...lives next door to us (in a 3-bedroom house that we own) and is now 100 years old. We’ve both been caring for her for well over 25 years. Despite her advanced age, she’s in excellent physical health but has developed some dementia in recent years. As her needs increase, my wife has to spend more time with her; we do her shopping, take her for doctor visits, give her daily meds and my wife cooks most of her meals. I believe her mother will live many more years and my wife absolutely refuses to even consider putting her in an assisted living facility. As a result of caring for her mother, we can’t travel anywhere together (I take occasional trips by myself but we haven’t had a vacation together in over 10 years). My mother-in-law is a sweet lady and I sincerely hope she lives to be 110, but as I tell my wife, not in our 3-bedroom house with us caring for her every day. Our “golden years” are passing us by and I’m not proud to say that I’m becoming increasingly resentful toward both my wife and her mother. As many relatives and friends have told us, her mother belongs in an assisted living living facility and we should get on with our lives. In my wife’s defense, she has no siblings to share the responsibility with, but we have the resources to put her mother in assisted living, where she would be well cared for and have some social life. I’ve seriously considered leaving my wife over this- I think I’d be justified in doing this - but I just don’t have the heart to go through with it.
Her mother no longer has all her faculties and would never do this to us knowingly, but she’s slowly destroying our marriage. My brother died at age 62 a few years ago and I’m starting to think my mother-in-law will outlive me. After a very successful career, I’ve looked forward to enjoying my retirement with the woman I love but it looks like that’s not in my foreseeable future. Am I being selfish to want to enjoy my retirement years with my wife while we still have our health? I’m not a very religious person, but isn’t there something in the Bible about a married couple leaving their parents and “cleaving” to one another? In my view, my wife has broken one of our wedding vows (to “forsake all others”) by putting her mother’s needs above mine, for a long time. I’ve always been good to her mother, but how much more can reasonably be expected of me? As I’ve told my wife, I married her- not her mother. I’ve become depressed over this and I’m just about ready to pack my stuff and head south- with or without my wife. By the way, we’re 60 years old and I’ve been wanting to move from NJ to Florida for years- and I’ve even offered to bring my mother-in-law with us and find her an assisted living facility in whatever area we relocate to. Would I be a monster to force my wife to make a choice- her mother or me?
Just saying
Personally I've only been married for a short time, but I am a professional caregiver and see this very often within family's, where relationships get strained due to the stress of a child taking care of their parents, whether it's between siblings, or extended family. I see ho rew the same can apply to a marriage. I absolutely do not see anything selfish about feeling the way you do. As a caregiver, I personally see a counselor every so often to just kinda help organize some chaos. She told me that while you can enjoy, as I do, in your case, have to, take/ing care of someone else, but you can't put your life on hold for them. Because your time and life is just as valuable as theirs and to each individual MORE important
See, to you an Assisted Living Facility may seem like the logical and easy option, but your wife thinks and feels differently than you, and she is entitled to because she is a completely different person. She is by no means failing her vows by being what she feels translates into being a good daughter, and no human being with the heart in the right place would make a loved one that is already under a lot of pressure, choose between a parent and a husband.
Now, what I do believe is failing or missing here is a true effort to find a middle point. For example since you said that your wife has the means to place her mom in assisted living, why don’t you work with your wife to try to look for an alternative option, like in house care at least 2 days a week and for extended periods of time if you guys travel. But of course try the help for a while so your MIL and the caregiver to develop a routine, then your wife will feel more comfortable leaving her mom with a caregiver. I don’t believe your wife would oppose to that, because if you look at the situation objectively, she is the most affected one likely very tired and worried about her mom, about you, about your marriage and about her own life. Being an only child (I’m an only child) with and elder and ill parent is one of the most difficult situations there is Jack, coming from experience.
You both need to realize neither your way or her way has to be THE way, try to seat down calmly and talk about this. Share with her how you feel and what you would like to do: help find an alternative solution, TOGETHER, because you love her. And please suggest it an as advice, as a help offer, don’t make her feel guilty nor attack her, she is simply doing her best, but ‘her best’ needs a few modifications so that everybody can receive a fair share of attention, including herself and you.
Also as a side note, remember that in reality when we marry someone we are marrying their family too, no matter how much we don’t want that to be the reality to be such, but it is.
Also reality is that you have stated that you love your wife, right?
” I’ve looked forward to enjoying my retirement with the woman I love”
If you love her, why would you leave her? Seems like her main issue is her caring about her mom, that is far from being an enough reason to leave someone, specially because as you described the situation it is not like her mom lives in your house changing your marriage dynamics completely, I know she does require a lot of attention, but trust me, the situation could be much worse.
