Anyone else dealing with a narcissistic mother with Alzheimer's?

This is why my mom's in a memory care ward with no access to a telephone. I didn't give her a choice. My husband told her that she was moving and that was the way it was going to be - the end - no argument - and that's what we did.

The only thing that works is BOUNDARIES with barbed wire around them and a moat full of hungry gators. Adult children of narcissists are in a fragile place. Nobody but another insider will believe you. My mother put on a great show for others until these past few years when she couldn't keep it up anymore.
There were only a couple family who were perceptive to understand there's more going on than what she's saying and that what she reported on me didn't sound like truth. I was supposedly out hooking and selling drugs in junior high school. Nice mother. Very nice. I could not have been more opposite.

So, care in my home was 100% off the table. She gets far better care in a nursing home than she could anywhere else.

Amazing how many of us are in the same boat but refusing to sink with it ! The strangest thing...my hateful, narcissistic mother seems to have forgotten that she hates me (of course that could be just because she doesn't always remember who I am )... she even told me about 2 wks ago that I'm a good daughter and called me 'honey'...that has NEVER happened ! Maybe she just realizes I'm the only reason she's not in a nursing home yet. It's so so hard, emotionally, having to care for someone who was never willing to care for you...the resentment is huge but at least we know that we're not like her.
I wonder if you're right about 'that generation'...I'm 69, Mom is 91.

This is what I am waiting for mleigh. My mother's father, who I never heard a good word about growing up and barely knew, ended up the same way. And my NPD mother actually did care for him at the end. I mean, made sure his clothes were washed, his needs met, etc in the nursing home. Everybody there LOVED him.
Such a 'sweet old man'. He definitely had CRS. My mother, if I a lucky, will be the same way and I will visit her then and only then. Maybe she will think I am one of my two sisters, who she seems to adore (at least in their presence, because she has never had the ability to not stir up trouble and talk about everyone behind their backs). I just quit listening to it long ago, which caused her to absolutely rage at me, and who cares! She didn't give a rat's ass about me and once she vented she would for sure hang up on me and call someone else about me! She has poisoned everyone in our family, including my own NPD daughter, who continues the tradition. It is scary how strong that gene is. I call what I do 'going noodly'. Remember having little kids who are upset and when you try to pick them up they go completely limp? You can't do anything with them, because they are impossible to lift or move when they get completely loose. I have gone 'completely loose'. She can't irritate me, move me (emotionally), manipulate me. Nothing. The less I put myself out there, the less upset I am.

My 83 year old dad with end stage congestive heart failure and dementia and NARCISSM lent me his car cos mine broke down ( with the 10 times per week 80 kilometre trip) He then walked 2km to the doctors today!!! After I told him on the phone he should have got a taxi he said well I haven't got MY car, have I? YOUVE got it!!!!! He was so breathless that he couldn't talk. He spent all day in the ER with sore leg and yet he walked to doctors. Meanwhile I lay awake all night worrying that he will pass away on his own. I do his huge garden, his windows ( he too mean to buy in labor) his laundry. This is while trying to hold down my job and raise my son single handed. Why do I do it?????? I need to think about me. As soon as I take an hour off and he thinks I might be sitting down he takes himself to ER and nurses ring me...did I KNOW my father was there????I Fell asleep in ER one night I was with him and he couldn't bear that he didn't have a narcissistic supply so woke me up to see if I wanted a coffee!!!!!!! We were there cos he couldn't breathe!!! I could write all night but I just keep trauma alive if I do so. Its good to share, thanks

I just read your submission, and I was floored! You exactly described my mother and my situation! I have always known my mother was a narcissist, but now that she has mid-stage Alzheimer's, she is much worse. I have been treated as if I am her own personal slave, and she bad mouths me behind my back every chance she gets and to every person she sees. I was turned into elder services for elder neglect by my aunt because she believes I am abusive to my mother. I feel trapped, because I have tried to talk with her doctors about this, and I am not believed because my aunt has lied to them about me. I am at wits end, and feel as if I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't at this point. It is helpful though to know I am not the only one having to go through this nightmare.

To be fair most geriatricians (not your everyday ordinary doctor) understand the facets of dementia - this is really typical - a daughter does everything another sibling nothing and yet they are always the golden child while cinders over there is horrid - it really is a bit like a fairy story. My mother has suddenly and I mean suddenly decided she wants to see my brother who she hasnt seen for 10 years, has cut him out of her will and whom we have a restriction order against. Now we aren't talking minor stuff here - drugs, drink, drunk driving, prison, detox, drink driving detox, drugs, prison AGAIN plus some other stuff which Mum isnt aware of , that I dont want to go into and which would see him do even more jail time. Added to that he stole 10K off my mum.

