I need to stop caring so much for my mother with dementia. It is literally killing me. How can I get my life back?

How about going every third day?

Do you enjoy visiting with your mother? I think that should be your main focus while you are there.

I don't know much about pressure ulcers; have they tried using a sheepskin on her foot?

How old is your mom?
Don't move her anymore unless it's a work thing for you and when you travel it's a long period of time or whatever your circumstances are.
Why are you going there daily? Visit like hospital visiting hours every 2-3 days. Your mom is being taken care of there, you are pleased with the place, let the staff do their thing.
One can't control everything and you will drive yourself crazy trying to. It's hard to adjust your standards down especially in a health care setting, so if you are feeling that your mother is getting good attention and care at this facility, good for both of you. Let it be unless her condition warrants otherwise. 
Regarding the pressure ulcer, that is a pretty significant size. It will take months to heal. Try to encourage protein to form new tissue. I assume your mother's facility has RNs to change the dressing on that ulcer? That's important and wound care is a skill.
If I were you, get back to your life now, little by little try to draw away from the AL/NH (whichever it is). They will turn and reposition her and get her out of bed, dressed and fed. 
Don't let your entire life be wrapped up with your mother's care. Do the best you can to see her but begin to relinquish the "all hands on deck " scenario to the staff there.
Get your hair done, pedicure, etc - anything that puts a tiny bit if not more focus on you as you count too!

I was a full time caregiver for my mom, first in her own home and then we moved together into a house of my own. As her health declined I gradually became her everything, I was able to personalize her care because I was both the manager and caregiver. When I reached a point where I was unable to care for her and placed her in a NH I was devastated, giving up that control and allowing her to become one of many instead of the only one was incredibly hard. There are plenty of things that happen there to get upset about, but I look around me at others there who are even worse off than my mom and I see that nobody has died of neglect. I have had to learn to let go and understand that there are some things that are just not ours to control, and to trust that the staff know how to do their jobs, not perfectly, but well enough. There is no cure for the frailties of old age. Mom seems content, and that has to be enough, is all that really matters.

I too cared for my dad at home until I could no longer do it by myself and I placed him in a decent nursing home. I waited for the relief but none came as I found out that when we place our loved ones in a NH the caregiving doesn't end, it just gets different. Having my dad in a NH became a full-time job for me. Like cwillie said, giving up that control was very difficult. With me my dad was the center of everything. Every little need or want he had was met by me. In the NH he was just one among many and I had to let go and accept this.

At first I visited my dad everyday, then every other day, then every couple of days. My brother would visit on the days I couldn't but there were days when neither of us visited our dad and that was OK.

I have experience with pressure ulcers and the one on your mom's foot may never heal completely if she continues to rub it against the bed. There are what I call "moon boots" she can wear. It's a huge, squishy boot that attaches with Velcro and it's worn on the foot at night to protect the skin. We're talking a huge boot and most people don't like to wear them but if the staff can get one on your mom's foot your mom probably won't be able to take it off herself. The downside is that it's so squishy and foam-y that it's not a good fit and can come off on its own.

Try every 3rd day. Do some work on yourself with that time. You deserve it.

It sounds like your life is very full ,of helping your mother, and has all the pressures of anyone person's life that they should have to have. You sound like a very loving daughter, if your mother could tell you she would tell you how much she loves you. And there are no words left in any language to express the thank you for carding for her and looking out for her best interest. After saying that there are no easy answers to all your needs. Except for faith in God and Jesus Christ to be exact. America needs to re-think the care of the older generation and this generation is taking care of them, and what is going to happen to them? But there are places out there like support groups, your faith ,church, friends . I know you probably don't have time for friends literally. I could say I'm your mother in away, because I'm in her situation. And my daughter she's you because she's in your situation. I have my mind right now . But I am totally bedridden. I do live at home. But she fixes my breakfast fixes my lunch fixes my supper changes my bed. Go to the bank .talks with me. Gives me encouragement. I hope you find some help. And I hope my words of letting you know how much I appreciate all that you do ,my heart goes out to you thank you so much for what you do. Because I love my daughter so much and I don't want her to have to do this all for me. And I know she worries what will happen when she no longer can take care of me. So now is the time that we are going to talk about it! A lot because of what you just said, I realize this is the time for us to have conversation. so she does not end up feeling and working so hard like you do . Because your life is very important to, so you do have to look into group help. And support from family and friends and church. Thank you again for your kindness. your mother was there for you when you were born. It's loving that you're there for her now .

