Anyone else dealing with a narcissistic mother with Alzheimer's?

Weedwitch..I think almost EVERYONE is dealing with this on the board, just about! You ARE NOT ALONE. I think the age group of women..80 on up especially, tend to be this way..with or without Alzheimers! I have a mother who drives me up a wall. She tells people how terrible I am, how I do not cook etc..I have made her lunch, breakfast and dinner for 15 years. She says she doesnt eat, but she snacks constantly..I see her..she tries to sneak it..and then complains my food inedible. She also shrieks like a banshee over trivial stuff, like her dog needs to go out and she will yell it sounds like shes being killed. Its no fun, they are not teachable. My mother was so spoiled by my dad, and I loved my dad..he gave in to all her quirkiness..there are days I want to dig him up and have a good talking to with him! Anyway, its partly generational, partly Alzeimers. I do some behavior stuff with mine, like you do with a little kid..if you yell, I cannot hear you..that seems to work sometimes. Also distracting her with asking a question about her past seems to work for agitation, as far as the neighbors, get them a book on Alzheimers if you are close with them..if not ignore them. Tell your police department that you have a person with Alzheimers living with you. I know its hard..Im sending you a hug too..BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this. You will love this forum group it is what keeps me sane!

Hi, I sure understand. Don't drive over a cliff, just take a deep breath and regroup. I had an awful time when I started caring for my mother, she was/is in complete denial about her issues and so are the neighbors. It took her locking herself out of the house, complaining to the neighbors that I was hitting her, not feeding her, abusing her, yelling at her, not allowing her out, and the list goes on. Well, it was a nightmare, I moved from USA to care for her and what I went through to get here, I won't go into again, just look up the thread, "my mother has placed me in peril" not word for word but you'll see it. Anyhow for me in my pajamas after a couple of hours in a police station and then homeless shelter, I got back to the house and they put her in respite care, took me two months to get her out of there because they finally diagnosed her with advanced dementia and wanted her to go in a nursing home. She realizes in an amazing way that she created the mess, and has been quite cooperative since she came home, she understands and admits now that she was seeking attention and has not been spreading anymore stories, she does not want to go into a nursing home and sees what she did. The neighbors however still despite all continue to see me as the bad guy. The elder social workers tell me to pay them no mind, they just don't understand, but if I wish they will talk to them. Unless your mother has already been diagnosed by a specialist, you'd be wise to get POA and a will done now, if she has been diagnosed well, then there are hurdles. Good luck.

Oh my gosh,
I thought my mother was unique, never thought there could be another just like her. I know exactly what you going through. Mom has not been diagnosed as yet with ?Alzheimer's but yes she has dementia and growing worse. They are the same as they always have been. Mom thinks the world evolves around her and no one else better even think of getting even a sniffle. I lived with her for 21 year's until 9 month's ago when I was forced to relocate because she started punching me in the face and pulling my hair. I stay with her all those year's after my step-father passed away and felt she couldn't be alone. She doesn't even appreciate that I gave her 21 year's of my life and now I am disabled in a wheelchair often. I could say much more but is futile. My offer of advice for you would be to go to Police and your neighbor's, explain to all your mom's condition. I'm sure neighbor's already guess as much yet they have a tendency to not believe the younger. You must protect yourself. Get it in writing from her doctor as fro her condition. Take that and file it with the Police Department. Remain calm always (easy to say). Never raise your voice at her no matter what. My mom had gotten into the habit even while i was there of calling the Police for everything, from the TV cable going wrong because she punched the wrong key and I couldn't always reset it, so she would get mad and call them. She told all her friend's and neighbor's how terrible I was. No truth in a word she said. Finally after a 100 Police calls they found out the truth and begged me to take her to a home. I had a nervous breakdown in the end of trying to care for her myself. I fell on the stair's and broke my pelvic bone, she still wanted me to do everything for her. My doctor said i must take care of myself. Now she has 3 caregiver's and they rotate spending the night with her. She has 24/7 care. No, she can't afford this. What I'm having to do is speak with her financial planner and we'll have to send monthly payment's to her checking account to pay for caregiver's. Mom went out of her way on Christmas day to shun me and spoke kindly to the caregiver instead. That's just their narcissism. When they are ungrateful, you must help yourself to survive it all. Mom is 85 and stronger than me. Be kind to your mom, but don't let her roll over you. That's the best advice I can offer for now. God bless you in what you are doing.