Right now I am the bitch from hell because I wont go and find him. He might be a sibling but I am adopted so not a blood sibling and I can tell you all right now - no way while I draw breath will I seek him out. So she asked golden granddaughter who said....Nana are you feeling poorly again? If you want to see XXXXXXX again you need to go into a care home because we aren't alllowing him anywhere near THIS house. OOOOOH now we are both in bad books! Not to worry eh!

There is a reason that I found this chat line because I am going through most of these same things. My mother never learned to read or write so with the doctor saying that she may be in early stage of dementia makes it worse. I have been dealing with her health problems for eight years and it has only gotten worse. She is mean to me, lies on me and just treats me like crap. I would like to say that the dementia is doing this but that would mean that she has had dementia since I was born and that's not the case. I have taken her to the hospital for numerous times over the last years. She has diabetes and it is really bad because she wont take her medicine. I found her in a diabetic coma about a month ago and she claimed it was because she doesn't have any food to eat but that's a lie if she calls me and tell me that she doesn't have any food I will take her some. She told the drs and nurses that no one will help her. I have helped her so much that I now suffer from severe migraines. Now her nurse and social workers say that I have neglected her . How can you neglect someone that doesn't live in your house? These people in turn filed a complaint with the state saying that I neglected her. I have tried to do everything for her neglecting myself. M children don't want me to help her because of the way that she has always treated me as well as them. She has always been a mean person and now its gotten worse and the bad thing is some people believe these lies.This is all a big headache now and I just don't know what to do because the situation has gotten worse. I know that the social worker and or the nurse lied on me to get services that they wanted the state to give her but this is still slandering my name and I just don't know what to do. I have already filed a complaint against them and I need more ideas how to address this issue because they don't realize that they put families in just to get services for someone who does not take care of herself and to top it off she is only 65 years old and has a live in boyfriend who does nothing but mooch off of her and she loves him dearly and would never do anything to hurt him but she would actually bury me. I have told the medical staff not to call me for anything but to deal with her on their own because it is stressing me out so bad that my blood pressure is high and my migraines are back. Any solutions?

I gave up my home, career and friends to move 200 miles and care for my narc mother for four horrendous years until she went into a NH over 2 years ago. From the NH she called me daily, ranting, raving, blaming and was so mean to the other residents. Initially she shared a room with a really sweet lady but every waking moment my mother was after her, berating, ranting, calling her a bitch ... the woman had a stroke and died and I expect the stress had something to do with it. I got her a private room before she killed anyone else.

The daily screaming phone calls continued. One day a ministry official visited to check the NH out. When they asked if she had any concerns (with respect to her care) she said she didn't know where the money went from the sale of her house, yet she was kept advised every step of the way. That brought the government down on my head, having to produce paperwork and records of investments ... after all I'd given up and all I'd done for her I was treated like a common criminal. Of course the case was very quickly closed but that was the last straw. I blacked out doing 85 in my truck and it was either her or me. I had a nervous breakdown and was quite ill for months.

I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. I've been very careful never to give her my address either or she'd be sending the cops around with some cockamamie imaginings. These days I preserve her money, ensure her bills are paid and run her errands. On some visits she can be reasonable, but mostly it's a total pity party, woe is me, me, me, waaaaah!, and I sink into a black hole for the next 24 hours.

She's always on about going outside to get some fresh air so last visit I suggested we go sit out on the patio. Nope, not good enough, want to go for a drive, go shopping ... she can't even sit up, is incontinent and I can't lift her.

I won't visit as often as I used to and I'm working on rebuilding my life. She's been the mother from h*ll and everything I do and have done for her is purely out of duty. I will never be totally free until she dies but in the meantime I'll do all I can to protect myself.

I am saddened to hear that my situation with my AD father is not so unique, while also being a bit relieved. AD seems to take away the cognitive abilities that allow people with NPD to be tolerable to others. My mother put up with my father's abusive personality, but she passed away several years ago. My sister doesn't want to have anything to do with supporting my father. Although he's in an assisted living facility, dealing with him is a nightmare. I feel sorry for my father, because I believe that external circumstances during his childhood resulted in him having NPD. Despite this, I had compassion fatigue long before he was diagnosed with AD. Some days I'm more patient with him than others. My experience with my father has caused me to re-think my own life, and to do my best to have a positive relationship with my teenage children, to do my best to keep my own brain healthy, and to try to build positive social connections of my own. My heart goes out to anyone having to help support a parent with AD, and especially those with AD+NPD.

Just an update....my mother passed away 3 weeks ago...comfortably and in good care at a fine nursing home where she only stayed a week and a half. Everyone at the nh thought she was just the sweetest little woman in the world and in the end she actually was....my sister (in another state) the 'golden child' never came to see her or help me but at least, unlike my sister, I have absolutely no guilt as far as my mother is concerned I did everything possible to make her life comfortable...my only regret is that we never had the relationship we could have had. As I read through her letters and books and articles she was interested in I'm finding we had so much in common but she would never let me know that person....what a shame, for both of us . To those of you still struggling with this issue just know that there is no way to change it and none of it is your fault....do whatever is necessary to make you feel good about yourself in the end........then let it go.