It sounds like you derive a lot of pride from the caregiving of your mother. And that a lot of the time being her advocate has been rewarding. It might be unrealistic to extend such extreme measures for an extended time period. No doubt you are weary and need to reduce your time commitment and stress level. If that, makes you feel guilty, I might discuss it with a therapist. They might be able to help provide you with some tools and exercises to get your life back. I think the easy answer is to just say, do it. But, it's not that simple a lot of the time. People have ingrained routines, reactions and opinions that are hard to break. You'll likely need to fill your time with other interests, hobbies, activities.  Maybe, a therapist can point out why that's important for your own mental health.  

SDBike--

You have turned your life into mom's life--caring for her and making her life "good" has taken from you your independence and joy. Maybe you need to step back and let the NH do their job--and find some things that YOU like to do.

I'd agree with the 2-3 visits per week. If things get worse with mom, they'll call. You are paying for all this care, let them do the caring. Some facilities welcome family "help" many are simply annoyed that family is stepping in and "criticizing" the care. You need to know which kind of facility she's in now.

And yes, your mom won't live forever. Nobody does. It doesn't sound like she is really even aware of your presence--and this isn't anyone's fault, its the way it is.

Stop beating yourself up over what you could or should be doing. Do what you can, be realistic, and get a life for you. You are pre-emptively mourning mom's passing, and that is normal, but it really just stretches out the grieving period and makes "living" for you very unpleasant and stressful.

How wonderful you love your mom so much. And how wonderful you have been to her! She must be very special to be so in the forefront of your daily life. BUT--she would want you to have a life.

As for the MIA siblings--pooh to them. You have had good memories with mom and they haven't. You're sure not alone in that.

Hi all, first thank you for your responses. By the way, I am a man, not a woman, for those who made reference. Sorry I did not mention that. I am single, no children, by choice, and as far as religion goes, I will just say that that has not been a part of our lives and leave it at that. I do not visit her every day. And I go away for weeks at a time. Why? Because I had to quit my job and move across the country to oversee her affairs. So I have the time. I travel extensively. And I do let the facility which is a memory care unit of an assisted living facility do their job. It is just that I feel so responsible for her. It is hard for me to let go and let them make mistakes which will always look like they are not giving my mother the attention she deserves. Especially for what we are paying. That being said, I do not have her in a private facility with only a few residents so she can get better one on one care. We had her in one of those but it got way too expensive. So I am just trying to juggle guilt of not making sure she gets the best of the best with putting myself first so I can be there for her. This is such a terrible terrible disease. Her brother and sister in law had it also and both died within 6 weeks of each other last year. My mother is the last of the last. And it is not like cancer where you know there is going to be an end, sooner rather than later. With dementia she could live another 5 to 7 years with no quality of life whatsoever and yet we have to keep our loved ones alive as that is what we do in this country. It is cruel and a waste of money and resources. I love my mother dearly, but she never would have wanted this for herself, she said so, and yet what can we do? She has her good days and bad. But mostly she just sleeps in her wheelchair, or in bed and gets up for meals where she is fed on a pureed diet. It's just all so sad and being immersed in this for the past 8 years and no end in sight has really taken a toll on me. So I am thankful to be able to share all this.