Yes, and when I saw your post, had to reply. Mom died about a month ago at 92 but seems to have had a sociopathic side to her for decades that made her dementia even more of a challenge. As her son, I took care of her the last three years and also had neighbors, police and anyone that she could call informed that she was being abused, poisoned, etc. We had about 6 caregivers quit.
The bottom line is if you were raised by a narcissist, you will actually miss her when she's gone in spite of all the chaos. Keep in mind that it isn't forever and she isn't going to change but that she loves you in her own strange way and needs you in this last chapter of her life.
I feel good about myself now that she has passed knowing I did my best.
She actually said she loved me several times before she passed and I knew she was scared. As tough as they are with that difficult personality, you will miss her when she is gone so hang in there for now and you will be glad you did later, thanks.

my mom is 82 and she does nothing wrong and nothing you do for her pleases her and she always find fault. sometimes wew are in different eras. she lives with me and i have lost complete control of my dreams and life. im told i will get my life when she passes away. she tells me thqt everyday and if she wans somethng i have to go get it ---even if its at midnight to get food that we already have in the pantry and then the next day she complains to everone that i bought food twice. and she doesnt remember that she insisted i go ger her food because she was hungry. she ate cookies that i purchased the day before. insead of what i purchased at midnight

And I was hoping they'd "forget" they had been narcissistic and actually become somewhat reasonable...boy, I guess I was wrong!

I am happy today I found this board. Need the helpful advice all of you have posted. I do adore my mother to pieces and never wish her to pass away. I just wish she wouldn't be so hard to handle as do all of you with your parent's. This is a painful disease for everyone involved I see. Mom for a few year's now has been accusing family other than me of stealing her gold jewelry and $600,000.00 she believes her husband let her. he didn't have that kind of money. She has just always been money hungry and possessive, making my father and my step-father jump the hoop's for her. These are difficult people to deal with. My poor sister died 13 year's ago, how I miss her. I sure could use my sister's company now. Mom because she thinks people will steal all her stuff now wear's about 15 bracelet's on each arm so no one will steal them. And, she has about 2 ring's on both hand's on all 4 finger's not thumb's thank goodness. i want to scream when I see this. When she used to cook it made me crazy, because everything was her's she said. It was, "my cake..my meatloaf…my potatoes", etc. I can't figure this out. Why all is "my" "mine", according to her. Narcissism. I still have furniture, lamps clothing, etc at her house and she won't allow me to have them. So I sit in an empty house here and I won't buy more stuff when all is there. She got herself put into the physic ward last month by acting silly with 2 of the caregiver's. She is finding out she can't play games with them as she could try to trick me. I always called the ambulance for her because I feared for her, but she would be able to tell them the date, the president, her birthday,etc. They won't take them to ER if they say NO without you having a POA. I finally was able to get the one from her several month's ago before she got so angry with me. It took me 11 year's to get her to turn it over to me. She is lucky she gave it to me willingly, because I was the one who got her out of the psych ward after 12 days and they didn't want to release her until I proved she had 24/7 care. She even had to go before a judge by Skype there in the ward for him to say whether she could be released or not. My suggestion to anyone who doesn't have a POA now, you will need one or fight for Guardianship in court. Thank God I didn't have to fight for it. She is sneaky also. She loves her pain drugs and tries to get more than she's to take from her caregiver's. I had to have them put away so only the caregiver's know where they are. She tear's her room apart at night looking for them. I think it's just their personality, because my best friend's mother had Alz and she wasn't a problem to her daughter. In the begging the mom thought her son-in-law was her deceased husband and was a bit upset when my friend was by her own husband, she quickly got over that. That is all my friend mentioned as any problem. Her mother was a delightful woman when I was around, very calm and sweet. This is why I think the way they are in Alz is the way they were without. What do all of you think? Thank you for listening.

