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I want to thank all of you for your resonses. Its actually quite amazing how helpful it is to know there are people somewhere hearing me. I have been blessed with an ( 2) wonderful young men. No idea what I would do without them.

Thankfully years ago, when I gave up myhome grandma addeded my name to the deed of the house. Then not long ago when she removed her name. So the house is soley mine. This will be a large problem with my sister, but it was grandmas choice. she refuses a will but as desginate what my sister will get and what I will get. The houe will be the only point of contengtion.

As I work in Academia they have approved me being off for the rest of the academic year. It allowed them to hire a full time sub. So I have until June to figure this out.

My sister, who by the way lives only 12 miles aways and works only 2 miles from our house and only comes to visit about every 2 months . Does not apporve of even respite care. I called her to discuss the idea of a day program so that I could return to work. She adimittly protested.

About 1 year ago my long time partner proposed, we are getting married in May, and have planned (paid) for a trip to Las Vegas. This was done some time ago. Grandma has gotten worse since then.
i was talking to my sister about placing grandma just for the week long trip. Again complete refusal. Now I know that My son and I are the decsion makers, but i do not want to alienate her.

I have suggested she come stay that week. Perhaps having to do the caregiving herself will cange her prospective.

I kow that I will have to place grandma this year, I just feel so bad that I can't take care of her. And I am afraid to not have her. She had been a part of my everyday life since I was a young child.
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I don't think it's ever an easy decision, and certainly one wrought with guilt for so many. But if you can't leave her alone, then that's at least part of your answer. It's a job in itself to keep help scheduled to come in, and then paying for it can break the bank. It certainly doesn't hurt to look at your options, and in so doing, you may find it easier to decide.
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I agree with the others...you and your son are amazing! You don't have to feel guilty about finding grandma a place where she will have appropriate care. You do need to have time to take care of yourself, plan for your own retirement, be active in your son's lives, and visit Grandma. It will still take quite a bit of your time to make sure grandma is taken care of so you will still be involved.
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Im so sorry that you are facing this diffucult decision. You have always been a super woman, single mom raising 2 children, helping mom, helping and paying for grandma. This is why this is so hard, you've always made things work out by working hard and sacrificing. From all you describe you know the answer and your son has helped you also.

I had to place my dad, we did not have a loving relationship, yet I bawled like a baby and felt guilt ridden for being the one to make that decision. I know how hurt your heart must be having to let go of grandma and let others provide her care. Hugs!!! She needs a village at this stage of her life, you be the one that loves her and visits with special treats, let others do the dirty work. You are not abandoning her, you are giving her the gift of the best care possible.

See an elder law, Medicaid knowledgeable attorney to find out if you must forfeit the house. If you've been paying for many years maybe an Attorney can help you keep it. Do this before applying for aid. It will cost some money but, if you get to keep your home it is money well spent and they can help you navigate the application process.

I know this will be a challenge and want to encourage you to use this website to vent, rant, ask questions or just to know you are not alone. Love and hugs 2 u and family.

Ps: you have obviously been a tremendous mom, to raise a son with so much care and compassion. Great job!
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Apply for Medicaid - get her into a nursing home. Visit her and love her - but get back to work to save for your own retirement.
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How do you know when it is time? When you ask yourself if it is time.
What plans are in place for you after grandma is placed? Are you concerned about where you will live?

It sounds to me like it is time. You need to take care of yourself and get back to your job. FMLA will not last much longer and you probably need all of that time to make arrangements for grandma.
Helpful Answer (19)
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Have you looked at the facilities available?? Your statement that you can't leave her in a room alone is telling. Are there services you can use to get a break??
Best wishes on this tough decision and bless you and your family for caring for your loved one.
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You have a son who has given eight of the best years of his life to supporting you in supporting his great grandmother. If this sterling young man is telling you that enough is enough, given his track record of service and dedication, I think you should listen to him. At least look at what options are available, keeping an open mind while focusing on what is REALLY best for your grandmother's physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. I don't doubt that he is putting her first and thinking of her best interests - do you?
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