My elderly parents have two to three doctor's appointments each week, and I am in it alone, (my sister won't help), but I have neglected my own health, not by eating habits, but by not going to the doctor myself. I believe it is partly because I am exhausted being in doctor's offices so much, and if I did go for a check-up, and something was wrong it could be so time consuming, to do my parents appointments and my own. I think caregiving is a lot harder nowadays, because there are so many types of doctor's, (specialists for every problem), and it can be overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced my problem, where they put their own health on the back burner to help their parents?
Your note really took me back. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I couldn't stand the thought of going myself. I skipped mammograms, among other things. That's really bad and I caution people about this. I hope to let people know that upward of 30% of caregivers die before their care recipient. That isn't just elderly caregivers. It's younger women who don't get breast cancer diagnosed in early stages, or colon cancer or other health issues.
I know firsthand how hard it is to follow up on your own health, but please make you health a priority. It could save your life.
Do know, however, that many of us understand. We have been where you are (many still are in your shoes). It's very difficult.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol
I respect how hard it is, but in the long run, you're doing everyone a favor when you take care of yourself. Even if you have to hire a sitter for your parents, please don't neglect your own physical health. Good luck!
There was a time period when I did not do the medical/dental checkups. I finally went to the clinic for severe pain in my lower stomach. When done with my appointment, I had one of my "dizzy spells" and slammed against the wall. Doc was shocked and rushed me back to the exam table. My heart sounded really bad - from a scale of 1 to 7 and 7 being really bad, my heart was a 6. It seems I had an infection in my heart, ordered home and home care with daily IV antibiotic for 6 weeks. This was 6 years ago.
I don't want to end up like my parents - bedridden. You can just keep it simple. Annual physical/medical check-up with the regular blood tests and pap and mammo.
Sorry...my eyes are blurring and I'm finding it difficult to think. It's time for me to go sleep..now. Later!!
Now I'm eating healthier (hard) no sugar, caffine, fried food, flour, soda, alcohol. Pretty much bland diet (do cheat at times).
You have to take care of you because no matter how healthy you are the STRESS from caregiving will bring you down. Please take care of yourselves!!-
The one thing I always try to do for myself is take a walk every morning. When my Mom is in the hospital she expects me at her bedside every minute. One day I arrived about 9 after taking a morning walk. She was furious with me. As I stormed out her doctor was coming in. Her wonderful doctor gave her a lecture about how I need to take care of my health. I need to get exercise every day.
Things have calmed down since then. I only get snide remarks, not knock down drag out fights.
My husband (age 86) was in and out of the hospital (starting last September). He would be (act) sick, get hospitalized, act well, come home and be unable to get out of bed until, $50,000 in medical bills later (he neglected to get Medicare B) and after he actually broke his hip, he is in a nursing home on Medi-cal.
He is not demented. He enjoys the company of the young female staff and tells me I am to old to be attractive.
I am 73 and we have been married 25 years. I consulted an attorney and know I must pay his bills. I'm dealing with loan collection agencies. I have Parkinson's Disease and so know I am losing function each day.
I thought we would be together at home, helping each other. I had an idea we would have a big puzzle on our table and work on it together. Silly to say I mourn the loss of that puzzle worst of all . I visit him everyday, knowing he would rather be talking to someone else, but also knowing one day he will be gone and I want to remember myself as kind, not condemning toward him. The stress is wearing me down.
made a big mess for ne to clean up! My mother would fall to get attention and after 3 years if picking 200 pounds of dead weight off the floor I now have chronic shoulder problems. One of my uncles finally took my aunt but my mom was even needier after that. It took my oldest daughter trying to run away because of all this to wake us up. Mom is now in a personal care home and my own family comes first now. Her appointments come after the kids' and mine. For various reasons I have had to homeschool my girls (oldest in now in public high school) and although it is a constant battle nothing us allowed to interfere with school work. I admit that my mother doesn't get to all the doctor's appointments she wants - it is a struggle to get to the most necessary ones but I have 2 girls who need their mom and I need to be here for them. When mom complains I always remind her that if anything happens to me there will be no one to help her. Our parents have had their chance to raise their families and as much as we may love them and/or feel obligated it is now our turn. Our kids need us more than our parents do. Their lives are just beginning and they need our attention and guidance to thrive. It has been a hard lesson for me to learn and I finally started therapy to get things back on track. I really regret the things I
missed with my kids when I was trying to do everything and I am paying the price with various behavioral problems with the girls.
I had cared for my stepfather for a year and a half before he died, and then my partner and I cared for my mother for 10 years. Our house burned down, and then my partner died, and I became depressed. My health suffered. I realized I could not care for my mother properly if I was neglecting myself, and that it was not respectful to the memory of my loved ones to let myself fall apart. So I am fairly conscientious and disciplined about doctor's appointments and nutrition. It is very hard to make time for the gym, though-- I take my mom to the pool, and restorative yoga, and have tried putting her in the waiting room/lounge of the gym while I work out, and sometimes take her for long walks i the wheelchair up hills to get exercise. it is all very time-consuming and difficult.
But I think we must find a way not to throw our lives away in caretaking. It seems like somewhere in the love and selflessness and nobility of it there are also the seeds of some self-destructive impulses. I don't know why, but there can be a turning away from life that seems unhealthy, a sort of giving up, and a despair.