Sdbike, thank you so much for sharing your story. My mom is not in a memory care unit of any nursing home right now, but I am working with a facility close by. I, too, feel guilty. Sometimes I feel that I am not doing enough for her, but everyone I talk to tells me that I am an excellent daughter for caring for Mom. The emotional stress is very overwhelming. It's going to get harder for me when I have to approach her about going into the memory care unit. I have no idea how to do that, without making her hate me.
You mentioned that your mom is in a self pay facility. I don't know where you live, but have to checked to see if your state has Medicaid benefits? I am working with my mom's attorney now to try and get my mom on it. That should save me some money. I feel for you. This is such a devastating disease. Please keep us posted.

Coralmae, thank you for reaching out. We are very fortunate to not need medicaid. My mother was extremely well planned out with long term health care insurance and investments that are able to pay for her care. I won't be as lucky but I can't think about that now.
As to how to talk to your mother about moving into a facility, I will tell you that about 99% of all children who have to have this conversation will tell you they never knew what the meaning of stubborn meant until having that conversation. I can't tell you how many times I talked with people about how stubborn my mother was about wanting to stay in her own home and die, or about not wanting to wear the "I've Fallen But Can't Get Up" necklace, to getting mad at me when she couldn't find things and i told her exactly where they were and she would argue with me that they weren't there and I would patiently ask her to go to that drawer or closet and she would find the item and say "I hate it when you are right"!! I always loved that one. But it took over 8 years of visits to nearby facilities, invoking Susie Roman's name and advice, several falls and finally I asked her pastor (she used to volunteer at a church) to visit her and gently talk to her about the advantages of having professionals take care of her 24/7 so she would be safe and her children would not worry. She saw through that move like a person with x-ray vision. It was hysterical. While the pastor was in the house, I was out in the driveway waiting for them to finish their conversation. The front door opens and she steps out and says, "Don't you think I don't know what you are doing here, get in this house immediately". And the 3 of us talked. I think I was about 51 at the time and she scolded me like i was 10. In any event, the crowning blow as it were, was a fall in her bathroom while she was alone and she remained on the floor all night until the doorbell rang the next morning, and her part time CNA coming sit with her. When they saw all the bruises I got a call immediate and flew from California to South Carolina immediately and with a week she was all moved into a facility nearby that I had been secretly working with.
I hope it does not come to that with you, but it does take some creative efforts. I wish you well. Today is her birthday and the family is in town to celebrate with her.

sdbike, thank you so much for the info! I tried the necklace thing because she had a hallucination for two days the she had gotten pushed around by teenagers in her front yard. There are no teens in her neighborhood but I thought it was a good chance to bring up the necklace. When I got it set up, she didn't even remember that it was there and when asked she said she didn't need it! Now I have to send it back.
We went to her attorney today to sign her health care proxy and to transfer her house into my name (for Medicaid purposes), to add my her grand daughter as a beneficiary and to sign papers to move some of her assets to a trust fund that no one can touch. You would not believe some of her answers to the attorney when she was asked to sign! When he asked her if I was taking care of her, she said "not really" so he had to ask her the question in a different way! Then he asked her if my niece and I were honest and would she trust us with her money and she said "maybe"!! Boy, did I feel embarrassed and shocked. It's her independent streak I guess. The worst part of the signing process was when the associate started talking about assisted living and Mom's ears perked right up and she told asked him what that meant. Meanwhile, I'm shaking my head and mouthing "don't say those words to her". We managed to slide over that blunder.
I wish your mom a very happy birthday and I hope you all enjoy the day with her! If you would like to carry on this conversation privately, please feel free to PM me.

OMG, add diabetes to the mix and it sounds like my mom. I certainly have not been at this as long as you, just a year and half. However I feel my mom has put me through a life time of caregiving already. On her 3rd assisted living, and just lots of refusing of care, she likes to be in control. I don't do anything to help myself, I own a small business which is failing as I haven't been giving it the attention it needs. I just sit on the couch and watch TV when I am home. Can't get myself motivated. I get it, I wish I had advice.

