Been at this for almost a year. Lawyered up 6 months ago. One physician from my lawyer and a guardian at litem(neutral party) have stated mom needs a guardian. It's been a long battle, posted on here in December about it. I do not want to pursue guardianship I am a 35 year old single mom on one income states away. I did have her here in my state, tried to work with her to take over fher finances and get her in assisted living and she refused and fled states. After court this week it has come to light I have to battle out two more times in court all on my bill. Judge said she would not do any of this pro bono. Judge was aware my estranged brother is POA and also receives money from my mom even tho she has been homeless. I need to first fight for revoke his POA because POA in illinois trumps guardianship. Than mom is contesting guardianship so that will be court case number 3. I would have to pay for her lawyer fees plus mine. The money I would use would be money I had set aside for my sons college and help towards a car in a few years. Been saving since he was a baby for his future. Torn on wether to "save" mom or keep it for what it was meant for. She ended up on the street, kicked out of hotels she was staying at, shelters full many times and I helped her because she is 75 disabled and would literally die. Now the only thing stopping me from securing her guardianship is finances. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I should be able to make this decision but it's wearing on me. I go back and forth every day.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/should-i-pursue-conservatorhip-over-75-year-old-mom-497693.htm
You got good advice back then, to not become her guardian/conservator. Why are you ignoring this objective wisdom?
She has substance abuse issues and is/was in a romance scam. She is not cooperating with her care. Do you think this will magically change if you get conservatorship? Are you going to physically restrain her so she can't walk out of a shelter, hospital, facility? Wake up!
You have a child and you need a car -- and a life -- right now. I vote NO to the continual chasing after your Mom as her Rescuer. You can't have her recovery for her, you aren't responsible for her happiness, you didn't break her and you can't fix her. Please allow the state to become her guardian and invest all your energies and resources into yourself and your son.
May you receive peace in your heart as you move on.
Shes 75. Average lifespan for women in the US is 81.4 years AND if you have already reached age 65 then on the average women live another 20.8 years. Do you want to be fighting and refighting all this for another decade?
You as a parent have as your legal first priority the responsibility to and welfare of your child. As a single parent, you do not want to do anything that could jeapordize that. We don’t know what the situation is btwn you and your sons father - but if it has ever been acrimonious - should he or his parents/his family find out that you have placed your time + $ + emotion to be “mom 1st” instead of “child 1st”, they can use your actions against you. If your son is being taken with you back and forth to deal with your drug dependency mom, taken to court hearings, taken to be with you while you clean up moms apt, etc, stuff like this will 100&1% be used against for yiur ability to have custody. If you are going anything like this….. STOP. For the well being of your son, STOP.
As Others have suggested please pls join a Al Anon support group.
On “APS being less than helpful”, if the individuals involved are all not in the same county or the same city, APS will tend to step back from intervention/ involvement as it becomes beyond their jurisdiction. APS staff tend to develop fairly deep relationships with law enforcement, the DAs office, judges in probate court, homeless shelters, etc. that are in their service area. APS know who to approach to get a hearing or get a temporary placement. That’s not happening in your situation, so APS cant really do too much.
Where did your mother get the money to jump states away?
Call APS and put it in their hands.
Why fight everyone? The Mother, the Brother, the system, the common sense answers from people who have experienced these circumstances.
Sometimes, the only help comes when you back off. Your well-intentioned actions
have gotten in the way of Mom receiving any real help. It's not your fault, and one of the hardest things for any family to do on behalf of the "victim" is back away.
Stop throwing money at the problem. It will build long lasting resentment that you may not recover from. There are professional organizations already funded to assist your Mom when she is ready for real help.
Attend a few meetings for families needing rehab. and then you may understand more of how you are actually not helping. Backing off is hard, but it may be the most immediate solution to get help for her. And it will help you and your Son.
Sorry your mother isn't in a good place but your best intentions have not been well received by your mother. Why did she flee your help? Does she have a mental illness that she isn't properly treating?
The state isn't going to be able to make her comply with what's best for her either. This sounds like a huge waste of your money and time. You can't save your mom from any of her crap decisions, not drug and alcohol abuse, not giving money to your deadbeat brother. You can't help them but you CAN help your son and yourself. Please leave mom and brother to it and do what's right, which is to take care of your son .
You sound like a very caring daughter. Prioritize all decisions for your son.
It sounds like your mother has mental health issues and substance abuse issues. Sometimes you have to let go and let God, i.e. step away.
I know these are tough decisions.
In my state women get prioritized for free housing unless they refuse and want to remain in their tents.
I've had to step away from both my Dad's care and my brother's care.
Colorado wanted me to accept guardianship for my brother. He had bipolar and was found passed out drunk on the street. They said he had Warnicke Korsakoffs and it was advanced and he could not live on his own. My Dad, my sister and myself all declined the guardianship. We could not deal with the anger.
The second time I had to step away was with my Dad. At 84 he was found passed out drunk in the parking lot of the golf course. Someone called emergency and he was sent to the emergency room. They revived him. He called one of Mom's caregiver to drive him home. Caregiver was shocked when as soon as he got to the house he started drinking again.
I stepped away from the Dad situation for 6 months after that. I had so much shame that my Dad was a hard core drunk passed out at the country club in the small town I grew up in.
Both my brother and Dad lived a number of years after I stepped away.
AlAnon really helped me. I found that I could change the behavior of me but only the other person could change their behavior.
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