Thank you for helping us with our sanity or insanity. I did not even realize my mom has narcissism, thought she was hypochondriac, and now has dementia on top of it. We have been pulling our hair out also. Will be reading here and trying to post from time to time.

Mleigh so sorry for your loss, my strength goes out to you sweetheart.

I just want to chip in here ...my mums consultant says she is NOT narcissistic (hmmmmph!) but has a dependancy personality disorder. Now he has explained this to me I can sort of understand it. Her generation virtually ALL had relatives that went to war and during that period there was a far greater social cohesion than has ever been known. It also brought about codependancy as siblings and friends and relatives all sought to support each other during that very difficult period. Mums house was bombed but not destroyed, her friends lost their loved ones. She was lucky Dad came home but her father had lost a leg in WW1 so she was brought up in a world where the older members of the family depended on their children. So he utter dependancy on me and her anger when I don't do something immediately and I mean NOW / INSTANTLY isn't in her mind narcissism at all - it is that I should be doing it. Now while most with this disorder are compliant submissive angels (and Lord knows that would drive me mad too) Mum's emerges as anger towards me as an ungrateful child who has never done anything for anyone ever - yeah OK Mum whatever!

So before we all label our kin (and I had labelled mine) as narcissistic, because she has always been that way, we may need to rethink our feelings in the light of their upbringing.

That said it doesn't make it one jot easier, if anything it makes it worse but at least I know WHY she is like it now.

Love to all xxxx

Yes!! MIL !!! she stands behind the blinds and talks about neighbors people walking their dog down the street, they never wave to her when in fact SHE is the only one who refuses to wave !! Everything is about HER 24/7!! She broke her chair again and although hubby ordered the parts and PAID for it she says how much did that cost ME ?? When we go out she see's him pay the bill but tells people he makes her pay for everything !! When we first moved in we thought she just needed help with her medications and split the rent 1/2 & 1/2 and food now it's we pay all the rent her credit card payments.. all the food all the stuff for the house; toilet paper laundry soap etc... last night there was a HUGH blow up about MONEY... she says she can't afford to pay his way! hubby's lip is a bloody lip from chewing him mouth shut ..I try to explain that although she don't see it most of the time he pays more than she is aware and brought up the rent electric bill food all of it. Then brought up the fact that no one else in this family even calls to see if she needs anything cause yesterday we stopped to pick up a RX and the pharmacist said your sister is here... ( to hubby ) did she bother to call and say Hey mom you have a RX here would you like me to pick it up? Do you need anything? Hell no ( pardon my candor) Hubby is ready to throw her to the wolves .. ( sil ) BUT this it's all about her is nothing new and that's what I try to remind hubby.. she's always been this way just way more now

I wish some of these Dr's had to spend a week with our loved one's cause they don't know SQUAT in a 10 minute visit

And breathe Kathy y1 Doctors do know IF YOU TELL THEM on the quiet. My doctor is really good about actually hearing what I have to say because he knows how near the edge I actually am ALL OF THE TIME. He also knows that unless I absolutely have to I won't take meds. Have to be really quite poorly before I will take purely because they make me gag. I need liquid form like babies have!

The damnedest thing about dementia is that all the traits of the individual are magnified or lost. now if there was a god all the bad traits would be lost and all the good ones magnified. Almost never happens until the very late stages of dementia and I mean very very late stages. The earlier stages are much more trying but we also have to remember that these people KNOW they have dementia or at least KNOW that something is radically wrong and they are scared. Wouldn't we all be?

Now I am not saying for one second that makes it any easier at all ...it doesn't but it does explain their fear of losing control, their fear of not being able to pay their way, their fear of embarrassment in front of others. Their fear if you like of their individuality.

As for unhelpful siblings - fiery pit for the lot of them - you watch them hover when the will is read - they will be there in droves like vultures just waiting for their meal (ticket)

(((((((Hugs))))) That is very true. Mother's Borderline Personality Disorder was not diagnosed till she was 96. They knew she was "difficult" but they never looked for a diagnosis. I don't think upbringing totally explains narcissism or personality disorders as some siblings are normal and some have the disorder all coming from the same family in the same era.

Kathy - she has dementia so she will not make sense and she will be paranoid, She cannot understand as her brain is damaged. Learn all you can about Alz/dementia. Teepa Snow does good videos about Alz to help caregivers. Your sil sounds very self centered. If mil has been like this before the addition of Alz to a personality order is a 5 ring circus. It helps if you can learn to give responses to her that will calm her down as confrontations don't work. Google teepasnow People here have found her to be a great resource. The other thing is to read as much as you can about the disease. You can learn - she can't any more. Sometimes it is better to say things like, "Yes Mum, I will look into it" rather than telling her it isn't true that she pays for everything.

