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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom lives with us. At 89 she cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays her bills. But my husband is overly critical of the way she does things. He criticized her washing and made her cry.
Your mother is doing exceedingly well and should not be bullied by your husband and neither should you. He needs to learn better coping skills to manage his behavior. Abuse isn't always physical....sometimes it is verbal. Perhaps, when he feels a critical tirade coming on, he can leave the room or house or retreat to his "man cave." Then, channel his frustration into something positive like a hobby or at least count to ten and then think about what he wants to say and if he really needs to say it. Usually, with a little time and space something that feels like a ten on the annoying scale is reduced to a five or less:) And I agree with one poster's suggestion that when he does something right, you reinforce that with positive feedback. Be careful when addressing bad behavior that you frame statements fairly. When you said X, Y and Z to mom, I feel bad because..... He can't invalidate your feelings. If you say, you were mean to mom.....it puts him on the defensive. Model a way of resolving conflict, don't fan the flames by accusing him of anything. Hopefully, this uncomfortable situation will become a source for positive change.
Aww...that makes me sad to think about your mother crying when she's just trying to do her best. Bear in mind, that elders are typically more emotional simply because of their age. Perhaps hubby could be kinder.
You must stand up to the bully, if you feel that your grumpy hubby is a bully. Just do it in private and not in front of your mother. He ought to apologize to your mother.
Tell the dipwad that she is doing wonderful for being 89 years old, it cracks me up to hear idiots saying how much of a burden a 89 or 90 yr old can be, he needs to grow the "HELL" up and give more respect where respect belongs. Like the ole saying goes it's a long road that doesn't hit a curve, see how he does when he is that age. My mom is 91 and in AL maybe that would b an option. And believe me it's not healthy for you to live in this situation either, been there done that.
I began reading some of the replies then I just decided, nope- I'm going to answer this the was "I feel, living with my mother IN LAW". The difference is; she NO LONGER does a cotton-picking thing, and I mean not even picking a cotton fuzz ball off the floor! She has been living with us WAY TOO MANY YEARS. My husband brought her hear 23 years ago to die- yup, he thought it was just a matter of a year, or two, maybe three, but could be four, but I as much as five, or six, wow 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 21, 22, 23 WHEN THE HELL! Sure I was very patient and kind and considerate, until her laziness, and need to demand and act like it was her house and because it was her son she could still with a stern voice tell him what he needed to do and what she wanted. Then she wouldn't cooperate or do anything! I don't know why I writing anymore... I have, for years now, it's never going to end. She has managed to ruin my life, so I'll finish with why I think your husband is acting the way he is; He's sick and tired of spending his last years taking care of her. Not having the freedom to just live his life with his wife and do all the things a married couple should be able to do. Maybe he too can't stand walking into his house and smelling her, seeing her, seeing her hair and Kleenex tissues on the floor. Get's sickened by knowing she just rinsing her hands after changing her diaper opposed to really washing them after she has. Is she always needing someone to turn her tv on when she can do it herself but needs attention? These are the things I wonder if e is dealing with but because she is your mother, maybe you aren't seeing these things. I could be so wrong and I am sorry if I am, but being on the other side, like your husband- it so difficult to NOT be a grouchy grump, because I sure have become one. I'm inching into my 60's soon, and my husband is 66 and can already retire and collect SSI. WHEN will we EVER be able to enjoy our Golden years and just sit around and twiddle our thumbs "IF WE WANT"?
While I don't envy the situation you are in, you are transferring a lot of your experiences and negativity into this situation. OP did not provide a lot of detail, such as how long mom has been there, but she says mom "cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays her bills", it certainly doesn't resemble your MIL in the least! Unless/until we hear from OP that her mom is in diapers, messes everywhere, and doesn't lift a finger to help, you are barking up the wrong tree!
Also, from OP's comment, husband would pick on her if mom wasn't there. This sounds like a personal problem of HIS, not OP or her mom.
Rather than lash out at someone else's situation, perhaps you need to regroup and handle your own. DON'T enable MIL to push you around. DON'T pick up after her. Get out and do for yourself, let hubby take care of his mom, if he thinks it best she live with you. If you allow either or both of them to take advantage of you or the situation, YOU need to change, as you will not be able to change how others behave.