So sorry. This is so painful. We have moved my mother, who is late stage Alzheimer's, in with us. I have found that if she has an audience she will be ruthless in her cutting remarks. My mother has been an agree person most of her life but because it would not have been socially acceptable waited until people were out of earshot to make her remarks. AD has taken away her ability to hide her behavior. My mother had huge issues with her mother and I have found that just answering her by calling her by her mother's name at least squelches the comments. We aren't going to change the behavior just have to figure out how to handle it without more conflict. This simple approach has helped here. Please protect yourself by having her physician document her behavior.

Correction. My mother has been an ANGRY person most of her life.

Narcissism is very hard to deal with. The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" has some helpful advice. Some of you have mentioned how the parent's behavior was viewed as "quirky" and tolerated when they were younger and could do for themselves. I bet a lot of you just moved far away when you were old enough to liberate yourself from this parent. They could not hurt you as much if you kept your distance. However, now circumstances require that you have to deal with it up close every day. A child who loved and was loved by a parent does not resent the little quirks of old age, but a child who was hurt will find the burdens multiplied by tens. A simple criticism can hurt like a slap because you are already hurting. This parent is being a "brat" in a way because they are angry at their circumstance of old age. It's different than dealing with a bratty child however because old folks have certain "rights." Please find a counselor or group to talk to and do it soon! Tell your parent where you are going and why. Their world is very small now; it doesn't hurt to make them aware that what they are doing, have done, will do -- will have an impact. Don't let them be childish. I hope that you do not lose your quality of life. Good luck.

My mother has a personality disorder and Alzheimer's (mid/moderate stage). She has told the bank and other people the my sis and I are trying to steal her money and place her in a home. About 5 months ago, I decided I was going to treat everything about my mother as though it was due to Alzheimer's, not the personality disorder. It made things so much easier for me to deal with her. I had to separate the PD out of the equation. Recently mom started calling her friends and accusing them of stealing files from her house when she was not at home. She was panicking that she was going to be put in prison. We took her to the dr. asking if he could put her on an antidepressant to help reduce her anxiety. It's too soon to tell if it is working. Her friends know what is going on with her so they didn't take it personal. Yes, I think that Alz will make their personality disorder worse. My mother was always paranoid, distrustful, suspicious and very difficult to get along with. She was very verbally and emotionally abusive to us kids and emasculated my father so badly. My sis and I are named on the DPOA, however, we cannot use it until mom is certified as incompetent and she refuses to be evaluated. Her dr. knows this so when we took her to the dr. for the antidepressant, he said she should not be living alone anymore and he would call APS to come to her home to evaluate her and do a safety check on her house. That was on New Years Eve, we are still waiting for APS. It is difficult and heartbreaking and my heart goes out to all of you. Hugs to you all!!

My mom may be in early stages of Alzheimers too. She is now in a retirement home, so I don't have to deal with her demands as much as before, but she still manages to get me upset on the phone. She managed to go through over $100,000 dollars of my grandma's inheritance by buying anything she could on HSN. She was also a hoarder, and when she got sick with COPD and CHF I was stuck with digging her out of that place and finding someplace to put her. She only cares about her outward appearance and the cutting remarks I grew up with still continue. I manage the little bit of money she has left, and despite living in a wonderful environment she complains constantly. I moved away from her when I was 16, and it is ironic that I am now having to deal with her as I reach the age of 47. Narcissism seems to be very common as they age, and it doesn't help that many of them were tolerated when they were younger. Just take a breath and choose your battles. I am lucky that I don't live with her, but I am still drawn into her life because I have to manage the money she has left. Choose not to be offended by her comments. My mom honestly does not hear the way she speaks to me, and never has, and it is hard, but I try to let the remarks go as much as I can.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) weedwitch - it is tough

sharyn - you described my mother to a T except to add angry all the time - "My mother was always paranoid, distrustful, suspicious and very difficult to get along with. She was very verbally and emotionally abusive to us kids and emasculated my father so badly. " I think you handle your situation very well.

onlyoneholly - you described well what happens to those of us who were brought up by abusive parents. I am in that position "However, now circumstances require that you have to deal with it up close every day. A child who loved and was loved by a parent does not resent the little quirks of old age, but a child who was hurt will find the burdens multiplied by tens. A simple criticism can hurt like a slap because you are already hurting."