Tattoochick-I really feel for you. I get into bed when I am not traveling and just watch Netflix and zone. I make excuses not to go out because all I really have to talk about is my mother and people are sick of it. But having another disease on top of others is one more headache. I am so sorry for you. We are on our 5th assisted living so I understand, but each time they move you have to train a whole new bunch of CNA's, and learn their way of doing things, which prompts even more anxiety because you don't know if they will be as good or worse than the last one. SO you pay attention more and look for the little things they do right or wrong. People suggest I get a job, even a part time one. I guess I could, a real part part time one. Or volunteer. Well I do volunteer at with my mom, full time. I work for my mom, full time. And when I go on my trips, I need them so much and if I let myself enjoy myself away from mom, I can finally de-stress. I think the key to all of this is to find the right facility and that is so hard because they all pay really bad and the turnover rate is horrible for CNA's. And if management sucks, well, then it is really bad. It's an industry where you have to keep on top of things if you are at all a caring caregiver, a responsible one or even a meticulous one. But if you can be around enough to let them know that you are going to be around, that you make sure things are just as you want them, then little by little, take more time off between visits. I am trying to do that. They are all asking me now when I come in 'Where were you yesterday? We have not seen you in a few days, why haven't you been here for lunch?" etc etc. I have trained them to see me so much that they take care of mom especially well. But I am weaning myself off of my visits so I can get my sanity back. I have to. And then I find my visits with mom are much more quality visits instead of monitoring.
I am in physical therapy for my knee to hopefully prevent surgery. That is giving me some motivation to eat better and exercise more. With that I stay out of bed or off the couch more. But you talk about motivation? I have a desk/dining room table with un=filed papers on them for my by life and my mother's because they are just too much to look at all the time. They have been there piling up for almost a year now. I make sure the relevant ones get paid, or given attention, but I am just so over it all. My brother and I had a good visit with my mother last evening and I think she even recognized him, even though he has not seen her in a year, so that was real sweet to watch. All for now. Thanks for reading.

One of the key things I see in your plea, is the ability to give up control to others. It is hard...when you have that personality type. I know, because I do! But again, I've said it many times...you are only responsible TO your parent, not FOR them. I think the so called "guilt" comes from wanting their lives to be perfect. But the sooner we accept that no life is perfect then why should their life be that way? It's as if we put a higher standard on their life than we would for our own. You definitely do not need to be visiting every day. Why would you unless again you can't give up control. Accept that some things will not go how you want. When I get uptight, my sister who is an RN, asks me "is he bleeding from an orifrice or dying"? If the answer is NO, then I don't need to dash over there. Are they fed, given meds, clean?? That has truly helped me set priorities. I too am the only child living by dad so I do all the bills, bank accounts, etc. but I set aside one day a month to do that. I don't let it consume me every week. Most bills I have on auto debit. My sister does negotiate the Medicare supplement annually for him. I take his taxes to an accountant and let him pay for that service. I don't need to be doing that. It's little things like that, that take some of the burden off. Two things I suggest since you say you are not a man of faith which is ok. BUT, get yourself to a therapist and learn to daily meditate. Meditation actually changes the brain. Give it a go for 10 minutes a day. There is a great app and website called Headspace. Try it and best to you. The only thing you can truly control is yourself. Remember that. Bless you on this hard hard road!!

Put her in a nursing home--they will take all of her assets but when she dies your siblings will fight over the money anyway so just let the facility have it all and get your own life back, and you won't have to worry about your siblings squabbling over money. I don't care how much she has -- it's not worth sacrificing your own life and career, and believe me brothers and sisters will fight like dogs to get a piece of the pie after she dies. 

I understand how you feel. My mom had dementia and almost every time I visited her, she would tell some pretty fantastic stories. Some I knew were hallucinatory, but I still wonder whether some were true in some form. She passed in November so I'll never know now.

I was on friendly terms with the staff, but they were not my second family. it was a good facility and mom got good care. But she had a mind of her own. Yes, she fell. I was always notified when she did. If serious enough, she'd be taken to the ER. I worried about her, but it did not consume my life because I am also caregiving to my husband. Of course, I could have hired private care for my mom, it would have been $15.00 per hour, self-pay.