Oh leelor, I can wholeheartedly agree with the messes that u r talking about, even though my 👩 is in AL, I am there often and have (cleaned) her "many of time, I do her laundry, cut her hair, change her bed, take her cruising, bring her food, because I'v seen what the damn food looks like. Quit my job of 8 yrs to take care of my mom, because well she took care of me and my siblings. I was very blessed But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.
Hear hear on the siblings who do nothing! I also have two brothers. One is not local, but for what it is worth, he does send cards on major "days"...
However, if he were local, I don't think he would be there often - the last time he was in the area to help clean out condo (she is in MC), we went to visit the day he arrived (I moved off to let them schmooze - he IS the golden boy and gets quite the greeting!) then I encouraged another visit on his own, which he did, for a short visit. Thereafter he refused to go again, stating he didn't know what to do with her... And both of YOU boys wanted to take her in when you found out how much AL cost!
The other, never mind that I don't think he visits mom, he doesn't even respond to my text messages (mostly benign messages - requesting recpts for deductions on sale of condo, which would include reimbursing him, or letting him know of any special occasions come up at the facility.) Not even a request to just say I'm still alive.
So, yeah, there are many of them out there. I get to handle/manage everything else, which sucks up a lot of time, but someone has to do it and it likely won't be them! I try not to think what will happen if something happens to me!
You could ask your husband to tell you about any criticism he has about your mom and that you will handle it with her. This is the way to handle step children. The adult speaks to the actual parent of the child and they handle it. If he was unhappy that she didn't get the dishes clean for example he should tell you. At that point, if she isn't washing them well, you could redirect her to another task. Send her over to my house, she sounds like a great roommate. I won't make her cry! You can keep the husband though! Seriously, it might help if you and husband have some more couple's time. Go out on a date?
The one time my husband criticized the way I did his laundry was when he started doing his own...and continues to do so. Life is too short, especially for our elders, to nit pick about such petty things. If he's unhappy with the way your mom is doing things, then, by all means, allow him to take charge of the task himself. I'd be amazed and overwhelmed if my 87 year old mother could do one of those things. She should be praised, not criticized. I do agree with RoseZullo, that there are always 2 sides, so you should find out why your husband is so unhappy that he has to take out his anger on an 89 year old lady. Wishing you peace.
I am going to answer this with a comparison situation. Many, many years ago I married a man with a son. It was pure misery and I felt I had no respect and was treated very badly and discipline when it was needed never entered the picture. I won't go into the gory details when, but for the Grace of God, I nearly died, the doctor intervened and told my husband that he knew he loved me, his wife, and his son and that was fine. However, it would be SUICIDE if he had both of us live under the same roof. He was right. But by the time he son left, the damage to the marriage was done. What I am saying, love the mother and love the spouse but they CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE UNDER THE SAFE ROOF TOGETHER. It just won't work.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Also, from OP's comment, husband would pick on her if mom wasn't there. This sounds like a personal problem of HIS, not OP or her mom.
Rather than lash out at someone else's situation, perhaps you need to regroup and handle your own. DON'T enable MIL to push you around. DON'T pick up after her. Get out and do for yourself, let hubby take care of his mom, if he thinks it best she live with you. If you allow either or both of them to take advantage of you or the situation, YOU need to change, as you will not be able to change how others behave.
But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.
However, if he were local, I don't think he would be there often - the last time he was in the area to help clean out condo (she is in MC), we went to visit the day he arrived (I moved off to let them schmooze - he IS the golden boy and gets quite the greeting!) then I encouraged another visit on his own, which he did, for a short visit. Thereafter he refused to go again, stating he didn't know what to do with her... And both of YOU boys wanted to take her in when you found out how much AL cost!
The other, never mind that I don't think he visits mom, he doesn't even respond to my text messages (mostly benign messages - requesting recpts for deductions on sale of condo, which would include reimbursing him, or letting him know of any special occasions come up at the facility.) Not even a request to just say I'm still alive.
So, yeah, there are many of them out there. I get to handle/manage everything else, which sucks up a lot of time, but someone has to do it and it likely won't be them! I try not to think what will happen if something happens to me!