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from an article on therapeutic fibbing:

."Therapeutic fibbing" is a concept designed to relieve the guilt that often comes from lying to a loved one, even when that lie may very well be the kindest thing you can say to them in that situation. Those with dementia often stuggle with logic, rational thought, sequencing and emotional control. Therapeutic fibbing may be appropriate when telling the truth would cause pain, anxiety or confusion, or when the person with dementia is experiencing life in a different "time zone."

For example, say your wife wants to drive to the grocery store, but you do not believe that she is a safe driver due to her dementia. Instead of telling her that she's no longer safe to drive, you could tell her that the car is in the shop for repair, tell her that you've misplaced your keys or tell her that you'll drive her to the store, since you need to go out anyway.

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re the pills perhaps her doctor can insist she have them blister packed and administered by you. Sometimes an authority figure outside of the family can get better results. Mother finally accepted others handling her pills once she spent some time in a geriatric psychiatric hospital. Good luck

I like PhoenixDaughter's comments regarding the labeling, although I am totally guilty of doing that with my mother. I did hear an actual psychologist say the other day that the 'narcissist' label is truly the 'hot' thing now. Evidently there is an explosion of people being 'narcissistic'. Maybe, maybe not. I usually would say, 'from everything I have read and understand about NPD, my mother most definitely fits that mold but I am not shrink'. The bottom line is the behavior. And I think that is a very good point. Succinctly describing behavior without putting a label on it makes it much easier to both get advice on how to deal with this type of personality as well as coming to a personal grip with one's own personality and how the two mesh or clash. My mother has never had a job in her life. She married at 17 and my dad was 20. By that time, he had graduated from college and went to war (Korea) during which time my mother, who lied to her parents about getting married, moved in with her doting in laws as soon as she turned 18. My father, an only adored but hardworking son/child, was given great career opportunities by his dad, who was in the land development, building and real estate industry, and he outshined his success. So my dad retired at 50. They have never known a day when money was extremely tight, my mother has never had to deal with a cheating husband or a hard day at work while also trying to raise children but she is resentful of the fact that I did have a career and was successful. It was hard. My mother is by nature selfish, dramatic, vindictive, angry ('complains with her mouth full) and focuses most of it, if she has availability on me (I was born when she was 20). She is very jealous, which is strange to me; I have two beautiful accomplished adult daughters and cannot imagine jealousy every being an emotion that I would experience regarding them. I can come up with a million 'reasons' why she is such a nasty person with such a selfish, mean and demanding 'aura' but the bottom line is that I have put up my own boundaries so that I only take what I can take when it comes to her. My faith and character are my guides for doing the right things in my life. I refuse to let her beat up on me and therefore have little to do with her. It really doesn't matter everything a person has 'been through'. I have 'been through' a lot in my life, much of it at her hand. It is somewhat like a pedophile making the excuse that they do it because they were abused. There still is a consequence to actions and there are still victims left in the wake. We can only change ourselves.
I was a doormat who had no idea about how I really felt until my early thirties, till I got away from my hometown and extended, dysfunction family and saw my marriage and mistreatment from my husband for what it was. I also realized success that I never had before and was making my own choices, not needing my controlling parents to help me do it. I came to understand how I married someone as abusive as my mother was to me and knew I had to end my marriage. And to think I went into it wanting to figure out how to 'work things out' with him. I did the hard work mentally and emotionally and also from a professional standpoint. I hear in so many stories here how people are so tired of being used by their parents but don't think they can choose to say NO. Not only is it ok to do that but it is healthy and will extend your life as opposed to shortening it and making yourself sick in trying to please the unappeasable. The truth often is that talking about them and their mental illnesses and how it affects us makes it easier in a way than doing the hard work to get ourselves better. Once you are healthy in your own mind, what someone who isn't does becomes less of your own problem. It isn't easy and 'they' know how to push your buttons. But nothing worthwhile is easy. Life is no dress rehearsal.

I'm trying to find some much needed advice/support with my 75 yr. narcissist mother who now has stage 4 dementia.. Life as a child under just the narcissism was horrible enough.. The amount of therapy I had to go through to undo what she had done to me was bad enough.. And now it's magnified 10 fold. She is still trying to pit us 3 kids against each other, but now she can't even keep her own lies together. So she tells anyone who will listen lies about us kids. She's at our mercy at this point and she fights us on everything!!!!! Drs took her ability to drive away from her and some how that's our fault.. We need to start the process of finding her a nice place to stay.. None of us can move her into our homes. (Been there done that - total disaster!) I really need to find some kind of answers/solutions/support anything that might help us deal with my mom..
Will Appreciate anyone's comments.