Plus if you did leave her, what would you do?
Would you be able to be happy leaving your wife behind?
Is a free retirement more enjoyable than being with the woman you love?
I truly hope that when you wrote this you were having an “I’m done, cannot do this anymore’ moment, which is fine, we all have those moments. But I think that your heart is in the right place and you love and more so you admire the woman by your side, because there are not too many people in the world that choose sacrifice over their convenience and self satisfaction. Talk to your wife, with love, find an arrangement that is suitable.
A hug hug and best of luck and light so you can enjoy your retirement with the love of your life, no matter the location!
Respite care at an AL is often available. You could then travel freely if MIL in respite care. Maybe she would consider living in AL once she had that trial stay. There is also in-home care possible. Both options are costly, but would give you much needed freedom and ability to travel.
while you travel. Check on her and also when you go the firs time see if she has been doing okay. My brother used to do that so his wife and him could go some where while mom stayed in assisted living place. Just remember your vows to your wife. Isn't she part the most part of your life. Kindness to your wife is needed more in her situation. Do some looking. Take your wife out while someone comes to watch you mother in law. Talk with her about it and be understanding too.Talk to your children.
No wonder, you have never been married, never had children...... those of us who are or who have been married, at least happily, at some point, know that it takes two people to make a marriage work, not one husband, or a husband, wife, and mother.
I am much older than you and have been married twice, once to a wonderful man who passed away long before his time, and once to someone who "roller coastered" my life for too long, before I wisened up and left.
I love my mother, loved my father when he was alive, but I never would have "forsaken" my first husband with caring for my mother. I would give anything to have him back and enjoy our golden years, but he died too young. Now, this man, the OP, wants to enjoy his golden years, yet his wife won't take anytime away from her mother to be with him. That is sad and very selfish, and as others have pointed out, perhaps she just does not want to be married. Why else would you isolate your husband????
Live in the here and now, not in the past and what could have or should have been.
of a large extended family living with a functioning grandparent that still contributes, or else a bed ridden grandparent that the whole family helps out with.
In a bygone era there were large tight knit communities that could lend a helping hand. Consider also the maiden aunts or daughters who had been groomed since childhood to become their parents care givers. Back in the good ole days, folks
recognized that providing care for the aged required a huge sacrifice of time and effort.
Those days are long gone,. I know both of my own parents moved as far away from their own parents as they could and left them to fend for themselves. In this day and age without extended families or tight communities, neighbors who are often strangers, and much smaller families, the whole burden for care usually falls on one or two individuals.
That is difficult enough without the added burden of ever increasing costs of living, medical care which is both costly and prolongs life by decades, and increasing competition for employment. We are now thrust into a much expanded care giving role. Think about all the extra medical appointments, shopping trips, decorating, entertainment, tricky finances, specialty equipment, expanded health care options that were unavailable when our grandparents were alive.
These options while great all cost time and money. We are not prepared for any of this. Yet many who have not been put in this situation, continue to think that it is all like a sunny replay of the Walton's. And those of us who become exhausted, sick, broke, isolated and . burnt out are just petulant complainers. Modern day
care for the elderly is an unprecedented experiment being played out in the lives
of boomers and their parents. People are now routinely losing decades of their
lives to care for their parents. I think everyone's lives should be considered when
care giving for parents becomes necessary.
Great explanation of reality!
One more thought: Several have noted that MIL will not live much longer. Probably true.
However.
If you simply “wait it out” with the hope that wife will snap back into being Your Partner after MIL is no longer in the picture..... I dunno. I don’t see that option (alone) as being the cure.
Why? Because wife is de-programmed from you — along with being programmed for her mother.
Take Mama out of the equation, and wife is still de-programmed from you.
Did wife embrace her shift in status solely due to grooming and arrested development and over-identifying with her last living parent?
Or did wife embrace that switch (and the crippled validation of being a “self-sacrificing” daughter/caregiver - your marriage notwithstanding) so she can hide from you in plain sight?
So she can be seen as a hero by the outside world..... while sparing herself the stress and scrutiny of divorce proceedings, alimony negotiation and division of assets?
This needs to be sussed out. Gently. Respectfully. Ideally when both of you in the presence of a therapist.
Whether MIL is dead, alive, next door, in your house or in facility care, you cannot make your best plan until you know where your wife really stands.
I sincerely hope this is as “simple” as a Mama’s girl gone off the rails..... and in her heart of hearts, wife misses you as much as you miss her.
But if wife is leveraging her Mama Drama as a de facto divorce (no pesky paperwork, no moving van and all the security of being married), you owe it to yourself to know that.
Your wife owes it to you, as well.