The world is going on around us, and we are locked in little houses and little rooms, cooking and cleaning and bathing and massaging and dispensing medications, doing laundry and referring family fights, constantly driving our loved ones to doctor's offices and physical therapy, giving up our paid jobs, worrying about money, and losing touch with our friends. We are using up our savings for retirement money. We think we are too tired and busy to worry about ourselves. We don't always know what we will do when the caretaking is over. This is what worries me.
In order to care properly for our loved ones we must care for ourselves. We must have self-respect, and self-love, as well as love for others.
Amen to that. If you have a self centered, narcissictic family member, or even an ill senior with many health conditions, your own health will suffer unless you take steps to put yourself first sometimes, and look after your health.
Stephan, you raise an important point when you mention worrying about what you will do when the caretaking is over. It is so important to maintain a sense of "self" throughout any caregiving phase of life, whether it is with little chldren, or with sick, or disabled adults. In both cases, you can be consumed to the point of not knowing who you are any more. Start by seeing if you can set aside a little time for you to examine goals for your life. I know that can be easier said than done, but work on it - even while you are out wheeling the chair. Sometimes we get so tied up in the life of another person that we forget who we are, and need to rediscover ourselves.(((((((hugs)))) Joan
jennie, it seems to me that it is high time to put you first. My mother would have driven me nuts occupying all my time and energy running errands for her, half of which she would change her mind about later anyway. She takes herself to the ER and they don't find much wrong with her - I don't get very involved. It made her very mad to begin with, but she is more acceptinng since I set some limits. It sounds to me like your mum is playing games, if her pain comes and goes. Why are you sacrifing your own health to take her to these endless appointments? The loss of one leg is bad enough, but to risk the second one to cater to your mum, seems like a very bad choice to me.
suzmarie -glad you are getting some sleep now, and starting to take better care of you. .
Wayne - is there anything you can do for yourself? sacrificing your own health for your parent's - isn't good for any one in the long or the short run. You really have to put yourself first at times, in my experience
Rachel - you do need to do more for yourself - your energy levels will be better if your diabetes is under good control - I know you know that. Sounds like you need a thorough medical check up - bleeding guns could be a number of things. Seeing it is the first thing! Good luck
lets see caregivers look after themselves too!!!
So often I have tried to explain to my mother that I am tired and stressed and need some time to myself. Because of her illnesses and medications and general age-related problems she just didn't seem to get it.
Even though it seemed hopeless I tried again this weekend to explain that I love her but trying to work and take care of myself and plan for driving us to a family reunion in a different state for two weeks is very stressful, and that all the little extra things she wants (concerts and lunches with friends and shopping trips etc.) and all her questions about what to eat and what to wear and what to read or watch on TV are driving me a little crazy. And she heard me! She got it! It may not last for long, but at least for this weekend she is happily reading and watching TV and taking little walks in the garden, and eating the snacks and meals without a lot of extra fuss. She is feeling a little more independent, which is a good thing for her too.
Which leaves me time to calm myself, work, plan, pack, organize the trip, and clean out the car for the drive. And write this note.
Thanks for the inspiration. The first 99 times I asked for a little break, it didn't work, but the 100th time did...
I took a different route. My mother is narcissistic and I don't think she CAN see it from my, or anyone else's, point of view. If there isn't a balance of care for self and care for the senior, the caregiver is seriously risking their own health. I agree with your comment about seeds of self-destruction. I had to look at this very carefully. I am in my 70s, and my mother had her 100th birthday in May, and is going strong. I simply can't do what I could do earlier in life, and the stress of the narcissism, and personality disorder has taken a toll on my physical health. I tried talking to her about my needs and got no or little cooperation. Even if a parent does not have a personality disorder, many tend to become narcissistic as they get older and sicker.
Truly, we should not need our parent's permission to look after ourselves -or even their agreement. Care for self is a basic to survive in life. I simply decided what I could or could not do, and still stay healthy. If she asked or expected me to do something I considered too much for me, I simply said "No", or "I am not able to do that for you", etc. I didn't give explanations, nor feel any need to justify myself. I made sure she had adequate care, but didn't cater to her "whims". I detached, and distanced emotionally to do this.
I don’t know the detail of other posters, but, Stephan, it sounds like you have been catering to your mum at your own expense. Concerts, lunches, shopping trips, questions etc. are all optional. Looking after your own physical/mental/emotional health is not. I hope you will continue to look after you whether or not your mum agrees with it. You don't need her agreement to do that.
The parallel between looking after a child, and looking after a parent doesn’t go very far, but I think it can apply here. Why would any caregiver allow a parent’s ”wants” to run their schedule, any more than they would allow a child’s to, especially to the point that it is unhealthy for him or her?
Thankfully, I am getting my health back, but I have been struggling with illness for over two years now, and it hasn’t been fun. If I could go back, I would do it differently, and look after myself better. I urge everyone out there to consider it.
I am adjusting also. It's not that it's where she wants to be, but it the safest place for her. The cost of medical appointments are astronomically high, and the deductible you must pay and copay. I hate the thought of it also. We must take care of ourselves. Take care .
Equinox