My mother has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She does not have dementia, though is losing short term memory as part of aging. I wish I could attribute her behaviour to dementia, but it is same old, same old - the cutting remarks and temper continue, and her sense of entitlement may have increased. She claims elder abuse when things don't go her way. It is just another tool in her arsenal.

weedwitch - If needed, for your own survival, consider a facility. Mine, like teach4lisa's, is in one, a lovely place, has home care 4 x a day and complains constantly, and wants me to get involved in making things better for her. Unfortunately, nothing will ever be good enough for her. In the past I have been accused of this and that. I have had to draw some very firm boundaries as it is affecting my health. My mother is 100 and going strong. I am 75, and find that in my 70's the stress of her negativism affects me more physically than it did when I was younger. I wonder if I ever will have a life without this stress, as in some way she is healthier than I am.

I guess what I am saying to everyone - look after yourself. In hindsight, if I had put myself first, and detached, while still seeing to mother's needs but not her whims and deands, I would be much better off now. People are living longer, which puts an additional burden on the caregiver, who also ages. (((((((hugs))))) to all for hanging in there.

WOW!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU..for opening up and sharing..it means so much.my father was /is abusive..narcissist...etc...my entire life..he hated..me..and even admitted it...because i was born 10 months after my parents married...of course i spoiled everything! now he has some dementia...but his anger and narcissism..(excuse typos ..i've had brain surgery..i'll also ramble..) has increased...my parents moved 2a/2 hours away; but i still get the calls from police...social workers..etc..i am trying to help my mom..she really needs to leave..i'll take her here..and he really needs a place; he has multiple medical problems, and cant even take his own pills. we see the decline of my mother; and i'm sure he'll kill her..and i feel there's no where to turn. in late october..the weekend of hurricane sandy; i drove to see him while he was still in rehab; he kept his back to me; ignored me..at that time i decided; after 54 years, i had to stop the cycle of abuse. months ago, i told him that i forgave him, and he laughed in my face. it's ok...i'm over that..not the abuse, but i have to go on...i have a family...but what to do now...i hire caretakers, and he goes through them like water. i call adult protective services; no psychatrist will diagnose him with dementia; despite prescribing those meds, and despite a cat scan showing areas of his brain that are not normal. he's paranoid; everyone is out to get him...screams and yells, like always...but my mother is a prisoner...this weekend i'm going up to spend one overnight..i will not take his abuse..but i know i will have to try for my mom...thank you all so very much...i saw my siblings over the weekend..and we are all wounded children, with so many issues...they feel like i do. i have my own health problems..it's great ..that he can say..listen pal..this will happen to you...i've already had health problems..; the reality is...he is strong and can outlive all of us...i just pray now..for a good resolution..and i pray his craziness won't kill my mom. hugs for everyone..

I learned from a young age to mentally disengage when my mother was "off the rails". I would tune out as much as possible, and absolutely never argue or defend myself. That always made it worse. I realized later that as a result, I have a hard time speaking up when I disagree. As a mother, I have encouraged my children to speak their mind when they disagree wih me, so long as they do it respectfully. Now, narcissistic MIL is living with us. My old survival skills are coming in handy. When I even sense the nastiness starting, I disengage. If I can, I physically leave he room. This is harder for my husband, but we are working on it.

@Houston…True you can't give them an audience, this is exactly what they desire and throw temper tantrums until they can get one. This is another reason I had to move out of the home. Mom would throw herself on the floor and kick her feet and arms just as a 2 year old tantrum. My step-father would throw her clothes and all into a cold shower to calm her down. What is with this age group of women? So spoiled.

We are all in the same boat. What has worked for me doesn't work for my sister and it may not work for anyone else. It is a life time of working on the damage of emotional and verbal abuse. I still have low self-esteem issues and my sister and other siblings have many issues as well. As we all can see from the people posting on this thread, the effects on our health and emotional well being is damaging. I hope all of you can get help either from the Area on Aging, a dr., social worker, respite. Putting your health first is a must and I know it is hard to do especially when you are living with the person you are caring for.

Oh Boy. I am right there with you. My father just passed away and I'm still looking for the answers myself.

Wow. Those who say they're glad they found this board because now they don't feel alone - I agree 100000%!