At our age, we are responsible for ourselves. I have all of your symptoms. My house is a mess. I'm crabby just about all the time. I get out of bed each morning, but just barely. I have a constant sinking feeling that this is NOT the way I want to live my life. I am bound and determined to get counseling and will speak to my doctor about it. Is this an option for you?

Thanks for your responses since my last one. To respond to your advice, yes I am in therapy and have been for the past 5 years for this and many many other years for other stuff. I have meditated quite extensively in the past as well as done yoga which when my physical therapy progresses, I will take that back up. Interesting one of you brought up bleeding from the orafices. Yes that actually happened a few months ago, twice, and we put her on hospice, only to take her off month or so later as it never happened again and the hospice nurses were not managing her foot wound/ulcer in the manner she was used to, as well as she just wasn't dying. Anyway, to let you all know, I have told the staff at the facility I will be visiting less and told them why and they fully understand. As far as giving all our assets away by putting her in a nursing home, that is a big fat NO. That will be our income in retirement and my siblings and I split everything equally and I am managing my mother's money quite effectively, growing it so we are all taken care of too. My mother would never want her money to be drained in any way shape or form and wanted us to have it. So I am proud that I have continued her investment strategy and even grew it. So between therapy, being able to converse with all of you and listen to your sage advice, I am taking more time for myself and trusting that she is well taken care of and no one's life is perfect. I have to put myself first in order to put her in any position at all. Thank you to all of you.

sdbike

I see a lot of similarities between us. I also have been the sole caregiver for my mom, sibling is worthless. How old is mom? How long do you think she has? Is she qualified for hospice at all? When someone is under hospice care - they can hire a personal home health aide that can assist in the areas that the are "falling into the cracks". Or if mom has the funds, maybe you can hire a personal assistant to help.

My mom is 94, has Alzheimer's and bladder cancer. I took care of her long distance for many years, she lived with me for 2 years and now is in memory care. I feel the same as you, for what mom is paying I also see things that fall through the cracks. It's just the way things are in assisted living - there are too many residents for the one-on-one care. Maybe she is ready for a nursing home - she will receive more one-on-one care.

No offense here, but it does sound like you are on a waiting mission. Caregiving takes over your life - I agree with many others on this forum; take a step back, accept things won't be perfect. I never thought my mom would live to be 94 - how long do you want to be waiting? I was told in December she had 2 months, she is still with us.

Do something different, join an activity or a gym, visit old friends, clear your head of caregiving. Caregiving is all consuming and stressful. There is a life outside of it. When I placed my mom in memory care, I felt very guilty. But I was so burned out, I was ready to have my life back. Get that bucket list out  and start concentrating on that.

Sending a big hug.

This is hard. And slow. And long.

People think that you are not doing anything when a parent is in a facility. HAahahahahahha!

From what you have written, you are doing a great job for her and also for yourself. I am glad you are seeing a therapist and taking care of yourself.

I agree with backing off on the visits. I visited my mom every day--until I realized that five minutes after I left she really didn't remember that I had been there--and conversely, would never know that I had not just been there five minutes before. Now I average about every three days.

I manage the money. It is a big job. I almost weep over the taxes--paid quarterly...

As anyone would say, and I am sure your therapist has said, you only live once. Make a list of what YOU want out of your life, and make THAT happen. We aren't getting any younger.