None of us will live forever. Your mother in law is on her last few years, if she has that much time.
What your wife is doing is commendable, and when she loses her mother finally, she will need you there to be strong and help her go on. I don't recall if you mentioned whether you both have kids, but when her mother finally does pass there will be a huge void in her life, and she will need those trips you want to take now, and I expect you will both take them together very happily. Maybe promise her a trip to Europe or Hawaii some day.
Of course it's driving you crazy, what you haven't mentioned is if it's driving your wife crazy. Whether she shows it or complains or not, I'm sure it is. Maybe counseling would benefit her too.
Nobody has to be or should be placed in a facility or nursing home. That becomes a choice, and talk to anyone and they will tell you that you really have to watch and advocate for your family member once they are there.
I am sorry, but there are no easy answers, just some that seem to make sense to others, some that make sense to us, and some that make sense to the elderly. Usually, none of those answers agree. When in doubt cry. You have mentioned religion, so I recommend you pray.
Don't let this tear you all apart. Don't consider divorce as an option, and it simply won't be, because it can't be.
Times have changed. People are living longer ... but not necessarily healthier. Conditions that were once quickly fatal can go on for years ... for decades ... with little/no chance of remission, and extremely low levels of functioning.
Families may well find themselves required to provide advanced levels of care, 24/7. Levels that are best left to professionals, who are trained for it. And who work in shifts, and then go home.
A good facility can also provide more social life and activities than a family with jobs, and school, and lives, can possibly offer.
Not talking about dumping, here. Many folks on this list visit often, and actually support the facility's helping their loved ones.
It's just that residential placement may be a NEED, not a choice.
All of you who talk about what the wife could do, reread his post. She will not consider moving her mother to AL. He has already told his wife she married him not his mother. She is not listening. I agree with the counseling as a neutral place for him to be frank and honest with her.
Why do you think he will be alone for the rest of his life? There are too many ladies in his age group who would be more than willing to travel with him.
For myself, I left MY mother and My husband. I never looked back. At 65 I remarried, he talked me into it, I wasn't going to go there again, and we have had 19 years of friendship and travel. He is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's but not so far gone that we can't do things.
When she gets to the point where she needs care, I WILL put her in a facility and not look back. Just hope that I am not in health problems by then.
Our journey have just started, but is fairly the same, (I am the daughter and caregiver, with my mother staying with us in our 3 bedroom house and expect 24/7 attention/ reporting, without having dementia), but do not see myself doing this journey for that long so I think both of you are ANGELS.
I am already in need of 'me/ me & hubby time".
We are not on pension yet, but lived sparingly and planned all our live together for traveling, etc. together whenever the opportunity is there, that I can't even imagine, how much more we would want that once retired. Being the daughter I can understand the guilt, your wife may have, but cannot agree more with the comment from "Golden 23", taking small steps and show your wife /(both) they can 'survive' without being there for each other 24/7. There also come a time in life when you may take decisions on the elderly's behalf. I am also a nursing sister and may therefore have a better insight into this situation (but your wife need you, please do not give up on her
Will be praying for you
American was 119. I think planning should factor this in
We do not know what a day may bring forth.
Don't leave your wife, but do convince her to tell mom that you and she are going on a vacation for 2 weeks and there will be a nice live-in assistant to stay with her the whole time. Get a cheap new cell phone with a new number...give the number to the caregiver...Do not give it to mom. Ask the caregiver to call you daily but not in the presence of mom. She will wail and complain and maybe even hold a grudge.
God's blessings to you and your wife and to mom.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
My mother lived to 106. I am 81. So this could go on a long time yet. She was in facilities. I have a sig other and we traveled. Mother was well cared for.
I hope therapy is helping. Would your wife consider going with you? Biblically, you come before your mil in your wife's list of priorities. Please update us. You have my deepest sympathies for your dilemma. Confrontation may not work as well as wooing - the vinegar/honey thing.
Then your wife will feel comfortable not moving her
I'm sure she would enjoy a vacation once she knows she has care and is safe
It appears your wife has made her decision to "stick it out" with mom until mom passes. If you're intent on moving to FL move. If the wife does not want to go that is her decision.
Something similar happened to a nice man I knew. He had also retired. He had a health scare (bout with pneumonia) that luckily he was able to recover. His wife and he moved to AZ from Cleveland Oh, and have not looked back.
My guess, your wife and mother need a loving example, strength, someone solid for them.
Life is Life. No answers here, just questions for you.
You both will be in the Mother’s place, who would
you choose to abandoned you, care for, an maintain ?
Money doesn’t get you what you want, you’ll only get
What you need, and sincerity and trust isn’t mandatory.