My mother is incredibly narcissistic, and although she can be compassionate and helpful, there's often a motive behind it. She helps out so she can SAY she helps out. She says something nice or tries to be sympathetic so she can SAY she has done so. She refuses, absolutely, to admit to any deficits due to her dementia, and will snarl and contort her face into the ugliest expressions, spitting out absolute lies about how she's showering daily or how she's vacuumed her apartment and I'm just "trying to browbeat her" whenever I try to wash dishes or pick things up.

Her personality now is simply an exaggerated version of what it was before she developed dementia. I liken it to someone who's a "mean drunk" - their true self emerges when inhibitions are lowered by alcohol. Her inhibitions are lowered by having lost whatever filters she had that prevented her outright "Me me me me me!!" approach to life before. Nothing was ever her fault, nothing was ever enough, etc... before, but she tempered her expression of that to suit the person she was dealing with and because she knew society in general and friends and family in particular wouldn't accept her being totally selfish. Now there's very little preventing her from expressing it, especially when she's "challenged" by any comment or question that implies she's not managing her life as well as she once did (and she didn't manage much of it well even decades ago, either). It makes caring for her especially difficult, because one runs out of patience with the childishness.

Just yesterday I heard from an old friend who's a year older than my mom. She volunteers at a school, she's helpful to her own kids, she's active and happy, and it was great talking to her. I have another friend who's 92 and although she's getting a little less sharp, reads the New York Times every day, can talk about any world event, tries to learn new things (I met her when her husband hired me to teach her to use the computer 20 years ago, and even since he died 10 years ago, she still wants to learn new things and stay "with it" as best as she can). She lives alone most of the time and makes the best of it. She doesn't try to make anyone feel guilty or like she's "owed" anything.

Seeing people who can age without falling apart mentally makes looking at the state my mom is in both painful (I feel bad for her that she has dementia) and maddening (because much of my mom's situation - financially, and certainly in terms of how she drove away most of her friends over the years, increasing her loneliness now - is of her own making). Only the fact that she can't remember things and can't follow procedures or plot-lines in movies or books (to entertain herself) is "not her fault." If she would just cooperate with attempts to help her, I would have UNENDING patience for her dementia-caused issues. I can answer a question 50 times in a row and not sound peeved. I can explain something 10 times and write instructions or simply eliminate her need to deal with it - and wouldn't mind a bit. But her comments and haughtiness and eye-rolling and foot stamping and fist-clenching - they make me want to just walk away and let her fend for herself.

Of course, she won't HEAR that she has any role in her current situation or that she's not a stellar person who makes my life easier. She actually told an interviewer from the Dept of Aging that she's "the only person who does any work around this house." And she believes this, and not only does she think it, she doesn't bat an eye telling anyone who'll sit still long enough to hear it (50 times).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

just had the phone call...my father called police...said my mom isn't taking care of him...that's after doing everything for him!! and so it continues...back to hospital...cops see that he's crazy...shrink won't see anything..that's why in nyc...there are so many crazy people released into society..i'll make all the phone calls...social workers, protective services..and it will go on and on..my sister has the flu..she said i can't anymore...cant find my brother...frankly..i just want this man to be out of our lives...he can go to a place...maybe someone will help him; maybe someone will bring him to God.....but how much can a family take? we've done everything..and he will NEVER EVER BE HAPPY OR LOVE US OR ANYONE....thanks for letting me vent...and so it continues..and he'll probably bury all of us....THANKS

WOW...I READ MORE OF THE COMMENTS....oh thank you thank you thank you all!!! yes, i've had the help....but then of course...he's laughed at me..for that..love to you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taking care of an elderly parent is hard enough without the added Pshchosis. My Mother is end stages Alzheimer's with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar and Narcissistic. Am an only child and when Dad died 19 months ago the burden of care fell to me. Yes we took over the care because there was no one else. Had we know how far along in dementia/alz she was we would have made different decisions from the get go. We now have her in an Assisted Living unit soon (matter of days) to be transferred to the alz unit in the same building. My suggestion would be to get her into either assisted living or alz unit. As I said earlier - taking care of a parent is difficult enough but with added mental health issues you tend to lose your self confidence and get worn down much quicker than if the mental issues are not present. Again I stress - moving her into a place that is much better equiped to care for her and you will both be much better off physically and mentally. You never know - she may like it! At some point you have to make a decision that is in yours and her best interest...... Good luck and know that we are all with you!