Boy howdy, it sure seems to me that my NARC mother's worst traits have gotten a whole lot worse since she's progressed down the dementia path. I have no idea whether she has Alzheimer's or just ordinary dementia, but her foul moods and judgment passing on everyone has gotten unbearable. I read somewhere that when a person ages, all he really IS becomes magnified, and I can vouch for that fact. The ugly get uglier, the words get nastier, the complaining all the more bitter. When my Aunt (mom's sister) went down this road, I felt it was a huge blessing when she became non-communicating. My cousin thought it was horrible, but what she was doing beforehand was a whole lot worse!

I wish I had a useful tip for you, I really do. I try to block out the terrible things she says and keep my visits and phone calls to a bare minimum. Unless boundaries are set down with NARCS, they will run everyone over with a bulldozer. And even with those boundaries in place, they change ALL the rules ALL the time. If I say black, she says white. Then if I agree to white, she's back to black in a heartbeat. There is no winning with women like this; so we just have to do the best we can, right?

Ohreally51..........I think that talking about these issues is a very helpful thing to do. It doesn't mean we're not doing the hard work to make ourselves better........but figuring it all out in the first place! Heck, I didn't even know WHAT was going on until I turned 50 or so! Hard to believe, I know. Narc personality types tend to brainwash us "younguns"........making everything OUR fault, because there's never anything wrong with THEM. It takes a lot of soul searching and hard work to stop blaming ourselves and to recognize what's happening! It certainly IS ok to say NO, but when there's an only child involved, there is nobody else to pick up the shattered pieces of what these women leave behind..except us. Unless a person chooses to go 'no contact', even limited contact is exhausting. Energy vampires suck out the soul.......until we develop techniques to cope. And hopefully said techniques don't involve booze, drugs, or binge eating.

I'm glad you were able to heal and to stop being used & abused, I really am. Lots of us are on that road as well, and sharing our stories makes us feel like we're not alone. Plus, we glean lots of useful tips and advice along the way!

Thanks for sharing your story........it definitely gives others hope, and makes us realize we DO have options.

You have described my mum to a tee. I wish I'd realised years ago, before she was sick, that she was a narcissist, instead I used to feel bad because she made me feel I wasn't good enough. I'm currently experiencing similar problems to you, but fortunately her neighbours have also seen a different side to her & feel sorry for me. I don't know what the answer is but you're not alone. If it helps, I'm keeping a diary of all episodes / accusations and keeping proof so I can counter the claim. I also plan to see her GP to ensure its documented. Also, save all the abusive /delusional phone messages and again try to disprove whatever your mum says. Hope it's helped. Good luck.

Yes! I have a narc mother with alzheimer's!!! I didn't know anyone else has or is dealing with this. I'm very interested in comparing notes. I just spent 5 days with her on a so-called vacation that my dad invited me on. She made it such h3ll for me, attacking me when no one else was around, then going to my dad and telling him I was being mean to her, so finally dad paid my way to leave their camp and go home! Thank goodness for that! I was ready to hitch hike home the first night, when she took my blanket away from me after telling me to take that blanket for my bed in their motorhome! I give them my BED and bedroom when they come to visit! Not anymore! It's complete NO CONTACT for me now!!!!!

My entire family, excluding me, coddles her narc dementia! She SO enjoys all the attention it brings to her! She will hug me and say she loves me in front of others, but when her and I are alone, OH MY! It's like talking with the devil!!!!!!! NO CONTACT for me from now on! I MUST protect myself! I leave the care to those who feed her narc ways and coddle her! THEY are creating the monster she is by enabling her behavior! I will take no more!!!!!!!!

