Everything I do is wrong. He is trying to override decisions that were made by mom. I am Executor of the Will and he is saying that it is not true. The Trustee has the original will as does the Funeral Home but he continues to phone the Funeral Home to change things. The Funeral Home are fed up with his interference. His actions are making this a very difficult situation. I have no time to grieve myself due to his continuous blowing up my phone with horrible texts. I do not answer them except once a day but only comment to things if he is seeking information. I have been asked to save the texts as they may be needed for evidence that is how serious this has gotten. Has anyone else gone through a family nightmare when it comes to a funeral? I am not sure how much longer I can keep up with this kind of treatment.
Best of luck to you.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
I'm so very sorry about what you've been going through. Now is the time when family needs to stick together. Loosing a parent is the hardest loss. Especially if you were the one caring for her. For me it was almost like loosing my child. And you haven't even had the chance to truly grieve yet. My 1st thought was to tell you to block your brother's texts. But someone told you you may need those for court. Unfortunately that's probably going to be very true. Butterfly72, I think I would just try to ignore ALL his texts, including ones asking for information. He may only be asking for "information" just to see if you're still reading his texts and haven't blocked him yet. I don't remember, did you say you've been to see an attorney? If not, I think you should. I know it's just adding another thing on your enormous list of things that need to get done. But the attorney would be able to give you great advice on what to do and it may even be able to mark off a thing or 2 on your list. You are in the right. Your Mom made YOU the one to take care of things afterwards. I'm so sorry Butterfly72. I can only imagine the stress this is causing for you. But, it will get better.
If you have a close friend who can do this, have THEM save the texts once a day, but don’t read them.
If anyone complains to you about his co duct, briefly and firmly state that you are the final authority regarding your mother’s estate and that he has NO LEGAL SAY.
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
If you are honest and truthful and legally covered, you have nothing to fear from him.
Save all those texts and audio messages! You may need them as evidence later.
Tell the funeral home to deal ONLY with you and ignore your brother.
Good or bad, he has held controll all this time. Its going to be hard for him to give it up. Sort of between a rock and a hard place here. POA stops at death, Executor doesn't take over until the Will is probated. I would just ignore him and tell the funeral director the same thing. With COVID, are you going to be able to have a full funeral? Maybe just placate him. Same with funeral director. Just say yes and do what you want.
I would recommend that you start Probate as soon as ur state allows it. Mine I think its 9 to 10 days after the death. This will at least establish that you are Executor. Probate will need the original Will to file it. Then its public record. You will get a copy. You can then give brother a copy if he is a beneficary if not, he is an interested party. At this point brother will just need to wait for an accounting. Debts will need to be paid. As Executor you are entitled to a % of Moms estate. My state its 4% and goes down as the worth of the estate goes up. I don't think you can close Probate till a certain amount of months go by, my state 8. This gives debtors time to put claims in. I had a lawyer in the final steps of Probate. He did the accounting. May want to do this since brother is such a pain. Brother will not get his inheritance until he signs off on the accounting.
So sorry about your Mom. I know the whole situation with her and your brother have been heartbreaking. Now its do what needs to be done. Close out her life, he gets his share and then you can walk away and have nothing more to do with him. And make him aware, your done and he is not to contact you in any way. He is now on his own. And stand by that decision. Never give in because you'll just get sucked back in to his drama.
Each evening I turn my phone off so that I do not have to put up with his texts. I have saved everything as I have been advised by Public Trustee and the Funeral Home.
As to the will (you mention a will and a trust?) I agree that you should continue with your work on it without his help. I will tell you that I recently settled the estate of my brother as his Trustee, and I did hire a lawyer, whom I needed to use very little, but when I did she was an absolutely godsend. Without her I would not even have an EIN today with the backlogs at IRS. She was wonderful and she only used a few hours, so well worth it. She wrote my letters to any party with an interest in the trust; she made certain all i's dotted and all t's crossed. I came to just love her. I recommend a lawyer if there is any money at all. If the money is now essentially gone, I STILL recommend it, just to close this all out and satisfy the brother.
My sympathies on your loss and I hope you find the great peace that I have found in my own case.
Just to clarify, you wrote that both the Trustee and the funeral home have the original will. One may have "conformed" copies, but they both can't have the original will. Just a clarification...