Not as articulate as everyone above but yes we are all in the same boat. I was amazed at how many people were going through very similar situations as I am. You will love being here.

Oh.My.God. Yes!!!!! I have to go deal with mine now, but I'll post more soon. People who have not dealt with NPD think it's the disease, but it is so much more. I am thinking of making a private facebook group for people like us - will post again soon.

My mother, father and three of my four sibs live in another state and have always lived close to each other. I have lived (as has another sib and his family) away for most of my adult life. I am the 'scapegoat' of the family - everything is and always has been MY fault, according to my mother. The same mother who has said she didn't think she had bonded with me as a baby, that I was a 'cold baby'(!) and also that my grandmother had 'stolen' me (explaining why she didn't love me really; wasn't her fault). My sib who lives away too is the 'golden child' and always has been (first son, born after me - daughter, the oldest - so I was basically the throw away after he came along). The rest of them as I said live nearby. My second brother, the one born after the 'golden child' was always the 'also ran' and he and I received the worst treatment, with me getting the most of it. The other two are sisters.
My mother always hated that I a) called a spade a spade and told the truth. Not a good thing in a denial-steeped family. b) I was always very independent and I think she thought I didn't need her. The fact was that I did, but I learned early not to count on her love or support and to fend for myself. I think God granted me my temperament to help me survive her attacks but early on, it very much took it's toll. I married badly to someone just like her, someone who I could never please. Someone who cheated repeatedly, was abusive, etc. We had three kids and now that they are all grown, my oldest daughter is close to her dad who never gave her a dime for college or saw her much but he has told her how everything was my fault and she is now close to him and never speaks to me. The other two kids I have good relationships with.
Anyway, my parents married at 17 and 20. My dad was raised by an enabler and an alcoholic, so he was well prepared to accommodate my crazy, selfish mother. They have been together so long he is as crazy as she is. They are also fairly wealthy so now that they are old, everybody close by is clammoring for their stuff and their cash. Sad to say. The brother who lives near them is now POA and their executor and due to this position, although he and I used to be close, we no longer are. I do agree he was the best choice for doing these things but again, in exchange for that position with my dad, who I am sure he always wished would be proud of him and give him an 'attaboy' like the other brother, the partial price has been he and I have been distant. He confided to me that my mother wants to write me out of the will and my dad is 'on the fence'. He asked me 'what should I do?' and I said 'the right thing'.
It is a mess. EVERYBODY goes along with my mother's craziness. She has always been erratic and mean but my dad sees a 17 year old in a brown dress (he reminisces about that all the time) and he believes once married, always married. He turned a blind eye to her abusiveness and has always tried to make sense of her behavior. Recently, at his 80th birthday, she went around telling everybody what she was going to do 'when Daddy dies'. I was not invited, by the way, although I know all of my parents' old friends. My mother reasoned to my father that I wasn't invited because we were all going on a cruise together (we paid for it) for my dad for his birthday. It was a surprise, so we couldn't tell him why we weren't there till the day of. My son was invited, though, and he went with his wife. They had him parking cars, running around helping with things like he was hired and not family. He was so hurt; my parents didn't introduce him as their grandson, yet made a big deal about my missing out of town brother's kids who called to say happy birthday. I know they punish my kids because they are MY kids. They are an extension of me. Later that day during the party a big, drunken argument ensued about my mother getting married again, of all things! People left as two of my siblings argued the merits of either of my parents getting married when one died or not! So crazy I can't even imagine! It culminated in my younger brother and his wife getting kicked out! My brother called me later that night, still inebriated, and said to me "If mom out lives dad, we are all screwed'!!!
Two weeks later my dad had met with my brother and 'explained' that my mother is just afraid of being alone (accounting for her telling everybody she wants to get married again) and supposedly, all was well. Meanwhile, my mother called me to gossip about my sister and I shut her down. Her response was the cold shoulder throughout the cruise, she wouldn't come to dinner when I was there, etc. In fact, she tried to get my dad to make me apologize or she wasn't going to go! We had put all this money up and she was willing to ruin it for him and he wanted ME to apologize! They went but we have barely spoken since then. I have had a lifetime of this BS.
My dad has told me he thinks she has Alzheimer's. Again, an excuse for her behavior. I suggested several times she get to a doctor if he thinks that, but he says 'when she gets worse I will". I explained that if caught early, there is more they can do to stave it off. On one hand he admits she is verbally abusive, even to him, yet he wants me to say I am sorry because she is driving him crazy. I get monthly nasty grams with religious and Bible references. I know she does this on the sly and he doesn't know. We are at a point now where I have really no contact with either of them and the rest of my siblings and I have been painted as a terrible person. Up to this year, since we live in a resort area in the south, they have come down - not invited, just tell us they are coming - to stay for over a month each year. They pay no expenses and are cheap about even taking us out for dinner. My mother stomps around when there is some real or imagined slight, she interrupts conversations or turns Fox News up as loud as it will go in the middle of a conversation, or slams out the door and leaves for hours on end for who knows what reason. Of course, after last years' disaster and what has transpired since, they are not coming/have not asked/are not invited but it has been a tense miserable mess every year. My husband has been a saint but he refuses to have anything to do with them now. He has seen enough.
I do not think my mother has Alzheimers, because she seems still so calculating and manipulative. She isn't out of it yet she does frequently re tell stories or repeats things she just said. It seems to me almost that she is so full of herself that she doesn't listen to anything anybody says, so if she asks a question she never really did hear the answer, which causes her to ask the same question. She cares really only for herself.
One of the classic arguments with her when she last visited here two years ago was a knock down drag out that she initiated. She cried and blurted that 'nobody thinks she has an opinion that counts, but she could have been a CEO if she wanted to". (She has never worked in her life). My dad was carressing her arm and she knocked his hand off. The more he tried to tell her how 'valuable' she had been in his business (she never did one thing to help him but spend money - my grandmother was his round the clock secretary/assistant/you name it) the more worked up she got. I just said that "wow, you sure have a lot of confidence. I worked all my life and managed people and I don't think I could be a CEO". Anyway, it was a mess with her crying and being dramatic. Please, put a gun to my head!
By the way, my mother can schmooze people if she wants to. She can be sweet, charming, great if she wants to impress somebody. And she will work that against me, so they think I am the one who just can't get along with her. Very conniving.
I do believe she is mentally ill but Alzheimers? As someone said above, you would hope their NPD behavior would stop if they had it. God help us all if it gets worse!