Dealing with my narcisstic mother and placing her in professional care was the most difficult situation I have ever had to deal with. As others have said I now agree, we should have never taken mom in our own home care. Just before dad passed he told us kids that mom was having memory problems. After he passed, we managed to get her to sell her home, invest her money, update her Will including naming her Powers of Attorney for personal care and property. When we realized she couldn't pay her bills correctly we had her change her chequing account to joint so we could monitor. When she couldn't remember her PIN numbers, we had to simplify her banking. When she couldnt do her taxes, we had to go to H&R block. Things of course got worse. She is highly intelligent and excellent at fooling everyone. We had to make her doctor aware of her memory problems in a private family meeting with him. He administered a memory test which she passed. We couldn't believe it. More time went by and more issues arouse. We got her in for the MMSE test. Fortunately I was allowed to sit in. It showed short term memory and "mild" cognitive impairment problems. We were glad that finally, we had some proof. After a few minor collisions and even though she managed to get her drivers license renewed at age 85 for 2 more years, we managed to get her licence revoked by the doctor. We had already taken away her car, selling it when it came out of the body shop for the last time. She would not voluntarily stop driving. Next she had a CT scan to rule out other issues such as stroke. The specialist would not give us the report. Said we had to get it thru the family doctor. The family doctor gave us only the clinical report which said her brain showed normal shrinkage for age. Still no proof. But at least we had from the family doctor a likely diagnosis of Alzheimer's based on the MMSE test and her family history of having a brother and sister with Alzheimer's. Fortunately we were able to learn from the experiences of other family members. When things started to get really bad with her after 3 1/2 years of home care, it was time to move her. When you grow up with a narcisstic mother they drive wedges between siblings all the old baggage comes up. She made me think my brother was abusing her. We were fighting among ourselves, and each of us had our own opinion about what to do. Finally, after much emotional turmoil we agreed on a plan to move her into a retirement home. Mom agreed. She left a deposit on a room. After making all the arrangements, she forgot she liked it. Then huge resistance from her. In the midst of moving, she started calling people to cancel everything. Took her to the doctors complete the admission forms for the retirement residence and she had a fit. Even though she liked it and had agreed to it the week before, she had forgotten. The doctors office wouldn't complete the admission form. Another family meeting. We needed to be on the same page. We all told her she could not stay at my brothers home and he is moving. She raised hell. Then tantrums, tears, pity plays. She kept saying we don't want her and are throwing her out. She cried uncontrollably in front of Grandchildren and great grand children. I called two lawyers seeking advice on how to invoke the powers of attorney. As soon as they know what you want, they didnt return my calls. In Ontario, Canada there is a law called the substitute decisions act. I had to read it myself. No lawyer would get involved. No doctor can provide a firm diagnosis. What did I have at the end of the day? An MMSE test which she barely failed and mild cognitive impairment although anyone close to her knew she was much worse. People not that close to her, don't understand her issues. At the end she turned on everyone when she doesn't get her way. She does anything for sympathy, pity and attention. We finally got her her to sign all the paperwork at the retirement home and agree to an assessment. I know the battle is not over. You never know whats next. Having a narcisstic mother and no mother-daughter connection, there are so many times i just want to walk away. But I have a conscience and a legal responsiblilty as POA to do the best I can. My advice to all who are dealing with this...dont move them in. When the time comes, it's very hard to move them to a retirement home, nursing home or long term care. You have to be involved in their doctors appointments to know what's going on as they can't help themselves and they don't remember what the doctors tell them. Dont expect the doctors to solve your problems because they have to protect their privacy but work with them to get what you need. Dont think a lawyer will help you, read the law for yourself. All family members must stand firm and together as a narcissist easily divides and conquers. Sympathize as they can't help themselves.

I understand "42yearsafter" and have struggled with my parent's narcissistic, BPD issues for decades. I have no sibs, and any family members left are in their 80's with their own health/life concerns. Keep a consistent line of communication open with your family members, write things down, and try to secure a working relationship with a few persons who may see your parent daily. It's good to be proactive so you can keep at bay the "say what?" blindsides. Good luck.

I'm in the same boat. Mother is in stages 6-7. Today she woke up and sat naked on her bed. I finally found out she had forgotten how to dress herself. I've got a nurse, so she helped her. Extremely confused. And she has the same personality disorder you're dealing with. Get the family doctor, pharmacists, neighbors to witness her abuse or tale. Then you have other people who know the truth. Also, I want to address the fact that the patient is robbing you of years of your life. My mothers friend who was 90 told me that. No one has mentioned this fact in all my research. Best advice is go along with anything, no matter how crazy it sounds. If it's something you're not going to like, just say "ok, tomorrow ". They forget in a few minutes.

I agree 100% with you, tpseekonk. I adopted an attitude similar to yours about 6 months ago, when I was at breaking point. Life is so much better now. My mother is still taken care of AND I now spend quality time with my children. I agree & recommend making others aware of the abuse... I went on holiday for a week in June, 3 of my cousins (2of whom are in the medical profession) visited my mother daily. They had such an horrific time with her, 2 of them have now completely distanced themselves, no visits, calls or birthday cards. Apparently they were "demented" with her, which is amusing as one of them works with the criminally insane. Don't feel guilty taking a step back. Everyone benefits from a calmer & happier you.