Question to sdbike: How old is your Mother? My circumstance fairly parallels yours. My mother (now almost 96 and in memorycare for the past 2 years) had a long history of mental illness (paranoia) which I have monitored for 30 years. I retired at 60 (Healthcare Administrator in Los Angeles) to move to Orange County and purchase a unit next door to my mother ten years ago. (In LA she had lived a few miles from me for most of her elderly years). I was able to monitor her taking meds to keep the delusions under control for all those years. The living next door situation worked out well the first 6 years and then at age 92 she could no longer thrive in her unit alone despite my daily efforts, so then we moved her to a lovely Independent/Assisted Living a mile away. After 2 years there they had me move her out since they were not a locked Memorycare facility and she had begun to wander in the middle of the night and knock on her neighbor's doors to tell them there was a fire in the building. I also have two sisters who do zero, and I guess since they know I WILL tend to every detail, it makes them feel complacent. I even asked them to help plan the final arrangements (mandatory for the Memorycare facility) and they both said NO. So my husband says "forget about them, it's easier for us to do everything". He helps as necessary but the burden is on me. I too am very close to the facility staff, and our open communication has certainly helped to create the best possible health and happiness environment for her. I am very impressed with the "Reminiscence Community"; the staff is very loving and the healthcare delivery and vigilance has been a real luxury. I just had 2 level spine fusion last year, and it made transporting her a danger to me. So after all those years of super difficult (combative) trips to doctors and dentists, it is pretty much set up now to bring the services TO her. The ER is there for the big emergencies. I have a mobile DDS/hygienist coming to her now. She was more difficult to deal with all those previous years, but now that her dementia is severe (she is also blind from a stroke and wheelchair bound), she is more appreciative of me, but that is new. I always say that on Facebook they do that graphic where the words you post the most appear the largest, and I know if I did it (which I won't) that my BIG word would be "Mother" because she is my major concern. I am 71 now and do have to deal with my own life and health issues so I talk on the phone to her, but I now, to protect me, visit once or twice a week. I do trust her caremanagers, but there are still a ton of details (but less now because she does have to be fed and basically everything done for her.) I manage everything but the "heavy lifting" is definitely done by the caremanagers. Bottom line is this: IF something happens to you, sdbike, then you will be no good to her, so it is important to try and arrange for you to do less. Also, have you looked down the road to when (if) the money runs out for Memorycare? I think my mother, despite all of her challenges, could live to 100, so I am putting the pieces together (lots of paperwork) for her to be provided for when she is 97 years old. It is not easy, and I located a highly touted (by reliable sources) Senior Financial and Living Advisor who has guided me through the process of preparing for when the money runs out. I worked in Internal Medicine healthcare administration for 13 years in LA, but the advisor knows exactly the challenges that people like us face. His goal is my goal - and that is to provide a safety net in the best possible situation for her health, happiness, and financial status. As others have said (regarding zero help from siblings), it would have been nice to have had a respite once in a while, but when Mother is gone, my mind will be clear, and they will need to live with the sadness and guilt (maybe?) of knowing they did nothing .. and I mean nothing. It sounds like you have put together the best possible situation for your Mother, but reclaim some of that for you, because you count too!

I know that you love your mom. There are no good or right answers. Whatever you choose to do is the right answer for you.

If it's that big a problem, I personally would resign as caregiver and would just wash my hands of the situation. Not everyone is cut out for this job, and it sounds to me like she probably needs to be in a facility but one that's safe where no one will abuse her

It's very hard to not feel responsible when you have lived a good part of your life in full-responsibility mode. For years, I lived with my mother when, from a physical standpoint, she was very functional and independent. Emotionally, she was not in such good shape, especially after my father passed. Once that happened, she turned to me as her emotional anchor. She frequently had me do little things for her that both of us knew she was fully capable of doing for herself, but I went along, believing (as I still do) that having another person do these little tasks reassured her that she was loved and cared for. Now that she has had a severe stroke, she is being cared for at home round the clock. Her caregivers, thank the Lord! are great, but not one is perfect, and I also see things I would do differently. To add to the mix, my mother continues to call for me even when a caregiver is right at her side. It's just what she is used to, and I am used to feeling responsible/guilty. I don't have an easy answer for you. I find myself going through a process -- is it detaching from her? mourning her? -- and even after six months I don't think I've made much progress. But I'm working on it.