I just wanted to say that I am in the same boat with my 92 year old mother who lives with me. I am very glad to not be alone in this.

i know your pain...frustrated..they are master manipulators..and i enabled my mother to suck me in to enable her..but now...it ends...and i tell her..but i can't see her much anymore..as for him...i haven't spoke to him since late october...and it makes me feel free...but i know..as john bradshaw would say..we are wounded children...LOVE AND PEACE AND HUGS FOR ALL OF YOU...FROM ANOTHER..SURVIVOR..AND A WOUNDED CHILD..

I'm honestly puzzled about why anyone would have such a person in their home - "parent" or not. I realize that extreme financial circumstances might make any other solution than care in your home impossible, but nobody has any obligation to be abused - if a person is destructive, then placing them in some kind of insitution is entirely justified. All people have human rights, not just parents, or old people.They did not have a right to abuse you when you were a child, so why would they have a "right" to abuse you at any other time in your life? It seems that people can lose all perspective in dealing with an elderly parent, but no one of us is the center of the universe, with everyone else just the furniture.

rovana...i don't think you understand..why some people are staying..to take care..as for my mom..she's afraid she'll be charged with abandonment..instead of second guessing..let's all just support each other..we all have our reasons...for whatever..and where ever life has taken us...let's not do the could have , would have ..should haves...we express it here..because this is where we expect people ..to at least TRY and understand...thanks...for trying to understand what i'm saying..:) let's all get along..

Marylee, I appreciate your comment and you're right - supporting each other is the thing, a great source of strength. From my own experience, things did not start to look up for me healthwise until I realized that I had a lot of misconceptions about religious duty to one's parents. I happened to have an opportunity to talk with a priest who is a moral theologian and found that a lot of things I thought the "Bible said" just were not so. I was being blindsided by my ignorance. I think that none of us need "false guilt" to make difficult situations harder and sharing information is helpful to making good decisions. But I do realize that everyone's circumstances and history is different - one size won't fit all.