Part one: I recently went through much of this type of stress. Your health of your loved one is the focus here whether he or she is a monster or not. Yes, I said it. I suggest stepping outside yourself and focusing solely on that human being's physical health with your bible in one hand and your own daily dose of tranquilizers in the other. Its the only way to survive a narcissist. You will never make someone happy who loves to be miserable. They want to drag you down. I had extra issues before I even got started. My mother's neighbor seemed to think that she was entitled to know every bit of my mother's business. She used to arrange for the workers and "Go in" on tree trimming etc. With my mother. She cheated the h e double hockey sticks out of mom for 50 years. Her work was done for free. Mom paid for everything. Mom did not believe all these years this woman was a gossip and swindler. I told her over and over since I was five years old. Fifty years. It was like talking to a wall. Mom accidentally sat on her alarm pendant and the paramedics came out. This neighbor ran around mom's property screaming "She's got a gun! She's got a gun!" to everyone. My 88 year old mother has hips that are crumbling. She could barely walk. She weighed 85 pounds. She certainly was no threat. The paramedics called me second. They were very upset with the neighbor. Apparently the neighbor had herself placed on the alarm company list to be called first and I'm the daughter. Then she ran off with a set of mom's keys after refusing to give them to the paramedics. She had let them in. That was the last straw. My mother was no longer going to be the neighbor's entertainment and the neighborhood's topic of gossip. I took over. Oh, the neighbor didn't like it that my family moved in and I took over my mom's affairs. The swindling and gossip came to a screeching halt. Mom's bank balance got larger. First, I had mom's attorney come out for a family meeting. Second, I got an air tight poa and third, I changed mom's phone number to another unlisted one. I explained to mom that the neighbor was never her friend. She embarrassed her in front of the entire neighborhood and if she gave the neighbor the new phone number, I'd have her put in a nursing home immediately because we would not support this kind of behavior. I immediately had a security team out to assess and rekey mom's house to a master key. No more "Neighbor with the keys" business. My husband installed $20,000 worth of the same type of security cameras they use at the white house. Facial recognition cameras. The best. He put in motion lights all around the house. We put out a large tasteful no trespassing sign visible from the street. We hired our own gardening team. There is a generator to power the whole house if the power goes out. The security team made a separate key to the basement door and a lock that would take attila the hun to conquer. My husband alarmed the basement floor with a water alarm which goes right to his phone as do the security cameras. They put a realtors box on the back door out of view of the street. I gave the alarm company the box code for emergency personnel. I explained the neighbor's behavior and they took her completely off the list. The neighbor was furious at all the activity. She drove by constantly to see what we were doing, what we were installing. When we left for a bit, the neighbor came down to my mother's house and pounded on all the doors and windows. She scared my mother to death. Mom was huddled in a corner. She managed to call my husband. I called the neighbor and she immediately demanded my mother's new phone number. I told her that she would have to ask my mother's attorney for the phone number and she was not on the list of approved visitors so he didn't want her to have it. "Well why not?" "You'll have to ask him. She insisted that I put flyers in all the neighbors' mailboxes in order to keep the neighbors up to date on what was going on with my mom. I said that would be a great way for my mother to be burglarized. That I'm sure my security team would not approve. I told her that the security cameras showed her pounding on my mom's doors and windows, therefore, terrorizing her. If she did it again, I would call the police, report her and turn the dvd over to the district attorney. She was not to come onto mom's property again. She told me I had mental problems. I told her she had nosiness problems and hung up on her. Then I blocked her calls from coming in on my cell phone. All people having business on mom's property are known to my husband and myself only. Mom would invite jack the ripper in for a tea party. Her house is completely self contained. Part two: we kept our house. Our "Narcy" (narcissist) tried to con us into staying with her permanently. I made the mistake of waiting on her hand and foot. She didn't have to lift a finger. I did it out of respect. Huge mistake. You cannot respect a narcy and keep your sanity. They will want more and more and more....It never ends until you drop and can't go on. You will never please a narcy. My husband was at the top of his field by age 40. I had four promotions and was at the top of my field when I left to have my child at age 41. I'm sure you've had your own successes. Big or small, they are successes. You don't need anyone's approval. Especially, someone who enjoys making you feel like a failure in order to bolster himself. Also, a narcy will find your weaknesses and push your buttons to manipulate you into getting whatever he or she wants from you. For example, previously when the dementia started (unknown to us, she hid it) we took mom to florida on vacation with us. She got up one night seven times. Got dressed seven times. She insisted that she had to do her taxes. We didn't bring any financials. There were no taxes to do. All night long. Taxes, taxes, taxes. We had to barricade luggage at the front door and one of us had to sleep near the beach door. We were right on the sand so we had to protect both doors so she couldn't leave. The next morning. "You stole my bridge, nail scissors, mirror, comb, toothbrush," you name it. Everybody up!!! Start looking. I was fighting her2 neu +++ breast cancer. She came in my bedroom where I was bedridden and nagged me until I got up and helped look. I was bald, gray, stick legs, cancer port, bandages, morphine and narcy upset me so badly, that, I was pulling apart her bedding and crawling around looking. According to my oncology team, I was supposed to recuperate in florida. They insisted I go to rest. When my husband, daughter and I found the items there was no apology. Yes, this went on for six straight mornings. During the day it was "Where is my purse?" someone might jump through the beach door and take it. Yes, with all four of us sitting there. All day long. Over and over. My husband carried ten times more in his shorts pocket than she did in her "Vault", the purse. My husband secreted our extra cash elsewhere. She had us at each other's throats the whole vacation. We've had only two arguments in 16 years. It was satan's lair. After each morning's search, she sat at the table and placed her napkin in her lap and waited so that I might serve her, her breakfast. She never acknowledged my illness. Everything was about her. On the way home (driving) we stopped at a restaurant. Just before we enter "Now mom, don't mention your purse. Its not a safe thing to do." we go in. Not there 30 seconds. "Is someone watching my purse!!! There's a lot in it and I have to go to the bathroom. Huge decibel level. We're horrified. She did it at every restaurant. We watched behind us the whole ten hour trip home. Part three: she loves to argue. About everything. That is what is breaking down our health. It is endless. Its her entertainment. I had to start getting tough with her. We built mom a suite in our home so that our daughter can attend her honor's program at her high school in our town. No amount of conning on narcy's part was going to convince me to wreck my daughter's career plans so narcy could live in her own home all year. We're here at our home for the school year. Mom's house for the summer. We take shifts around our schedules. My husband has been in the er with chest pains. He, too, was put on tranquilizers. My oncologist told me my heart has been racing. My father died of a massive heart attack at age 56. They argued every day of their marriage. She talks down to me especially "You may serve." "You may clear." I explained that there wasn't going to be crystal, china, and sterling here. This is a biblical household. We eat like normal people. "Even jesus ate in caves with his fingers." her reply. "Jesus was wrong. There's nothing wrong with being better than others." part four: when she started her "I'm so much better than you are" attitude and called my child who has an iq of 160 stupid, I immediately drove her to the front doors of the nursing home and told her to either shut her nasty mouth or she could get out. My child is off limits. It woke her up for awhile. Then about a week later she called her fat and started the servant routine on her. Because of mom's hips, one fall could kill her. Her doctor is certain she will die very quickly in a nursing home. She's cost us thousands in medical bills for ourselves. She's been haughty, condescending. She always has an opinion about everything. Everybody else is always wrong. Initially, she tricked her doctors and made me look like a fool. They know better now. I've been through the whole gambit with narcy. Part five: how am I making this work? Her ego has shrunk. I stopped waiting on her hand and foot. If she doesn't like the food, that's all she's getting until the next meal. I am not her slave. I don't "Clear". I don't "Serve". I am not her entertainment. She is belittling and negative when I talk with her. I choose not to sit with her and allow her to bully me. I finally learned that the more accommodating I was to her, the more nasty and brutal she became. This is a christian household. If she doesn't like it the nursing home is ten minutes away. If she tries to destroy my family again. She will lose.

