, or her hearing checked, for a LONG time.
Phone conversation is impossible, and in person I still need to raise my voice. Then she says, "Don't yell at me".
This past weekend, after her being in the hospital and rehab,I moved her to assisted living. She knows she can't live at home, and I have told her that the assisted living facility is requiring her to see an audiologist.
I used a healthcare "navigator" to help me find a place for her to live, and work through the maze of questions and paperwork. The advocate said that, especially with people with memory loss, it's OK to tell "little lies".
So, can you get her doctor to "prescribe" a hearing test/appointment?
Sometimes having a "professional" tell them they need something works better than the "child" (who obviously doesn't know anything - Ha!) trying to get the parent to comply.
Best of luck to you. It's a tough situation.
First, when DH was first diagnosed with hearing loss, I was told, "don't raise your voice, talk slower." I know, not easy. That said, sometimes I do have to raise my voice and I get the same reaction you do. But, I tell him that I am yelling because he can't hear me. This seems to satisfy him 95% of the time.
I also got him to wear one hearing aid most of the time. The problem is, they hurt. You can take Mom to have the hearing aids adjusted and possibly even remade if necessary. I can hardly wait until next year when DH is entitled to a new pair from the VA. I hope to address that the hearing aid is too large for his ear canal. The newer models are "less invasive" but still can hurt the ear canal.
Lastly, I had to go back to a "landline phone" so he can hold the receiver. If this is not an option for you, I found the ear-buds from phillips work great with my iPhone! They hook over the ear and I plug it into the bottom of my phone. He only gets 1 call a week, and only about 10 minutes - but this way he can hear his son and have a small conversation.
I'm here if you want any particulars - you can just click on my name and leave me a message. I will get an email alert if you do.
Ask the specialist before spending a fortune in a hearing aid or just buy one you can return for a fee the way I did.
Just don't shout, it drives everybody with hearing problems crazy.
Be patient. Best wishes.
We've developed a hand signal language for the daily basics. It just happeneed over time but it works
Important info is written out. We have an info wall for everyone to stay in the know, which includes a white board where reminders etc are written as well.
TV must be muted for conversation.
And finally,
"I'm sorry, I can't talk with you if you don't have your hearing aid in"
For the most part it works well. I think she figures that because she has the disability it's our problem on how to communicate not hers. Which leads us to "help me to help you otherwise this isn't going to work for anybody"
Our situation is very similar to yours only difference is my mom is 95.
Write what things she must understand and pantomime the rest. I do a great coffee and dinner 😋.
When talking to a person with hearing loss it is absolutely necessary to look at the person. That is where the little tiny microphones are. Not on the wall, the floor or anything else. When you are not looking directly at the person those sound waves are dispersing to who know where.
Looking at the person when speaking is sometimes called speech reading. It includes you hand jesters, body language, the words formed by your lips.
Next, oh so many letters and words sound the same to us. Think about how many words can sound nearly the same: day, hey, say, may, he she, me, bee, be, and the list is end less. It is the difference between hearing a sound and speech comprehension.
And don't forget all of the external noises that you are able to filter out and we are not. That is right those blooming devices pick up more than words. Birds singing is nice until you are trying to comprehend someone talking to the birds and waiting for us to answer. And that blooming wind storm, when is it going to end. The wind blowing across those microphones sound like a hurricane. That loud mouth at the end of the hall.
Some adjustments are available today that were not there years ago that have improved our quality of hearing and listening.
Unfortunately speaking effectively has been flushed down the toilet. I am constantly telling people to slow down so I can understand what is being. I heard a female reporter today talking and I could have sworn she was auctioning off the story, she was speaking so damn fast. Another problem some if not many have is the frequency of the female voice. It really does sound like a cat that has had it tail stepped on. That is no joke. It is the frequency ( measured in hertz) that cause this.
You complain about how we respond to you as if this little piece of technology stuck in my ear replaces all of the damage done over the years from noise, sickness, infections, etc. Well it doesn't.
Now couple this major loss with the mental problems of the person you are speaking and some how we are always to blame.
Finally, (for now at least)if that persons aids are not fitted right and they came fro the VA . get that person in there right now. You do not have to wait another year to have them remolded. I have had mine remolded as much as twice a year for years . Also when making a mold be sure the person is wearing an false teeth as that can and will change the fit. And so will weight loss or gain. Strange isn't it. Losing 15# in the gut can change the ears as well.
Good luck with your handicap of speaking to people. I hope it improves.
DH is "Dear Husband"
or maybe "deaf husband", considering the topic at hand.
😄
When I take them out everything sounds muffled, like I have my ears stuffed with cotton wool so I wear them from the minute I wake up until I’m ready to go to sleep.
I still use subtitles on the television as I find the background music in so many programs makes the speech difficult to decipher.
Mum’s hearing is a lot worse than mine so she struggles even with her hearing aids in - although she doesn’t always realise the battery has run out, so it’s always worth checking when her hearing seems worse than usual.
And that thing of "turn your volume up" when it is speech that is too fast and in a bad frequency or directed toward the wall.
All I want for Christmas is for him to have his hearing checked, and IF there isn't anything that can be done, OK, I'll deal with it. But I just cannot believe that there isn't something that can help.
I'm actually going to make him an apt with an audiologist myself and just force him to go in. He is not proactive in this and it's driving me insane.
(BTW, his mother is deaf, his sister and brother both have pretty severe losses too. His mother has aids, but rarely wears them. Brother wears one. Sister is pretty cash strapped and can't afford anything, but at least she's sweet about asking you to speak up. Hubby just growls at me to "speak more clearly". Surely the whole world doesn't mumble--as he says.