"GUILT" - Let's talk about the common thread of having some degree of guilt because you think there is, and yet, even MORE that you could do. I would offer up to all of us the following: The ones who LEAST should feel any guilt are those of us who are posting on this blog. Why? Because we are obviously the ONLY CONCERNED members of the family. The others (who should feel guilt) are those who are so removed from "the loved one's care" that they don't even know what to feel guilty about. THEY THINK that if the loved one is living in a Residence, that there is NOTHING LEFT to do for Mom or Dad. Let's all have a good belly laugh about that. I may not physically visit my Mother in MemoryCare every day, but YESTERDAY I spent half a day working on getting her expensive RX for 1/10th the price through a GoodRX pharmacy, and today I'll work on that endless load of her paperwork.

I suggest that we must "tamp down" any feelings of guilt that we are not doing more - We are doing PLENTY.

Amen to mom helper123. You are 100% correct. I recall my brother telling me he does not feel sorry for me having to take care of mom because she is in a facility. Talk about a good belly laugh. No one and I mean no one can know or understand how much work there is to overseeing the care and finances of another human being, especially one with dementia unless they have done it also, for at least a full year if not more. I could say I could write a book, but so could thousands of other people caring for their loved ones. I have a couple of cousins who went through the same thing and we had each other to commiserate with. They understood and did not mind at all if I unloaded on them.
As far as Don'tAskforHandout's comments, I could never in a million years resign from taking care of my mother. There is no one else out there in my family who could do what I have done or would pay as much attention or worry about the details as me. All that being said, i have given notice to the facility that I will be seeing mom only once or twice a week from now on when i am in town. They laughed and said they would believe it when they saw it and I told them I had to for my own sanity and they finally understood.
And guilt is probably not the best definition of what I am feeling. I feel a bit guilty that I want this all to be over with. I am jealous of my cousins who have their lives back. But in the end, I will be able to say that I was there for my mother in her time of need and was able to spend quality time with her, and I will never have to feel guilty about not doing enough.

I used to want  everything done to a "t." I stopped when living my  elderly mother because it was going to be a no win situation.

You wrote: " I feel a bit guilty that I want this all to be over with. I am jealous of my cousins who have their lives back. "
Don't feel guilt for that because what you are feeling is very normal. Even the envy or resentment towards or of others is normal. I resented my sisters who go along have no their usual normal lives even though it wasn't rational because they do not live here. But my therapist said...yes, that is normal. Only those who have walked this journey can ever know how hard it is. That is why support groups are so helpful as well as friends who have been there.

Regarding the last 2 posts written by Momhelper123 & sdbike: Well said and so true.

@MollyBlooms: your last post is very similar to my story. I started to detach with love from my Mother 8 months ago. It has gotten better now. I feel less anxious now.

I jumped in your boat about a year and a half ago. I now am the care giver for both of my parents ( 90 and 92), though I still work full time in NYC as a nurse. My commute is 3 hours a day. Mom has Parkinson's with hallucinations and some very unusual personality shifts. Sometimes she can be childlike, sometimes catatonic, sometimes some aberration of her former self. My Dad has short term memory loss. Both are frail physically and ambulate poorly . They sleep a lot. Right now I go there in the evening and make sure they have a good dinner, shop, do laundry and attend to most of the mail. I take them to doc appts. The absurd thing about this all is that I work with elders and have been giving families advice about caregiving for years. But as so many of you have said-"If you are not in our shoes you have no idea". I can do the physical caring ( even though I am 67 and tired) but I am being ripped apart by the emotional component. What I remember of my parents is nothing like this. What I know they would or would not accept in old age is not this. I have just contacted an agency to attempt to get a few hours of private pay a few times a week. This terrifies me, but I am backed against the wall. I can't keep this up and I don't want it to be a "them or me" scenario for who gets care. This has nothing to do with love or caring. I love them and care about them dearly. This is about our survival . I think-"oh my- what if this is in my future?"- dementia, Parkinson's . I feel like if I don't start living, my life will be over before I turn around and I will not have lived very well. I identify with all of you in the feelings of wanting it all over. I know the end game. I know it will never get easier, just different. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a box, fighting to get out and breathe. Yikes, who knew?
There are so many of us. Good thoughts to all of you.