You should DEFINITELY save all his texts; it wouldn't hurt to print them out. They may be evidence if he continues his verbal assaults and attempts to meddle.
This is what you can do:
1. If he's an heir, you can send him a copy of the appointment clause in the Will. Eventually you probably will have to address whether he inherits anything, but your first priority are the burial issues.
2. I would take control, now, and advise him in no uncertain terms that you are the one designated to be in charge, that YOU will make the arrangements and notify him when and where the funeral will take place (if you're actually having one). Also be clear that unless he has specific questions, you won't consider his advice, criticism, or any other meddling. Period.
That's what I did, and it worked. I also emphasized the issue that support was lacking when it was needed, and I wasn't going to be "bossed around" now.
Then follow through; don't accept calls; save the text messages, and do what you have to do to finalize arrangements and move forward. You may not be an aggressive person, but it might be necessary at this time.
One question: you wrote that you're the Executrix but there's also a Trustee. So if there is a Trustee, the two of you I assume will be working together, but the Trust typically will require much more work than carrying out the Will. Have you discussed this and agreed on what the next steps will be?
If anything other than funeral planning is discussed, refer that to the process of the will that will take place after the funeral. I am wondering if there is no info about funeral planning because funeral home is actually having conversations with him or they wouldn't be irritated. Is it at all possible he is asking for something to be done at funeral that could be accommodated just to satisfy him for now...and maybe you have dug your heels in because of conflict. Think about it and consider.
1. Funeral home needs to deal with this clown on their own, this is not directly your problem to solve. This won't be the first time someone has made their work difficult. So write that off as your burden.
2. Is there a lawyer helping you with the will/trust? If so, tell brother that forthwith all communications are to go through said lawyer, and you're blocking him on your phone. And then block him.
For cripes sakes, you don't need this right now, of all times! And there are things you can do to alleviate. Good luck!
Death seems to bring out the true colors of people.
Continue to save his texts. He may get more aggressive as time goes on.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
You have my prayers.
Tell the Funeral Home to ignore the brother.
Dont' answer any of the brothers calls anymore.
Text the brother that you are following moms instructions and you will let him know of details as you get them.
Normally siblings fight over money and things.
I don't know why the Funeral Home needs a copy of the Will.
Tell them to text or e mail you a copy then text or e mail it to your brother.
Tell the brother you will schedule a meeting for with the Trustee.
Let brother know that everything will be out in the open and he doesn't have anything to worry about, that you as the Executrix will follow mom's wishes and he will be able to read everything for himself in the Will.
However, it was a wake up call for my husband and I to specify in writing our final wishes. Don't just assume telling your loved ones what you want will be enough. My mother even had a paid-in-full contract with a funeral home in another state expressing her wish to be cremated. Wasn't enough.
If you haven’t done it already block him on your phone and social media.
Alert all concerned about his behavior and let them deal with him. The facts will speak for themselves. Be at peace with your decisions. No need to second guess yourself. You know the circumstances and what your mom desired.
Best wishes to you.
Plain and simple, refer him to the trustee and let the trustee take care of dealing with his unacceptable behavior. Block him from calling, texting and social media. Keep ALL contacts from him as it sounds like you really will need them as evidence for the future.
Your mom chose you to handle things because she knew you would follow her wishes, so keep doing what you are doing and let your brother go.
For now, do whatever you can to ignore him. You might want to ask him to write a letter documenting everything that he feels should be done and why. This may give him a way to vent that is less intrusive. Read it or not, depending on your frame of mind, perhaps one day you will feel up to it. You might also want to send him a copy of the will and any letters of instructions with a note saying that you are explicitly following your mother's wishes. If many of those wishes were only spoken, not written, this might not be very effective.
I am so sorry that you are suffering this treatment when you need to be grieving, but be assured that you can and will get through this. Promise yourself a nice little vacation when everything is done. If nothing else, make a staycation in your favorite room, stocked with treats and a long list of online travel photos. Make a few serious plans now so you have something to look forward to other than just the end of the nightmare. This kind of thing has helped me through some tough times. I hope it might work for you too.
What I have done to ignore unwanted calls and texts is to change the sound made when that person calls or texts. One phone I had let me choose silent. My current phone lacks that option so I assign those numbers a short but gentle tone. That way I don't even have to look at it, but the messages are there if/when I have the inclination to see what is up.