My mom started showing signs of dementia last November (2023), and at that time she was only having really bad episodes two or three days every other month. Since May of this year (2024), there has been a rapid decline. Her bad episodes are four and five days every three weeks. I don't know which mom I am getting from day-to-day, and sometimes from hour-to-hour. She will say that she wants me to take care of her in the moment of her being weak, dizzy, or sore, and then all of a sudden or within 24 hours, I am "kidnapping her" and she "doesn't know why I brought her here" even though she is still weak, dizzy, or sore. She has completely forgotten how to pay bills, keep a checkbook, and make out a check; and how to use her TV, microwave, stove/oven, dishwasher, washer, and dryer. She often forgets how to use her phone and pull-ups. She has incontinent issues with feces. She does not wipe thoroughly nor wash her hands after using the bathroom. It is a struggle to get her to take a shower (about every four days if I am lucky), but she does not bathe thoroughly (still smells after her shower). She sleeps 16 to 20 hours a day, eats once like a bird, and maybe drinks one cup of tea. She has problems with her knee and uses a walker (if you nag her). Her shaking hands and overall muscle weakness make it difficult for her to prepare her own food and sometimes even sit up to eat. She has fallen three times, burnt and melted the stove hood cover, and leaves dishes and clothes piled up. She refuses to live with me, get daily help, nor move into assisted living. She refuses to see a doctor as well. Can I force her to get help or live with me with only a POA? I have been told by some people that a POA is not good enough to force her hand to get care, only a court ruling of incompetence and guardianship. Can I just bring her to my house and not pay her rent so that she is forced to live with me or seek assisted living?
Now you will need to become fully informed; I had to do the same five years and it was a dreadfully steep and painful learning curve. It's how I ended up HERE.
That means step one in the New Year is dianosis and step two an elder law attorney to find out how to implement and use your POA fully.
You will be responsible now for EVERYTHING from placement to applying for Medicaid funds if needed, to managing and keeping track of all finances.
Start TODAY off by reading your POA document. It will tell you what you need to take to your attorney for the POA 101 lesson. It will surely include two letters from examining MDs.
You say your mother "won't this" and "won't that".
Sorry, but these are no longer her options/choices. She has moved into the position of legal incompetency. This is something you need to see first her MD, then a neuro-psyc for exam.
You will attempt first to get her to the MD. If that doens't work you will call an ambulance for transport to her Hospital. Speak with her MD office this week about getting diagnostics and your letters so that you can place and manage your mom.
Look up also, during this waiting period, how to do POA in your state.
Speak with your mother's banker (an appointment, not a teller) and ask exactly what they need to move her account into your name as assignee. You will be cancelling her charge cards as well. You will buy files and file folders so you can keep meticulous records. That is a Fiduciary requirement.
You can also call APS to open a case. There is a chance you can get emergency guardianship through them with a call to a judge. Guardianship papers would speed everything. I recommend AGAINST permanent guardianship; it is impossible to resign from, requires a Judge's release, and they often won't do it even were you to fall ill. So it is "Temporary guardianship" with which you can do placement, banking.
Stay on this site and read all you can.
Now-- there is another choice here.
Your mother has some time left on earth. It will be a dreadful time, for both her and all standing witness to it. It is time sunk in dementia and torment and confusion. If you would prefer that she stays home until you find her down and call EMS to do all this, or until she dies at home, that is up to you.
For me, were I her, that would get my vote. But she is now no longer safe, and her vote is gone. So you have decisions to make for her as her POA.
If this is all too much you tell APS you will not take on the assigned POA for an incompetent and uncooperative senior, and you can ask them for oversite and guardianship by the state. In which case your power over her person and her assets is at an end when the state takes over, including choice of placement.
I am so sorry. This is the awful fact of what you now face. I wish you good luck. Your mother has skipped past ability to access ALF and gone straight to memory care or nursing home. I am so dreadfully sorry.
I strongly urge you NOT to bring her into your home.
All the things that bother you now will increase 10 fold if she is living with you. And that is now, wait until she declines more and things get more difficult.
She should also have a "formal" diagnosis. Get her to the doctor anyway you can. Tell her that it is "open enrollment" time and Medicare requires her to have a physical in order to keep her insurance.
(by the way since it is open enrollment soon talk to a SHIP counselor to help you determine the right insurance plan for her. This is a free consult and the counselors are not beholden to any company so they will give an unbiased review)
Your mom will continue to get worse, she will eat away at your life and you will slowly loose any of the life and freedoms you have now. Not only that it's next to impossible to get someone placed that is living with you. So my suggestion on doing that is a strong NO.
Many of us here have aging relatives that refuse to get POA , or leave there residents and want to age at home. We caregivers sit and wait for the emergency room visit that will lead to place then.
You can call APS get a well check on her. I would suggest to do that on a day that mom will be more disheveled than on a good day.
You can write a note to her doctor, explaining what you see, also.
First of all you need to verify that what's going on with her is actually dementia. Dementia is often confirmed as a diagnosis once all other possible causes have been discounted. She could have an unchecked UTI, diabetes, vitamin deficiency, stroke, brian tumor, etc.
You may need to create a therapeutic fib to get her in to her primary doctor (like, Medicare requires everyone to go for their free annual wellness check, whatever). Go into her portal (or go to the appointment with her with a pre-written letter you discretely hand to the staff outlining your concerns about her behavior) and tell her doc what you're seeing and what you want to have checked, and do a cognitive/memory exam.
Or if you can't get this to happen call 911 and tell them she's had a rapid decline and you suspect an untreated UTI. Go with her to the ER and tell them she's an unsafe discharge so that they don't release her back to her house. You should think very long and hard about caring for someone who is rapidly getting worse and worse. Please read the forum topic Burnout.
At the ER you can ask to talk to a social worker about transitioning her directly into a facility. It is very difficult to get a resistant adult to cooperate regardless of having PoA or legal guardianship -- this is why getting her from the hospital directly into a facility is a golden opportunity for you both.