*LadyMiller* I'm glad you've set some boundaries. Your post had quite a few experiences that are familiar to me. The "you may serve" behavior, the provoking fights and not being aware of hurtful comments, ect. My mother is not diagnosed by her PCM, but by a counselor I've received help from, with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and narcissism. If you can research some books (eg: Stop Walking on Eggshells...) and related topics online it can help. One of the BPD's nasty traits can be provoking others to get angry, even if it's at the BPD person -- they thrive on it -- it's a self-stimulating tactic for them. My mother played tricks on persons as a child, led suitors on and then rejected them as a young adult for an example. Later in adulthood she picked fights mainly by phone with neighbors, family members, ect, My dad (died young too) and I bore the brunt of direct attacks in person. I did not fight back, I would just make myself scarce until I had to come home, then retreated to my room. Dad had a sales job that kept him away from home a lot. So, we each coped in our own way. Hindsight, I guess my dad really should've stood up to her behavior, but since I made myself a "model" student, there were no red flags to others.

My mother says it was tough growing up during Depression Years, but older sibs have told me that she didn't want for much. Her parents owned a store, and she could visit them after school and pretty much pick out whatever she wanted from the shelves. She wraps those years of "want" around her like a "pity blanket" and I've called her on it. She knows deep inside that she messed up a lot during her years of opportunity, but her BPD/ narcissism won't allow her to face it in a dignified manner.

So, I've had to just let a lot roll off my back and press on. Folks have alternately warned me to get her toxic-ness out of my life, and some have praised for me trying to help her live out her life. It's getting harder as I get older. It's a constant work in progress to balance her needs and my family's needs.

One more thought. You've mentioned your Christian household beliefs. Stick with them the way you know in your heart is right. Don't let her thump you with mis-managed quotes like "you know the Bible says to honor your parents." I often counter that with "God is watching and he knows the truth."

Onlyoneholly: your post is extremely helpful. My mother's doctor told me that she would die very quickly in a nursing home. They also wouldn't watch her as well as I do. She has never fallen since we've been taking care of her. I will look into your suggestions. My strong faith is what is getting me through. Just a note for you personally, in 2012 as I lay dying of cancer in the hospital with complications from a low white count and C Diff, I began drifting away. I was so happy and peaceful (no morphine, no narcotics, this was real) and God brought me back. I'm well respected. My story is true. My cancer is gone. That episode served to deepen my faith. Other than my husband, only you and my oncology team know about this (and are thrilled). I don't proselytize. I just felt compelled to tell you. Thanks for your post. It means a lot to me.